In a nutshell, I am married (for 3 years) with 4 step children, ages 12,13,14,15. My husband has custody, and up until the time that we got married, his ex was not a piotal part of the children's lives. My husband lived with his parents and sister, and the women took care of the children. Once we got married, I took care of the children and him, but lately the mother is playing a larger role in the children's lives. I think this is great, and I encourage it as much as I can. My husband is so distraught by this that now he refuses to have much of anything to do with any of us. The mother and I work everything out about the children. This was going o.k. for a while, but now, I am getting the "you're not my mom, I don't have to do anything you say" treatment. I don't want to be their mom. I just want to be the best step mom I can be. I have swallowed a lot of things over the past couple of years because I think that everyone getting along is the best interest of the kids. When anything goes wrong though, I am the one everybody comes to to put it back together. I feel blessed in one way and very burdened in another. I worry that I will fall short in the job that I feel God has called me to do. I gave up on the idea of having my own kids, so that I could love someone else's kids. I don't regret that. What I would like to know is, "Does is ever get any easier?" Will there be one day down the road when even just one of these kids will know what it is that I tried to do for them? I guess no one can really answer my question, I am just sounding off a little. Sometimes it's nice to just have someone listen. Thanks.

I just replied to your reply and went back to the postings, wondering if this was you. I wanted to tell you that when I was 4 years old, my mom died and her youngest sister took care of us until I was about 13 years old and she kind of felt the way you did and I remember her even saying to us, "Will any of you even remember what I've done for you one day?" And I had an older sister and two younger brothers. I have to say that all of us are really close to her now, even more so than my father. Even though she got married and left after so many years of taking care of us, we see her as a mother figure in our life. My dad re-married years later, but no one ever came close to filling our mom's shoes as she did. I think your stepchildren will see you as a very important part of their life growing up. Memories are what makes children feel secure and whole, I think. You seem to always be there for them and they're not going to forget that in the long run. I will pray for you, too.

Thanks, I needed that. You also helped me answer another question I have been struggling with. You're 100% right. These children will be my primary concern, even if they don't ever understand, because that is the right thing to do. If I do it begrudgingly, then I have cost myself a blessing. Keep praying, it's the most important thing we have! Take care of you...

I read both of your replys and I can't believe how much I look forward to hearing from you! You are so uplifting and your spiritual direction is just what I needed. The story about the girl and her mother is truly an example for me to follow. Also, my brother's wife comes from a divorced family and she constantly tells me about how bad her childhood was, but I constantly remind her of how wonderful her mother is and I think I will pass this story on to her. Her mother is a very tolerant person when people are rude to her as well and my sister-in-law sees that as a bad thing. I see her mother as such a wonderful caring person, and to convey that to her is difficult sometimes.<P>Anyway, I'll definitely pass on the story to her. As for me, I really need to remember the bottom line, as you said, God will judge me on my reactions to this woman, as well as her actions to me. It's funny that I am just getting this message because I just called a friend for advice and ended up chickening out of asking her anything because I usually don't like other people to know our problems. I really needed some good advice.<P>My husband and I had a talk this weekend and he finally agreed that he should've defended me and that he doesn't know why he didn't. When I mentioned the other situations that I told you about where he didn't defend me to my sister and such, he just sat there and listened for a while and didn't say anything. Then after a while he said, "I know this sounds lame, but the only reason I don't go barking at people in your defense is because I am never quick enough with my words and I don't like confrontation." This was something that I kind of already knew, but I told him how uncaring it makes him seem. He and I jump to my daughter's defense any time that she tells us of someone bothering her at school and I feel that if he can do that for her, he should be able to for me, too.<P>In any case, I told him that I didn't expect him to try and get her fired or anything, I just wanted him to ask her why she's spreading these rumors about your wife --after all, the rumors reflect his character, too. It makes him look like he's having an affair. He said that he was going to have a talk with her at the end of the day, today. This morning, the more I thought about it, I kept feeling like it was just as much my beef as it was his and I really wanted to talk to her as well. I feel like I will have no peace with this unless I confront her, too. Now, I'm not so sure because I know that I may end up being rude to her and telling her off.<P>I do think I have it in me to make peace with this woman, but I don't know -- this may sound selfish, but I almost would like to tell her off just because of all the underhanded things that she has done to me, and she's done some really, really bad stuff. But since you've reminded me that God will be judging my actions as well, I see her more as a person and not my enemy and think it is possible to actually be nice to her and question her behavior in a non-threatening way. My biggest fear is that she will use my kindness as a form of manipulation.<P>The very first time I met her was at a company social and even though I had my suspicions about her I was very kind to her and open to a friendship if that could be possible. There is something to be said for the expression "killing with kindness." But even as nice as I was to her, she turned around and told people that I was jealous of her. I definitely think I should confront her but I really need to pray about what to say. Please pray for me, today.

It is my lunch hour, but I was compelled to check on you. I have said a prayer for enlightenment in your life. I think it is wonderful that you and your husband were able to sit down and discuss some of the things that are bothering you. Keep that line of communication open. It will be very important in the future. If you do decide to confront this woman, I hope everything goes well for you, but don't expect too much from it. You may not get any satisfaction from her at all, but if you feel strongly about talking to her, then you should probably try. I do hope that you will have some resolution to this situation. Remember, though, the important issue here is the health and happiness of you and your husband. She is just a sidenote. Don't give her too much credit. You're in my thoughts. May the Lord be your guide...<P>P.S. - Ask the Lord for his advice. Friends are good, but rarely have the insight we need! After all they are only human and we are all ruled by the same emotions!

