yes i am planning on coming back. i know we all may have differing opinions at times, each of us comes from a different perspective, with a different story. but it sounds like all of us want to become closer to the type of person God wants us to be and believes in the institution of marriage.

yes, i am still struggling with the OM. but it is a struggle i intend to finally beat. it did become a full fledge addiction. this is the case for both him and i. we both know it. we both want to beat it. but as you say, we cannot help each other with this, obviously. yes, i have confided to a close friend, but i must say, push comes to shove, this person will support me no matter what path i take. without judgement. i need someone with a stronger emphasis on me to do the RIGHT thing. perhaps this is where this board can come in. of course in the end, I need to hold MYSELF accountable.

i hesitate to send him a no contact letter. i know we both know that is the path we must take. it has been 9 days, even though we did not end it 9 days ago saying good bye to each other and directly stating we need to have NO more contact, i know we are both acting as if we had. we have in the past said goodbye to each other so many times and it has never worked. we have said all there is to say to each other, i know he knows it all, he knows i know it too. i do not see him as an enemy. i could not write a cold NO CONTACT letter. and so the letter would be more of what we have said to each other in the past. right or wrong here, i have fond feelings for him and for what has occured between us, i cannot just pretend i don't have those feelings. our past goodbye's have been those of 2 good friends, thanking each other for being a part of each other's lives, for the lessons learned along the way and wishing them all the best in the world. i know we were sinning big time by being together but there WAS some good in it too. i may be totally blasted off this board for saying this but i believe God put this person in my life for a reason. the time we had together was for a reason. i learned and i grew by knowing this person, he helped me not give up on life something i had come very close to doing. he told me once, during one of our good bye's. "i'm a better man for knowing you." i am not sure why that is exactly, but i do believe I am a stronger person due to knowing him. BUT and this is a big but and one i must accept now. the purpose is GONE. 100% and completely gone. continuing on IS wrong.

i have an opportunity now to make this marriage work now. that opportunity was not there before, at least i did not see any way.

you asked why my husband believed that something happened before. he has always been a jealous type of person. i did not see that jealousy as insecurity on his part and i resented his lack of faith in me. so i refused to let that jealous dictate how i should act. when we dated, i was in college, he lived in my home town. i was studing computers, there were more male students in that area than female. i had friends, more male than female, we would go out to lunch together, as a group, never one on one. same thing happened when i got a job. on top of that, i became very heavy into my job, he felt neglected, i never even realized that. he had his own job and career too. the major thing that occured was one day when a bunch of us talked about going skiing, my husband made it clear he had no desire to go. but i had always wanted to try to ski. a group of us started talking about going on a particular day. it became the same day that my husband decided to go on a hunting trip with his dad and brother, overnight. it seemed like a good idea. but in the end, only myself and one other person, a male co-worker, could go. so he and i went. we left early in the morning. he was a good skier, he went on the tougher paths. i was a first timer, i went on the bunny paths. we bearly even saw each other, once in a while we would pass and wave. i started to fall down a lot and decided to find him and tell him i was done, before i managed to break a leg, he was ready too so we left. we drove to his place, i got in my car and went home immediately. it was just 2 friends skiing. absolutely nothing between us. i liked the guy as a co-worker, that was it. i had absolutely NO feelings for him, nor did he for me. i got home and went to bed pretty early, very exashted from being in cold all day. i had no number to call my husband because they were in a cottage somewhere with no phone. he did finally call me very late at night, by then i must of been dead to the world because i did not hear the phone. we did not end up talking until the next morning and he was livid. all i could say to him, over and over, was NOTHING HAPPENED. we skied, i was so tired, i slept. in retrospect, i should of been more sensitive to his insecurities which was at the heart of his jealous. instead i was just annoyed that he didn't trust me and i had no intentions in making "his problem" mine. in retrospect, i realize i should of listened and understood his feelings better. and respected them, even if that meant passing on things like lunches or skiing.
today, i understand the importance of understanding and validating each other feelings before going into problem solving. back then i did not. so, yes, i think that issue is completely gone for him. we finally talked about all that the way we should of back then.

