Ok, I have been reading and watching videos about emotional needs.

I am not quite sure how to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire. A lot of it depends.
Affection:
How often? I don’t know. How do I feel when I get it and don’t.. I don’t know. I am fine without hugs or anything sometimes and sometimes not. And many times he reaches for my hand and I have to make myself take it. I was that way with my kids as well. Sometimes I just really didn’t want to be touched.
But other times, if I am feeling sad or I don’t know why, then I will just go to him and get a hug. He is always happy to give one to me.

Sexual Fulfillment
This one is a little easier. I would be thrilled if we made love twice a week. When we don’t, I feel like maybe he doesn’t love me or it just reinforces to me how unattractive I am now. I was at least reasonably attractive as a young person. Now I am just a shapeless blob.

Intimate Conversation
Again, this depends on what I am in the mood for. And many times we talk a lot about projects we need to do. I hear all about a big legal issue we are currently undergoing. The trips we are planning. If it were lighthearted and fun. If I had something to talk about. Maybe I would like talking more. I just don’t know what to say
But I seem to have lost the ability. I don’t talk much to the kids either. They call dad. I just don’t have much to say. I led a women’s retreat several months ago and I felt like an outsider. I had no trouble teaching, but talking one on one. I listened a lot, but didn’t contribute anything. Mission trips. Same thing. I listen to suffering people, hug and pray with them. I can easily get everyone to talk about themselves.

Recreational Companionship
I enjoy this and think we do this rather well.

Honesty and Openness
I guess I really don’t care about this one. Sort of. A few people I know have turned out to be not what they appeared. I wish I never found out. I would rather just be happy, think the best of people. I want things to be safe and comfortable. I do not want to rock the boat ever. It isn’t worth it. I learned a long time ago in childhood how dangerous it can be to poke the bear. Nope.

Don’t care about:
Physical attractiveness- Though my husband is very, very attractive. But character counts more.
Financial support- I can do it myself if I need to. Not a big deal.
Domestic Support- He helps out and is actually a much better housekeeper than I am. He was also a much better parent when the kids were living at home as well.
Family commitment- That has always been huge to my husband. Still is. I am probably more friend focused.

Need for Admiration- Yes, this is a high need and my husband does it well. He tells me thank you and how well I do something all the time.

I am not sure how to rank my needs. Maybe
1. Sex
2. Recreational Companionship
3. Admiration


So perhaps the first step would be to talk to him about having sex more. Is that right?

I also read and somewhat resonated with the story of Jason and Nora, at least when we had children. We didn't have anyone nearby and didn't know anyone here at first.

I don't know that we need to schedule more time. However, we need to make at least 15 hours the most enjoyable part of the week for both of us.

We already spend 2 hours or so every morning exercising together which Dr. Harley seems to recommend in all of his examples. But maybe I need to work on improving my conversation during that time.

Yes, a lot of it depends. A lot of it even depends on what day it is, and how you are feeling that day. It depends upon what events are happening in your life at that point in time. I decided to become familiar with each emotional need and try to meet all of them for my wife. Of course I concentrate on the top three, but I touch on all of them in the course of a week. I usually don't say things like this to most of the people that I talk to you on Marriage Builders. It's nearly always best to keep things simple. I just have the feeling that more information will benefit you.
My W and I have been married for 47 years. If I watch her carefully, I can usually figure out what she needs as we go along. When both partners in a marriage understand emotional needs, how to avoid love busters, and how to spend quality time together, they can adjust as they go along to have a really wonderful marriage.

One of the things I will not do, is tell you how to do things, or exactly what to do. I will try to give you information, so you can make good choices about how to improve your marriage. I will also give you my opinion, but it's always expected that you'll do what you think is best.

As you become familiar with the information on this website, you will have to figure out how to include your husband in your marriage improvement journey.
More on this part later.

Weekends are often slow, especially holiday weekends. I will come back in a day or two with more comments. You gave a lot of valuable information about your feelings on emotional needs. I'm thinking about what you wrote.

