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Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 68
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Hello there Guys,
So I have been trying to implement Marriage Buillders concepts on our marriage, and the biggest hurdle so far has been my wife's work colleagues who she goes out almost every other week to Clubbing, House party or other events like to Restaurants, Bowling, Bar.

My wife take on this situation is that it's only girls group so they feel occurred if I go with My wife. Yet, I know there is one couple that works there and she just went on his Birthday party this weekend.

She wants me to make my own group from workplace and go out with them, yet I feel this does not help our marriage. We have very busy work days with 1 toddler to dro and pickup and when she goes out with her random work colleagues it triggers me really badly.


What would u do in such situation where my wife is loving the attention from her friends but they don't want me included? Are they really her friend?

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Joyce and I will take up this questions on our radio show tomorrow if you copy it to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

The general answer is that almost everything you and your wife do affects each other either positively or negatively. The six ways to affect each other negatively are demands, disrespect, anger, dishonesty, annoying habits, and independent behavior. Your issue is under the category of independent behavior: The conduct of one spouse that is conceived and executed as if the other spouse did not exist. But the other spouse does exist, and is negatively affected for two reasons. First, that the spouse is doing something that makes the other spouse unhappy, and second, that the spouse doesn't seem to care how the other spouse feels. Both reasons make massive love bank withdrawals.

The Policy of Joint Agreement is a rule to help couples avoid this common but devastating Love Buster: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. It makes a lot of sense to the offended spouse, but often makes no sense to the offending spouse because they enjoy what they are doing, and don't feel the pain that it causes the other spouse. They think that if the offended spouse cares about them, they would let them do whatever makes them happy. So, your wife feels you don't care about her because you object to her having fun. I'm sure that she has communicated that to you in the past, and you don't quite know how to respond.

Just tell her that what she is doing hurts you terribly. That's the truth. There's no argument against that point. Don't tell her that what she is doing is wrong, because that is a disrespectful judgment, and there are plenty of arguments she can use to challenge your point.

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Your question was answered on the Marriage Builders Radio show today, July 18, 2023.

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Hi Dr Harley,

Thank you for answering this question on the radio programme, and for coming here. We regular posters value your direct words above all.

I don't know whether you dealt with this aspect in your radio reply, but this poster's wife was having trouble conceiving, and without telling her husband, she found a married "family friend" to impregnate her. He is the child's biological father, although this poster loves the child dearly.

So lack of care for her husband's feelings seems to be quite deeply embedded in the marriage.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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