So basically you're telling me that -- once again -- I'M STUCK.<P>This really and truly sucks.<P>You know if my H says no to the separation, then he forces my hand. I will file for divorce and let the judge give the girls to me. (and you KNOW he will)<P>Yeah, he's the innocent party and he's the one getting screwed. Nevermind that I'm totally miserable living with him. I'm trying to offer an option that both can tolerate.<P>BTW, I AM praying. Just not with my H. But I'm in constant pleading mode with God to heal me, to comfort me, to strengthen and guide me.<P>Sorry. I'm a little on edge this morning. I need some coffee.<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited November 18, 1999).]

And another thing I thought of ...<P>If I get a LEGAL separation I could let the judge decide who the girls stay with. Of course I don't know if judges get involved in separations. Guess I'll check into it.<P>

Maya, <P>I hope you had some coffee. Your posts give me the impression I'm bugging the poop out of you. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So basically you're telling me that -- once again -- I'M STUCK. This really and truly sucks.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I know it sucks. I know it's hard. The "right" thing isn't necessarily the easy thing. You know that. I suppose I am trying to get you to look long term. Perhaps more time will heal the wounds. I thought that maybe you still had some committment love left for your husband, but it appears you don't.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I will file for divorce and let the judge give the girls to me. (and you KNOW he will)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If your heart has been hardened against your husband, then do what you must. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>BTW, I AM praying. Just not with my H. But I'm in constant pleading mode with God to heal me, to comfort me, to strengthen and guide me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You know God's feelings on divorce. So you know He wouldn't lead you down that path. I'm praying for you too as I'm sure many others are. What is impossible for man is possible with God. Give this whole issue over to Him. Seek Godly counsel in your decisions. And keep praying. <P>Maya, I will not belabor this issue with you any further. You know my feelings. I know yours. It just hurts to see a sister in Christ in such agony. <P>God bless you Maya. And may God comfort you and guide you in the days a head.<P>SHA

Thanks, SHA. I understand what you're saying. But you're not seeing my side either.<P>I know what God feels about divorce, as well as how he feels about gossip, gluttony, etc etc etc.<P>Perhaps I just am too weak for this test God' giving me. Too weak in faith to pass the test. Does this mean that God's gives up on me? Does this mean that he condemns me and won't look my way again? <P>Absolutely not.<P>If I cannot clear this hurdle and I leave my H, I don't believe for ONE MINUTE that God's gonna forsake me or give up on me or doom me to hell. (and this has been a big step for me)<P>What I have to deal with for the rest of my life is that I failed in a marrige. That I failed in my faith to allow God the time to do this. That I got impatient and took matters into my own hands.<P>I just cannot live like this anymore.

Maya, I've been there. You aren't stuck! Move forward. Make the CHOICE to do one small (it can be very, very little) thing everyday that is DIFFERENT and is POSITIVE for your relationship. The thing that kept me going was that I knew by staying with my husband and working things out that we had the potential for the best relationship we could have. Sure, either one of us could find someone or something else, but we had our history (good and bad) and he was the father of OUR children, and I didn't want to have to share my grandchildren! The best is right there is your own home, just go looking for it!

Maya:<P>I'm going to give you the straight "K" opinion here.<P>Seek immediate treatment for depression.<P>Seek marriage counseling with a highly qualified therapist (LIKE STEVE HARLEY).<P>I will guarantee you that if you did these two things, most of your issues would completely disappear within the year. That your marriage would be healed, and that you wouldn't feel stuck in this pit.<P>Now, give me a good excuse why you can't do these two things, but you can separate from your husband, and you're willing to let a judge decide the fate of your daughters??

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I will file for divorce and let the judge give the girls to me. (and you KNOW he will)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why is it I heard maniacal, almost gleeful laughter when I read this???<P>People... and <B>especially</B> parents... please don’t give any more advice to the most depressed person on this Forum on how to rip her husband’s children away from him. It’s just not right.<P>And Maya... I’m sorry for taking this tack, I really, really am. I like you, very much; I think you know that. But your plans just show me you’re not in your right mind, and you <B>REALLY</B> need help... right now. Going against what you see as God’s will (divorce) in favor of consciously hurting your H even worse than you did a year ago shows me you need to check yourself into a clinic. Today, if possible.<P>I want to see you well, Maya, and what you have planned is not the way to do it. If you go this route, the downward spiral of your depression is just <I>beginning,</I> not ending.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

I AM going to go to a counselor for the depression.<P>I WOULD go to a marriage counselor but WE CAN'T AFFORD STEVE HARLEY.<P>The point is that it wouldn't matter because I don't want to try. I don't want to stay miserable the rest of my life. I will get the depression taken care of ... funny how I felt SOOOOOOOOOO much better the weekend he was GONE ....<BR>

Whodat, WHY is it that we have to only think of my H's feelings? I'm practically suidical in this marriage, but we're STILL having to think of HIM.<P>Crap. I know that's what marriage is about. Thinking of the OTHER person. Well I don't wanna think about the other person. I don't like the other person. I want to live on my own. I cannot live with him.

Maya:<P>A divorce will be much more expensive than Steve Harley 1/week for a year ($3900). If you have such serious financial problems for this, you might be able to discuss it with him.<P>I know you don't want to try. But that doesn't make it OK. My wife didn't want to try when she was in the middle of her affair. But we've recovered. Your situation is no different.<P>Why did you have such a great weekend this weekend with your husband gone?? I seriously think that it's a case of manic depression. I'm not qualified to make that diagnosis, but I saw very similar manic periods with my wife.<P>Get yourself treated before you make decisions that affect your marriage. And if I was in your husband's shoes (and I have been), I'd be torn between trying to help my wife and the marriage, and going after custody of the kids because of your current psychological issues. And trust me---if you feel bad now, getting into a legal battle for custody will make this seem trivial.<P>And there's simply no need to go through a custody battle at this point. Get treated for depression. Do the marriage counseling (I'll even chip in some $$ if you go through Steve).