I don't think you were compelled for any old reason to check on me, I think you are my Angel on the Internet! I just prayed this morning and in the shower and just a few minutes ago about what to say to this woman and I wrote a few notes down so that I would not go blank when I get there. My husband agrees that this is necessary, also. I probably won't get any satisfaction out of it, but his plan is that he wants to take over a different position that is available and he would not have to work with this woman anymore -- that doesn't solve everything, but it's a step in the right direction. We feel that we should do everything that we can to resolve this on our part and if she has no intention of doing that, that will only encourage the position change when he brings it up with the managment. She also has several professional complaints on her knowledge and expertise and speed in this job, so it will not just be based on problems she has with us. My husband really doesn't want her to lose her job and this would be the one viable answer that we may have. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for praying for me, I really feel the Lord with me today.<P>Talk to you soon.

Everything went well, I was calm and as polite as I could be. She denied everything, but we could see right through her and kind of expected this of her. I calmy said, "Let me tell you why I have a hard time believing this..." and I explained that I know about all of the other stuff that she's done. She continued to deny it and try to blame it on people making up stories, but we know the people who told us very well. My husband will go back and talk to them again and he will pursue the other position as well. I don't feel any great reward in doing this, but I do feel reassured that she will not continue this. I tried to end it as amicably as possible and said that I was willing to sweep this all under the carpet and start with a clean slate if she was willing to do the same. She said that she would like that and went on and on about how she would really like to be my friend. I don't want to think the worst of her, but I also don't want to dismiss my common sense. I can't forget all of the evil things she's done, but I can defensively approach a civil relationship, but nothing further. I think she's on the same page. She did give her self away at one point, she became a little beligerent when I said that I had a hard time believing her and she said, "Well you're not going to trick me into saying that I did it, if that's what you think." I just said, "I have no reason to trick you, I'm not the one coming her in deceit." She didn't say anything to that and we kind of tried to stress the importance of her and my husband having a good working relationship.<P>Anyway, thanks so much for checking on me and for your prayers and support. I won't forget it.

Wonderful! I cannot tell you how glad I am to hear how this has progressed. It is wonderful that you and your husband worked together to get this accomplished and that he was able to support you when you needed it most. It sounds as if you handled the situation magnificantly! You have some peace of mind now in knowing that you addressed a situation that was bringing you heartache, but more importantly, you have the peace of mind of knowing that even though this woman presented herself as a foe, you treated her with the respect you would give a friend. I hope you feel very good about everything now. This may not end the entire story, but it certainly has ended this chapter. And to your credit, you deprived her of the satisfaction of "getting to you." It sounds like things might be coming full circle now. I am very glad that I happened upon your posting when I did. It makes me feel good to think that I might have helped someone else out. So many times in this life chances are missed to make a difference, even a very small one, and that chance can never be gotten back. Another one may come along at another time, but one small blessing was missed by not taking just a minute to listen to a fellow man. It amazes me, that as many people as there are in the world, there are still so many people lonely. This should never be. At any rate, I hope tomorrow is better for you than today, and the day after even better. Keep that positive attitude that you have right now, and remember how good you are feeling about yourself right now, and carry that feeling with. Remember that with God all things, not just some, but all things are possible. Those are not just words, they are a way of life. Remember too that you have at least one friend who doesn't know who you are, or where you are, but would just like to know that you are happy. When you get right down to it, we all fall asleep under the same stars and we all serve the same God. That kind of makes us all alike in many ways. May peace lay over your household tonight and for nights to come, and may God watch over you and yours. Keep in touch......

You truly are my angel over the internet, you are such a source of inspiration for me. I am so thankful that God has sent you to me to not only guide me through this "crisis" but to unharden my heart towards the anger I was feeling about everything. This situation has been going on for about five months and most of the time we try to sweep it under the rug and try to make peace with each other so that we don't fight in front of the kids. But everytime we did that it would just snowball into a bigger fight for the next time and the next time. I'm really glad to have somewhat resolved it, or at least faced it. Like you said it will probably never completely be over with, but my husband and I are talking to each other with same love and respect and admiration that we had always had before this mess. That was the most important issue to resolve and I think it is. It's almost a little scary that everything has turned around so well, but I'm relying on my faith in God for that.<P>This morning my husband asked me if I had any advice on how to talk to her at the office today and I felt so reassured that he was actually asking me because it's like we're back to being a "team" again. We discussed how she may be feeling and since we pretty much know that she was flat out lying yesterday, we thought about what she must be going through. We considered that she may be psychotic and what would be the worst that she could do. We decided that he should extend our openess to anything she has to say or anything that she would like to clear the air about. After all, we put her on the spot and so we should make ourselves available to hear anything that she would like to clear with us. Also, I thought this would give her the opportunity to come clean. I think it did help because my husband called a little while ago and said things were going better than he expected and she's treating him with respect and following orders. Before he left for his meetings he told her that we talked and were open to hearing anything that she would like to say if anything's bothering her. He said she started to tear up a little and just apologized a lot (my husband always has this effect on people, I'm the bad guy and he's the good guy, even my kids go running to him when I discipline them --that's a whole other prayer circle!). I don't think coming clean is on her agenda at this point, but I definitely think it's ended a chapter as you said. I will continue to pray for her.<P>Generally I always do try to present myself in a nice way because I'm very self-conscious, but when someone offends me I don't think that I often take time to consider my actions. You made me realize that my reactions to someone's offenses are just as accountable to God as theirs are. A lot of times I think of it in terms of who's right and who's wrong. Thank you for helping me realize that. I'm not proud to say that I have a lot to ask God to forgive me for, now that I'm looking back at my actions.<P>You were absolutely right when you said that the devil will do anything to bring us to our demise and it's up to us to CHOOSE not to let that happen. At one point when all of this fighting was going on, and my husband and I were trying to resolve this, I mentioned to him that a few times when I was in church praying feverishly about this... I had gotten this nagging feeling that I never had before. It was like someone was bothering me while I was trying to pray, like a distraction or something. I can get distracted sometimes when I'm at home and especially with the kids, but never have felt this way in church. I told my husband that this fighting and arguing is the worst that we've ever done and I truly feel that the devil is tempting us. He said that he'd been getting these dreams that were always the same... about a dog viciously attacking and killing a bird. He said that when he would wake up he would feel the presence of evil. It scared me a little, but made me realize the power of the devil and how we as simple mortals require such a strong faith to resist him.<P>He said that since he had started this job, because of the high-profile position he is in, he has felt pride and conceit a few times and it scared him. I know that this is so unlike him, when we first started dating I remember that he would not keep a mirror in his room because it would tempt veiness. I thought it was silly, but he said that he knows the power of the devil and that it wasn't silly. Looking back on it now, I find it so true. He will probably continue to struggle with this job and all I can do is pray and support him. I'm so glad the fighting seems to be really over this time.<P>Anyway, I have a fairly good typing speed and can type almost faster than I can talk so I end up writing way too much and all I really want to convey is that I'm so appreciative of your help and spiritual inspiration in my life. I hope that we can keep in touch always. I feel a little selfish since I was going through this little "crisis" we've been mostly focusing on me and I would really like to help you in any way that I can. I do pray for you, but beings that you are such a strong and intelligent woman, I'm not sure that I could ever pass on the wisdom that you've given me. But if you even just want to vent what's been going on lately or something, please do so. It would give me great pleasure to help you the way you've helped me.<P>Talk to you soon.

