I love all the encouragement I get on this board and from the book, but I wonder if any of you still get discouraged? Do you feel you keep giving and doing but get nothing in return? I know it is wrong for me to feel this way, but there are times when I just don't get it. Since day one of discovering his affair, I have been loving & forgiving & encouraging by giving him notes, cards, gifts, hugs&Kisses, passion, special nights, etc. He has done very little in return. I sometimes feel he owes me and should be doing every thing for me to prove himself. I know it is wrong for me to feel that way, but I can't help it. He had made one change and that is showing his affection with hugs, kisses, and I loves yous. So it has not been a total bust. Maybe I am just impatient. But if I had betrayed him the way he did me and then wanted to fix it, I would surely be putting more deposits in my love bank. I guess I need to pray for God to "change me" to accept him or let Him make any necessary changes in my H. Just wondered if anyone else gets this way. I know some of you are separated and I should be grateful my H has never left during this whole ordeal. He said he wanted to work this out from the day I found out. So...praise the Lord for that! Blessings, J

I know exactly how you feel. I get discouraged about our situation quite a bit. I, too, have done and am doing the same things you are, being extra nice and kind, cards and love notes in his lunch, little gifts, loving voice mails, special meals, etc. with very little acknowledgement in return. But, then my husband has always been cold-hearted, so I guess I'm used to the rejection. I do love him with all my heart and continue to pray for the Lord to help us get through this, and for Him to change my heart, make me more kind and forgiving. And He has. We all need to keep praying for each other.

I get discouraged too! I think its hard not to. You do feel like you give and give and give and sometimes i feel like i would just die to have him do one of the loving things i do for him. Even this summer before we seperated when he did show any affection i felt like a loved starved kid because i ate up the attention he did give me. I just keep praying for him and i and especially for patience, i would like to have everything restored and reconciled right now and I have to keep reminding myself that this is in God's hands and i am on his time, not mine. <P>------------------<BR>morgan

Yeah, I get discouraged as well. Sun & Mon I watched probably 6 hours of football. Yes, it was totally my choice and part of my effort to expand the things we enjoy in common. Last night he spent 5 hours online, I was good about that--even though the kids were out of the house! When he got offline, there was a program I wanted to watch--he refused to watch it with me. However, he did say he wanted to spend some time with me (finally).<P>Good grief.<P>But...I said, "H, you are more important to me than any TV program, what shall we watch?" The situation could have blown up, but I felt like an comprising adult rather than a selfish child (meaning no offense to any other posts--I've been a selfish, demanding child lately). He thanked me. He just really didn't want to watch THAT PARTICULAR program.<P>It isn't fair, but sometimes all the betrayer can do is offer his physical presence in the home & marriage, he just isn't capable of any more. Although it seems like the time must come where they turn around, everytime I think we must be there, he leaves again, so I don't know how to get there.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

NewDay.<P>I think we can all relate to the discouragement that comes too frequently for those who are trying to keep a troubled marriage together. We are swimming upstream and against the current of popular opinion. Everyone around, family, most friends, and anyone else who has an opinion will just tell you to leave and cut your losses. That in itself is discouraging and then add to that that your spouse (which every side of the fence he is on) is circling his own mountain of pain. That is why we have got to keep our eyes focused on the will of God and not our own feelings. That is a superhuman task and it takes the power of God to accomplish it. <P>We need to be there for each other to cheer on and encourage until we get to the otherside of the mountain of hurt. Keep posting and sharing whatever feelings you are having and know we all understand and want to see your marriage restored. <P>God, lift up NewDay and replace her feelings of discouragement with your vision of hope and a new determination to keep on keeping on.

