Do you treat each other as equals in your relationship?
I can see that sometimes you defer to him. Does this go both ways?

I don't have time tonight to do as much background explaining as I would like. We don't have much time left before you go. Would like to give you some things to think through while you are gone.

Why am I asking about this?
My belief is that men and women approach things differently, and that this is a good thing. It is the differences that make the union of a man and a women more than the sum of the parts. There was a time when I wished my wife was more like I am. Now I am thankful she is not. There was a time when I would discount her opinion, now I often feel her Input is worth more than my own.

So, do you feel your input is valued?
When you have a conversation with your husband does it feel like two equals conversing and coming to agreement?


I am a perfectionist, and also I am obsessive/compulsive. I want things done RIGHT NOW, and I want them done PERFECTLY.
Oh man, the problems this has caused in our relationship. Note I said "has caused," and I did not say "is causing".

As I contemplated retirement, I realized that unless I changed, it would drive my wife crazy because she would be with me all the time.
Most important - my relationship with my W.
Much less important - getting THINGS done. THINGS can wait, the love of my life's feelings cannot wait.

We have an RV also. Ours is a smaller trailer we pull behind our pickup truck. We like to boondock, so I have wired it for solar panels and we have 4 lithium batteries that will power us for 4 - 5 days even if the days are cloudy. I laughed when you described your conversation with H about choosing new batteries. We discuss these kinds of things because we follow the policy of joint agreement. I don't want to bore her, so I put it In simpler terms and tell her what I think we should do. She asks questions that shows she understands my concerns and then agrees or disagrees. I want her to understand that her opinions are valuable. She wants me to know that she cares enough to listen and understand. We are a team. Creating a stronger bond. I feel closer to her, she feels closer to me.

There are some problems with the yard and the house that will have to wait. I'll get to most of it eventually. Sure, THINGS have to be taken care of. We have to pay the bills and so on, but our hearts are attached to each other, not things, tasks, hobbies, other people.

Here is something I have just realized... learned from thinking through writing my posts here on MB.

My main hobby these days is helping my wife be happy. Everything else comes after that. Well, I suppose serving God and my fellow men are right there with making her happy. After all, God expects me to take proper care of her, and she expects me to serve God with all my heart. These are so entwined it's hard to separate them. This is something I just realized these last few weeks.

We still do recreational things, don't get me wrong. We do things with friends, and children, and grandchildren. The difference is, I am asking myself "how will this strengthen our marriage, and help her be happier?" I have noticed that the more I give to her, the more she gives to me. I love my hobby.

Is it from following Dr. Harley's plan? Mostly. I freely admit it's easier to meet needs when you are in love.

DOES YOUR HUSBAND KNOW HOW YOU FEEL?
If he does not know how you feel, your next assignment is to find a way to communicate with him about these feelings. He cannot help you unless he knows.

Note: there are better/worse ways of discussing this. We can talk more about it. Don't stress over it. You may be obsessive/compulsive too, but this does not have to be discussed today. Or even tomorrow. Not until you WE have worked out the best way to do it and you are comfortable with it.

He is wrapped up in his own struggles, but him helping you will change his focus and get his mind on something besides his pain. It will be good for him.

Do you have any worries about your preparations for your trip?
Worries about marriage building while on your trip.
Any reservations about going?

Do you like ice cream?
Sorry, just had to throw that in. Sometimes we get too serious here. Had to lighten it up a little bit.

Please understand that there are reasons why I ask things the way that I do. I'm not trying to be judgmental or say you are doing things right or doing things wrong. The goal is to let these things work in your subconscious mind, so that your mind will find solutions. You are a smart person, things will come to you over time after you read through this. By now, I have a great deal of faith in YOU.
SS

Hi CS,
I would guess most of your efforts these next few days will be spent making sure you are ready for your trip. Hope it goes well for both of you.

May God bless and take care of you, and bring you safely home when you are finished. May he help you sleep so that you will be able to do what is needed.

In Alabama my good friends say "Y'all come back now."
In the west many of us say "happy trails."

SS

I didn't plan on posting again before you left, but this kept coming to my mind, so I typed it out.



I sense you don't feel very comfortable bringing this up to him. He doesn't hurt you on purpose. It's already been difficult getting this far. It feels like you are wondering if you ought to put these things on hold or at least slow down a little bit. . (If I am wrong, please comment, but you can leave it until you come back home.)

Here is a link to an article written by Steve Harley. (Click on the word article)
Steve is Dr. Harley's son, who also happens to do marriage counseling.
Steve does a good job explaining how getting hurt by accident still hurts. I don't suggest you quote this verbatim.
You may be able to adapt it though.

You'll have some time to think about it.
Bon Voyage

So, it looks like this forum is pretty much dead. Are there other ones you would recommend to discuss this stuff?

I will write to Dr. Harley and ask him to delete the forum or at the very least to quit advertizing it on the radio when you get very few responses.

I will say that, rom my point of view, the problem is not this forum, it is you. I don't think you can tell Dr Harley how to run his forum. He has created it for those who wish to make use of it.

I recognised you from the first post here. You invent a new name, change or hide some of your history, get very detailed help and when you think you can't use it and nobody understands you, you stop posting. Several people, including still seeking, have given a great deal of time to counsel you and you more or less brush them off.

Here is a recent thread of yours: https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/t...58/page-2?post_id=20938614#post-20938614

and you posted for months on another site, with the same hopelessness and then disappeared.

Is anything I said in the above post actually untrue? If so, what?