You have helped me, more than you can know. You have made me feel useful. That is not something I feel very often. I guess God knew what we both needed, but then, looking back over my life, he always has. I am so glad that in your last message, everything seemed to take the tone of "we". You first posting was more of an "I" theme. Your husband sounds like a very good man. You are lucky to have each other, I think. When I first logged onto this sight, I was simply interested in what it was like. A friend of mine has used this sight to help get some impartial advice on a situation that has occured in her life. I can see now why I was led here. It's funny, but you are the only person who ever replied to my posting. Then again, I guess you were the only one who was meant to. At any rate, without getting too philosophical, I would just like to tell you that I have been touched by this whole experience. The fact that two people, hundreds of miles apart, not knowing the first thing about each other, could come together to help each other get through difficult times in their lives, is amazing. But then, I guess that is how God intended it to be all along. One person helping another. God bless! Talk to you soon....

I agree, it is amazing how we connected and how God works through us. God has always answered my prayers and I have to remember that when I am feeling low. I think these past few months I haven't been listening, even though I was praying, I really wasn't hearing Him because I got distracted. I think your strength and your faith gave me the boost I needed. In fact when I was nervous about talking to this woman, I kept saying the 'Our Father' to calm myself, but what really helped was when I imagined you and two other friends of mine, all of us holding hands praying. It gave me strength and made me feel the presence of God.<P>Remember when you said that this probably isn't over, but at least it ends a chapter? I agree. I think it is time for my husband and I to focus on our marriage rather than the problems this woman has caused us. She was really only the surface of our problems and the issues we had before were just exasterbated when she came into our lives. I was reminding my husband last night of when we used to bicker when we first got married. My sister used to always tell us to stop fighting and we would laugh and say we're not fighting, we're just bickering. I told him that I thought it was really healthy to our marriage when we used to bicker because at least we could talk about everything openly with some extent of humor about it. Nothing ever festered with us or turned into a major situation because we would nip it in the bud.<P>Somehow we have to get that back and my husband agrees, but I feel like I'm always in the driver's seat of this marriage and I have to make the effort to make that happen. I have tried to talk about everything that's bothered me before and a lot of times he would say, "Gosh do we have to talk about 'so-and-so' again?" When I mentioned that to him, he said that sometimes it's just exhausting but that he will try to be more open.<P>If I be honest with myself, I think a lot of this is my fault that we can't get to the point of bickering and having humilty and pride about our marriage. Originally when I wrote my message, I titled it 'Snowball of Resentment' because that's truly how I feel, that I have let so much fester that I can't find my way back. And the reason why I think it's my fault is because I think even though I say that I forgive him for the things he's done to encourage this woman's behavior and the things he hasn't done to put an end to it, I think honestly I haven't forgiven him for it. I think saying it and praying about it is one thing, but when it keeps popping up in my mind and I still feel resentment about it, then how can I think that I have really forgiven him. I read a couple different parables in the Bible that helped me feel strong about the benefit of forgiving him. Why then does it keep popping up in my mind? Is it the devil tempting me? Is any amount of talking ever going to dissolve my resentments? I really have trouble with this.<P>I will try to talk to him again, tonight and maybe the "we effort" or "team effort" as you said will help me. It's good to hear that my problems are not a burden to you, rather a source of need for you. It's good to know that there's no strings attatched. Usually I always try to make sure that I am not the one always taking from a friendship and that I am doing some giving as well. But you don't make feel selfish, you just give of yourself so generously and that's why I think your stepchildren feel comfortable in coming to you to fix their problems. Thank you, as always. Talk to you soon...

