Hi there,

Writing this post to get some recommendations for resources. Here's the story:

End of October my husband asked for a divorce. He said he's been checked out for a while.


Our relationship has been rocky, I'll admit that. There is no infidelity or abuse, but we have both stopped putting effort in the relationship. I have changed very much from the person I was when we got married (massive weight gain, no goals/ambitions, wasteful with money...) He basically said he wants a partner and I haven't been one. Which is correct.
However, the past few years have also taken a toll on us, he had to switch jobs to make a lot less money (1/3 of what he made), multiple moves due to his parents losing their house, we lost a dog. It's been a lot. We've had talks in the past about me needing to change, and I just tried but never succeeded. In the beginning of the relationship he was the one who was a little behind and I tried to carry the load.

So, now he has asked for divorce end of October. He had agreed to go to counseling initially. At the end of the counseling appointment, the counselor said that she isn't sure what to do here with how checked out he is and basically declared our marriage dead, prompting my husband to file for divorce as he "got his confirmation".

The very next day he had paperwork ready for an uncontested divorce. He was still very friendly, telling me that his goal is to keep me safe and that I'm his best friend. But I tried to convince him to not divorce. I think I pushed him into a corner because, it seems like overnight his attitude changed. Suddenly he suggested I'd move out to a family members house. I said no. He was still ok and mostly friendly.

One week later he had an appointment ready to sign paperwork and first I agreed, but then backtracked and said I will not sign right away I need some time. This flipped a switch in him. He said things like he wished he would have never married me, telling me then I need to move out. He was very angry, slamming doors and just generally mad. He said he needs him to sign so he can heal.



I ended up signing. And currently more paperwork needed and things are being processed. So we're not divorced. ***EDIT*** and I've been really trying***EDIT***. He's been a little nicer. But I think he has detached quite a bit.

I reached out to the company who did our counseling and the CEO got back to me apologizing, saying the counselor shouldn't have done that and we should have done discernment counseling but she wasn't trained in that. They have now offered me free sessions. But again, he has made up his mind and has detached himself even more.

***EDIT***

Do I still have hope? What other resources/articles/... Would be helpful?

Hi Lili. Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you're in such a desperate situation.

Just a heads up: This website and forum only recommends the Marriage Builders programme devised by Dr Harley. His basic concepts, advice about specific problems such as infidelity and withdrawn spouses, and numerous resources such as questionnaires, are available here for free. We regular posters stay here giving only Harley advice because we have used it, and know it to be valuable. Not everyone saves their marriage - I can't imagine that that there is a programme anywhere on earth that can do that - but in those cases, we understand why it isn't possible to turn the marriage around.

Have you read the basic concepts yet?

I have read them. And I like them a lot. I just feel so lost because my husband does not have any hope. He barely speaks to me. So there isn't much to go on. I'm not sure how to apply the basic concepts to my marriage if my husband has said he's just done and doesn't want to work on it anymore.

I asked about the basic concepts because a person cannot really understand MB advice unless they understand the basic tenets. I wanted to know whether you'd read anything on the website.

However, the basic concepts alone do not deal with specific problems, such as a one-sided marriage. You need to read the other articles, which might not discuss your precise situation, but give Dr Harley's views on how long and how hard to fight. I don't have enough time to link the articles for you, but you can find them if you click to the "Articles" section in the red area at the top of every page, and the titles are self-explanatory and you can see what to choose.

Dr Harley is generally not in favour of the woman in the marriage breaking her back to save it when the man is not interested. He tends to feel that women's health suffers when they try to bear this burden, especially when the man might be having an affair, as I suspect from your description that yours might be. Also, men tend not to respond to desperate women. If he has another woman on the side, it is unlikely that you can do anything to bring him back. He needs to find out the futility of the affair for himself.

Have you done any spying on your husband? Could an affair be taking place?

Do not let your husband persuade you out of the home without a court order. If he becomes threatening or actually violent, call the police. I live in the UK and I do not have much knowledge of the different laws in each of your states, but you need to find out for yourself what protection exists in yours, so that women are not made homeless, even if their name is not on the lease or the deeds.

I would also strongly advise you to write to Dr Harley care of the MB radio show. Let him know whether you would be willing to have your email read out and answered on air, or perhaps you'd even speak yourself on air (we posters would appreciate hearing what he says, so that we can advise the next person). If you don't want any of this to go on air, tell him, and he will email you privately. Whatever option you choose, this is all free of charge, and he will follow up with you - free - for as long as you need.

I don't mind it being read out on air. I will write to him thank you

I would be very surprised if he has an affair. I know this is probably what everyone says. But I think the chances of an affair are very very low. It would be very out of character for him. Of course you can never say never.

The problem is, do you think any of us would have married a person for whom it is "in character"? I know some famous and powerful people with a terrible track record still manage to get another spouse (and another and another - Mick Jagger comes to mind), but if you read the Surviving an Affair section of this forum, none of us married spouses like that. We married them when we were fairly young, when neither of us had been married before. There was no "track record" to scrutinise. Not everyone that has an affair has had one before - where would it start, if they have to have a track record to have an affair? How would they ever have the first one? That's just an illogical deduction, and you need to wake up.

Most ordinary people in ordinary marriages do not set out to be philanderers, to have an affair at every and any opportunity. Most of them allow the attractions we all have, all the time, to grow. It will be an old girlfriend that contacts them, or a work colleague (so very common).

I must confess that I don't understand someone who is warned, who doesn't immediately say "I must look into this." There are millions of people in your country alone who never thought their spouse was having an affair, or ever could have an affair, who find out that they did have an affair and could hide it more easily because their spouse thought they would never do such a thing.

I was beyond naïve about the possibility of an affair, and I got terribly burned - but I knew nothing about the "normalness" of affairs in today's marriages. Your marriage shows all the signs, with a husband who is anxious for you to leave, and who gets angry because you won't. It isn't he who can't take the marriage any more and wants to leave - it is he who very likely has found another woman and wants to stay put and wants you to leave, so that you are out of the picture. You take the blame for all that was wrong, and he can start a new life without enormous upheaval and loss.

What are your ownership/rental arrangements? Would he have to compensate you, because you own the house together, or what?

I know an affair seems likely. But I am not convinced. But again, never say never.

He has calmed down the past few weeks and we're now okay co existing in the same house.

So what does "never say never" mean in practice? What are you going to do about this possibility - wait until it hits you in the face?

He no longer wants you out and you are co-existing in the same house. Does that mean the crisis is over?

Never say never as in, I don't think an affair is happening. But you can never be 100% sure, regardless of which option.

I don't think the crisis is over at all unfortunately.

But things have calmed down a little and I feel like we have been a little friendlier with each other. So I guess that's good.

Well, I just don't understand. you came here with a terrible crisis in your marriage, and within a few days and without any apparent intervention, you're friendlier with each other and you will co-exist in the same house. What happened to your husband's anger?

Wait I think there is a misunderstanding.
This all started in October.

All the info in the post is from 6-8 weeks ago. I am sorry I should have clarified.

So what happened to all of your husband's anger?

Did you ever write Dr. Harely?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.

He's generally an angry person. All his emotions come out in anger. So I think that some of his anger went away simply due to some time passing.

Yes I did email but haven't heard back yet. Thank you

Lili, did you email the address here? It needs to go to the radio show address, or Dr Harley might not get it. Do let us know when you get a reply.

Yes please let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.

Also here is some good reading as well
What to do with an Angry Husband

Yes I did

You heard back from Dr. Harley? What did he say?

So I meant I emailed him! I have not heard back yet.

Ok got it. Hopefully you hear back soon and please let us know what he says.