Hello my dear and wonderful friends,<P>As the subject title suggests, I am departing. I have only one reason for this decision, and it is the most obvious one, I think. I don't want to be married anymore, hence the subtraction of the word <B>builder</B> in my marriage vocabulary.<P>There are some things I'd like to say, to clarify my situation, and maybe to bring some comfort...<P>Here I go with the "gospel" according to Sheryl:<P>Although Harley's principals work very well for some (possibly most) they are not the end-all truth for all. Total Honesty is a principle I have lived by in my day to day life, always has been. However, in the past year, I have found that total honesty, especially when talking about my adultery and my H's, has been a <B>mistake</B> of huge proportion. I'm going to be blunt now, and it may offend some, so be prepared... <B>nobody</B> needs to know the size of the OM's penis or OW's nipples, yet these are the kinds of questions that the betrayed ask and expect to get an answer to. In my very humble opinion, these are questions that can destroy to the very core of your spouse. And they are lose/lose types of questions. There is no way to make a penis or nipples larger, for example, and no matter what the betrayer says about "emotional needs" the betrayed will feel they can never live up to the "other things" - and they can't!! So, I think that words should be chosen very carefully, the basic facts should be shared (how long did it last, did you sleep with him/her, did you love him/her) but leave the details out. Again, my opinion.<P>The betrayed is already dead to the core. It is asking nearly the impossible to impliment Plan A. Here your spouse is, in the midst of an affair, and you, the betrayed, is asked to "love them back" into the marriage. Yes, in the strongest of cases, (and that includes some of you here, god love you) the betrayed can pull themselves up and ignore their needs to woo the betrayer back, but I have to ask, "at what cost?". There are such things as self-respect and self-esteem, and not to sound too new-agey, but "loving" at the expense of your self-worth is not really a marriage at all. I know there are some very strong souls that have done this and had it work, and have marriages stronger than before. God, if I could come and give you a big hug and help you write a chapter to a book on how to do it, I would. You are saints above all mankind. But you are the exception, I think. <P>And the saddest thing of all is this: some marriages will not be saved, no matter what you do. I would never expect anyone to "hang on" through some of the crap and mire that many of you wade through. I won't name names but, dear ones, advising someone to hang on through emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. If a spouse refuses to stop the affair, is abusing the other (in any way!), or does NOT want to work on the marriage AT ALL, then I think that it's time to face reality and end the misery. I hate divorce. I hate it with a passion. And don't get me wrong, I believe in fighting for what is morally and legally right. But when it is, again, at the expense of your self, then I say these words we all dread, "LET GO". I believe that God has bigger and better plans for you than to spend your days in turmoil and pain. <P>And for the more positive: THIS MESSAGE BOARD SAVED MY LIFE. I am sure that many of you will agree. There is a kinship here that can't be beat!! I am merely a name on a message board to many of you, and to some I believe I am a friend. These relationships that have been forged are as true and pure as any other on earth. I do not want to lose any of you because of what I've said here. I hope that we can keep in touch. Truly, I love many of you MORE than the "friends" with faces.<P>I do not want to hurt anyone with my words. I respect any and all who desire to build their marriages, I just can't any longer. My situation is certainly far better than some here, mainly because my H and I are friendly to each other (at least for the most part), have loved each other for 20 years, and sadly, because we have both betrayed (don't try this at home folks!). We have a unique understanding that should have bade us well, I think. But instead it killed us, physcially and emotionally. <P>I will check back over the course of the next few days, and if GOD WILLING something happens that brings my H and I back together, I will be back. Honestly, dear ones, I don't see it happening. <P>I wish each and every one of you a lovely and peaceful holiday season filled with the kindness, love, and the heartfelt kisses of your spouses. <P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

