<P>Hi Everyone -<P>Well, today is the first day in the past 3 years that I actually had a screaming match with my husband......I still can't believe it.<P>As most of you know he's been whacky - one minute he just wants me out of his life like I never existed and the next he's being all nice to me. He's divorcing me and though he hasn't (and won't, I'm sure!!) waiver in that his latest comment was that our relationship will be so much better and back to the way it was before all this.<P>During the last few weeks, I have been approached and told by strangers and through friends about some of what my H has been doing the last few years...I have been told that the female cop "friend" has been making it known that she gave my H an ultimatum and he took it!! He better darn well have, and she won out over the "wife".....blah,blah....<P>None of this is very surprising to me, I knew that someone "pulled" him out and has been pushing him along...just verified that it was her out of the many!!<P>What is a major concern to me now is that he is hiding his contact with me from her (or whoever!). The last few times I talked with him - he has been very sketchy about when he will come by or call and he keeps saying "I'll have to see" whenever a simple check drop off is due....<P>You might remember my little niece Heidi....well it was her B-Day a couple weekends ago and H never RSVP'd, so when I talked to him - I asked if he was going and he hemmed and hawed about it for a week..finally, the night before the party - I had to call him about a check and a bill that was due and while I had him on the phone I said that I was closing the card that went with Heidi's gift and if he's going to tell me now and I'll put his name and he can pay me half.....He said "Why don't you put me anyway" and I said "Not covering your butt anymore with this family stuff"<BR>He said he was going and to put him on.....I called and told BIL that he was coming and he told Heidi!!!<P>Well, he never showed up....about 2 1/2 Hrs into the party - he called and said he had worked all night....Heidi came to me with a very sad face and told me "Uncle H is not coming like you said he would!" People, I gotta tell you that I saw RED...I was LIVID!! He put a dissappointed face on that angel on her Birthday and if he was in front of me I would have killed him with my bare hands!!!!<P>I have not spoken to him since..<BR>He has not called or come by with the weekly check....until today!!<P>The conversation started off OK - but not for long...Somebody put a bug up his butt about this divorce taking so long and he was all worked up!! He accused me of holding things up (which I am NOT!) and said alot of nasty things....<P>WEll, I don't know what happened to me...I think some blood vessels broke in my head because I just lost it!!!! He was screaming at me to get my act together and decide what I want and this is why we're divorcing (cuz I don't do anything!!) and I cut him off and went into a tirade about the real reasons like his whores and cop buddies and his being an irresponsible child.....How he stole from me and ran from me and how he's gonna do that for his whole pathetic life....I said that he was settling on becoming just like his folks in being selfish and nasty and he would end up as pathetic and uhappy as they were.<P>When he denied being like them - I countered with "then why are they the only people in your old life that you have any sort of contact with?" Cuz they will feed into this crap - and tell you that it's everyone else's fault but yours!!! <P>I said that I was sorry that his little tootsie is so impatient (as well as his folks!) but that really was not my problem....<P>He said that if I was going to get nasty with what I want out of this then he would to...I said that there wasn't anything more he could do to me - he'd done it all!!! He said that I was forcing him to hate me and I said that if what he has shown me the last six years was love and concern....then I just might prefer the HATE!!!!!<P>He said that he would be mailing the checks from now on and I said "see, gotta avoid that now also, huh? getting real good at not facing things aren't you ?"<P>Well, fine Bittney would just love that!!! (Britt is the dog) She knows how much you care about her, too!!<P>He ended up hanging up on me!!<P>UGH!!!!!!<P>After a while of calming down, I phoned his voicemail and left a message....told him I was sorry for losing it and that this whole thing is very upsetting especially when we had not discussed exactly why it is happening...said that he didn't need to be screaming at me and that I felt bad if he was getting pressured...Reminded him that HIS lawyer had said that this divorce would not be until Jan/Feb anyway so why did it become my fault? Reminded him also that when he called a lawyer - he put things in their hands and they were the ones to worry about getting what was fair for us....not me!!<P>I told him that I am not going to turn this nasty and he would be fighting by himself...<P>Told him that I love him and have/will not hurt him....<P>Said a few more things about his coming here and us being adults and then I said " So stop being a Jerk cuz I love you!!"<P>So much for "our relationship being so much better!!"<P>OK - how bad was I and be kind!!<P>Why is he lying to her? How much of this is the pattern of infidelity and the fantasy and how much is much more!! I don't know how to approach anymore....heck, who knows if he is going to even talk to me again.....<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited November 15, 1999).]

sheba, you have held it together so long, but i gotta tell you, we all lose it sometimes (like, i lovebust on the hour, every hour ).<BR>i know it's a terrible platitude, but everything's gonna be ok, ok?<BR>i'd say something more helpful, but i have a nursing/whining baby on me <P>hugs,<BR>lwb

