Lupolady,
Thanks for your continued prayers. <p>I asked my wife what she intended to do, she would not tell me anything other than, at best we can remain friends. I asked, does that mean we can not be husband and wife. Her answer was unclear, but she said I should leave our home, live on my own and leave her alone. I told her that being apart does not help us to heal our marriage and that separation is one of the methods used to fall out of love with someone. She said we could remain friends and that lots of divorce/separated people do. I asked her not to file. She said that I am making forceful demands of her by staying and that I should leave. <p>I did, sometime ago, while we were seperated, make several promises to her that if I could return I would do the following:

1. To never threaten her with divorce again. (Pretty successful with this one.)
2. To never threaten not to pay any of her bills. (Very successful with this one. I have committed to pay all of the bills plus all of the charge card bills that she had/has run while we were separated. God has been good to supply the extra money needed to pay them.) <p>Today, I am so fearful. She has been convinced that divorce/separation is her only choice. She also thinks that she will be able to get as much money in support as what I give to her now each month. She does not work outside the home and plans to use that against me in a divorce saying, I did not want her to work. She also plans to say that I have mentally abused her, had an anger problem, and never sought any help for it.<p>She is concerned with how things will look to our sons and others if she does file. I think she regrets that she did not file while I was with the other woman. She knows that I moved out after two months of being with the ow, lived in my apartment for four months and that my moving back against her wishes is the last good excuse she can use to file for divorce/separation and still make it look like the right thing to do.<p>This morning, after our discussion before I left for work, I told her. I am willing to do anything to restore our marriage. I will do my share plus more. I will read books, go to counseling, not make any demands on you, pay all bills no questions asked, give you the space you need, but please do not file. She then rejected everything I said saying, you are only concerned about what you want.<p>Sorry, I have gone on so long about this. I really need prayer and fasting in this situation. ... this is the week she will file, if she intends to do so. If she does not, then she will loose the last good reason to file and still make it look like it was the right thing to do, (the fact that I moved back home against her wishes.) <p>Please pray that God will not allow her to file and stop this downward spiral to allow what I think is Satan's work to continue. At this point, in her/their way of thinking, I can do nothing good enough to show that I have repented and want to save my marriage. My wife has been blinded to turn from making any effort to save our marriage and thinks that divorce/separation is the easy answer. She would will make the easy choice instead of working together to save our marriage.<p>I love her and my family very much. God blessed us to be together and to bring two wonderful sons into this world. I want no one else, but her. I know what I did was sinful, selfish and wrong, but it is more that just my affair that is holding us back. This is the most difficult battle I have ever engaged in. Everything I try, no exaggeration, only makes things worse. Please pray that Satan be defeated and that we will return our household to God. Please ask God to move. I do trust him, but everything just keeps getting darker. <p>God Bless you, my brothers and sisters.<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: RichardK ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by RichardK:
<strong>
Today, I am so fearful. She has been convinced that divorce/separation is her only choice. <p> I am willing to do anything to restore our marriage. I will do my share plus more. I will read books, go to counseling, not make any demands on you, pay all bills no questions asked, give you the space you need, but please do not file. She then rejected everything I said saying, you are only concerned about what you want.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Richard,
I have a lot of ideas, but some of them might not be "MB material." I would like to chat with you via private e-mail. If you are not comfortable with that, I can respect that. If you would like to do that, I will give you my e-mail addy.<p>I STILL think you need to "distance" a little bit. The last statement above of hers that you wrote is what makes me think you are going about this all backwards! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She wants to feel "in control" of her life, NOT like "second best" after what you did. Understood. She wants to "make the rules" - NOT have you tell her what rules you are willing to abide by. Understood. She wants you to HEAR HER say she "needs time to heal." You are not acknowledging that you hear that. Understand it.<p>OK, there's tons more, which may or may not be of interest to you. If so, I'd feel more comfortable not sharing it on a public forum like this. Otherwise, if you prefer we keep it here, I'll share as much as I feel comfortable with.<p>Lastly, you wrote (see above) that you "are fearful that she feels div./sep. are her only options." OK, you KNOW fear is NOT of the Lord!! You are being tossed around like a leaf in the wind by Satan, as is she, and you are allowing it to happen to you! DO NOT allow Satan to invade your family anymore than he already has!! TAKE CONTROL!!! Ask the Lord to protect your family from anymore of Satan's lies. Take control. BE THE PROTECTOR of your home. HUSBAND. The word is literally taken from the word which means - HOUSE-BAND - which means that YOU are the BAND which binds the household and holds it together. It's time, my friend, for you to STOP giving in to YOUR fears and "act like" the husband you vowed to be to your w and family. LET HER DO whatever she is going to do. YOU following your vows (coming back to them, repenting for leaving them, and continuing to be the husband to your W and "loving her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it...") is the thing God is going to honor and use to reunite your home.<p>Pleading, begging, making every promise you can think of will NOT cut it. Just DO IT. Just be the husband, the father, the man of the house. Just let her be angry. Just let her stew. Just let her ALONE!!! God has to speak to her heart. There is NOTHING you can do or say. She is now in the position YOU WERE IN when you left!!! Didn't she try to plead with you NOT to leave your family? Didn't she try to promise things to you and make you stay or give up OW? If so, then you KNOW how futile it is to try to change someone's mind.<p>Stop it. It won't work. Prayer ALONE will work. God alone, doing His Will will work. Believe. Pray.<p>God Bless you and your family.