Hi. <P>Yes, NewDay, I can certainly relate. When we first started 'recovery' and my h. moved back after a few weeks with a pastor friend, my h. was very sweet, remorseful and appreciative of my forgiveness. <P>Now as we progress in counseling and live with the daily stresses of running a family, I sometimes think we are doomed to failure. Last night after 'intimacy', he said something really mean and cutting. <P>He hasn't said 'I love you' in three weeks, and he had been saying it a couple times a week since he moved back.** He is still acting physically affectionate, so I feel like a whiner. <P>In counseling, he said I was needy, that was on his list of my weaknesses. Well, gee, of course I am needy! I haven't wanted to complain about the lack of I love yous, but it is sort of obvious if you say it to someone and they nod instead of responding.<P>I have been going to the Lord over and over about my h. and his heart. I know that his hardness towards God spills over into our relationship. I try to keep going back to the "Lover of My Soul" for healing.<BR>Here's the old hymn, you all might find comfort in it, too.<P>Jesus, Lover of My Soul<BR>Let me to thy bosom fly,<BR>While the nearer waters roll,<BR>While the tempest still is high:<BR>Hide me, O my Savior, hide, <BR>Till the storm of life is past;<BR>Safe into thy haven guide; <BR>O receive my soul at last<P>Charles Wesley, 1738<P>If I really mean that He is the Lover of My Soul, then He is sufficient to meet my need for love. Out of that abundance, I can give to my h. I don't know how long I will be called to give without getting back, but I pray for guidance in the process. SAA says that it can take two years for the resentment and painful memories to subside, and that is only if the wounds are not repeated! <P>**Short note on the i love you thing...h. just called to say he needed to go out with some people from work, would I mind covering for him with our son? (they have a scout mtg.) -- so I said sweetly, no, I don't mind at all, on one condition -- tell me what I need to hear! So he chuckled and said "I love you". Does it still count if you have to coerce it? Yeah, at least halfway.<P><BR>Lord, heal our hurts and painful memories. Lord, give us strength to live as your daughters and give love as you direct us. <P>Amen<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Lor, your statement "It isn't fair, but sometimes all the betrayer can do is offer his physical presence in the home & marriage, he just isn't capable of any more." is so true at my house right now. I too feel like a love starved kid most of the time. Although my H tells me "I love you" every day, sometimes I don't feel it from him. I'll keep praying that his hard heart be softened. Taj, I can really relate to the statement you made "Everyone around, family, most friends, and anyone else who has an opinion will just tell you to leave and cut your losses." I hear this all the time. My friends and family think I am nuts for taking him back, but I love him and want so much to save our marriage. It seems like the only person that doesn't tell me to dump him is my pastor. I take this as a sign from God to keep going forward and, KEEP PRAYING. Thanks to all of you for listening. Its so hard when you have no one to talk about the affair/situation to.

Wow! You guys are great and I do appreciate your encouragement. What you said about your friends and relatives telling you to cut your losses was something I couldn't relate to because only 2-3 people know about my H's affair. Two are great Christian friends who have prayed with me the other is my sister. (She doesn't understand.) My one friend was very angry with my H at first but then she said if I could forgive him, she should forgive him. So I am fortunate in that respect. No one is discouraging me for trying. We are also not receiving counciling. I went to one session and H did not want to go. I can back from the session with lots of questions for my H and he blew up like I have never seen him before. (You see we never fight. Part of our problem I guess.) I then received some council from my friend who is a minister's wife and has much experience with those with troubled marriages. She was great but recently diagnosed with breast cancer so we have quit my sessions as of late. At home, my husband acts as if nothing ever happened. Never wants to discuss it and life goes on as usual. That scares me because we never really discussed our needs or why he ever cheated in the first place - what needs weren't being met. When I asked him to go through the questionnaire, he said he wasn't ready. That was about a month ago so I might try again. I understand what you said about having to "ask" for it, Lor. I don't have to ask my husband to say "I love you", he is doing great in that area. But I have been doing LOTS for him as I mentioned and give him back rubs and lots of attention at night. I would love some of those touches and attention (and yes, even sex) and wasn't getting it. So I did ask for a back rub the other night making sure it was during half time of the game he was watching. With his back towards me, he reached around and rubbed my back slightly. It was not worth it. I said "nevermind" and "thanks". Why get it when his heart is not in it? So I got my book out and began to pray again. Each time I read I discover something new and praise the Lord. Sorry I am long winded, but as I said, no one else really knows about this and it is so great to have you all to talk to. Thanks! J

"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>Boy, do I cling to this verse! I want to give up so badly sometimes, feeling so empty and overwhelmed. Then he reminds me that I haven't suffered to the point of shedding blood nor does He give me anything I cannot handle. (glad someone has confidence in me!) In my early christian days, Satan would use Paul's words to "run the race" as a not good enough statement to me. Thank God the "grace" part finally sunk in! I think sometimes we as women take the verse "Be ye perfect as I am perfect" too literally and try to do things in our own power rather than in His. Or we spend so much time looking for the "way out" that we miss the blessing of the tribulation that is helping to refine us in His glory. I admire all of you for your openess and committment to grow in Him.<P>Which takes me back to chapter one..."God can resurrect the deadest of marriages, but it takes humbling ourselves before Him and desiring to live His way-forgiveness, kindness, and love. It means letting go of the past and all hurt associated with it and being willing to lose the argument in order to win the battle." <P>Father God-change me!<BR>