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Sumac13 Offline OP
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So this may be long but I’m still having a hard time. I was in a relationship with my ex for 7 years. We both grew up a bit different but similar families but I choose after high school to hangout with the wrong group of people. I always wanted to be like her which she is smart,motivated,dedicated, ambitious, and always wants the best for her future. I wanted to be just like her and that’s why I always felt like that was the perfect girl for me so it would shape me into the person that I wanted to. But that was the case, and there were times where I said I would change and I would for a week or two but then go back to normal. I’ve lied to her on two occasions but they were something she forgave me for so I had two chances there. But the last one was the last straw. We moved into together in the start of 2020. It was going good but I always kind of did my own thing and wouldn’t give her the time. I would always rather do something else and spend little to no time with her. I just always seemed to get into a fear of missing out zone where I always have to be doing what friends did. And that’s what drifted us apart a little. I love her with everything in me and still do. But in November I started texting another girl with no intention and when she asked if I had a girlfriend, I said that I wasn’t happy the last couple of months and kind of beat it around the bush, but did say that I still had a gf. So for two weeks she noticed I was acting strange and that’s when I told her I was texting some random person. But then she gave me the option of either stop texting her or she was going to leave and I replied with “I don’t know” and so that’s when she left. She ended up moving everything out a week later. She’s told me multiple times that she wanted to work on loving her self and did want to figure things out with me one day and always saw a future with me. But couldn’t forgive me for what I did just now. So she said she doesn’t want to get back together and doesn’t know maybe in a few months or years she would change her mind. So I’ve been doing a lot of reading and learning about myself. I also had a problem with communication and that was a big part so I’ve been working on that and I have been talking to a counselor to help me be the best I can be because that’s all I ever wanted. She knows that I love her and she wishes that I could have showed it more. But she also stated that she’s been talking to someone and what she wants in a husband, partner more compatible with her with similar interests, goals and ambitions. But the last thing she was to tell me is that she doesn’t know if who I have become is authentic or not, or if it’s even the type of person she wants to be with. So with the last that happened she says she’s trying to move on and wants me too to. She said that she hopes one day we can talk and she can see our dog, and just talk without any expectations of getting back together. She also said that she wants to have fun, see other people and figure out what she wants and that is what she needs to do right now for herself. It’s been almost 3 months since we have separated and honestly I still love her and still want to be with her. She’s my everything and it’s hard to understand everything she’s saying because I thought what we had was real and after 7 years we both could seek out and get help so we can keep this relationship together and even stronger. I’m not sure if I covered everything but this is someone I still want to spend my future with but right now I don’t know if that’ll happen. I haven’t reached out to her and last week she did text me asking for a picture of our dog. So I sent it. She replied with two comments and I replied back. Then she replied “im glad she’s doing good. And I hope you are too” and then I replied “thanks,you too.” I didn’t want to get to deep into it and don’t know if she just wanted to check on the dog. Or to actually have a conversation with me. I don’t know if I could see her ever and just be friends. That is something I think is to hard for me considering I still see my future with her.

Another thing is that bothered her was that I would come home from work in the morning since I work late nights, and I am a police officer and kind of would just be in my mood where I didn’t really want to talk and would just want to sleep. So I’ve been talking to my counselor how to be able to communicate better and get out of that mood I was in. She’s a very open person and communication is important to her and I always would say I’m fine when I wouldn’t be. So I started getting better towards the end and it’s something I’m currently working on still.

All I know is that I still want to be with her but really don’t know if she will ever again and it’s hard for me not to think about her all day long since I’m not home alone with the dog. I always pictured marrying her one day and still want to. But not sure what to think.

Last edited by Sumac13; 02/17/21 02:33 AM. Reason: Added some things

Michael
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Welcome to MB.

What are your ages? From what I understand this is your first girlfriend. Is that correct?

Have you read Dr. Harley’s basic concepts?