NB, I am sorry to see you go but you must do what you think is right for you. I agree with you on alot of things. I too feel that I can no longer work on my marriage, but not for the same reasons as you. We all must face a time when we have to make decisions like this. I am sorry that you feel you must leave, I think that you should lurk here and post when the urge hits you. You have said you have made many friends here, and I know that they will want to stay in touch with you, as would others. Please check in and let us know how you are doing. I for one will miss you. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

hi nb, read my rsponse to trublu. I think we were posting at the same time.<BR>I absolutely agree that no one needs all the details. I am in conflict with Harely here...but only to a point. The focus needs to be on the goal, not on the past events that brought us here. <BR>The way this reply is now set up, I have to go back to the oringial thread! Sorry, my brain is mush from the party at debs last night. And.....I need a stinkin heater-it is snowing!

Okay, re-read and am back. Losing oneself in the process of saving a marriage will not work in the long run. I believe that some can put the marraige and the spouse first and implement plan a. But there is a point where SELF has to be reckoned with. This is the issue with boundaries. <BR>We have talked some on boundaries in the past. What is my limit, how far am I willing to go to help this marriage? How far am I willing to go to help my spouse? What will I tolerate, and what is just plain too much?! <BR>To have healthy boundaries I think you need to know yourself before you can even think about repairing a damaged marriage. <BR>I was lucky in some ways...a few months after discovery while still in the angry/hateful/depressed phase, my h went overseas for a few months for work. This was hard because I had to give him trust that he certainly had not earned at that point. It also increased my dependence on my great friends at mb! But at the same time, it gave me a chance to find myself, make some decisions void of h's pressure and expectations. It let me stand back, be critical, be passionate about what is important. It let me see my SELF.<BR>Similar to a separation with minimal contact? <BR>NB, I am explaining this because perhaps it would help your situation? Do you think that a few months apart would stabilize your marriage? Let you really see where you and h are?

new_beginning -- Sheryl, I have not been around much for the past week. I came this morning to check up on the friends I have here, and the post which jumps out at me is yours. . .<P>I am truly sorry that you have reached this point in your marriage. I know how much it hurts you to have to say and feel the things you are. I for one, consider you to be a friend of mine here at MB and will miss your presence very much. I hope that you will come back once in a while to check up on those of us who have known you.<P>You and I have talked via E-Mail a few times . . . I pray that even if you don't come to this board very often, that you will keep in touch individually.<P>I pray that God will give you the peace you need in your life, and the strength to move forward.<P>I will miss you Sheryl.<P>God Bless

~Sheryl,<P>{{{{{{{{{{~Sheryl}}}}}}}}}<P>The honesty of your opinions were so impressive to me. God help you down whatever journey you take...<P>Heal... <P>Jim

Sheryl, Although many will miss you here( I for one) I totally understand where you are coming from. Although I am one of those rare individuals who for some strange reason has been able to understand what caused my H to have the affair and have been able to get my marriage back on track without losing my self respect and pride. I knew that what he was doing was not what he wanted and that he really got caught up in something he wasn't expecting. I agree with you that there are friends of ours on the board who just need to let go. I myself would not have hung on forever. Life is way to short and everyone deserves someone who will love them. <BR>I'm so sorry that your marriage didn't survive. I'm glad though that you have come to some semblence of peace and unserstanding about it. <BR>I wish for you only happiness in the future. You deserve it.<P>Love,<P>Jill

Sheryl,<P>All I can say is that I will miss you very much! Best of luck to you in the future - EACH and EVERY person deserves happiness and peace in life....<P>Desiree

Thank you all who've replied so far... I do feel loved here...<P>As an addendum to my original post, I'd like to add this:<P>My husband is normally, under different circumstances, a wonderful, moral, giving man. He has worked very hard for his family, and has shown great devotion over the years. <P>Living without him will prove to be the most difficult thing I have ever endured, as is evidenced by the already painful times we have had over the last six months or so. I would say this situation has been more painful than my son's disabilities, my mother's cancer, and my cancer scare. <P>I consider my marriage to have been my saving grace for many years. I will always love my husband. I think he will always love me, at least he has said so. There is no hate here, no regrets: except of course the measures we took to get each other's attention, namely the affairs. <P>I don't want anyone to go away with the idea that my H is anything less than a good husband, a good father, a good man. <P>It is my prayer that he and I can continue a close relationship for the rest of our lives. Maybe, just maybe, we can find each other again one day and be a couple. That would be nice. But if not, there are no bad feelings here. I just wanted you all to know that.<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!! <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 20, 1999).]