I suspect that behind every man who is in a big hurry to get divorced is an OW with an ultimatum (or at least a lot of nagging). I have freely admitted to my H that I want to slow down the divorce, and he claims that he "can't understand" why I am dragging my feet. I suppose you could consider yourself lucky that your H didn't hang up on you until after you had yelled at him - the minute my H feels anxious that we might possibly disagree he hangs up on me. <P>If you are absolutely sure he will not waver in his goal of getting a divorce, how could lovebusting hurt? I'm not sure I care anymore if I lovebust. I wouldn't care if my H yelled and screamed at me, if only he would look me in the eye while he was doing so.<BR>

Your Husband must fit into the "People who like/want to be separated catagory... Did you read that topic... check it out.. We all blow it on occasion.. Im making a weekly habit of it lately <P>My little 'bunny' just nursed and went to sleep.... <P>cozy

Sheba,<P>Don't beat yourself up too much over the conversation. Sometimes our own needs well up and take precedence over the needs of our H's. You have been so patient and kind to him. Even if he wasn't happy to hear what you had to say, maybe it was time for him to hear some "home truths"!<P>He has obligations to you until you are no longer married. This is such a hard postion to be uin - to tell your H is doing things that are wrong and hurt you, yet to support him at the same time. Very hard balancing act.<P>If nothing else, you have to at least feel good to have purged yourself of all the emotions you have had to keep in check. <P>Who knows about his lying to OW. Also, ditto for twisting thihngs around like you are the one delaying the D. Sounds like he continues to have issues and emotions he can't deal with, and is looking to place that on you as a scapegoat. Also, doesn't sound like he is making a decision here because he is DYING to be with OW, either.<P>My counselor described these situations where reality and logic don't mesh as "temporary insanity" on the part of our H's. Also, some of the books on infidelity say the same thing.<P>I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Just keep venting here. You have soooooo many friends here.<P>We luv ya,<P>Roll Me Away <P>

HEEEEYYYYY Sheba!!!<P>You're human like the rest of us mortals!!!<P>To tell you the truth, I'm not sure that there was anything at all wrong with your finally telling him what's what.<P>And his reaction was pretty predictable, don't ya think????<P>You did ok, ya know? Nothing wrong with it at all. The ole OW ultimatum. Gets 'em in a tizzy all the time!!<P>Hang in there. And don't beat yourself up - AT ALL. It could've been much much worse.<P>Luv ya!<P>Lori

<BR>Oh Sheba,<P>First, I am very sorry for this.<P>Second, I have to say, good for you. You have been the pilar of strength, most amazing strength. You deserve to 'let off some steam'.<P>Don't worry about this too much. We are human after all. There is only so much that a person can take. I would say that your tolerance level is way above average.<P>Remember the advice that you gave Lori about sending those letters? Well... Like you said, maybe this is JUST what he needs.<P>Frankly, I am glas you let him have it a little. IMO, you need nothing but tell him how you felt, and you apologized for it. No harm, no foul.<P>I am the queen of lovebusters, honey. What you did, was simply reach your level. That's all.<P>Take care of yourself. How about some sage? Got any wine?<P>Sending you hugs and prayers.<P>Cheryl

hi sheba, oh my girl! This sounds like it has been building in you quite awhile. You have been plan a'ing for so long, and doing a great job at it under some pretty tough circumstances. Finally, it came out.<BR>Well, don't get yourself too worked up about yelling at him. It is over and done, you followed thru by doing the adult thing, offering the apology first. In my mind it is important how people handle the aftermath, not necessarily what happens in the heat of the moment. I think you did just great sheba!! Pat yourself on the back, you acted honorably.

Gosh, Sheba. I think you handled that situation wonderfully! You know, how much can a person take? I think letting the spouse know how you feel is important, and with what he said and how he acted, how else could you respond?? <P>You did great, and something's just gotta give sometimes. <P>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited November 15, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited November 15, 1999).]