Have you read what Dr. Harley has said about dating?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Besides reading the Basic Concepts BH posted for you, read the book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" by Dr. Harley. It goes into a lot about how dating works and making good decisions on dating. Another couple of letters to read in the Q&A section about living together before marriage:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/living-together-before-marriage-1.htm






Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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Sumac13 Offline OP
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I am 27 years old, and she is 25. This is not my first relationship. Ive been with other people, and the second longest was in high school and we were together a little over a year. But I have not read the book yet, and plan on purchasing it tho.


Michael
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Read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I would also read the dating series that LongWayFromHome mentioned to you.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Sumac,

I notice that you didn't ask a specific question. What can we help you with?


BW
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Sumac13 Offline OP
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I’m really just wondering if we’ll ever get back together? I know it’s a tough question to ask and there’s a million questions. I always picture things working out and we’ll end up back together. But when she says stuff like “she’s been talking to someone and figuring out what she wants in life and what kind of person she wants to marry” or like “maybe there’s someone already compatible with her interests,goals, and ambitions”. But before she would tell me that she wanted to forgive me on day but couldn’t right now. And she said she always pictured a future with me. But since she’s been talking to someone it seems like she’s ready to move on and that person is driving her away from me rather than letting her heart make the decision. I know she wants to “go out,have fun, and see other people to figure out what she wants”, but I still think to this day after 3 months almost that one day we’ll be together again because I’m still in love with her. But she also doesn’t reach out to me much and hasn’t the last three months so I just feel like a ghost.


Michael
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Looks as if she decided you were not marriage material. If you were to be objective, would you not agree with her? Dating is a test for marriage and you failed the test. You can learn from this experience and turn yourself into the kind of person a wonderful woman would want.


3 adult children
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Sumac13 Offline OP
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What is the possibility that we end up back together? I’ve been working on myself a lot lately and reading a lot to grow as a person for whomever it may be with in the future. But still want to be with her as bad as it is.


Michael
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Originally Posted by Sumac13
What is the possibility that we end up back together? I’ve been working on myself a lot lately and reading a lot to grow as a person for whomever it may be with in the future. But still want to be with her as bad as it is.

If she is dating someone else than you should respect that and continue to work on yourself and date others.

This is a wonderful place to learn the skills to have a wonderful relationship.

Have you read any of the dating articles from Dr Harley? Dr Harley recommends to date 30 different people and to be a freeloader while you’re dating. Did you read the Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
It's been my experience operating a dating service and counseling singles who want to marry that when someone has dated about 30 people, they almost always find at least one very good match among them. That experience helps them come to understand what they need most in an opposite sex relationship. The ones that they find most attractive are those who meet some of their most important emotional needs.


This is from Choosing the Right One to Marry

What do you think?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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From your own account, her experience when living with you was that you were pretty awful to her. You were moody, grumpy and distant towards her. You did your own thing and spent very little time with her. You ended up texting some "random person". From her point of view, moving in with you was disastrous and she had a horrible time. No wonder she moved out.

She doesn't hate you and she does not mind having friendly chats with you, but she's being honest and telling you that she wants to date again and find someone compatible, who treats her well. She does not want to go back to you. I think you should understand that she is being kind to you but has no romantic interest in you any more. You should respect her choice, unless you want her to reject you more firmly sometime soon, and hurt your feelings.

Continue working on yourself so that you'll be a better boyfriend, and eventually husband, to somebody else someday.


BW
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Sumac13 Offline OP
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She is not dating anyone else. I talked to her mom a couple weeks ago and she said she’s just working on loving her self and just wants to hangout with friends and have fun. But I’ve noticed that she goes out on the weekends with these three girls and they are a little older but they also have no boyfriends and not much going for them. But currently I don’t know if she’s talking to anyone or not.