Well, perhaps a little more now, but in a new post.
SS

It is interesting, that my wife also feels she is just a shapeless blob. It took me way too long to figure this one out. I have always felt like she is the most beautiful women on the earth. Still is. As long as we are married she always will be. So I started telling her how I feel. This is more than SF. (Sexual Fulfillment is often abrieveated "SF" on the forums to make things easier.)
When i tell her how i feel It's part SF.
It's non physical affection.
It's intimate conversation.
Honesty and openness.
And it's admiration.
My W says I don't have to tell her so often, but I keep doing it. I tell her she's sexy, then I show her I mean it. I tell her she's wonderful. I tell her she's beautiful. I tell her she's gorgeous. I say that when I'm with her it's magical. Then I go all out to make her feel the same magic that I feel. After you work the Marriage Builders program for a while you realize it's a mindset, not just some things that you do.
I turn 69 this year. She turns 67. We are usually both good for 1 to 2 times a week.
Romantic love is magical. Being in love is so sweet. I tell her that my whole life is better because I'm with her. It really is.

I know from your opening statement at the beginning of your thread that you want a marriage that feels magical. I think I said it took us a couple of years. That time was spent going from "let's see, what do I have to do for her today," to "hey good lookin, how can I help you in the kitchen?" Work is not so much work when you are spending time with the person who makes you feel the magic.

I asked my W if she wanted to read all of this thread. She said "I don't really want to read it right now." I just showed her what you said about the two of you and dancing. She just laughed.

Let's hit one or two more things, and I'll let you go. There is no way I can cover all of my thoughts today. I hope this doesn't bore you. We can condense if you want to, but I confess I am often wordy.


This is mostly refering to the relationship between Husband and Wife. When your H finds out how you feel about improving your marriage, I bet he will do everything in his power to help you feel the magic. If he had known last year how you felt, you might be a lot happier now.
Yes?
No?
What do you think?

I agree that it would not be a good thing to know everything about everyone. As far as not rocking the boat... Note that Dr Harley doesn't say that we need to be blunt or harsh. If a man's wife asks him "do you think I look good in this dress." He has choices how he can reply.

"That dress makes you look fat."
"I think you look really good in the blue flowered one."

Both statements may be honest. I don't think the second statement rocks the boat at all. I believe only a very foolish man would use the first.

When my W tries a new recipe, I am honest when she asks me how I like it. If don't like it, but say I do, she will make it again.
Not good.
Answers have to be tactful. "I liked the one you made two weeks ago better than this one. If I had my choice, that one would be my first pick."

Once during lovemaking I asked my W if what we were doing was feeling good to her. She said " I like everything you do."
What she said worried me a little bit. We discussed it. I told her we needed to be honest so that we could do more of what she really liked, and less of things that were only just OK or even hurt a little. The next time she said "well, that is a little uncomfortable."
In order to help our spouse, we have to know what they need help with. Honesty means giving them the information they need to do that.

Communication in marriage is really important. Some peope might have a difficult time doing the asking. Are you OK with it?
Any reservations?

I love your description of magical, and yes, that is what I want.

He might have to lie to say all the things you do of your wife, though. He told me physical attractiveness was important to him when we first married. At that point I was a size 0/2. Both of his parents were morbidly obese and he is so very sensitive about weight. He is underweight actually. All of the older ladies at church are always coming up and telling me I need to feed him. ):

For most of our marriage after children, I was a 6/8. I took medicine for depression a decade ago and gained 40 pounds. Even though I only took the meds for a year, I have never been able to lose the weight. Now I am size 14/16.

So, I guess, I just don't know that he would be telling the truth to say I am sexy.

So, yeah it is a little/ a lot uncomfortable to ask. I would probably just flirt and initiate. It is just he is in so much pain sometimes now, I hesitate. And no, if it is just about me and not the two of us BOTH coming together, it isn't SF. Not to me. Asking him just to give me pleasure sounds horrible. I need to know that I drive him nuts. (in a good way (: )

But if I want to have the marriage I want, I need to ask. Not today because it is his holiday. But tomorrow, I will begin to bring it up in conversation, maybe on our walk. Would that be a good time?

So, I just read Dr. Harley's articles on physical attractiveness... I need to lose the weight... I do not know that I can. I don't know if I am willing to do what it takes.

My wife is 5'4", I am 5'11".
I am overweight... at about 200 lbs. My wife weighs just a little more than I do. When we married, I was at 165 lbs, she was at 107. Back then she ate one small meal a day. She looked great, and because she was on the ballroom dance team, she was in very good condition. They did competitions and exibitions all over the western US, and she could really dance because she was so fit. After we married, she was a runner. She did a marathon just show us she could. Child birth was hard on her, and she was also on meds for depression for some years. It is difficult for her to be as heavy as she is now... especially with her earlier history. She has tried lots of ways to loose weight, none of them have really worked long term. She does not eat that much now, but still, even the Doctors don't seem to be able to help her.
We exercise 4 days a week, for about an hour and a half each day. Sometimes more, seldom less. She swims for two of those days because it's easier on her knees.

