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jah #3017262 04/08/24 11:40 PM
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Hello jah,

I do not remember if you exposed to the workplace, but you mentioned in your last message that the OM had an affair with another teacher at the school, and the teacher had to quit. Is the school HR aware of the situation with the OM and your wife? This is the school where your wife works? Even if not, is HR aware?

I think you probably see how this could help you if they were made aware and they were forced again to take action. If I was an HR Manager or the Board of Directors' HR Committee Chair, I would look very negatively at a teacher involved in 2 affairs with fellow married teachers. That is a pattern of negative behavior and the school cannot condone it. It sends the wrong message to parents and the community.

And if the school HR admin does not tale action, I would go to the corporate governance body and complain loudly or to the local school board, etc.


Me: BH
Marriage: 22 years
2 kids
D-Day 5 Sept 2011
EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 204
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Originally Posted by Blackhawk
Hello jah,

I do not remember if you exposed to the workplace, but you mentioned in your last message that the OM had an affair with another teacher at the school, and the teacher had to quit. Is the school HR aware of the situation with the OM and your wife?

Yes I took your advice and notified the superintendent, basically the head of all the schools here. He is a good friend of my dad actually; he was the principal at my dads school for 8 years. I made sure the point of it was not my affair, but the fact that the OM has targeted two married women at the workplace, and that it sends the wrong message to the parents and community. I don't know where this will go, probably just a more stern warning, or maybe a kind of probation, but I'm not holding out hope they will fire him or anything.

Currently I am in plan A, but it is obvious my wife only wants cake eating. All my exposures and actions so far is not preventing this OM from leaving my wife. So I am in the planning stages of plan B. There are lots of details I need to work out, and I will put them here once I have given it a good thought. This is much more complicated than the last time I did plan B, as we have more finances to discuss and also the kids, and my wife is in fantasyland, but hopefully we can come to an agreement.


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
jah #3017270 04/17/24 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by jah
Also have you refreshed on Exposure 101? - Yes
I assumed when you answered "yes" to reading Exposure 101 that you had learned from it and would be implementing its suggestions. I should have realised when you suggested plastering the neighbourhood with flyers that you had read it and disregarded it.

One of the key recommendations it makes is that if this is a workplace affair - which it is - if your spouse does not agree to leave the job with immediate effect, you should swiftly inform the employers that the other person is having an affair with your spouse. There are specific suggestions for informing HR and demanding a response.

Informing the superintendent of the whole district is not good enough. In the case of a school affair, you need to target the head teacher, HR, and the Board of Governors - and you need to ask what they intend to do about the situation.

Posters are specifically warned about inadequate exposures that only serve to tick off the spouse, little by little, each time you expose a little more.

With your wife working with this man and living close to him, and having your financial and parental support, it's no surprise that the affair will not end. You seem to be reluctant to take decisive action because you hope she'll grow to love you and then she'll leave him. That won't happen if the job situation and the living situation do not change.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
jah #3017271 04/17/24 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by jah
Yes I took your advice and notified the superintendent, basically the head of all the schools here. He is a good friend of my dad actually; he was the principal at my dads school for 8 years. I made sure the point of it was not my affair, but the fact that the OM has targeted two married women at the workplace, and that it sends the wrong message to the parents and community. I don't know where this will go, probably just a more stern warning, or maybe a kind of probation, but I'm not holding out hope they will fire him or anything.
As well as the advice in the Exposure 101 thread, here is Dr Harley's advice on exposing a workplace affair:

"While I unhesitatingly recommend immediately exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the other person's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest immediately exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job.

If the unfaithful spouse has separated, in spite of my reservations I recommend immediate exposure to the employer. But if the unfaithful spouse has not separated, I advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse that if he or she works there one more day, the affair will be exposed to the employer. That gives him or her an opportunity to use vacation time to look for another job and make a graceful exit. If a new job is not found by the time the vacation time is over, I recommend applying for an unpaid leave of absence or a resignation to avoid returning to work.

If the unfaithful spouse becomes angry upon hearing the warning, making it clear that there will be no resignation from the job, I encourage the betrayed spouse to expose the affair to the employer immediately."

According to this advice, you need to ask your wife to leave her job (which I don't know that you have done yet). You need simultaneously to get her agreement to moving far away - letting out your house this very week, if need be. If she refuses to leave her job, expose to the relevant people, all at once and with them all copied in, the day after her refusal.

As for childcare in Plan B, I know single parents here in the UK who hire a live-in Au Pair to cover after school care and on-call care. You need to find a trustworthy person with good references, but being an on-call doctor does not make child care impossible.

Dr Harley advises the husband to move out when he is ready to go to Plan B, and not to "kick out" the wife. You should see a lawyer first about your legal rights and responsibilities. For example, how to stop OM from moving in.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,538
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BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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