I was looking through my bible at lunch trying to determine how many times forgiveness was mentioned. I was hoping for some inspiration on some passages that might help shed some light on this situation. To my disappointment, nothing seemed to leap out at me, except for the fact that everything we do, see, think, feel, or have the opportunity to experience in life is due to God's forgiveness towards us. It is, without a doubt, one of the most difficult of the emotions to deal with, I think. I struggle with it myself. It is our very nature to want to protect ourselves from that which can bring us pain. We like to say that we forgive people who have wronged us, but when we look deep inside ourselves, I wonder how many of us truly do forgive each other. I also think that it is possible to forgive someone for something, yet never forget the impact it had on us. I am a sexual abuse survivor, and I use the term survivor with great pride. This is not something that many people know about me, not because I am ashamed, but rather because there is simply no benefit in revealing this information. I use it as an example for this; I believe in my heart that I have forgiven this person, but to say that I could ever forget it, or any of the consequences it has caused me over my lifetime, would be a bold face lie. I will not ever forget it. For many years, the anger that I experienced, then bottled up, became my source of fuel. I lost myself for a long time, but praise God, he never gave up on me. For many years I struggled with the "why me" question, and was actully angry with God. Then one day it came to me. It was because God needed me to be sensitive, thoughtful, kind and generous to fulfill the job he had laid out for me. Had I never experienced some of the depths of anger and depression I did, I could never have understood the things I needed to (This is not to say that I think I am done growing. Not by a long shot!). The point to all this is that, that which was meant to destroy me, made me who I am, and don't think that I don't thank God for this. That sounds kind of weird I guess, but what I spent alot of time crying "why me" over, I am now able to say "thank God it was me!" The flip side to that is that the human side of our heart still has the tendency to want to protect itself. I believe that the devil uses our minds, when we allow him to, to counteract the progress our heart makes, i.e. the heart may forgive someone, but the memory of what happened causes us pain. The devil brings these memories back to us so that we question whether or not we have truly forgiven. This keeps us in turmoil, which is what he likes. What I am trying to say in 1,000 words or less is that your heart probably has forgiven your husband for the times he has hurt you. The devil would like for you to think that you have not, therefore he plays on your senses and brings these memories of hurtful things into the front of your mind to try and stop any progress you might be making toward a resolution. Be strong, your heart is rarely wrong. It sounds like your husband is willing to try to work on some things that are bothering you. This is a blessing few women seem to have! Listen to him, he may have some good ideas on things that might help you guys "get back" to where you were before. From what I hear, you have a very strong marriage, it just sounds like ole sneaky himself is trying to reak havoc. I doubt that you guys will ever be back to exactly what you had before, because I think people change. What was right then, may not be right now. People grow as individuals, and as couples. You have been through a very bad experience, one that may have been an attempt to pull you and your husband apart, and this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up. My experience has been that the devil rarely wastes time on people he doesn't have to try and break. In short, people who don't put up a fight just aren't worth it to him. There's no glory in pulling down someone who comes willingly. But you have come through this thing together, you and your husband, you may not be unchanged in some ways, but that doesn't mean a lot. Who doesn't change, almost daily even. Put this thing into perspective. Analyze it and determine what information you have gained from it and use that information to make yourselves and each other better, happier people. Then, when you think you have got it figured out, hold on tight because you can be sure that another trial is just around the bend. Pastor says that with each trial God allows to come our way, he is fine-tuning us. We are kind of like plants, we grow then we sort of stop. This is when God prunes us. It may not be pleasant, sometimes it even downright hurts, but in the end it is what we need to begin growing again. Remember, nothing comes into our lives without first passing through God's hands. Well, it's almost time for church, so I will head out. Take care of you and yours! God bless us all!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for the pain you've endured, but I have to say I expected there to be some kind of sorrow in your life to have made you such a strong woman. My husband also went through a very miserable time in his life and he's told me that it's the main reason why he is so religious now. Still, I am just beside myself to think how much pain you must've endured. It's remarkable that you can thank God for this experience, but I definitely see your point that it happened for a reason.<P>I guess I can see a lot that's happened in my life has happened for a reason and I definitely am thankful that I went through those things to know better or to have learned from them. I don't think I would've caught on to this woman's scheming if it had not been for the experiences that I went through.<P>One day I hope that I can look back at this and laugh and chalk it up to a learning experience, but since I am still right in the middle of it, I am having trouble with it. Also, like you said, it probably won't ever be really over with, at least until we move or something. But it seems like something new and more devastating everyday. But the rumor thing, to me, was the worst and since I addressed that I can try to feel some closure about it.<P>I guess because my husband is dealing with her on a daily basis and we have no choice but to have her in our lives, I am faced with the resentments everyday and can't seem to forget them. You really hit home with me when you said that about forgiving and but never forgetting. I was taught in Bible school when I was little that you were not truly forgiving someone unless you could forget, too. I've always disagreed to that and thought that if you choose to ignore a wrong that was done to you it was like choosing to be ignorant or stupid. It is a learning experience for sure, but how we carry it with us is probably what matters.<P>Not to compare in any way the awful experience you went through, but I think if this person was nearby or still involved in your life it might be a little harder to close such a wound that he left in your heart. I'm not saying that I want to run from this town and all it's problems, but it just seems too overwhelming for me to deal with. Like, life goes on in this town and my husband still has to go to work and deal with her whether we like it or not. I'll still have thoughts in the back of my mind when I have to go to a social, whether this or that person has heard something about me. Today, I met my husband for lunch and when I was dropping him back off at the office we were talking in the car and when I was mentioning that there was a dire need for more communication between us, somehow I ended up crying a little because my husband was apologizing for things that had continued for way too long -- I had to bury my face in between the seats and clean myself up because I was scared that someone would see and make something of it.<P>And then petty things like that, the fact that I have to hide my tears and the fact that I have to defend myself from these rumors, the fact that I have to worry about the wrath of this woman, all of these petty things I end up blaming on my husband because of things he did and didn't do to protect me. So, honestly I can't say I forgive him. I don't know how to. I'm trying really hard to think what would make it better. Maybe if we set boundaries or limits as to what is proper and inproper behavior at work so that I don't have to be the wife-police when he comes home. Sometimes I think that's what bothers me. Like when he gave her our phone # incase she had any questions and she started calling all of the time, he eventually had her calls blocked (we have caller ID and her number would show up as 'Anonymous')instead of telling her bluntly not to call him at home. It left her to maybe believe that I was the jealous wife who had her calls blocked. Little things like that add up to be one huge irritation with me. I know, I sound immature and unreasonable, I don't know why I can't let these things go.<P>My husband's sister is married to a guy who is in the same exact profession as my husband and she passed off some of her experiences to us, which scared me. She said that on his very first day when she went to meet him for lunch or something, one of the assistants walked up to her and said, "You know he's going to have an affair, don't you?" It was so callous and direct, like there's nothing you can do about it. I choose to believe that we CAN survive this, but I do feel like running away from my problems and this small town since so much damage has been done here.<P>I know I don't sound like I gained anything from your advice, I really did, I think I'm just too busy wallowing in self pity. But the bottom line is that I have to find a way to forgive him or else MY sins won't be forgiven and God knows I've done some bad things. Thanks for the encouragement.<P>I'll let you know how it goes. Apparently this woman wasn't as nice today from what he told me at lunch and she was really hostile. I almost don't want to hear it, because I don't want her to be our focus anymore, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug and have to deal with it later.<P>I'm going to go try and re-read the parable of the master who gives his land to his servants to take care of while he's gone. I need to be reminded that these petty things are really tiny, tiny things to be forgiven in the big picture of life.<P>God bless, I hope church goes well tonight.