So, based on the sizes you mentioned, you are quite a bit lighter than she is. The reason she is the most beautiful women in the world is because she is MY women. (As I am her man.)

I would guess that your husband thinks the same way about you, that I think about my wife. The world is trying to get us all to think the same about beauty, or the lack of it. My belief is that the standards of the world are kind of fake.

We still don't know which emotional needs are most important to your H. Before you worry too much about this, we need him to understand emotional needs, and decide what is most important to him AT THIS POINT IN TIME. I am sure your H would like it if you lost weight, however it sounds like he is really in love with you right now anyway. This is another illustration of why communication in marriage is so important. You need to know how he feels about this.

Both my W and I have lost some weight in the last year. I was at nearly 250 lbs, and have about 30 more to go. Would love for my W to loose a lot more just so she could feel better, but I love her either way.


If while walking you could talk without distraction then it would probably work well. You would know better than we would.

Many people have come to MB (Marriage Builders) over the years and been converted to the material here, and then have to talk to their spouse and convince them read the materials to help improve their marriage. We are one of those couples. I often say to my W, "we need to talk." I think it scared her the first few times, but now she knows I just want to make improvements in our relationship.

You may want to introduce it to him as you did to us.


Do you think it would be effective to bring up the way they were looking at each other and tell your H that you want that back for your own marriage? He may surprise you and tell you he already feels that way about you. Be prepared for that. Not kidding.

Some people who have come here have just showed their spouse their posts here on MB, which in your case would probably explain your feelings well and make it easy for him to understand. Your call, as always. You are/were a teacher, and I suspect you are better than most of us at explaining things.

So... my W is in the kitchen making frosting for my favorite chocolate cake for Father's day. I come up behind her and kiss her neck. I say "if you weren't so beautiful and sexy I would leave you alone, but you are beautiful, and you are sexy, and I can't help it. She smiles, and turns around and kisses me. I kiss her back. I tell her "thank you for marrying me, you make my life better." She says "how do you expect me to get anything done." Then she kisses me again. I steal a taste of frosting, and leave the kitchen. And no, I won't lose any weight today. ;-)

Ah, so much to comment on, and so little time. I hope that it feels like you are making progress. On this end it looks like you are.
SS

Another PS...
I have no idea what the medical problem is that is causing your H to suffer with a lot of pain. I did not touch on it in my discussion but you know you need to keep it in mind as you go forward. Most people who get to my age are no stranger to pain, so I feel for both of you. Prayers in his (and your) behalf.

Thanks Still Seeking. When we married, he was 6 foot and 165 and I was 5'4'' and 115 soaking wet, more like 110. After kids I kept a pretty consistent 130 until on the anti-depressants. At my heaviest, I was 170. Now am 165. He is 140. But you are right, who knows what he truly thinks though he has said a few things that give me a clue.

Yesterday was the absolute best day. We went to church and laughed and laughed during Sunday School. I helped lead the singing in worship, and it just felt so good to focus on God instead of myself. Sermon was good. One of the older ladies came up to me again and asked if my husband was ok as he looked so thin and pale. Are you feeding him? Sigh.

After church, we talked about what happened that morning and laughed a lot. Then we had SF and you couldn't wipe the grin off my face for the rest of the day. I was in such a great mood.

So funny. I felt so good yesterday, but slept like crap last night. Actually, I haven't been sleeping well for weeks. So I woke up hungover and angry this morning. (What I think hungover would feel like. I don't drink.) Yesterday will provide a springboard to talk about having more SF. It will be easy to say, how much I enjoyed it and how much fun it was yesterday and let's have more fun.

That said, with his health issue, I know he doesn't always feel great. He doesn't complain. I can just tell when he really hurts and if I ask him, he will admit it. That is why I tend to let him take the lead in SF. Honestly, if I felt the way he did I wouldn't want to. He pushes himself to work at stuff around the house because he says it helps him not to think about the pain. It is what it is I suppose.

We had a very good conversation about SF on our walk. Nice give and take on both sides. A very enjoyable conversation.

