Katya,<BR>Yes, I'm feeling better. actually, its kind of a myth that adults don't get strep throat. In fact, adults just tend to ignore and naturally recuperate from strep. (Remember Jim Hansen, his was a very extreme form). In the meantime us adults pass it on to the kids who tend to get more severe symptoms. Us adults these days are lousey about illnesses. Probably because we live in a society that views illness as a character defect not a result of viruses and germs, Just look how people reacted to HIV. It still is treated as a social and character issue. Anyway, I've also got other throat probs which will hopefully be resolved soon after I get my tonsiles removed.<BR>For the record, my wife didn't go away on me. that was amutual decision.The kids espec my daughter lookforward way to much to seeing their old friends. And by having them out of the house I had a chance to truly rest. Never fear if I had been unable to function ill my wife wouldn'ty have gone.<BR>As for not saying, I love you. I guess it was a matter of not feling it and well some resntment feelings about the sex issue. <BR>Re: the NY law, I probably exaggerated it but it was basically a result of the homeless situation but more in reaction to a murder/abuse case where a boy with mental issues had not been taking his medication, he basically used that as his defense and was to prevent that kind of tradgedy. actually, its being contested by social and mental health workers. Re; civil rights. will have to ask Hillary espec. now that Bill wants a national picture database on all of us too <BR>Re; parents as teachers a big tangent but values and morals can be emulated but not "taught" Think of all those words, was it the words you grew up to respect from your parents or their behavior? Meanwhile, teachers teach words and ideas. <BR>Yes, I'm a teacher of a sort...we'll leave the details to the privacy of cyberspace <BR>Be careful of Kirshimurti there's a lot to his story than meets the eye. the truth is he's one of the first media made spiritualists. Try the Tao Te Ching and oh course the Song of Songs, best sex manual ever made!!Read it closely with your imagination and you'll see what I mean.

Kam:<BR>Yes, you only really hear about children having strep throat. As far as Jim Hansen, I thought he died of AIDs.?? Yes, for awhile people will treat AIDS as a social and character issue until something else comes along, another disease, that will take the place of AIDS. Just like cancer was. When it was first heard, everyone went paranoid. <BR>Out of curiosity, why do you say be careful of Kirshurmirti? Are you thinking about the right spiritualist and not the other one (now, I momentarily forgot the name,) where his followers shave their heads and preach his philosophy? Oh, yes, HareKirshner's. I pretty much like some of the stuff that Kirshurmirti writes or rather wrote (he's dead now). I will try to read the Tao Te Ching but you know, I always have a problem when I read stuff like that because they have a zillion Indian/chinese (which ever you are reading at the time) in referencing them in the books and I never know who they are talking about. Especially the Indian religions. Wow, some of those names. Well, I'll give it a try.....

Dear Thoughtful:<BR>You said about counseling over the phone. How good is that? I really don't know because I never had counseling over the phone or even if both of us wanted to do it. Is it a three-way phone that he uses for counseling (tlaking to each of us)? Also, I will check out the website for sexaddicts tonight and see what that's all about. I am not against mast. either, but like you, unless its used with porn like my husband did with the voyeurism on the web. That really got to me. That pretty much angered me to no end. I will ask him every now and then if he still goes and looks that up, but he says he doesn't not after hurting me like that. He says that made him feel really stupid after I found that and even worse when he saw me crying.