Dear Sheryl,<P>I will miss you. I consider you to be a true 'faceless' friend'. <P>You have heard my crys for help, and came arunnin'. You have helped so many people here. You are wonderful.<P>As cl said, I think that a seperation is exactly what you and your h need. I am not saying that all will be well w/ your marriage, but time is a GREAT healer.<P>Your post gave me goosebumps. I read it, and re-read it. You are so right about taking care of yourself and your self respect. <P>I truly wish you much happiness. You deserve it. Please check in everyo once in a while and let us know how you are, OK?<P>God reveals His plan to us, when He is ready.<P>God bless you,<P>Cheryl<P>PS. you can e-mail me if you would like. I'd love to hear from you.<BR>cc7315@yahoo.com

Sheryl,<P>Take care and find the joy in your new journey. I've been at MB for about a year now and have seen many come and go. These faceless people really do remain in your heart and thoughts. <P>I was over the pain, over the depression but just couldn't let go of the anger at my betrayer and all infidels in general. I was close to screwing up my new relationship as I saw him as a potential infidel. <P>Your many posts helped me understand the pain of infidels unrelated to withdrawal. I don't think I ever saw you wishing for phone calls, making excuses and staying in your marriage for martyr like reasons. You just tried with such obvious honesty.<P>The 'Gospel According to Sheryl' makes a ton of sense. <P>Thanks for your words ... I'll miss them.<P>Add InShock to your friend list.

NB,<P>I respect & admire you for doing what is right for you, even though it will be very hard.<P>I totally agree with you, in that we cannot attempt to save our marriages at the expense of ourselves. When I read some of Harley's writings about infidelity, I thought he said that there were situations that warranted immediately resorting to Plan B & those included abuse (both physical & emotional). He categorized a continued affair as emotional abuse. He also advised that total separation is always risky. So, with this in mind, I beleive that an attempt at a Plan A (under these circumstances) should be done at the discretion of the betrayed. Everyone has a different tolerance level, & once the betrayed begin to feel their self-esteem/respect eroding, then Plan B should be implemented without hesitation. While in Plan B, I also think that a target date should be set, so that if the situation does not improve, a decision should be made at that point by the betrayed (if the betrayer is still sitting on the fence.) That way they feel like they have some control over their life, & the limbo state will not last indefinitely. <P>And yes, gory details are not necessary & will only cause more pain.<P>And, yes again, in that not all marriages will survive a catastrophe like this.<P>You will be sorely missed. Please check back in once in awhile & let us know how you are doing.<P>Good Luck & God Bless You,<P>Sidney

NB,<P>Please Explain?<P>---------------------------------------------<BR>Total Honesty is a principle I have lived by in my day to day life, always has been. <BR>---------------------------------------------<P><BR>How does this fit in with your actions? You slept with another man without your H's knowledge and still profess Total Honesty?<BR>

