Don't know if this is the right place to post this...<P>I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking for quite a while now. I used to pray for God to open my H's eye's, for Him to make my H see what I see, to understand. To help my H seek help for things that *I* saw as problems. But what about "free will". If my H has his own feelings on what is a comfortable lifestyle for him, why would God take away his free will? My H just wants to lead life the way he wants to lead it, if that includes drinking or whatever, that's his choice, and he does have the right to choose for himself doesn't he?... I want to life my life in a way that feels comfortable and secure to me, I have the right to choose for myself too don't I?<P>So maybe God has helped me step back a little and see things from a different perspective. It still hurts, it seems that living life the way I want to conflicts with H living life the way it seems that he wants to... I don't know for sure because we both have so much pent up that we can't have a civil discussion about it... my fault as much as his.<P>I guess I'm writing here today, asking for prayers too, because I filed for divorce today. H and I are both paralyzed, we seem to be in an unending state of limbo, that is just not good for either of us, and especially not for our daughter. Part of me feels selfish... you know... why can't I just live with this, just be happy? But that just goes against my grain somehow, just doesn't feel right, I just haven't been able to settle in and find a comfortable spot in this lifestyle... the discomfort eventully comes out as sadness or anger... that's not good for any of us either.<P>The hardest part is that I still love my H very much, I want him to be happy, I want to be happy too though, and we just can't seem to find a way to be happy together?<P>I am so sorry. This has just gone on for so long. I fought it obsessively for so long that I didn't even realize how much of what my H has been saying is true, how we've grown apart, how you can't change someone else, and how this really isn't just about the drinking, more about lifestyle choices. <P>I just want to be a healthy and stable Mom for my daughter. I haven't been able to be the kind of Mom I want to be while half me is always on this emotional roller coaster. Not blaming anyone but myself here, I just don't have the fortitude continue living this way. H has told me before that my needs are not realistic, maybe they aren't but I just can't seem to change them, somehow that just seems to be part of who I am.<P>Thanks for listening, just a bad day I guess and I needed to talk. H reads here too, that's why I don't post much anymore. I hope he can see that I do want us both to be happy, I just don't know what else to do? Sometimes love just isn't enough I guess. But I do love him, and know that I always will.<P>Please pray for us, and especially for our daughter.<P>Thanks

yy,<P>I don't know if this will help but I will try. I understand where you are at. It is so tough being in limbo so long. It is discouraging when you don't seem to be making any headway.<BR>Do you believe in Jesus. God says to seek Him first. He wants you to know Him and who he is. He wants a relationship with you, He wants you to forget about the marriage for the moment and work on loving Him. Read your Bible and pray. The Power of a Praying Wife is an excellent book and another forum on this sight. If you can get the book and read it and start praying. You can't change your husband, but you can change you. Yes your husband has free will, but God has a mysterious way of working and he can transform your husband's will to his. If in the end your husband remains stubborn and refuses to turn around then God may cut him off. However, the main thing is you right now. God will come and take the place of your husband while he works his will out for your lives. The main thing is to get the focus off the marriage and your husband and get the focus on God and you. Seek Him with all your heart. Read some of the threads in the Bible study forum. There are some dedicated praying wives who will be happy to encourage you. YY it is a tough road we travel but when Jesus is by your side then everything is possible and nothing is impossibe. "Love the Lord you God with all your heart, soul and mind." Take heart, God has not deserted you. He is waiting at the door of your heart and knocking. He waits there for you to open the door. His way is perfect and He loves you. Run into His arms and let Him console you. I will pray for you.<P>Father, take yy in your arms tonight and show her your love. Gently instruct her and increase her faith in you. Help her unbelief and cause her to seek you with all her heart. Work in her husband's heart Lord. You can change him because with you nothing is impossible. Give yy peace and give her a song in her heart for you. Thank you Jesus for being in this. All for God's glory and in your will. Amen<p>[This message has been edited by hw (edited January 21, 2000).]

yy,<BR>God does allow "free will". He wants you to choose Him, and to live your life for Him, but will not force you to do so. Your husband has chosen a life of sin. The "wages of sin are death". This is the path your husband has CHOSEN for himself of his own free will. If you could set aside some time to talk to your pastor about this subject, it may help clarify things for you. God wants you to choose Him, yy. Your only have two choices - live your life for Him and serve Him, or live your life for Satan and serve Satan. You are God's child and he loves you.<P>God's word also says "You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve" (Matthew 4:10). Serve him and he will fill your heart with joy. <P>How is your relationship with the Lord? What is the condition of your heart and soul? Ask yourself these questions and listen for God to give you the answers. He loves you yy, and wants you to enjoy life and be happy. If you are not serving the Lord, your prayers may be hindered. Proverbs 28:9 says "One who turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be an abomination." As hw, said, focus on Jesus. He will guide you.<P>God bless you yy. If you need a special prayer those of us on the Women's Bible Study will be happy to pray for you and with you.

I apologize for posting here the other day, guess I was feeling sorry for myself and a little lost.<P>I was just going to delete this thread, but I didn't want that action to be misinterpreted... especially by my H if he's watching.<P>HW and AW, I respect and appreciate you beliefs, and I thank you for responding and including me in your prayers. <P>I believe very strongly in God, more now than at any other point in my life... just not in the same way you folks do. I don't believe that God would ever cast my Husband away. God is with him just as much as he is with any one of us. I believe that God wants for us what we want for ourselves, I thinks he helps us see how the choices we sometimes make are contrary to becoming who we know we want to be deep inside. I don't believe that I am right and my H is wrong. I believe that the things I feel and need are what is right for me and that the things he feels he wants and needs are what's right for him... somewhere in all of that we just have differences that clash too painfully and too often. I don't believe I am any better or worse than him, we are all equal in God's eyes, he loves us all the same. <P>I certainly don't believe that my H is a sinner or that he's chosen a life of sin. I am not going to pray for God to "open his eyes" or "change his will". God gave each of us the right to our own will. We just have to decide what we want out of life and make choices consistent with those desires. We also have to respect that just as God does not control our will, nor should we try to impose on the will of another. But we can certainly still love each other while respecting our differences.<P>