I'm a stepfather. I love my step children and my wife very much, but I've got a problem. My wife signed our daughter up for dance classes, and our son for Brazilian jiu-jitsu. She did this at the beginning of school last year. I knew about it and supported it; however, I was surprised to find out that they would be going three times a week after school. I assumed it would be once a week.
Initially, they both went from 5pm to 6pm Tuesday and Thursday, and separately from 4-5pm, and 5-6pm on Wednesday. So on Tuesday and Thursday it was pretty easy to drop them both off and pick them both up in two trips. Wednesday was more complicated with dance from 4-5pm and BJJ from 5-6, which meant 3 trips. Then, later in the year, they moved my step son to a more advanced class from 6-7pm on Tuesday and Thursday with Wednesday staying from 5-6pm. Not only did this complicate driving everyday, it meant our evenings were all about waiting and driving and more waiting and more driving. Dinner was rushed and we seldom ate together anymore. I expressed concern a few times to my wife that life was beginning to pass like water over a smooth rock because our lives were disrupted by the new schedule and we weren't doing anything together or as a family like we used to.
We had a nice break from all of that for the summer, then it got worse this year. The new schedule is Monday, Wednesday and Thursday and times are all over the place. The BJJ class never ends at exactly the same time. I picked up our son Monday and waited 20 minutes until 7:25pm, which is unacceptable to me. Dance class starts at 4pm one day and I think 5pm the remaining days. I feel like our evenings are divided up into small bits of time that are too short to do anything other than wait for the next trip. Not to mention the difficulty with both of us working, albeit from home most of time, which makes this sort of possible, but very disruptive with work meetings, deadlines, etc.
My wife and I discovered the marriage builders site and have been applying the principals to our marriage. It's been truly great. We had no preexisting problems, we just wanted to be proactive about having a good marriage and staying in love. But I realized something. I've been slowly pushed into a corner with these after school activities and have transformed from the giver to the taker. I decided to discuss this with my wife last night before it becomes more of a problem. I told her how I feel about the schedule, all the driving and its affect on my mental health. I told her that because I never enthusiastically agreed I am starting to feel bad about it. It turned into an argument and eventually she accused me of feeling this way because they are not my children. It hurt my feelings a lot considering everything I do. I ended the conversation there and told her that we need to come back to the discussion after we've had some time to think. We've been distant since then. I'm sure I made huge "family commitment" withdrawal from her love bank, as did she from mine.
I'm not sure what I want here. Maybe I just want to feel like I was part of this decision that is affecting my life so much. Maybe I think three days is excessive. I took karate once a week when I was a kid. I also played sports at school, but there was a late bus for kids in athletics and other after school programs. I also have an older biological son who turned out just fine without three days of madness. I get the importance of socializing children, keeping them busy and their brains stimulated. I am just on the fence about it coming at the cost of my own sanity and possibly my marriage.
I'm not sure how to broach this subject again. It's not resolved and it will probably continue grow into an even bigger problem. How should I approach this and try to solve it?