Good for you!

Still seeking officially retired two years ago but they occasionally call me in to work on special projects. Will be working the next 2 or 3 days. I may not reply in a timely manner. Depends on how I feel in the evenings.

So glad you are making progress. So happy for you.
SS

I am glad you were able to communicate your feelings to your husband.
Do you consider this to be a relationship breakthrough?
That is, will this success make it easier to talk more about your marriage as you go along?

Are you as happy now ( when you read this) as you were during and just after the conversation with him?

Would like to visit with you some more about emotional needs, but it will be a few days before I'll be able to post.

Do you already know what you want to work on next, or should we help with suggestions?

Do you have any questions about things you are reading?

Do you wish Still Seeking would stop asking questions?

Haha
I'll let you go for now.
SS

Breakthrough. I don't know. I would say we had a major breakthrough about ten years ago when I was going through my depression. I was basically playing happy wife on the outside and about ready to jump off a cliff on the inside. Now he knows much, much, much more about what I am thinking and feeling. Is it as much as this board would like, probably not, but still. For me, much better. No one else knows me like he does. Well, that has really always been true. Even when he didn't know as much as he does now, he knew so much more than anyone else. I am pretty much a performer.

Am I as happy now? Probably not. So, I kind of feel like if 100 is a full love bank, we kind of hover around 85 most of the time. It is a B. Comfortable, loving. On Sunday, I was at 120. Yesterday, maybe 105. Today, maybe 95. SF always makes me silly giddy. It just does. It gives me energy and makes me feel powerful.

Sure I would love suggestions. And no questions are great. Thank you for helping. I will take any posters' help.

So time isn't the issue. We just need to make it more enjoyable. I have been reading the conversation articles. We need to make our conversations more enjoyable.

But I feel like part of my issues come into play here. We have plenty to talk about. Some not so fun: legal issue, getting mice out of the rv, health issues, etc. Issues with the nonprofit we run.

His favorite topics of conversation: the latest RV modification or any of the updates. He always has multiple projects going on and loves to describe how he does them.

My favorite topics... I do not know. I no longer have what student is doing what to talk about. I am very, very task oriented, so most of my communication is about what needs to get done. After that, I am lost.

And the line between fun gets really, really blurry. I saw that many suggestions on other threads were about vacations to take. We have a five week one coming up in the fall. We decided where we are going for our anniversary in summer 2025 which is overseas and will take major planning/research. It is fun to research these places we are going. And yet, there is also the pressure to figure out exactly what to see, how to see it, are we doing it right, best order, did we miss anything???

And again, that is MY issue. I take anything fun and create a have-to task with it. Part of my personality. My husband is himself a very detail oriented person as well. We are both first born list makers. We work SO incredibly well together. Always have. You need a couple to get something done. We are it.

We just struggle to keep things fun and light. We have a good marriage. So I think, and maybe you can tell me if I am right or not, my next objective should be for us to have fun, enjoyable conversation. I just need to figure out exactly how to do that and how to keep it that way and not turn the conversation into a to-do list.

I think that is why my friendships have all gone away as well. I was part of groups or jobs and I worked really well with people, but again, it was all task oriented. So now that the tasks are done, the friendships are done. This probably isn't a marriage issue, but a me issue. I don't know how to just be and enjoy people.

I notice how quickly I jump up from the table to load the dishwasher and get on to the next thing while he is still there wanting to talk. I just don't know how.

You kind of amaze me. Conversation is what I wanted to discuss next.

We live in the mountain time zone. It's 6:10 AM here, and i'm leaving for work. All of the information you are giving is very very valuable. Wish I had more time right now to discuss these things with you. I hope Sugar Cane and Brain Hurts join in, they are really good.

You keep thinking on this. I have some ideas but you may have it all wrapped up by the time I get back to you. ;-)

SS

I'm trying to decide if I should comment on what you have already said, or ask you more questions... how about comments tomorrow when I am more recovered from work... and one question tonight.

How are you (both of you) doing so far this week? Note that this is not part of a greeting (hi, how are you? Just fine, and you?)

I really want to know how you are.
Asking for two reasons. One, I care and would like to know. Two, what you say will help set the tone for the comments I'll make tomorrow.

I plan on making some observations based on things you have said so far, then will discuss conversation. How about... sort of discuss it. Kind of dance around the topic and ask a lot more questions.
Wish the four of us could do this one in person. It might take a while going back and forth like this.