Hi,<BR>I took out a membership a few weeks ago, and then got very busy with work etc. and forgot to come back. I was interested in your problem because in many ways it parallels mine. <BR>I have done a fair amount of research on masturbation/pornography and offer the following. Masturbation is not about sex or intimacy. It is about escaping what one feels, and yes, it can be an addiction just as reading, TV, alcohol, gambling and many other things can be, including work. At some point in your husbands life he discovered that while, and immediately after masturbating, he changed his feelings from whatever it was he didn't care to feel, and secondly, that he experienced a kind of aura or trance in which he felt as if he is floating and disconnected from any other feelings. It was enjoyable, and as he repeated it, he learned how to increase the pleasure... Just as in alcohol or drug abuse, the greater the excesses in masturbation, the more need for stimulation to bring about less pleasure, hence the pornography. Some pornography feeds feelings of self loathing.<BR>I have known of men that were able to engage in masturbation, and still have intimate relationships however, I would suggest that these men held the masturbation well in check. Excessive masturbation is about SELF as opposed to tender, give and take lovemaking, which is about SHARING in my opinion. I am not suggesting there is never a time for masturbation, but I would not have a very optimistic outlook about a loving future in a relationship when one partner is obsessed with SELF PLEASURE or escape.<BR>I agree with previous writers that someone so predisposed should seek help from Sexaholics Anonymous, but the reality is they seldom see their behavior as addictive or destructive.<BR>Don't beat yourself up with his addiction.. you didn't cause it, and you can't cure it..Your description of his history with his first wife suggests it is a LONG standing problem. The pornography is NOT competition. It is to the sex addict what alcohol is to the alcoholic, just a means to an end.. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he loathed the images, but at the same time they do assist him in getting himself aroused. It may also be that excessive self manipulation has desensitized him so much he cannot become aroused without it... <BR>This probably hasn't helped, but I hope at least that you quit looking for things you can do to change him. You can't... The only person or behavior you can change is your own.

Dear Lilwater:<BR>Thank you for your response. Your post to me was a very interesting one and makes a heck of alot of sense. I think your right that because of the mast., and for so long, that he has become desensed. That is so true, because when we met and up until 2 years ago, he could not get aroused unless he was stimulated by touch or mouth, either way. I know what you said and it's not my fault. It's really easy to blame oneself, but, you are definetly right. He came into this marriage with a sex problem. But I don't know exactly what that sex problem is. Your right again, for the fact that years ago, he never thought he had a problem. 2 years without having sex speaks for itself. sorry I didn't answer you sooner. Both of my children have had the flu and I have a major cold also. Thanks for the encouragement and your knowledge.

Just saying hi for now don't have much time but will write soon, I'm doing fine,talk to you later, hope things are fine with you also, bye.

I can relate to the no sex thing ... its been 2 months for me now ... before that it was 3 months ... the man does not like sex period and acts like it is such a damn chore. He too came into this marriage with a sex problem that I WILL NEVER know what it was - he doesn't talk ... will NOT counsel ... doesn't think he HAS a problem. VERY frustrating.

Dear Tuf2lose:<BR>What a nice surprise to hear from you. I wondered what happenned to you. I did try to e-mail you and it didn't go through. Did you change your e-mail? I was wondering how things were going with you. Write soon and let me know. Thanks for dropping me a line.

Hi all,<P>First, I want to say that contrary to what lilwater said about someone predisposed (to addictive mast. behaviors) "the reality is they seldom see their behavior as addictive or destructive", people with this problem do often see their behavior as addictive and destructive. It might be after their spouses sees it as addictive, but nevertheless they see it eventually many many times. Get into contact with an accredited SA (sexual addiction) counselor and you will hear that many many people are seeking help for this problem.<P>The first step is to find a competent counselor to talk with. The best I and my H have ever found is Doug Weiss (his website is <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com</A> ). He can help the person with the problem and the partner and family of the person with the problem. Weiss has many self-help resources on his website in addition to doing one on one or couple counseling by phone or at his clinic in TX.<P>Second, I would not recommend first seeking out one of the sex addiction 12 step groups. A counselor can help much more at the beginning than any support group can in most instances.<P>Hope this helps. Hey Katya, did you get my email? Hope to hear from you again. I got busy and finally found your email. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner.<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful<BR>

Hi how are you doing, Me well i have good days and bad my wife is giong to move out for six months and see how she feels. We are going to keep our son at the same daycare, and my wife and i are going 50/50 with him one week each at a time. it will be best for him this way. I hope to see another marriage doc when we are apart, this may build love units again (i hope so) I,m not sure what is giong to happen but i hope for the best, i feel stronger again and i do believe in my wife, but for now she must go to find what she already has i just hope she finds her way back. Well i have to run again hope to talk to you soon. take care for now and hang in there yourself bye for now Joe.

Dear Tuf2lose:<BR>Sorry to hear about your marriage. I was hoping that it wouldn't go that way for you, but it has. Well, you just never know. I am glad though that you are doing better. You even sound better and not so very depressed. Well, again, you know where to find me if you need to talk to someone....did I tellyou that I emailed you, but, it wasn't the right email?

