I think your understanding is correct, although I think the issues you talked about in your other thread need discussion.
I listened and took notes from your broadcast. They are not exactly word-for-word, but very close to what Dr Harley and Joyce said. We must bear in mind, though that they said these things without knowing the other major issues that affect your marriage. It seems that you did not write to him after all, despite saying that you would.
I really don't understand why anyone would go to the trouble of posting here among non-experts, particularly on such difficult matters that you mentioned in your other thread, but not take advantage of the free expertise that they can get directly from Dr Harley.
Anyway, Dr Harley read this thread and said:
Dr Harley: The chapter on physical attractiveness in
His Needs Her Needs identifies PA as an emotional need, especially for men.
To breach the romantic love threshold you need enough love units to achieve that objective. While PA is enough for many people to breach the threshold, other emotional needs can do the same thing.
A combination of other needs can do the same thing. If you want to be in love, you don't necessarily need to find your spouse physically attractive. I have noticed this phenomenon that people in love, almost to the person, will say they find the other person physically attractive to them. This does not mean thy found the person physically attractive at the time they were dating them, prior to being in love. Over time, being in love gives a different perspective to the person you are married to.
Physical attractiveness is important. It isn't essential. You can find other emotional needs to achieve the objective of being in love.
Joyce: So don't worry about the attractiveness portion; work on other needs so that love can develop.
Dr Harley: These make massive love bank deposits:
Affection
Intimate conversation
Recreational companionship
Honesty and openness
Family commitment
Admiration.
A person does not have to be physically attractive to meet those emotional needs in a way that makes love bank deposits. Over time the person thinks "oh my God, I'm in love". The person that is doing things for you make them very attractive to the (first) person.
Joyce: Also the personality seems to change because they are making the effort to meet your needs. But this isn't one-sided. He needs to do things for her.
Dr Harley: They need to look at the emotional needs questionnaire. What needs would they like the other spouse to meet? This person (i.e. you, SadNewYorker) is not in love with his wife. Why is he not in love with her? It could be a cause of the lack of physical attraction. He might not have been in love at the time he married her. The 4th couple in the series of articles "Dating the one you married" were never in love when they married. So how can you create that love when it has never happened?
In this man's case it might be that neither one was in love, and that means they need to start paying attention to basic skills in meeting emotional needs. Fill out the questionnaires....They can develop love. We are all capable of experiencing the feeling of romantic love. You can get that felling but the other person needs to cooperate.