Tonight my H came home and told me he told his boss he would go to California to work. I can't stop crying. Oh God, why does he have to hurt me so much? <P>I don't have anyone else I can talk to. You ladies are my support, I feel like I'm being abandoned by him, just cast aside like a used dishrag. Even after Steve Harley told him that leaving for CA was not an option, he STILL chose to go. My tears just won't stop. It hurts soooo much. What ever happened to "and the two shall become one flesh". Guess David doesn't believe that. Of course he wouldn't, because he doesn't know God.<P>I didn't argue. I just sat there, tears streaming down my face, while he ripped my heart apart again. I began to sob hard, asked him if there was any way he could understand the excruciating pain he has given me, so he started yelling and yelling at me that he knew "all he!! would break loose when he got home and he never should have said anything, just went and left". That really helped me feel better, NOT. I told him softly to stop yelling at me, he did. I asked him to please understand how I feel, how hurt I am, how abandoned I feel. He started yelling at me again. He yelled at me "I told you I don't want to go either". So if he doesn't want to go, why did he say he would? He said his boss said to him today "David I really need you out there", I looked at him, and said <B>I need you David</B>. Why does this man not understand how much I love him? <P>Why, when he could clearly see how hurt and upset I feel, does he yell at me, and not even make an attempt to comfort me? I didn't yell at him, just cried harder. <P>Maybe I could have taken it a little better if he would have come home right after work, SOBER. No, he had to have his beer with his buddies. He is leaving on Wed., TWO days away. I am crushed. I can't help it, I don't want him to go. Please pray for me, I am so upset right now I can't pray for myself or him. Help.<BR>

Oh AW I wish I could take away your pain. I was so wraped up in mine that I didn't look at any of the postings. I'm so sorry. I wish that SueB were still up. She always has the answer's for everything. I have ICQ and we can chat. It always helps me when SueB is there. Maybe I can listen. My ICQ is 58753297. I will keep it open for an hour if you want to reach me. xxoo BabyDoll

Rootbeer,<P>Honey, take some deep breaths! Now try and calm down a little. You will get thru this. Lean on God now, it's what he wants you to do. (Matthew 5:4 "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.")<P>Maybe this is some wonderous work of God. To let David leave and realize what he will be losing. Try to look at this in that perspective. God needs to do work on David and He knows you are a fixer. This could be a way to give you some rest and step aside so He can do His work. I know how hard that is though.<P>(((((HUGS))))) and prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Thank you BabyDoll for listening. I just feel so sad. Here is my son's ICQ # 64082704, he opened it up so I can use it. I don't know how to use it but I'll figure it out. I praise God you're here tonight!<BR>