But yes also living with me I distanced her from me. I let my fear of missing out doing things with friends get to me and that’s something I’ve always had a struggle with. But reading and learning, and talking about these things with a counselor is making me open my eyes up to what really I need to do and how I really want to do these things. I’m not a bad person and I’m a caring, and loving person so that’s what is hard about this. I don’t condone what I did and regret it but can’t change the past but can change the future. And I’ve always tried to change before but didn’t put the effort in like I am now. I’ve pretty much pushed all my friends away because I’m in a position where I shouldn’t be around the things they do, so I really don’t have anyone other than maybe two or three people that I talk to and my family. Just hard when I’m living on my own in a home we used to call ours.

Last edited by Sumac13; 02/17/21 09:39 PM.

Michael
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Sumac13 Offline OP
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I appreciate that. And I know before she just said that she needed time for herself to figure things out. And has said before she may change her mind in a couple months or years but she doesn’t know. But since she’s talked to this person I’m guessing a therapist she thinks that we arnt compatible. We were together for 7 years and if that’s the case I think she would of left sooner but I don’t know. We had fun, laughed, joked, and have had many good times together and we’ve always got along. She’s said before she’s wanted to spend forever with me but now I don’t know. So all I can do is grow into who I’ve always wanted to be and maybe one day she’ll want to be back together. But I know I can be everything she wants and know what we had was special that no one else had. Even her mom would tell us “you guys don’t really love each other so you” that was as a joke because we were always close to each other and loved each other and always had fun together no matter what. But these friends she’s hanging out with arnt really the best friends to be going out with right now unlike her other close friends she has.


Michael
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Sumac13 Offline OP
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I think that we’re both perfect together. Especially how much I’ve grown these last couple months and realized all these things that I could have done better, just makes me want to share these things and actions with her because we would be unstoppable together.


Michael
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Seven years living together with no proposal of marriage? Your next step to show her you are more mature and thoughtful would be to make the changes you’ve been wanted to make but put off and then propose. Maybe you were depressed, did you do an evaluation with your therapist? Because what you wanted to do and what you did were so different in regards to hanging with people who brought you down, and shutting down instead of talking with your partner and going on dates together. You’ll want to check out the article on living together before marriage too, texting another woman is one thing when you’re finding your partner but if you found her already why not marry her and stop texting other women? That must’ve made her feel so uncared for.


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Sumac13 Offline OP
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We were together for 5 1/2 years then I bought a place and we both moved in together. So we lived with eachother for a year. But I always knew I wanted to marry her. But for the first 4 years she was going to school and I had just started my career so I wanted to wait to propose. But also I didn’t think I was mature enough yet last year and still needed to grow up a bit before I did. But yeah I never opened up about my feelings or how I was feelings and my friends didn’t help the situation. She would try and talk to me but I never been someone to open up till recently the last couple of months where I have brought up a lot of things and started to open up about growing up, and other problems. But a lot of the times I would of tried avoiding those situations and just go on about my day and just play some games with friends and not giving her the time which I regret now but can’t change. I’ve given up playing games, I rarely talk to my “friends” anymore because I’m trying to grow and not go down the same path as before. Just realizing and keeping the good people by my side along the way and reaching out to ones who care. But yes texting another girl was completely wrong. I didn’t have any intentions with her what so ever but don’t know why I did what I did and I’ll never know why. As much as I’ve tried to think of why all I can say is that I messed up and will never let it happen again. I never thought talking to a therapist was going to ever help me. I tried two sessions on zoom with one about a year and half ago when I told her I would talk to someone, but it just didn’t seem to help at all and eventually just stopped. But I’ve reached out to a counselor now and have been talking to one and it feels much better being in person talking about these things to help me grow into the person I want to be. And if only I got the chance to share this person I am today with her she would be so proud and we would have a much better relationship with all the things I’ve learned and done to better myself. But she doesn’t think who I am is “authentic” and thinks that I’ve been doing this for her but in reality I’ve told her before I’ve wanted to change and be a much better person and she knows that but doesn’t think so.


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The most important thing in any relationship is communication. If you and your girlfriend are unable to get on the same page and solve disputes, then you can't possibly move forward. If she has issues with you, talk about them. If you have issues with her, talk about them too. The issues should be addressed and solved, then move forward.


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