i have rambled more than i should have. sorry for such a long post, but then again, you don't have to read this either!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

for now, my decision stands. i am not telling him about the affair. i need more time to have this become a very distant event. i need to let the fog clear, i need to stay focused and continue to pray everyday.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
What I am trying to say here is once a BS believes an A has taken place, any perception of deceit only makes hurts us more and withdraws from our Love Bank. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but if a spouse believes an affair has taken place when one has not..... how was i supposed to fight a perception i didn't even realize he was hanging on to so tightly.

i do understand what you are saying and i am sorry for the pain you have felt due to your wife's actions. but we have finally hit a time in our marriage where he does have faith in me. i'm not going to say anything to change that now. i KNOW he can have faith in me now because i KNOW i can be a faithful and loving wife. and that is what i want to focus on. i don't like the idea of having this secret between us. I HATE the idea of having this secret between us. but that is how it has to be right now and it is up to me to deal with it. and i have to hope and pray, he does find out.

single guy, we were writing at the same time....

i hear you, i am sorry for your pain too.

i hear all of you, i know you are just trying to be helpful...

i agree about the secret sin as being something between us, i will just have to trust that it will work out. maybe someday i will tell him, but not now.

again, i ask for your prayers and i would even ask this place to be somewhere that i must be accountable to. but please stop trying to explain to me why you think i should tell him

Heavenly Father, I ask that You would put a hedge of thorns around finally. Lord, build it tight and strong, that no one can penetrate it. Father, turn all her desires for love and affection to her husband, and cause all wrong feelings for the other man to dry up. Lord, wake up the Godly man that You have inside of her husband, that he would see his wife as You would want him to see her. Father, You picked this man to be her husband, not the other man, and he should be the one providing ALL the blessings of marriage to her. Let your will be done here Lord. We bind the enemy and how he has placed this wrong man in her life. Father, direct his path away from her. Father, we lose ALL the powers of heaven to come to the aid and restoration of this marriage. We thank You for all You have done, and all You will do. In Jesus name. Amen

Just as a note, God didn't put that other man in your life for a reason, it was a choice you made. That thinking is still part of the fog. A way to justify the sin. God never puts someone in a person's life to commit sin. But when you want to sin so badly that you lust, He can no longer get your attention and He steps out of the way. But satan was aware of your weak spots, both in your heart, and in your marriage, and he put temtation right under your nose like bait, and like most of us, you took it. satan always convinces us there is something better for us and that God is witholding the very best from us. That's how he deceived Eve, and so many more. The reason I brought up my ex was to tell you she never could get out of the fog. She refused to let it go. It still has her bound today, and she knows it. She was told by many that what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn't resist, and it got her. Don't end up like that.


singleguy

<small>[ December 12, 2003, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: singleguy ]</small>

thanks singleguy for the prayer, it is very powerful. regarding your note on if this person was put in my life by God or by satan... i will have to pray on that more. things you say do make an impact inside me in such a way as to say... "pay attention here... you need to hear this" but saying it was all 100% wrong is so hard to accept right now. maybe it is just more romantic for me to believe we served a good purpose for each other, that even in our sin, God found a way to communicate to us thru each other. it sure felt that way sometimes, especially at the beginning when i was so low. it's so sad to think that everything about it was bad.

the best thing for me right now is to not think about it so much. let that fade away and just focus on my marriage. your prayer said it very nicely. thank you.

Aloha Finally,

I promise not to tell you any more about why you should tell your H. You've already gotten my take on it and I don't want you think I 'm going to press you any more.

I hope I can help shed some light on the reason that some good is coming out of this A. A number of years ago my W and I had an opportunity to really work on our M. Both of us chose to make our choices from the flesh and not according to God's will.