Oh dear, you are giving this woman so much power over you! Who cares what people think about you? The people who don't know you are the ones that will be "talking" about the rumors they have heard. Get out, socialize, let people get to know the real you and people will begin to judge you on what they know instead of what they have heard. Don't lower yourself to this woman's level! God will give you exactly as much strength as you need to face this situation. You know that running is no good. There is always something waiting around the bend, if not here in this town, then the next. Life finds us wherever we are. Don't let her drive you away. You are just being tormented by this situation and I am so sorry. Please find that inner <BR>strength that you have and make it plain that this situation will not get the best of you. <BR>For the record, I do think that this difficult time you are going through will come to an end, without you and your husband having to move. I did not think that the confrontation you had with this woman would end it. She may even get more determined for a little while, thus showing signs of hostility. But I think that eventually, one of two things will happen; she will see the destructiveness of what she is doing and she will repent and ask forgivess, or, more likely, she will simply get bored with you and your husband if she sees that she is making no progress, and she will move on to her next "victim." Either way, you will be the winner. But you have to have faith and hold on. God won't allow this thing to drag on any longer than what you can stand. Don't be afraid to show your feelings. You've done nothing, you should not have to hide anything. The ability to cry is one of God's greatest gifts to us. So many times a good cry makes everything o.k.! <BR>I am very sorry that I don't feel like talking to you longer. Apparently, I must be doing something right because not long after I posted last night, I started getting very sick. I actually had to leave church early last night. I was off work today because my fever was a little too high; I was afraid I would make everyone at work sick. Appartently I have the flu; only the second time in my life! We must be doing something right, you and I, cause I figure the devil would leave us alone if we weren't. Anyway, I feel pretty lousy, so I think I will go back to bed! Hope today was good for you, and I hope tomorrow will be even better. Hang in there, for this too shall pass! Talk to you tomorrow!<P>P.S. - My "situation" lasted about 10 years, and I talk to this person once or twice a week. He went through conseling years ago to try and determine what had made him do the things he had. I was lucky enough to be able to tell him that I forgave him. I wanted him to be released from his guilt, for although I did not know it at the time, he had his own wounds he carried that had never healed. We are both different people now, but with time, we have managed to repair our relationship. We are both better off for doing this. I don't know that there will ever come a time when I feel released from the memories, but I think that is the devil's way of trying to make me hate him. I always end our conversations with "I love you." I mean it, that is my triumph! <P>

