New here, hi ya’ll. My problem is a lack of sexual satisfaction but there are extenuating circumstances, which I’m not sure how to overcome.
We’ve been together 42 yrs, married 40. Two kids in 30s and one grandchild. 5 yrs retired in small beach town. We both have good friends, lots of activities- athletic, social, and local civic groups.
But our sex life has been sporadic to almost non-existent for last 10-12 yrs. when we were younger we both worked long hours and he had to travel for work almost every week for 2-4 days. Weekends we were almost always separated, traveling with our kids’ sports teams. Sex wasn’t frequent but good.
Then I was diagnosed as bipolar and put on 4 different medications, some made me sleepy, some killed my libido.
Just when my meds were being adjusted to minimize side effects, about 6 yrs ago, he was diagnosed with diabetes 2. His meds caused erectile dysfunction. He’s been to doctor who prescribed Viagra, which helps only a little.
Research I’ve done suggests other ways besides intercourse but he doesn’t like performing oral sex (tho he’s happy to receive it- on a very regular basis).
I’ve bought some ‘toys’ that were suggested but I feel embarrassed about suggesting them. We once were very open to experimentation but it’s been a long time and while both our bodies have changed, I’m the only one that feels unattractive I guess.
I know we’re getting old but, dammit, I still want sex and intimacy.
What can be done to attempt to get some of the fun and pleasure back? Or is it hopeless to fight time and meds?

Hi EmbraceChaos, welcome to Marriage Builders! Has your husband tried other medications for ED? There are also better solutions for Type 2 diabetes that are much healthier than meds, such as the keto diet and/or intermittent fasting. I reversed my own T2D through diet. Has he looked into other options? What meds is he taking that would cause ED?

Did you take medication at some point before you got it turned around? My husband is trying to avoid having to start insulin.
I’m going to get him to go on the keto diet. He tries to eat low-carb but he cheats.
Considering how expensive Viagra is, it would be good to try other meds. His doctor told him that aside from Viagra type drugs the other options are Caverject or a penile implant. I wouldn’t expect him to consider those options.
I’m just very frustrated. We’re free from parenting and jobs and now have the money to enjoy life. We’re planning trips to Europe and Caribbean - would like them to be romantic (and intimate).

I have never been on insulin because that is inappropriate for Type 2 diabetes. T2D is a curable disease where the body makes too much insulin, so adding it would make the problem worse. I was once on metformin to control my blood sugar, but then I discovered that high BS is only a result of high insulin. I just changed my diet and my insulin dropped which made my BS drop.

What kind of meds is he taking for his T2D?


Has he tried cialis?

I noticed that you state your husband enjoys receiving oral sex. Does that mean he has erections? I would stop this practice completely, since oral sex creates a contrast effect with sexual intercourse. Are you in love with each other?

There may be psychological reasons behind his lack of interest. He may be dealing with insecurity in his body image. That can lead to avoidance behaviors, because he does not want to experience what he perceives as failure in form of ED.

Take the focus off of him and instead make your own satisfaction the goal. Suggest the toys, suggest that he uses them on you. Be brave. You have every right to have a sexually satifying, loving and intimate relationship.

I've been trying to resist adding to this thread as I find myself in a nominally similar position, although without some of the substantial complicating medical issues. I have not been able to achieve a satisfactory outcome.for myself, so any commentary I make is definitely questionable in the context of this website.

The need for sexual fulfillment is apparently only of concern to the OP as it is not reciprocated by her husband, while he will apparently readily accept receiving his own gratification. Obviously a significant mismatch in emotional needs there. The bigger problem however is the obvious lack of care to work on a solution enjoyable to both. There is no point in finding reasons or making excuses for why he is not interested. If there is no desire to work on a mutually enjoyable solution,that is the problem to work on.

I don't think there is any magic wand or pill yet that will make a partner sexually connected again against their will. My only suggestion is to present your husband with Dr Harley's definition of what marriage is and see what the reaction is. You will probably be able to judge then whether you are dealing with a buyer or a freeloader. If the concept of marriage being a relationship of extraordinary care isn't agreeable to him, you are up the proverbial creek.

What do you do however if your 'my care' doesn't match up with what he considers to be his 'his care'? Listening to today's MB radio increases my confusion about how that all fits in to the subtleties of defining what abuse is. Is resentment born of consistent rejection and being ignored, that makes you withdraw yourself, considered to be using your own reactive rejection as a tool of coercion? Is withholding part of yourself in the hope that it will trigger a change in your partner to get your own needs met a form of abuse itself?

Determining how to proceed when you realize you are living with a freeloader after 40 years of marriage is difficult.

Why don't you email Dr. Harley and ask him about your confusion?

Why? Because I seem to be on Dr Harley's ignore list. I have already posted several emails on related topics that have gone unanswered.

In any case his answer would likely be that the program only works when both partners buy into the concept of extraordinary care and agree on what that care entails. When the program doesn't work he suggests finding an agent who can motivate at least one partner to engage in that care or to move on to Plan B. How is plan B not the ultimate tool of coercion to get your needs met?

Lack of satisfying any of the emotional needs are not actually going to kill you. Some Love Busters such as anger however may. Lack of sex fulfillment will lead to frustration, resentment and eventually bitterness and can to some extent be dealt with via self gratification although that lacks any bonding effect which is really where the fulfillment bit does its magic.

Unlike apparent successes in overcoming other things like affairs and anger I can't actually see any threads on here where concerns expressed over mismatched libidos have come to a good outcome.

I'll just say that I don't understand why you have replied to a thread where the original poster posted twice, nearly 5 years ago, and never came back.

Mature,

Speaking from personal experience implementing portions of the HNHN program, I found that I had to listen my wife on what she has defined as her top 5 emotional needs are, and prioritize them in the order that she sees and come to a mutual (enthusiastic) agreement on it. While there can be a mismatch on these needs, working with a licensed therapist I found to be very helpful both individual ones for me and my wife, and couple's (yes, we have 3). The original poster indicated complicating issues on both sides, Bipolar, and Diabetes, and the medication reducing drive and capability - this would require a multi-pronged approach with both a therapist and medical practitioner in order to address these issues.

I suspect this issue for you might be the 'lack of sex', perhaps start your own thread on it, and examine your contribution as well as your partners to the situation.

Sounds really difficult