Well the letter came from her lawyer today, about a seperation agreement, what a load of crap i hate lawyers, but i guess i'll have to go find the best damn lawyer out ther now.<BR>No one wins but i sure as hell won't lose, i built a home for my family and i won't lose it, my son needs a home and this will be it! i still hope things work out, i still may even love her but all i see is red, i hate what she is tring to prove, but if she must, then that is what has to be for now yhat i will give her but i don,t have to like it.<BR>I have given and tried to give but it is not enough maybe when she is out on her own she will come to find out what she once had, some one that always cared and love, may not have always been right but did always care. She will move out the same weekend of my birthday that will hurt (nov 8 66) but our son's is just a little way from that nov.17/98 i won't want any one around that weekend, not sure who will have him yet but if i am alone i can always find peice in southern comfort. Well on a happier note i bought my son a new pick up truck a full size chev extened cab v8 enginge, safier for him to ride in he loves to ride in it, he's a daddy's boy and always will be. I have become stronger, i even started to look for a new job (well over due 12yrs at old one)I will become all i can be. I find strengh in friends like you, it's nice to be able to talk without judgement. I will overcome the odds one way or the other, i feel i have become the engine and my wife can become a part of it or she can become a box car but i will always lead! Well i won't ramble on any more how are things with your husband i have not had the time to read other letter's that you have posted but i will when i get time, i really hope things improve for you , you seem so nice. Well i give my email again maybe i did not have it right joseph.ballett@sympatico.ca it should work hope to hear from you soon your friend Joe.

Dear Katya:<P> Well, one good turn deserves another! You have helped me out and now I hope I can help you. I do believe your husband has a sexual fetish, a very strong one! For some reason he only finds it pleasurable to have manual or oral stimulation. Makes me wonder if it is the female body that turns him off.<BR>You would not believe how many latent homosexuals are married! I could be dead wrong, and I sure hope I am, but think it would be worth checking out. It could be he just has this strong fetish for masturbation.<BR>I think you would need to see a sex-therapist,because most marriage-counselors would not know how to deal with this. As for having to do all of the repairs,have you tried the 'honey, I don't know how to do this, can you help?' routine out on him yet? My H comes from a very poor family who were not neat at all. It rubbed off on him. My family was also lower income, but we took alot of pride in the way things looked. His clutter still drives me crazy! I agree with you about staying with him due to the children's ages. Try to hang in there, get a lover,at least until the kids are in school. Good luck to you!<BR>hugs,<BR>MOONWOLF<BR>*SOME WOMEN FAKE ORGASM BECAUSE SOME MEN FAKE<BR>FOREPLAY

Dear Moonwolf:<BR>That's kind of you to post on mine since I was on yours. Anyway, yes I do agree that my H has some kind of a fetish and I don't know if that is the word. I will be checking into the sex therapist because I also agree that it's there where he needs to go. As far as chores. I cannot possibly say: "Honey, can you help be pick up this trash that's sitting right here in front of your face because I don't know how"...or "Honey, I don't know how to do the dishes, can you do them for me?". The chores is a constant thing in which I don't even say anything anymore. Funny thing is, he ran out of underwear the otherday and said something to me. I said, so, what do you want me to do? He said, well can you wash this pair for me since you are doing wash? I said no, I already did 3 loads and am not doing laundry besides, I said, there in the close is a basket full of YOUR clothes. (I specifically took our everything but his clothes). Well guess what it's still sitting there...oh well....