This was the first time we had an opportunity to do it in God's will. We had many other times in which to do it God's way but failed too because we weren't in an intimate relationship with the Father. So at some point I believe God just let us go and gave Satan more influence in our lives. The result of Satan's influence was my W's affairs. At that point one of us (me) realized what a mess we were in and turned back to God to have Him direct our lives.

God sometimes turns us over to the enemy on order for us to see how far away we have drifted from Him (1 Co. 5:5). The Bible says that God does not temp us, so he will never put someone in our lives that will cause us to sin (James 1:12-16). He is the one that provides a way out (1 Co. 10-13).

However, God can and will take something that is bad and turn it into something good to show His glory (Ro. 8:28)

If I had listened to God way back when and just paid attention to what my W was telling me, we didn't have to get to the affair to wake us up. Satan was steering us toward disaster and God turned it around for us and is enabling us to make something good out of it.

I want you to know I am proud of what you have been able to do so far. And even though I may disagree with things you might do I do care about you, your H and your M. I will always be a friend to your M. Even if that means I need to say something that isn't easy for you to accept. Or your H if he ever ends up here on MB. Because he has a role in the M as well as a command from God regarding you and your H's love for you.

Gotta go sis.

Bless you.

S&C

Finally,
As S&C says, we do love and care about you. God's word was sent to convict, and not to condemn. We all have had to be "woke" up by God from time to time. The truth isn't always easy, but it's the truth that sets us free. Let God lead you on all this, and He will guide you out of this maze that satan has created. I too want you to have God's best!!!

singleguy

Finally,
I will no tchange my feeling that you should tell your H. I am happy that you are thinking about in the future. That means it is not a permanent No.

As for the NC letter. Sorry, he IS the enemy. He knew you were married and he went towards you anyway. Is he married?, I don't remember you saying. He willfully helped you brake a convenant you have with your H and God. That is not someone to feel romantic thougths about now. YOU ARE STILL IN THE FOG! I have been in your shoes. I am speaking from experience.
Does your friend, the one you confided in, know this man? Have her deliver the NC letter. You can then be accountable to her, as well as us here. He will know that there is now light on the A, and might respect your NC better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. i could not write a cold NO CONTACT letter. and so the letter would be more of what we have said to each other in the past. right or wrong here, i have fond feelings for him and for what has occured between us, i cannot just pretend i don't have those feelings. our past goodbye's have been those of 2 good friends, thanking each other for being a part of each other's lives, for the lessons learned along the way and wishing them all the best in the world. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THE OM IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. The more you want to treat him as one, even without the A going on, is hurting your H. He knows/feels something, but won't say. He thinks it is just thoughts in his head.

Fond feelings for the OM - YOU ARE STILL IN THE FOG. This man should repulse you because of the terrible things you two did to your H.

There is no, "Thank you for being part of my life". It's thank you for helping me ruin my life and my H's.

What S&C said before is true. God will take a bad situation and make it good for His Glory. After my A and wnating to tak my own life, I saw I needed God big-time.

Again, my words are out of love for you. I don't know you presonally. I am not getting paid for doing this. I am telling you from my heart what I have experienced and what God is telling me I need to share with the WS' and those thinking about cheating.

Oh Dear Father. Fill Your Daughter, Finally, with your Love and Mercy. Show her the blessings she will receive from a good Christian marriage. Show her the love her husband feels for her. Fill her with the fruits of the Holy Spirit to strengthen herself as a Godly woman for herself, her husband, her family. And all of Your Glory.
Remove Satan and his lies and deciet from heart, and therefore, lift her out of his fog. Allow her to see what this affair truly was. Bind Satan and all his emmissaries from this marriage. Keep the other man away from Finally and her husband. Give Finally the courage not to let go of the other man but to seek your forgiveness and to restore her marriage.
We ask this of You through Your Most Holy Son, our Lord and avior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

TTSMM