Maya, I’m actually thinking of <B>you</B> primarily; I don’t know your H.<P>(OK... I really don’t know <I>you</I> either, but you know what I mean... )<P>I <B>know</B> you’re suicidal.. I can “hear” it in your “voice.” That’s why I’m telling you: <B>you can’t wait another month.</B> I would <B>seriously</B> consider checking yourself into a clinic for a couple weeks. Or better yet... go with K’s advice and call Steve Harley <B>NOW.<P>You need help NOW.</B><P>And in that vein...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I WOULD go to a marriage counselor but WE CAN'T AFFORD STEVE HARLEY.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OMG, Maya... this is the flimsiest of excuses. Do you know how much this divorce is going to <B>COST</B> you? Not just the apartment, food, furnishings, etc. but the divorce itself? I can tell you one thing (and not to slam you, but just to show the devotion of a father as well), if you tried to take my kids away from ME, we would go on record as the messiest, nastiest divorce in history. Including, but not limited to, having you <B>committed</B> (which I don’t think would be too hard to do right now, to tell the truth), or even having criminal charges trumped up against you.<P>You are not in your right mind right now. You need to get there before making any life-altering decisions, not only for your H, but for you and your daughters as well.<P><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Raving lunatic ...<P>Perhaps I do need to just leave. My kids OF COURSE would be much better of with the stable HERO. Nevermind that he's never home and they'd be alone all the time. Nevermind that he never laughs with them. Nevermind that they shut him down when he gets his opinionated sermons going.<P>Yeah, you're right. I'm the lunatic here. It's a wonder I got THIS far in life. Guess I'll just go check myself into the nuthouse and get fitted for the straight jacket. At least my H would NOT be around.

Maya:<P>I certainly don’t think of you as a “raving lunatic.” But I <B>do</B> see a very confused, depressed woman, who can be helped, and who needs that help before making these incredible decisions.<P>I hope you realize I’m just trying to help. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Maya,<P>depressed or not depressed, you feel what you feel. True, if the depression lifts, you may feel differently...or you may not.<P>You don't sound confused at all in what you're thinking. It's just that you might not feel so strongly about your options, if you weren't depressed.<P>Perhaps even a week-end away, would relieve some of the pressure you're feeling. Are you in counseling? Are you on any anti-depressant medication? These are personal decisions that only you can make.<P>I respect your right to feel the way you do. I do not think you sound crazy at all. You just sound overwhelmed. You are very unhappy and don't see a way out. That is a horrible way to have to live. If divorce is the only way that you see to resolve your problem, it is your right to make that decision. I don't know your story, so I can only hope that you have explored all the alternatives.<P>But, you sound like a smart woman, and I know you won't act hastily. Take care of yourself Maya, you're important too!<P>Good luck!<P>~skye<p>[This message has been edited by skye (edited November 18, 1999).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can only hope that you have explored all the alternitives.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That’s what I see as the problem: Not only hasn’t Maya explored all the alternatives, she hasn’t explored <B>any</B> of them. That’s why, IMO, she needs to put this separation thing on the back burner until she tries out other options first. Of course, there’s that firstborn thing getting in the way... <P>And Maya... remember... no matter how nonsensical your plans are, there will <B>always</B> be someone who will agree with them if you wait long enough. (um... ~Skye... that’s not to say that your agreement was nonsensical, just that at this point, I believe Maya’s plans are.) <P>Good thoughts to you always, Maya... no matter <B>what</B> you decide to do. <P><BR>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited November 18, 1999).]

Maya<BR>Have you considered a religious retreat by yourself? I'm sure you probably have. It's something I have considered often.<BR>Just for the weekend for a start. If you could go somewhere quiet, peaceful, close to God and think and pray alone it might help.

Maya,<P>Take a deep breath! We all LOVE you!<P>What I think everyone is trying to say to you is this: Your depression and anger are coming across loud and clear. This is NOT the time to be making CRITICAL decisions that can have such an everlasting impact on you, your girls or your H. <P>I don't think anyone is here to judge you personally. No one is trying to force you to do anything you don't want. But, all the folks here who LOVE and CARE about you do want you to see that you are too emotionally overwrought to be making such plans and decisions! They are just too important, and should be made with a CLEAR head - not clouded by depression, hopelessness and anger.<P>The depression and severe hopelessness you are expressing can be addressed through medication. It comes across very loudly that you still harbor ALOT of anger towards your H. Maybe this is part of why you 2 got in this situation. I do not know. But, I will tell you that anger means FEELING CONNECTED to a person. If you really had no feelings for your H, you would be over the severe anger towards him. I think you and he still have unfinished business between you two. Does that mean you both will get to a state of "happily ever after"? I don't know. No one does know what the future may hold.<P>No one would rag you if you feel like you have given it your all and are ready to move on - IF this decision was made with a clear head. Well, and I say this with friendship and concern for you - at this particular moment, your head is NOT CLEAR!<P>Please go back and re-read these posts. Look at how many of your dear friends have taken the time to read what you have written. Read the love and concern that everyone is expressing for you, your welfare and situation and those girls whom you love so much. <P>If nothing else, it HAS to warm your heart and comfort your soul that SO MANY people CARE about you and your welfare!!!!!<P>Please call the doc today about the anti-depressants!! Please put off the critical decision making until a lter, more calm time in yur life...<P>Roll Me Away<BR>