Sheba:<BR>I don't know all of your story, but if you've held it together for 3 years, you're doing great! When I was separated (I didn't know about this place) and I lovebusted every day almost. I think you did the right thing by leaving him that message. I had to do that a few times myself. Even if he tries to hold this against you, he knows he was to blame too and at least you did apologize for losing your temper. If you don't get to feeling better soon, let me know and I'll tell you some of my lovebusters- they're sure to make you laugh!<BR>

Sheba,<BR>I'm not for ranting or being a bitter angry person, but...<P>I know all about being a nice person and how sometimes if you really need to be heard, you gotta get mad. Sometimes people are so used to you being so nice all the time, that it really jars them when you lose it, if you do it infrequently and say what you mean.<P>Even if H was upset with you at the moment and threatened to not to come see you, I bet he reflects on what you said.<P>Did you say anything you did not believe? Did you say anything just to berate H or called him names? If no to both questions, then feel good about it. <P>I know you already apologized, and that's fine, but in the future be careful to only apologize if you say something you didn't mean or only apologize for your tone or your delivery. Don't back down on what you said when you only spoke your mind and you only spoke the truth.<P>I know LoveBusting is a no no. However, when you are terminally nice (I am too) sometimes you have really do have to lose it with some people who mistake your good nature for being a doormat. <P>I'm not saying your H thinks you are a doormat, but I do think he is whack-a-doodle and takes you for granted and takes advantage of you.<P>You go, girl!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba --<P>First, I'm really sorry to hear about a really c**ppy day. <P>Second -- SERVES HIM RIGHT! YOU GO GIRL!<P>Thirdly, you really impressed me in the past with the patience and positive energy angle. At the very least, know that we all blow-up on occassion. Don't beat yourself up. If you didn't blow-up, maybe he'd be worried. It shows H you care about the relationship, even though he apparently doens't at this time.<P>At the very least, think positive of yourself, stand strong, keep you chin up...any more cliches? -- and hang in there!<P>Remember, you're my hero and the hero of a lot of others on this forum.<BR>-- keystone

Sheba, I have to say that I totally agree with FHL-if your too nice a person for too long and suddenly you lose it and blow up it is like lightning striking. At least that's how it was with my H and me. I blew up big and got all his attention in one final night of love busting. I felt pretty terrible afterwards but I think it was worth it! Anyhow, don't feel bad, we can't all be perfect all the time! God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Sheba,<P>You did not lose your temper. You temporarly (sp) misplaced it . To be honest, blowing off a little steam every so often (Every three years in your case) seems the least you can do. You did fine. Actually, the show of emotion may well get to H more than the reasoned approach. Besides you found it again and did apologize.<P>This is an emotional issue and while making a habit of LBing is clearly not good, showing ones anger and frustration occasionally is an honest response to a very dishonest situation.<P>I don't know how you do this.<P>God Bless You.

Thanks Everybody,<P>I felt really bad about losing my temper and the reason for it.<P>This is where what you said comes in FHL!! <P>I think that it was because of what he did to Heidi that pushed me off the ledge!!! I have said many times that if I had kids and had to see them go through all of this - it would make me insane....I was not kidding!!! GOD BLESS each and every one of you who do this with children involved....You have a strength and self-control that I could never even fathom, let alone possess!!<P>Anyway, even though what I told H was true - it was the reason that I was so angry that I did not express!! He knew that I was going to tell BIL that he was going to the party and to top that he told BIL that he would come see Heidi by Wednesday of the following week....He never went!!! So, that's twice that he disappointed this child!!! Intolerable!<P>Then when he started yelling at me, I flashed on the baby's face and out came the fangs and claws!!! <P>So, you see - I said the truth about H, but not why I was really angry.....<P>What ended up coming out of my mouth would have been better stated with some tact and coherence - if only for the fact that his family and therefore he - thrives on arguing!!! <P>I should have yelled about what he did to Heidi....although the whole reason he did it to her is because of the things that I did yell about....<P>I don't know...UGH!! I feel better that I apologized for losing it....not for what I said!! <P>I don't think I will do very well emotionally if he turns nasty with me - I will need you guys (not that I don't now!!) to lean on intensely if that happens......<P>LWB - How nice you are to reach out and make me feel better when you have your hands full with the little one!!! Thank You!!<P>Nellie - Actually I am surprised that he didn't hang up sooner in my tirade!! He has done the same thing as your H with leaving or saying "Gotta Go" when I broach the subject of us or his behavior, let alone me screeching like a banchee!! Maybe shock!! LOL!!<P>He will not waiver in the divorce for two reasons: 1) That stupid "no going back" garbage that alot of them have, and 2) the money spent so far with lawyers!! He could turn around and tell me he loves me tomorrow and he would still go through with it. He doesn't look me in the eye either!!!<P>But it's not over yet, somehow I know that....I have no idea what is to come but I know that something is....so, I wait and see.<P>U2B - You know I read the "separated" thread and my H would definitely fit except that he is divorcing me - even though OW is pushing him too, he's still doing it!! <P>RMA - I hope that some of what I said sinks in...not gonna hold my breath though!!! Obligation? H hasn't felt any obligations to me in 3 years!!! I have a lot more purging to do and maybe someday I will get it all out!! Don't worry cuz it be on national news : <BR>"Mount Sheba" blows and destroys east coast!!! LOL!!<P>He definitely has issues and is completely avoiding emotions and reality. He called me once sounding like he was in a tin can and speaking quietly....at the end of the conversation I heard a toilet flush!! I couldn't believe that he was hiding in the bathroom at her place and sneaking a call to me!! I was amused and disgusted at the same time!! But yet, he follows her lead in leaving and divorcing...I don't get it!!<P>Thanks for the boost and we all need each other here.....WE are what will get each of us through this!!<P>Lostva - Hey Darlin' : so OK , I can lose it too!!! LOL!! What is going on with us? Weather patterns out here on the east coast - you think?<P>CeeCee - LOL!!! I knew that you would say "Good!!" I wish I had some sage - I could use a negative energy cleansing again!! <P>CL - Yes, I am sure that it was a build up and that the Heidi situation was just too much for me....It's one thing to hurt me - I can take it. But to disappoint a little girl like that and not even bat an eye....nope!! Thanks for the boost.....I feel better with the apology.<P>Connor - If anything sunk in, I hope he thinks on it!! He acted horribly - he never could handle being pressured and I really feel that OW and his Parents are behind it. Hmmm...maybe that's part of it also, that he is being pushed around like a ragdoll to some extent and he doesn't even see it!!<P>Kimm - Thanks and welcome to you, I dont think I have conversed with you yet!! Nice to meet you and I would love to hear your lovebuster stories....I LOVE to laugh and there is nothing better to make folks around here feel some relief than laughter!! So - bring 'em on!!! LOL!!<P>FHL - Once again, you get to the heart of what really happens with me...what would I do without you? With my explanation in the beginning of this reply post...do you see where I would feel so upset with myself? When I apologized it was only for losing it (yelling) and not for what was said. He does take me for granted and takes advantage. <P>My SIL says that he and I are best friends and that is why we can be so open and say anything with each other, even now...problem is he forgot the love part of doing this, because that is all tangled up with this OW and himself! She says that he still thinks of himself as my best friend except when issues involving the marriage and what he has done come up....he can't face that, so then he changes into worst enemy to get the emotional distance he needs to carry this out. What do you think?<P>Keystone - Thanks and you had me laughing!!! Those cliches come in handy - don't they? LOL!! I do think that I surprised him by yelling....I very rarely do that and usually not at him. Very out of character for me.<P>Chick's - Thanks for the boost and I hope that he gets something positive out of it.<P>JL - I Misplaced it alright!! LOL!!!<BR>Maybe something so different coming from me will get to him....hard to say, being that he is used to it from his family..time will tell I guess!!<P>I don't know how I do this either!!!!<P>Again, thanks to all of you!! <P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>