I'm sorry I didn't get to write last night, I fell asleep putting the kids to bed. I hope you are feeling much better today. I've had the flu about five times this winter! I think I will start getting the flu shot. The last time I had it, the kids had it, too and that's the worst when you have to take care of them while you're feeling so lousy. I hope you're much better today, you're so thoughtful to think of me even when you're sick.<P>I re-read my posting and then yours, 'cause sometimes when I read your postings, it's like hearing my conscious talk to me. It's like I know what I should be doing but I don't listen to myself, maybe that's why God sent you to me... as my strength or something.<P>I didn't mean to sound as if I was running away, though, I know that's absolutely wrong. In fact, my sister-in-law and my one friend are the only ones who I've confided in, other than you, and both of them have noticed that we'd been having a lot of problems since we moved here and both of them keep suggesting that we should move closer to home and at least I will have friends and family around me. And I've always told them that that's not the answer, because my husband could have a psychotic assitant there, too. I know I'd have my circle of friends and all, but since we've moved around a lot, for the most part my husband and I are were each other's sole supporter. We call each other our best friend, and originally that's what we were before we got married. Everyone says that friendships are the best start for a good relationship and I really believe that.<P>We've been married for almost nine years and lived in five different states in this country and running from this town would be a first. Looking back, I'm very proud of the way we've leaned on each other and coped with problems. I guess partly that's what has bothered me since we moved here. We always have stress when we move (it's supposed to be the #2 biggest stress in life, next to death) and this time was even worse because we had a house built and there were tons of problems. But this time instead of leaning on me, my husband was telling this woman all of our problems and I would wait and wait for him to come home at night so I could tell him what changes happened that day and so forth. I was really aching to lean on him and I couldn't. I felt alone, and on top of that, I told you that he has the one chore of taking out the trash, right? Well, really all the stresses 'we' were having, I was left to deal with. I had to deal with the contractor, the sub-contractors, the lawyers, the bank, all the minutia that came with the house, moving, insurance, the kids' schools & activities, every thing. My husband is going to be in serious trouble if I die one day, and I don't mean emotionally!!! But that's not my point, I just completely felt overwhelmed and for the first time I didn't have my husband and my best friend to lean on. And what was worse was that he was confiding our problems (that I was left to deal with) in this person instead of talking to me, and for someone with his personality who doesn't easily socialize, it made me feel unworthy or no longer useful as a friend or spouse.<P>In a way, I feel like I am getting a taste of my own medicine because the last place that we lived, my oldest daughter started school and I started meeting other parents and making friends. I went to soccer practices, swimming lessons, the whole nine yards and my husband was not used me and the kids not revolving around him. I still took him lunch every day at work and did all of the things I had done before. And I even dragged the kids out and took him dinner every time when he had to work late, I never neglected him. But once or twice when I was out somewhere with the kids and he'd come home early and have to wait for me, he'd get kind of ticked off at me that I was not there. This is one of the reasons why he does not want me to go back to school, because he can't stand it when I'm not there.<P>One time when my oldest daughter was only a year old, I took her over to the neighbor's house who's daughter was also a year old and my neighbor's husband was in my husband's class at the graduate school he was attending... Well, I came home about two hours later and apparently he only had a half a day of school and he was furious 'cause he didn't know where I was. He was so angry when I got home, I felt like I was back living at home with my dad, I was almost scared of him. After I collected myself, I told him that I had mentioned that I was going to the neighbors' earlier and that he needs to pay more attention to me even if he is busy with school. He said that I probably forgot to tell him because I was so busy trying to make new friends in that town, like it was a bad thing. After that, everywhere that we moved I really didn't get too close with any friends knowing how posessive he is and that it bothers him. But I could only handle that for so long especially when I had no family around to help with babysitting or anything. I made really good friends with a mom of a classmate of my daughter's and she and I traded off helping each other with our kids, and my husband really didn't like it but he got used to it after a while. But I always felt like he was mad at me inside for being such good friends with someone other than him. He kind of left me no choice, though, every year of school and training got busier and busier and he hardly had room in his life for me and the kids and I feel like a single mom sometimes.<P>I don't think he's paying me back by becoming good friends with this woman at work. She was the one who pursued him and got into his business and private life, but since she made it so easy for him, I think he socialized with her because he's always felt like he doesn't make friends as easy as I do. But even with all of that in perspective, I still felt like he turned away from me and his family by confiding our problems in her. But after I made parynoid accusations about her (which all turned out to be true) he did cut off any kind of overly friendly behavior towards her. I do forgive him completely for that and I mean that with all my heart. The things that he inadvertantly or subconciously does or doesn't do to protect me is what I have a hard time forgiving him for because he says sorry for them and then he turns around and does it again. Every time we'd think we resolved a fight or an argument it would just happen again a day or two later because he would just do the same thing again and he would see my point about what's wrong with that, but then he would forget again.<P>I've gone off on a tangent... We are definitely not moving to run away from this but we did talk about it a month ago...about whether we thought we liked it here and the fact that there's a high level of Radon gas here that is harmful to us and the children, and a bunch of other things non related to the work situation all made us feel that it would be best to move. My husbands' parents are in their 70's and they're both not doing too well and we'd like to be closer to help them.<P>You were my consious when you said, "Who cares about what people think about you?" because I said that same line to my sister-in-law several times before when she'd talk about the community around her (she lives in a snotty, wealthy area) and I know the validity of that question, but somehow it still bothers me. The part about going out and meeting people and stuff is kind of related to that... Normally, when a new person joins the company they have a welcoming party and the wives get together to try and support the new wife to get her acclamated to the area. They didn't do either of the two for us and no one's really reached out to me and I guess I'm the type of person who doesn't ask for help unless someone offers it. I've been so used to depending on myself and sometimes my husband. I do get out and hang around my daughters' school and have made a lot of friends there but I don't dare talk about anything personal because somehow everyone here are all related to each other. I know all of my neighbors here, but there are only five since it's a new development. For a while I would make sure that I had a baby-sitter for EVERY social function that was open to me at my husband's work so that I could meet people and make friends, but now it's not as inviting to me as I thought. Like before I was trying really hard to meet the other wives even though no one was really reaching out to me and there's about two of them that are down to earth, genuinely nice people, but the rest are kind of snotty. One of the workers in my house, during punch out, told me that the people at this company that my husband is working for are known to be snotty, rich, ill-mannered people. Someone else had said that before to me and I didn't really think anything of it at the time, but now that I've met a lot of them I believe it. Some of these people are even above the law in this town, I've heard them talking about how they never get a ticket because of who they are. I guess in that perspective, I DON'T care what they think about me, because I don't care to be friends with people like that. I guess it just pissed me off that all of these older wives and well established families are probably looking down their nose laughing at me and my petty jealousy (or so they assumed from the rumors). You're right, I don't have time to deal with their pious opinions of me. All I can do is live my life.<P>I know in my mind that I don't want this woman to have this much control over our lives and I've complained to my husband several times about it, but I know ultimately it is my fault that she has so much control, because I let her. But I also continued to be nice to her for so long and let a lot of things slide so as not to sink to her level, but by letting those things slide I had let it fester with me.<P>I think the bottom line is, why things bother me so much is back to the fact that my husband did things to encourage this behavior in her and didn't do and say things to her to end it. I feel unprotected and even if we move I will always feel this way. No parable or reading in the Bible seems to help me with this one. I know I'm supposed to forgive seventy times seven and more, but how do you do that when it's still happening. The next day after we had talked to her and laid everything out on the table with her, my husband said he felt sorry for her and maybe she wasn't lying. I can understand feeling sorry for her and somehow he has to work with her so of course he WANTS to believe that she's not lying but we know for a fact that she is because the people that told us about these rumors gave us a specific instance when my husband had to go to such and such place and his wife had to meet him there -- if they knew details, how could they be making this up. She desperately wants to have a fantasy affair with him and all her behaviors point towards that and he's willing to make himself believe otherwise. When I had the look of shock on my face when he said that, he retracted it and said, "I mean, I know she's lying, never mind." I feel like I'm badgering him to believe the truth, or to believe me when I say that she has an agenda. I feel like I'm begging him to protect me and our family. And worst of all, I feel like one of these days he's going to talk himself into believing that she's innocent, and hence think that I've been a badgering, evil-harted wife for accusing her of all of these things (except that they all turned out to be true).<P>I've been talking too much again. Maybe it's because YOU listen and he doesn't. Pray for me to be able to talk to him tonight. He wanted to get a baby-sitter for tomorrow so that we could go see a movie and just be together. I said, "I think a movie would be fun, but I think more importantly we need to talk so that we don't land ourselves in another argument." He seemed kind of disappointed like "talk? not again" I always feel like I'm in the driver's seat of this marriage. If I don't fix it, who will?<P>Before I forget, I'm so sorry for passing judgement on what your "situation" was. I had no idea he is still part of your life. I guess I thought for you to be a survivor you would have to seperate yourself entirely, but apparently the counseling you went through and your kind heart allowed you to forgive him and repair your relationship. My problems seem so petty compared to the things you've gone through. You are definitely a better person than I am. I aspire to be like you. Have you ever heard of the story of Joan of Arc? You remind me of her. In the Catholic church she is veered as a Saint.<P>Anyway, I better go. I hope you feel better and I will pray for your health.