I get to work again next week, so we'll have to do the best we can.

SS

How are we doing? Meh.

I am not sleeping well. I am doing all of the things you are supposed to do: regular bedtimes, no caffeine after noon, no screens at least two hours before bed, dark room, cold room, hot bath, getting exercise during the day, etc. But still only 5 to 6 hours a night, though I think I am awake more often than my Apple Watch shows.

My husband has had some bad days painwise. One morning we just walked in silence. Neither one of us had much if anything to say. Neither of us were mad or anything. Neither of us felt our best, though.

He also had super bad allergies one afternoon evening and felt like crap. He is taking his allergy meds again, so he is better.

Our fun date this week was to a beautiful garden that had walking trails, but that was the day his pain was awful, so he was really, really quiet. I wish I had gone by myself so I could have just prayed and wrote in my journal or for my blog. He was being a trooper and trying to be with me. It is just hard. I can tell when he is in pain even though he never complains.

And I will just add for the moderators, I still have trouble getting in to post. No matter what browser I use I get a gateway error. It takes many times of trying over much time before I can finally post. I think most people would just give up and assume the forum is broken.

My fitbit watch says I'm asleep if I lay quietly and don't toss and turn much. Even if I lay awake for hours.

I retired at the end of December 2021. My job was physically demanding, and I usually worked 10 to 11 hour days. Lay down in bed, instant asleep. In retirement I have had trouble sleeping. Go to bed, can't fall asleep. Go to sleep, wake up at 2 am, can't go back to sleep until almost time to get up then sleep until 7 or 8 when I should be up. Or, wake up at 4:30 and just get up because I know I won't be able to sleep anyway. Until about a month ago.

Now I sleep most nights just fine. Have no idea how or why it changed. Was praying right along for help. As you said, was ticking off all the fall asleep boxes. It's like God flipped a switch inside of me, and I can lay down and sleep. Get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and fall right back asleep. Wake up in the morning 5 minutes before the alarm goes off, as I used to when I worked full time.

The only thing that might be different... went back through the Marriage Builders materials the last 3 or 4 months. Fine tuned our marriage again. More at ease all the time. Less worries about life, or the problems of life. All our troubles have not gone away, we just don't care as much about them. I look ar her, she winks at me. We are in public, I squeeze her hand three times... it means
I
love
you
She smiles at me and nods her head. Is MB the difference? I don't know. Perhaps it's just coincidence.

I hope you get relief. Not getting enough sleep seemed to make our troubles worse. I am pretty much an optimist. Much more difficult to be an optimist when you are not getting enough sleep. I never did doubt or complain. I would lay awake for hours, often praying. Would tell God I knew he could help me, but that he knew best, and if I needed to learn something from the experience, he should do what was best for me. I made a deal with God many years ago. He can do whatever he wants with me, and I will go along with it and try to learn and improve no matter what happens to me. Looking back at my life, I can see how I received great benefits from some of the things that were the most difficult.

I know God does not cause all of our problems, but he is magnificent in that he is able to take these things and turn them to our benefit, no matter what the problem is or was.

I'll keep going, but feel to say there is a reason I'm sharing these things with you. Will tie it all together soon.


When I was 27, I was in an accident and broke my ankle. I lived in a small town, that had one orthopedic surgeon. He did the best he could, but I was often in pain. Hiking was a pretty big part of my life back then. I co founded a hiking club, of which I was the President the first two years. (By the way, this club is still in operation.) As the years went on, the pain got worse.

For many years we owned and operated a camping store. In 2008 when the recession hit, we had just borrowed the money to pay off our partner, and to buy the building were in. We lost money in 2008, and knew that if the loss continued it would bankrupt us. We couldn't make the payments to the bank, so we had a going out of business sale and made just enough money to pay all our debt. No job, but debt free. A mixed blessing.

My grandfather was a mechanic. He started in the 1920's. Retired in the 1960's. As a small boy I would hand him tools, and I learned a lot about fixing things.

So... many years after I helped my grandfather, my business is gone and I am looking for a job. I have some skill as a mechanic. We get a call from someone we know well who has a construction company. He has been through three mechanics in three years and wants someone he can trust. He knows my history. I have work, but it's hard working on heavy equipment. Dump trucks, loaders, track hoe's, diesel generators. We live in the desert southwest (United States) with temps up to 115 F in the summer. It was hard on me. By the time I retired, I was having a hard time walking. I would go home and get out of my truck and needed crutches to get in the house. It hurt so bad I couldn't put my foot on the ground. Next morning, it hurt, but I could walk... repeated over and over.