Hi twin, letting it out might actually have been positive, at least for you. We can't keep trying to bottle it up forever ya know?<BR>Remind me to tell you about "hurling dishwahswers and cracked ribs" that is lovebusting at its finest. and it wasn't even done in purpose .<P>I understand what you say about the reason why you exploded but that it is linked with how he's being and it goes on a circle, so it was well deserved even if you realise that it could have been said in a different way.<P>I did have to deal with it with children and rememeber how it affected them specially when my daughter (8) was stung by a bee, and kept paging him ( she just wanted to tell him ) and because she was paging from our number he just thought it was me and never answered ( right after telling her that she could page him anytime, because he loved her very much and would answer right away too! ). And yes I also sae red and let him have it the next time he called.<P>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

sorry double post grrrrr.... <p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited November 16, 1999).]

Hi Kat -<P>How've you been Twin? I've been thinking of you and hoping that you've been able to get more sleep...have you?<P>Do tell me about your lovebusting at it's finest!!!!<P>I really don't know how you get through it with kids....I just couldn't do it!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba -- Don't be too hard on yourself. We can only bottle things up so long. Sooner or later we have to release that pressure so that we do not explode.<P>Now that you pressure gauge is back closer to normal, it's time for you to continue on your path. . .<P>Hugs and Prayers my friend.<P>God Bless

I can probibly count on my hands how many times I lost it in life. I remember the first time I lost it was in about 4th grade. Can't remember clearly the next time, but literally years, maybe a decade can pass. The very few who have witnessed me coming unglued would call the event memorable. So I completely understand.<P>Sheba, why don't you think you even mentioned the trigger, Heidi? Don't know if it even matters, but it is interesting.<P>Could it be that only half of the anger was from her disappointment and the other half was because H put you in the middle with her?<P>Another question, have you approached these subjects with him in normal conversation?<P>One more thing, you do know you cannot force anyone to hate you, right? I know you do, but one fit of yelling, when I bet he has been yelling at you for years, and you are forcing him to hate you? Please....<P>Anyway, Sheba, feel empowered by this. Don't get nasty, but don't back down.<P>Where his parents there when he blew Heidi off?<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13