You are very kind in your words, however, were you to know everything about me, you might not judge me so kindly! At any rate, we all have our own scars to bear, how they got there is kind of irrelevent. I told you that not so you would think I was a good person, (because believe me, in the grand sceme of things, I don't rank very high), but rather so that you would understand that I believe in you and think that you will get through this, a better woman for having done it, with grace. My gut instict is to tell you to call up the snottiest wife you know, and ask her to lunch. Wouldn't they all have something to talk about then? I don't really know that this is good advice, but my experience with snotty people has been that they are either A) not really snotty after all, it was just a pre-judgment of them on my part, or B) snotty because they have so little of their own lives that fulfills them that they have to put other people down to make themselves feel bigger. Keep talking with your husband. Nothing but good can come from it. Let him know the things he does that are right too, to bombard him with his mess-ups. You are in the driver's seat. Let's face it, without us, the men would be pretty much mush. All of the real work goes on behind the scenes. We all know that! For any great performance, what the audience sees is only a minute portion of what has to happen for that show to go off without a hitch. Marriages are kind of like that. The men "show" everybody what is going on and the wives actually do everything. Seriously, though, I am being somewhat unkind, and I shouldn't, we each have our role, neither is more or less important than the other. Marriages are partnerships, and where one slacks, the other should pick-up. My point is that I hear you and understand and feel many of the same things. Ultimately, it all comes down to one thing; free will. God gave it to Adam, and every man and woman since. He doesn't push, force or make us do anything. He gave us the guidebook and let us choose what we do with our lives. Anyway, I have more to say, I am just too tired. I will try to get back with you tomorrow night after the kids go to bed. You are in my prayers. Till later.......

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I needed that. I guess you're right about the wife responsibility thing -- if we don't, who will? Every one of my friends that have kids have the same complaint in one way or another. And usually we're just venting to each other, not expecting a resolution, but still hoping for one. I guess I thought the relationship part of our lives should at least be a joint effort.<P>We did talk a little today and we hadn't really talked that much before -- kept saying we would, but just didn't get around to it. I just started saying things about this website and material that I printed out and was wondering if he would read some of it with me and he said he would. He didn't completely understand what was the dire need for talk if we're gettting along 'for now.' I told him that I don't want things swept under the rugs anymore and I just wanted there to be complete honesty between each other from now on. He said we were honest with each other now, so what's the problem. I said that with all that's happened lately and our enlightenment to the wrath of this business and all that we should set some guidelines as to what's proper and improper behavior. We went into depth about it and after a while he got quiet. I think it's a little overwhelming, but it's a start.<P>Also, I did tell him that I have some major problems, too, like the fact that I start ignoring him and shut down when I feel hurt by him, I cannot communicate when I'm hurt. I feel like I need to learn how to communicate better and sometimes I lose my temper when we are arguing. I tried to make sure I didn't sound like I was badgering him. Anyway, I let you know how things go.<P>You have given me so much strength and I am doing so much better. I don't feel like the problem is gone at all, but I am doing so much better -- I mean mentally and emotionally. You've helped me find my faith and I thank you for that. I feel like I've absorbed so much of your time and energy and I feel badly if I have. Please don't feel like you have to check on me all the time now, I am so much stronger now -- I look back and laugh at my weakness. Pray that I will stay strong.<P>Talk to you soon...

Hello again! I am back among the living! Yuk, what an experience. This weekend, the heatpump has started acting up, two of the three toilets in our home decided to tear up, and the dryer died. I have been driving to my mother-in-laws to dry my clothes. Fun, fun, fun! Last night I was there till almost 12:30 just waiting for my silly clothes to dry. The kids go to bed at 9:00 and 10:00 (the oldest one stays up later)so I didn't get started until after they had gone to bed. My oldest has her learner's permit and we went last night to the high school parking lot and practiced driving a straight shift. She did pretty good, but I have to say, all of this seems pretty weird to me. I don't feel old enough to be the "teacher." Anyone, the youngest got up this morning with 100.9 temp, so I took her to her mom's house instead of school. All least she made it through the weekend! How is everything going for you? It seems like it has been forever since we have talked. Any more activity from our friend? Are you and your husband still talking openly? That's the main thing. Now, just a couple of things before I go (I am on lunch); 1) You have all the strength you need, but like most of us, sometimes you need to be reminded that it is there. 2) I don't thing for one minute that you ever lost your faith, but I think that sometimes we all need to be reminded how to use it. 3) Don't think that you have drained my time and energy and please, don't feel badly for anything. You were at a point where you needed assistance and God provided it. I just happened to be the vessel. Praise him for answering your need. Best I can figure, we are put here to serve others. Period. If one thing that I have said has helped you or anyone else who may have read this posting, then I have been blessed. My one true deepest wish is that if I ever come in contact with anyone in my life who has ever felt lonely or afraid, I pray that after I passed by, they no longer felt that way. I know that this is not possible, because we all fall short, but I desperately try to make a difference. Because you have expressed gratitude to me for our friendship, I feel very grateful. You have provided to me. But then, isn't that the way friendships should work? At any rate, let me know how things are going. You are still in my prayers!