Hi lupolady,
Yes please email me. I respect your advice and am eager to learn more.
Thanks so much for your concern.<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: RichardK ]</p>

RichardK,<p>I pray for you and your family in this time of need.<p>Oh Lord, Please watch over this man and this woman, and over their family as well. In this their time of need, give them strength to overcome evil, and give them the serenity to face their challenges with open hearts and open minds, and bless them with all your glory. In the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Richard, I agree with lupolady, take a step back. You have told her how you feel, she knows, and you cannot control her and how she feels. I think you need to focus on you and your relationship with Christ right now. Get into the Word, I would start with Psalms and Proberbs and let the Lord lead you and teach you how HE wants you to deal with this situation. Learn how to be the Husband that God wants you to be, that will take some time, but every step towards Him is good. That may be what your W is waiting for, for you to show her that you really are going to change, she has heard enough words. That will take time, so if you do anything be PATIENT, wait upon the Lord. <p>Eat Honey, my son, for it is good;
honey from the comb is sweet to
your taste.
Know also that wisdom is sweet to
your soul;
if you find it, there is a future
hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.<p>Prov.24:13-14

I just got a call from my wife's lawyer. She has filed.

Richardk, The enemy wants you to keep your focus on the circumstances. Just move forward with growing and doing the will of God, and the Lord will do the rest. Only God can change hearts. Ive spent years trying to reach my wife. I still find myself trying to get thru to her in other areas and its always the same. Frustration and nowhere. Who got thru to you when you messed up? It was the Lord. It will be the same for your W holding onto unforgiveness.
Right now your trying to prove to her youve changed and she should do the right thing. She cant hear it or see it right now. Why? She dont want to. She will test you until she proves you wrong and the enemy's job is to make you give up.<p>Most of our situations here will take nothing short of a miracle. We have to get to a place where we realize nothing we do can change anything. Although my situation isnt over yet(over 3 years seperated) my W and I have been growing the last year, and are in Love again. That alone is a miracle. I do know what works and what dont. Some i probably shouldnt share here, but it all comes down to handing it over to God daily and that doesnt always seem humanly possible.
The biggest picture in my mind that helped me the most thru this was Jesus laying His life down for us. We are the ones whom also spit on Him denied Him and nailed Him to the cross. Our mates are nailing us to the cross. May we be like Jesus and forgive them and say, forgive them Father for they know not what they do. We will rise again, and so will our marriages, but first comes the faith testing period and if i had it all to do over, i would wish i had never been born...
Mark

This weekend has been one of intense pain. The pain is so great that I am yet unable to even cry about it.
I have made the transition from wanting to give up to standing in the next battle. Please pray that God will guide me in making decisions I hardly have the strength to think about. Pray that God will lead me in how I can show my wife how much I love her and want to remain with her and my family. Please pray that she can forgive me for what I have done to her and my boys. Today, the Lord has shown me the parallel between what I did to her last summer and what she is doing now.

Richard,
I'm so very sorry that your W has taken the wrong advice and filed. I continue to pray for your family. God CAN change your W's heart. Never give up on that. I don't really have any advice as my D is proceeding. But I will tell you this; my faith in God and his plan for me and my life is STRONGER than it's ever been! Keep the faith!<p>PEACE,<p>Kari