Thanks everyone for replying. <P>I was going to wait until Monday to pull this up for the weekday people, but dj's question needed attention:<P>dj,<P>It is precisely <B>because</B> I have always been so honest that this entire affair went against everything I've ever believed, and caused such untold guilt and shame that I could barely function. I agree with you that the basic premise of infidelity is dishonest. I will say that in the three months of the affair I was not "myself" and was indeed dishonest. However, my H did not have to drag the truth out of me, I gave it willingly. Not happily, mind you. The counselor, my friends, my family, and even my H all agree that the reason that I became SO ILL was because it went against everything I've always believed. <P>Thank you for allowing me to clarify. I wish you well in recovery of your marriage. <P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Sheryl,<P>You are absolutely right. Some things are un-winnable. I will say this though, while these approaches may not save your marriage, I know we can both agree that they saved US. I too, am headed for a divorce and am still friendly with Terri (not the one here), the kids are gonna make it because of what I've learned here. She gets no credit for the initiation of friendliness. That's where I have gotten my strength; everything in moderation (including these concepts and this board). Don't get me wrong, I am giving credit where credit is due. In my case I have struggled thru this relationship and marriage trying to prevent this from happening... it happened anyway. The danger of loving (and hoping to change) a "chonically unhappy", depressed woman. That's a whole 'nother story. Best of luck to you, I know how you feel. Oh, and by the way, dj, get a clue!<P>Eric32

Sheryl,<P>I like many others hate to see you go. It is my hope that you and your H find the happiness that you seek. It is my fondest hope that by some miracle that you two find each other within that happiness. Good Luck to you and you future endeavors.<P>God Bless You and Your Family

Hey Sheryl!<P>I noticed you changed your signature! Sign of things to come!<BR>I like your new one though! I am glad you received good news on your health, please start taking care of you! <BR>So sorry for you, but hope all things work out to the best .... whatever that will be~<BR>Do let us know from time to time how you are!<BR>Take Care/God Bless<P>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Hi Sheryl,<P>I'm so new here, but your words have helped so much.<BR>I agree with all that you said in your farewell post. It is something I will consider in a few months - what is my cut off point ??<BR>I'm so glad that you are remaining friends with your H - I for one think it is so much nicer, happier and healthier if we can do that. At the moment I HATE my H with a passion, but believe it or not, I don't think he realises that. That's because I try so hard to accept my hatred for what it is, it is the anger of the moment, it is not really hatred.<BR>We are remaining 'friendly' throughout this mess, because I believe our 2 little daughters deserve that.<BR>I'm glad you and your H feel that way also.<P>Please take care of you, I will never forget your name 'new beginning'<P>Jo<P>ps<P>My h's OW's surname is MOON. In your little ditty at the bottom, could we change it to 'shoot the moon, and then you'll be amongst stars !!! " Sure would make me feel better.<BR>(until the police came!!)

nb,<P>Gee its sad that we may never see you again in here...your talents and insights have helped so many...its so sad that we all are in here in the first place, but thank God for this place that we all can express and hear others too...Perhaps when things are happier for you, you will visit and post again... <P>Maybe its just as well we dont know whats in our futures...who knows... the deep love you and your H have for each other is maybe what will carry you thru some painful times and keeps the spark of hope for a better tomorrow, that brings tidings that we sometimes could never imagine could happen...<P>No relationship is ever over, only temporarily busy with other learning...<P><BR>Take care ....good luck...and many blessings<P>cossie<BR><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Hi Sheryl,<P>Me checking in as well...haven't been here in over a week. I too will be sad to see you go. I've enjoyed your insights and have learned.<P>I almost hate to say it but I agree with what you say. You do make sense. There comes a time when it hurts too much to keep banging one's head against the wall. Yes, and too much honesty can hurt.<P>You're right, not all marriages can be saved, not all marriages should be saved. But who knows when it's time to give up? I guess none of us do until we finally reach it. And, I believe it's such a personal decision that no one can judge for someone else.<P>I say all of this even though I'm definitely one who keeps pushing people on the Forum to stay and work. During most of my stay in this group I've felt I could serve a role as someone who has "made" it. Suse and I are living proof that a broken marriage can be fixed.<P>We were very lucky. Things could have been different. We almost split twice, at minimum. But with that luck and a lot of tenacity and stubborness, we made it. And, we both grew along the way. But, it took a long, long time.<P>Anyways, I don't mean at all to be preachy. You've fought a good fight, Sheryl. I admire you alot as a person. I hope you find joy and contentedness in your life. Whatever decisions you believe best.<P>Peace.<P>DMac<BR>