Wow, I had no idea you were still sick all this time. That's awful. I thought maybe it was like a 24-hour flu or something since it came on so fast, but glad to hear you are feeling better. How is your youngest? It's so easy for me to keep mine home since I'm at home and the oldest is in 2nd grade, but it's going to get rough if I go back to school.<P>Speaking of which, we have been talking more about moving, not so much to run away from it all, but just as better opportunities for both of us and the children. None of the schools are close enough for me since we are in a small town and even still the one school that's about 25 mins away is a community college and it only offers liberal arts type courses. I think the kids, too, lack a little bit in sciences in this area. There's very little resource for children's activities here, too. My oldest daughter used to be involved in every sport offered at her old school, and here nothing's offered except for swimming. The basketball, soccer and baseball is only offered to the boys (not as a prejudice thing, but just because there seems to be no demand amongst the girls).<P>I don't know, I feel a little snobby for wanting better for my kids and not taking what God has put before me, but in the grand scheme of things there are so many other reasons to move closer to home. My husband's parents are getting older and are both almost to the point where they need assistance. My husband has six siblings but they are all spread out and to me it seems they are very self-absorbed. No one really rushes to be by someone's side when they are sick or need help. His one brother that lives close to his parents is more inclined to help than the others, but still I feel a concern for their health and mere existence as they get older.<P>Also, my son has had some medical issues come up and we were concerned that the specialists in this area are not really qualified and a lot of people tell us that when they need to see a specialist they go out of town. He's been seeing this one neurologist here, but my pediatrician said that this neurologist has been known to overdiagnose because he likes to research his patients for other 'quirks' -- he likes to find rare things in children because it brings attention to his intelligence and knowledge for finding it. He's the only pediatric neurologist here and we will be getting second and third opinions, but that will take some doing since we'll have to go out of town.<P>Both my husband and I grew up in a big city so it is a little hard to get used to, but we lived in a smaller town than this for a few years when he was in grad school. I guess we still miss the amenities of the bigger city. I guess that's why I feel a little snobby about moving.<P>But, you know what? This whole discussion about the possibilities of moving has really lightened our stress level here. I was talking to my husband yesterday about all of this and I said, "You know, I don't feel so suffocated anymore, knowing that we have the option of moving if we want to." I think we were so forced into trying to make things work here because number one, he's in a two year contract, and number two, we just built a house and this is our first house ever. We've always gone from apt to apt until now. We won't know what we're doing when we sell, but we didn't know what we were doing when we built and we learned. I know it'll be a learning experience, but I mostly want to make sure we atleast break even with what we sell the house for.<P>I know I must sound rash, jumping to all these future decisions, but somehow I think it is healthy for me to be thinking of these things. All through out my husband's training, what kept us going is our plans for our future. A lot of things came to a halt when we got here. Like we've always dreamed of building a house, and we did that and it's nice and all, but it didn't bring us as much joy as we thought. My husband's always had the goal of being in the career position he's in now, but that wasn't all that it was cracked up to be either. He really likes it, but he thinks it's a little more 'cut-throat' than he thought it to be before. But then, that's not surprising, huh? Wealth and status will never bring us satisfaction, I know. My husband's sister said when they were growing up their mother told them that God made us so that we would never stop 'wanting' more because if we achieved everything in life and stopped wanting we would not want the Lord.<P>I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but not even having the option of going to the other side is what was suffocating us, I think. Even if we move closer to home and things aren't so great there, I feel like out of all of the places that we've lived, I will feel more 'at home' and comfortable if we move there. Both of us grew up there and all of our families are there, a little spread out, but still there.<P>Anyway, I'm just putting my self through some therapy here, while I'm talking to you! I really do think it has been a lot less stressful for us knowing that there's possible options for us. We're not at a dead end anymore. As for that woman, she's still a little hostile at work and my husband says she seems 'uppity,' kind of like, "How dare they talk to me that way?" He says she's been the 'gosippy, lying, no-good assistant' long before we got here (she's worked for this place for over 20 yrs.) and we were the first to ever really approach her on it. Also, he says we ruined her fantasy -- she kind of paints a pretty picture around herself and tries to make people think things about her, because in reality life is not that great for her. He says that he thinks she never really wanted to have an affair with him, she just wanted everyone to think that something was going on so that she would get some kind of dignity out of it, like she was worth looking at or worth talking about. This was kind of my assumption before, but the fact that she was buying him so many gifts kind of threw me. In any case, she can't fantasize about my husband anymore, in fact, he says she acts a little hateful towards him. I know this is bad, but I think in time she will get over it because my husband will continue to treat her the same and I will pray that her life will get better so that she doesn't have to pretend or fantasize her well-being.<P>My world seems so demented compared to yours! It must be kind of fun teaching your daughter to drive? I taught a friend and I really didn't feel like I should be a teacher, but she did alright and it gave me some satisfaction for helping teach her. I imagine you to be a very calm person and that probably helps. I hear that parents teaching their kids to drive is always too stressful. My nephew is going to driving school this summer specifically for that reason. He doesn't want to deal with his parents' teaching him. She is lucky to have you for a teacher.<P>Anyway, better go, I still have to frost the cupcakes I baked this morning for my daughter's Valentine's party. Talk to you soon...

Please pray for me, something bad has happened, not directly to me, but it involves that woman and I can't explain. I think she is bordreline psychotic and I'm worried for our safety. Please pray for us.