Retired in December 2021. January 2022 had a brand new nylon/stainless steel ankle installed. Had asked what could be done over the years, and they finally had an artificial ankle that would work. Couldn't afford to do it until retirement as there is such a long recovery time. Now I have normal aches and pains, but I can walk, and even hike again. God is kind. In any other age of the world, the pain would have been with me til death. What a blessing to live in this day and time. As I said earlier, there is a reason I'm telling you these things.


So, he walks because it hurts just as much to sit still, so he might as well be doing something?


Sometimes, when two people are in love, it is enough just to be together. It doesn't make the pain go away, but somehow things are better when the one you love is with you. Have you asked him how he feels? Is he going because it's his duty to go, or because he wants to be with you? Both of you need to know the answer.

Part of being totally in love, part of the magic, is being totally one with each other. Understanding each other. When you get to the point where you are so much in love that knowing the others feelings is automatic, you will feel the magic. Until then, you have to practice by talking to each other. You cannot become one with someone unless you're willing to give them the information they need to make the connection. It goes both ways in marriage. Magic does not come to marriage with a magic wand, It comes bit by bit as you change your habits and do the things that brings the magic into your lives.

Doctor Harley has a list of things... that if you do them, your marriage becomes much much better. What he is not telling you, Is that while you are doing these things, a process takes place In your hearts, and in your minds. The two of you change and start to become one. What used to be I, becomes WE. The change starts to take place because of things that you do. As with all other skills, whether they be teaching or dance, it takes practice.


You and I have been having a conversation. In one way, it is a task oriented conversation. You are looking for ways to improve your marriage, so you came to the MB forum to have a conversation about how to do that.

I've given you a lot of background information about myself that I do not ordinarily give this early in conversation with anyone. As you read these things, you get a better understanding of who it is that is talking to you. We are real people with similar struggles to your husband and yourself. It creates A little more trust that you will get the help you need. If someone else has used these materials to have a more successful marriage, then why not you?

So, you and I have been having this conversation.
Has this conversation been enjoyable to you? As opposed to something that you just have to do, because you need the information.
If yes, do you understand why?

Much of what we need to know about improving our marriage comes from understanding and improving ourselves. You are worried that you are not a good conversationalist. I am wondering if this is more about you needing to share things with your husband that you're afraid to share.

If you are ever uncomfortable with anything i say here, just come back and say "Still Seeking, I would like to change directions."
I will understand what you mean.

My take on this is that you are a very good conversationalist. You are intelligent and you express yourself well. You've been very open about some things because you need information. But you were also very guarded about other things. I think you are a modest person by nature.

On the gateway error -
I sent an email about a month ago. No one replied to me. I use various methods to get in. The error only happens after I login. Before I login, I don't get the error. After I login, it takes you to the screen where it says "Enter the marriage builders discussion forum"
I have never been able to get in from that prompt.

I have bookmarked your thread in my browser, and I go directly to that bookmark. That gets me in most of the time. Sometimes I get "gateway error" even then, but if I try again, I always get in.

One of these days when I have a little more time and don't need to post, I'll try to get someone else's attention so that it can be fixed, But I have never had a close relationship with the mods/ tech support people. For your information, there was more than ten years when I didn't post at all. I just came back a few months ago. Felt like I needed to be back.

Next -
Next post, I'll tell you a little about my grandmother, who was a school teacher.

OK, I have a great many things I need to post to you about. Today was just the tip of the iceberg.
However, my grandmother really was a school teacher, and I might tell you a little bit about her.

As I am fond of saying... Smile, it's good for your face.

SS

So, I am lost... What do I need to do? What is the next step I need to take?

Can we make sure of where you are at this point in time? I believe you are familiar with most of Dr Harley's basic concepts. I will not comment on everything. We also need to know if your H understands them?