Katya<BR>That man has not come around yet hes a fool. Im am starting to look for a place to live so i dont have to stay in the same house as my W ends our life toghter. I still love her and always will but I cant heal liveing in the same house. Her best frend called me last night and told me not to give up on her. But I think I have to. I wish I could be stornger but thats not the way I am. I can fight any man but when it comes to her Im lost.It just the money It will cost me 2,500,00 to get the lawer and thats not her lawer in all about 6,000.00 bucks to and our marriage money we could spend on our kids I cant see this. I so sorry that things are not any better for you I have not seen Jeffox here In a long time I hope things got better for him .Thank for all your help I will keep comeing her till its all over hang in there.<BR>Steve1234

Dear Steve1234:<BR>I am so sorry to hear that...that's sad. Even when it's over with you need someone to talk to so please don't go away. That is when you are really going to need support. If you ever feel like talking you can e-mail me anytime...ocwbooks@home.com . You have a friend in me....P.S. thanks for reading my post. Yeah, don't you have his email? I thought I posted once and thought it wold be a good idea for the both of you to exchange emails? Yes, I hope he is alright. I know, even I, go through rough periods where even the marriage builders just isn't enough at that particular time. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care. P.S. Let me know how things are going....

Dear Katya,<BR>After reading some of your posts and learning more of your situation and devotion to your marriage, I am awed. Just when I think there are no more women who know what the word committment means, there you are. From what I have read, I congratulate you and your continued efforts that you are making towards your marriage. I am sorry about your not having sex in the last 2 years. I missed it (sorry) if you said how your sex life was at the start of your relationship. It must have been good or you would not have married him. Was there a specific event that changed this? I know what guys say. The joke is that after the wedding, their wifes say, "I never REALLY liked doing that anyway." Just kidding. It does not sound like this is the case with you. Your husband does not know how lucky he is. After my marriage, sex frequency dropped off but was still not bad (a couple of times a week). Then, after the baby was born, it was down to a couple of times a month. I have been very patient about this but now she has left and am down to nothing. All I can say about the situation with your husband is talk to him about it. He will probably be reluctant to at first because of embarresment over his behavior. Be persistent. Soon he will appreciate the wife that he has and I think things will improve for you. He does not know what he has. Hopefully soon he will.

Dear Nugiance:<BR>Thank you for such a lovely compliment. If only my husband thought of me in the same way you do, we would be in good shape. Your so very kind. I have tried everything. I certainly talked to him every chance I've had. I don't know if you have read my latest post from 2 weeks ago, but, he had an affair. If you read my post, you will understand what I did or for me, had to do. Now, we are going to counseling. I am trying on my end still. I will continue trying as long as he says he wants me and the marriage. I don't feel that things should change just because you get married. Marriage is suppose to be a very long term committment. Hell, I waited till I was 34 years old to get married. I have been engaged 3 other times but didn't feel it was right for me, so I got out of them. I thought I finally found the one...now, I have to keep trying since we have two small children that need both parents to have a healthy environment to grow in...family oriented activities and just your basic things that a family does...eat dinner all together, read together, outings, movies...all together. I am very family oriented. For me, it's ashame that people in marriages give up so easily. it's not so hard to communicate. If each of the partners gave 110% committment into the marriage, the marriage would have no choice but to work. Afterall, when two people marry each other for better or for worse, they have taken those vows and have promised God that they would do those things. Somehow along the line, they have lied to the other partner and to God and have not kept their end of the bargain. It's such ashame that you and I and the rest of us have to go on this forum and talk to other people about something we should be working on with our partners, but, then again, where are our partners? As far as sex, I have always liked sex, but, he came into this marriage from his previous marriage with a problem in the sex department. After my children were born, I will admit that I did not want sex as frequently, less freequently, but..not that it's been so long, I miss it. I can go back in time as if we started dating and go through the whole ritual of kissing, making love, doing the things we did when we first met. Again, my husband doesn't feel that way. I really don't understand why a piece of paper changes so many people. Why marriage changes so many people to a different perosn. Yes, we grow as people, but do not have to change our attitude towards our partners. ahhhh, committment..many of our partners should really look the word up and learn what it really means. Just out of curiosity, why did you pick the nickname....?

Dear Katya,<BR>Sorry to hear about the affair and also that I did not read your post about it. My admiration for your efforts just keeps growing! Nothing much has changed in my situation as I have not seen or talked to my wife for a few days. About the nickname. All I can say is it's one of those things that somehow gets pinned on you. It has it's origins in the Mic Mac indian language. That's all I can say...

Dear Nugiance:<BR>Wow, that's pretty interesting about your nickname. Thanks for the compliment...at least someone admires me...hee,hee,hee...Keep in touch, you know where to find me, onhow things are going with you...Your friend, Katya