Thank you for your prayers. With all the strength I have left I am trying to hang on to the hope that she will stop the divorce. I am really broken trying to understand were God is directing me. I want to trust and go on with the (spiritual) battle, but question if God is telling/forcing me to give in and let the divorce go on. I know that the possibility of remarriage will likely not happen. Not sure if I would hang on that long.<p>It seems that the price I am now paying for my sin of adultery is so great. Not only am I suffering from what I did, but so are my sons and my wife. She has not allowed my son that is still at home to be in my presence since she filled. <p>Last Friday her lawyer called to inform me that she had filed. My son was gone from my home from Friday until late Sunday evening. When she went to pick him up she said, DO NOT talk to him about any of this. She has also taken him away every evening this week. He has been at her pastor&#8217;s house. HE WAS THE ONE that told my son that his mom and dad were going to get a divorce. HE STOLE THAT FROM ME. Then he instructed my son not to talk about what he had told him. How can a loving God allow this to happen? <p>I know that this week&#8217;s sermon at his church was about cutting out anyone that would lead you away from God. That is not what I am trying to do. I want to serve God and my family, but my wife and son have been turned against me. Now I am locked in a battle with a lawyer. When I read her list of charges, I could not believe what was on the paper. She is asking that I be removed from my home so that my son will not have to live with me. I have never intentionally done anything that would be harmful to him. When I have sinned, my affair included, I confessed and asked for his forgiveness. <p>I have pleaded with God, am I wrong, have I misunderstood you? Am I not following your will? Am I only doing what I want? I beg him to show me if I am doing that. I am so worn down. I just don&#8217;t know why things keep working against saving my marriage. <p>Sorry that this post does not offer much encouragement. I know that I will continue to follow God, but can not come to terms with all this. He did convict me and told me NOT to divorce my wife, (I know it is her that is doing it.) I have prayed in faith to a God that hates divorce. I do not want to blame her pastor. I know that he too and my wife want to follow God&#8217;s will. How can they both be wrong and ME be the only one that is right?<p>Sorry again. I know all this sounds bad. I prayed that God would give me the desire of my heart and have prevented this divorce. My wife and I truly, deeply loved one another for over 20 years. Why did God pull me back to want to give her my love again and at the same time cause her to fall out of love enough to divorce me? I know I must believe and trust him and I am clinging to my faith. I have no intention of running from God. I JUST NEED HIM to stop this mess and I am broken that he has not. <p>All it would take is for her to stop moving further away from me and take one step back. I know that God would bring us back from that point. <p>I have asked GOD, where is your power? I sinned, I confessed, God forgave me. How can they thing I would lead them into sin after what I have been through? I hate sin. <p>I am so sorry to everyone. If I am hurting this board with this post I am sorry. If anyone discerns that to be the case, please email me and I will remove it immediately. I do not want to discourage anyone. I know that God loves us and knows what is best. I still love my lord and my fellow Sisters and Brothers. Sorry, I did not intend for this to be so long. She and my son should return home soon. Another day ends and we are further apart than the day before.<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: RichardK ]</p>

Richard,
I'm so sorry to hear your hurt. But know that God is not far from you. He KNOWS what you are going through, and He's right there with you in the midst of it.<p>Richard,
Is there anyway you can counsel with Steve or Jennifer? even one session may help give you an "action Plan" for dealing with this negativity all around you. You can find their number at one of the links above this page.<p>Prayers to you & your family,

RichardK, I know all too well the painful place you are at and the questions you have for God. God doesnt put a price tag on sin and unforgiveness is just as destructive as unfaithfulness. Your W is now being lead astray. She should take her so called pastors advice and cut out those(him) whom are leading her away from the Lord. But thats besides the point. You need to reach out to the Lord harder and harder. The enemy isnt just out to destroy your marriage.He wants to destroy many at the church your W attends. This is a spiritual battle. Until your W is humbled by the Lord, she will hold onto her bitterness and unforgiveness. Its Gods job and His time in all this. Now i used to hate hearing about Gods time and still do so im sorry to bring it up. He will see you thru this trial.
You have repented, so let it go and stop listening to the accuser of the bretheren thru all his puppets. The enemy from my experience and still hasnt stopped, will use just about everybody, especially family againts you. You will be hated and treated like a criminal. This according to Gods word is normal. It is no fun at all either. I can see already God wants to restore your marriage, or the devil wouldnt try so hard to finish it off. There are a lot of people in your W's congregation watching the situation. They are either thinkin, yeah im going to get a divorce, or is this situation to big for God to handle. Nothing is too great for God to handle, yet find a pastor that acually believes that. enough said.
This is a very narrow and hard road Richard. You will have to resolve in your mind and heart, if your willing to stand all the way, or not. At times you will give up, but the spirit of the Lord will carry you thru.
Dear Lord, i pray that you would send your Holy Spirit strong upon Richard and give him your peace. I pray that you would deliver him of the fear that grips his mind and that he would know you are really there and love him. Lord, give Richard your strenth to push on, and teach him (and me too) Lord how to fully trust you.
In Jesus name , Amen