From the MB website: A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
Basic Concept #1: The Love Bank -
Basic Concept #2: Instincts and Habits
This one goes along with Love Busters. They can either improve your Marriage, or tear it apart, depending on good or bad habits
You have said you don't believe either of you has a problem with these.
Basic Concept #3: Love Busters

Basic Concept #4: The Most Important Emotional Needs
Both of you should have completed an Emotional Needs Questionnaire. I know YOU have. If your H has not, that is the next step.
Basic Concept #5: The Policy of Undivided Attention
You should be spending at least 15 hours a week doing things together. I know you have filled out the Recreational Enjoyment Inventory. By now you should have made adjustments and be spending your time doing things you both really enjoy.
If not, make these adjustments as you go along. Please note, this does not mean you never do things the other does not feel as strongly about as you do, but I recommend those times be in addition to 20 or more hours doing things you really like.

Basic Concept #6: The Policy of Joint Agreement
You should be following this policy. I have not seen you post about it, but it's just as important as the rest of the concepts.

Basic Concept #7: Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
Basic Concept #8: The Policy of Radical Honesty
If your H does not know when you want SF, he can''t help you. You should let him decide if the pain is to much. (that's my opinion, for what it's worth)
You talked about knowing what the other will do in any given situation. How you know each other really well. This applies to feelings too. When I mentioned becoming one leads to the magic, I was mostly thinking of knowing each others feelings. If you always know when your H is burning with desire for you, and he knows when you have those feelings for him, skip to the next item. If not, work on this one as you go along.

Basic Concept #9: The Giver and Taker
We have not really discussed this one either. If either of you give to much, you are suffering to make the other happy. If either one takes to much, the other suffers.

Basic Concept #10: The Three States of Mind in Marriage
You should be in the state of Intimacy.

Make sure you are doing well with all of these basic concepts, or working on them and improving.
Next up, Making sure your emotional needs are being met.

SS

Dr Harley on emotional needs -
I'm in the business of trying to save all marriages, not just average marriages, so I encourage each couple to ignore what I say about average male and female needs and identify those that are unique to them. That way each spouse's list of the most important emotional needs reflects what he or she appreciates the most. When they meet those needs for each other, they create the greatest happiness, and trigger a mutual feeling of love.

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Intimate Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration


Since SF does so much for you, and you put it first, that is where to put the most effort. If you had wonderful SF three days a week, your love bank would always be full. At least, that is what it looks like based on your prior comments.
You have already had a conversation with your H about it. Part of the problem is his pain. Hopefully you two have worked out a better arrangement for both of you.
Will his condition get worse? Is he improving.? Will it get better? It sounds like your giver does a lot of work helping him. (emotional well as physical) Your taker might not be happy.
Sometimes we think our giver should keep giving, and our taker should just shut up. Remember though, Dr Harley did not invent the giver or taker inside of us. He merely identified the way our minds work and gave a name to things we feel or do. You really do need to consider how to get this need met by your H, so that you can feel the magic all the time.

You are taking care of Recreational Companionship. Just remember to spend most of the time on things you BOTH enjoy.

Admiration -
Based on what you said about teaching and Bible Study... I think you were (partially anyway) getting this need, and conversation met doing these things.
You said "not sure if that makes sense." It does. It did when I first read it.

Can your H do more with admiration? You say he already does well, but can he do even better? Deep down inside are there things you do that you don't feel he notices? Does your taker want him to notice what your giver does for him?
It may be that he really is covering it all the way around.
Think on this one a little longer. One of the things you can do is compare how your needs are being met now, to how they were being met when you first started dating and got married.

Conversation -
You have said quite a bit about this one. Most of it is speculation. In other words, you are thinking about it and trying to figure out what you need, and how to make it work.
Two things -
One
I have a friend who I served closely with in various church positions. One evening I asked him what he had planned for the next day .He said "I am going shopping with my wife." Knowing that shopping was not one of his favorite activities, I told him I was sorry he had to do that.
Then he said something that made me think about my own marriage. He said "Oh no, you don't understand, It doesn't matter what we do, I just want to spend time with her.
If conversation is also important to your H, can you do that for him? Can you talk about anything just to be talking to HIM. It will get easier in time
Two
- If the conversation is for you - You will probably need to form new conversational habits. Perhaps you can start by making a suggestion list of things that you COULD talk about. Things you have done, things you will do. Things your H does that you are thankful for. What things are important to your H that you could talk about every day, but that you have not been interested in. Would you be more interested if it was on your "To Do" list and you got to check it off when you talked about it?
Would conversation be more fun if you talked about SF?
This is probably enough for today.
SS