Thanks again my brothers and sisters in Christ. We do need to pray for one another and I do ask God to answers the prayers of those on this board. We can not give up on God, one another or ourselves. <p>Lostpup, I went back and read a few of your recent posts. Yes, you and I have some of the same forces working against us. I am not complaining, but everyday, the situation does get worse. Everyday, I am engaged in a spiritual battle that is much more fierce that the previous one. I pray this means that God is about to cause a break through, but I am searching for the truth of God and not a reward for my prayers and faithfulness. <p>This morning, my wife called me at work and insisted that I leave our home today. She said that my son can not be around me because of my adultery and how he feels about it. When she filed for divorce last Friday, she said, she wanted me removed from our home because of my angry behavior in front of him. (This was the most difficult line to read on the divorce papers.) None of this is true. He does not think that I am angry, said that he has forgiven me for the adultery and that I should stay. However, I can tell that he has and is being conditioned to think otherwise, please pray. (I was careful not to make him feel like he is being placed in the middle.) I love my wife and son. God gave me the grace to remain calm and about thirty minutes into the one hour conversation, I prayed that God calm the situation and allow us to follow his will and not our own. My wife did not want me to pray and cut my prayer short with an amen, but it did quite the situation for a moment. As far as leaving my home, my lawyer has advised me not to leave. I can do want I want, of course, but must take this to the Lord in prayer. He did give me a peace about returning home, even against her wishes. ((((Please my brothers and sisters, pray for discernment, but God did show me that, if I give in to someone's sinful behavior;
I reward sinfulness, give Satan the victory and deny God's grace and mercy to someone who needs it.
BUT, please instruct me if anyone sees that I may not be listening to God in this respect.))))<p>During the call, my wife got upset that I was calm and collected. (Funny, just last night, I cried with moanings that absorbed every bit of my being. I have never heard such sounds come from anyone.) Generally, during this type of phone call I would get upset right along with her. She told me several times, she is learning to hate me. She did threaten me, that if I did not leave, she didn't know what she might do to herself. Yes, God is in this with us.....All of us who seek to serve and love him. Just as he had the mercy to turn me from my sin of adultery, he gave me grace to love my wife even through this difficult conversation. I also feel a burden for my wife. I know she is hurting to core of her being. I do not want her to hurt and pray that our wonderful Lord of mercy give her comfort. I see the parallel between how I behaved with my adultery and how my wife is now behaving with the divorce.<p>The last few days, the Lord has directed me, (I AM THE FIXER TYPE) to not say anything to my wife and just be gentel. Anything that I do say is brought back to the accusers and used in judgement against me. He is an ALL KNOWING GOD. <p>Anyone that has followed this thread knows how much I want to save my marriage. You would also know that I have questioned God in why the filing for divorce had to happen and why my accusers come after me in such force. <p>So what is my point? I would love to see God stop this mess and put my marriage back together. I hope that he is not going to tell me to let go, but I know that he may do so. With every event, the likely-hood of saving my marriage moves farther and farther out of man's hands. WITH THAT, I have no other choice than to turn it over to him, COMPLETELY. <p>>>>>><p>Sorry, I am back. It is now the end of the day at work and I just got another phone call from my wife. She insisted that I leave our home this weekend. I told her that tonight, (Friday) I would be away at a fellowship meeting, tomorrow, (Saturday) I would be out shopping, and that Sunday I would be at church in the morning and wanted to take our son out in the afternoon. She immediately said that our son would not want to go. She said that if I did not leave, she would put all my things outside, (we have snow.)<p>Perhaps, I am not listening to God? She has told me that I am not to pray for her or ask God to bless her or anything like that again. I did tell her that I would pray about what she has asked me. I also explained that I have been advised by my lawyer to stay in the house. I am not sure what to do. I do not have the money to go and get another place this weekend even if I wanted to. I am in debt from living in the apartment I had, yet maintaining all the expenses for our family home as well. <p>As I mentioned, every (spiritual) battle is worse than the one before. I do not know what to expect next. She may try to have me forcefully removed. She keeps bringing up our son, but he has not expressed any signs that he does not want me to be in the home with him.<p>Lastly, I do think that God did direct me to move back home and that Satan knows that. I do not know the reason she wants me to leave so badly, but I do think that Satan wants me to leave and my wife is just fooled into believing that. Please pray that my mind will be clear and my path set straight. If I am not hearing from God, ask that in his mercy the blinders will be removed. If I am following his will, pray for his protection from Satan.<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: RichardK ]</p>