Couldn't sleep, guess there was a need to pray....<P>Well, my sister, there are a couple of ways of looking at this...<P>Possibility one:<BR>Steve Harley said the "can't" word, so the rebellious child said "watch me". <P>The courts said "have to" and the rebellious child said "wanna bet?"<P>Possibility two:<BR>A man's self-esteem comes from what he does, his work. The fact that his boss said that he really needed him in California, fills that need for admiration; after all the boss accepts his drunkenness and still needs him.<P>In the same vein for admiration, let's look in hubby's mind-hubby goes to church with you and in his mind that should have filled your love bank to the top at such a sacrifice...he still is the provider, he still comes home at night, gosh are you never satisfied? Can't you see the sacrifice he is making, going to California when he has told you that he didn't want to go but the boss needs him...if he didn't go, would the boss be tempted to replace him and then how would he support you, etc.......if he stays here, he is going to get thrown in jail and lose his job anyway. That won't feel good at all.<P>Possibility three:<BR>Reread Mitzi's post. Man, that girl has grown since she started posting! My guess is that two things may have happened in church, One, God touched him and he saw a piece of himself that he didn't like. Two, my guess is that he already knew he was going to California before he went to church with you. It was a peace gesture. You said in your post that he started changing after church, that you saw signs of discontent or something in him.<P>Please remember that David is running. David is running from God, from himself, ergo the drinking, from the law and it's mandates, from the consequences of his behaviors and the choices he made. My guess is that you are the best thing in his life and when he sees that he has disappointed you as well, then he climbs back into the running cycle.<P>As you know Rootbeer, you are not responsible for the choices he makes, only the ones you make. You have two days to try and gain control of the tears and be able to say to him, "I love you and don't want you to go, but I have to respect the decision that you are making as my husband. I have told you that I need you too and this is how I need you, 1, 2, 3, etc...." (does he know specifically how you need him? I really became aware of how I had failed my hubby in this area recently.) "It must be tough to be in the position you are in, feeling as though you must comply with your boss's wishes in light of my desires. I want to support you and encourage you. Tell me how I can do this. What would be helpful? How can I pray for you during this time?"<P>God's best is for your marriage to be healed and God is working on us as women to change us. We all have become aware of how we need to get out of the way and allow God to do His work in our husbands. When I searched the streets for my daughter, I knew God would protect her and He did. Will He do any less for David? He says He doesn't want anyone to be lost and wants all to come to Him. Like David in the bible said:<BR>"PS 139:7 Where can I go from your Spirit?<BR>Where can I flee from your presence?<P>PS 139:8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;<BR>if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.<P>PS 139:9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,<BR>if I settle on the far side of the sea,<P>PS 139:10 even there your hand will guide me,<BR>your right hand will hold me fast.<P>PS 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me<BR>and the light become night around me,"<P>PS 139:12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;<BR>the night will shine like the day,<BR>for darkness is as light to you."<P>And he said:<BR>PS 32:3 When I kept silent,<BR> my bones wasted away<BR> through my groaning all day long.<P> PS 32:4 For day and night<BR> your hand was heavy upon me;<BR> my strength was sapped<BR> as in the heat of summer.<BR> Selah<P> PS 32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you<BR> and did not cover up my iniquity.<BR> I said, "I will confess<BR> my transgressions to the LORD"--<BR> and you forgave<BR> the guilt of my sin.<P>I claim these verses for your David, knowing that God is just and fair and merciful and will hear your cries for your husband, knowing that when he is by himself, it gets darker and his mind dwells in those dark places. Our God is the light and whether he goes to California or lands in jail for contempt of the court order, God has a plan for good for David. They do have to hit bottom and be broken before the Lord can make them new and whole. I do have confidence that this is going to happen. I don't know God's timing but I know His faithfulness and His promises never fail.<P>Father, comfort your daughter this day and hold her tightly while she grieves this new development in her marriage. Father, please change her sorrow into joy, her cries of anquish into laughter, let your love surround her and pour over onto David. Let Your will be done in this situation. Let David get to the end of himself, so that You can lift him up and make him new in Christ.<P>Show us how to pray for David and Rootbeer, how to support Rootbeer through these changes and how to encourage and uplift her so that she too is blessed by this situation. we give You the glory for what you will do in this situation. IJN, Amen.<P>P.S. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Why, when he could clearly see how hurt and upset I feel, does he yell at<BR>me, and not even make an attempt to comfort me?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Remember, they don't know our love language. We have to specifically tell them what we need. We let our pride get in the way of getting our needs met. We have to say to them, "I don't need you to yell at me, I need you to hold me and tell me you love me and that this will be okay."<p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited April 25, 2000).]

AW,<BR>It hurts! I am so sorry. Sometimes it is so hard to understand? I guess you just have to trust God on this one, but I know it is deeply painful. It doesn't make sense, and that is when I know God is in it. He feels your pain and He is holding you gently in your arms. Turn to Him for comfort.<BR>Father, I left AW into your arms she is too anguished too move. Lord, comfort her nand keep her. Lord, you delight in her. <BR>I found Psalm 18:1-2 really inspiring today<P>I just meditated on it all they way to work<P>I love you. O Lord, my strength.<BR>The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;<BR>my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.<BR>He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.<P>notice how many my's ther are. He is all this and so much more to each of us. Praise the Lord.<BR>Aw I am praying for you.<BR>

I'm on icq too.... #66042259 Any time you need to chat and Im on line, give me a hollar!<P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

Dear AW, <P>Is this God working through us by the bad acts of our H's? Good question. Mine is snoring away in bed, our computer is next to him. <P>After H dropped his little bomb on me, I was stunned, shocked, grief-stricken, disbelieving, depressed, ashamed, and I can't write everything of the blackness I sunk into. Gradually I stated coming out of it, and went to talk to our pastor. I began praying the rosary, and followed pastor/priest's orders to find a confidante, get into counseling, get H to join me. He refused, ("I don't have a problem, but I'm worried about you.") <P>Used the crucified Christ as my meditation focus, but find the reverencing of Mary and the rosary most helpful. Just found this site - never thought of the Internet. Needed to talk, but have to be careful of our privacy. Prayer is helpful.<BR>Brings me closer to peace to talk to God.<P>Sue B and Mitzi, BTW, reminded me of the psalms. I was on a very cursory level w/God before. Now He gives me peace.<P>AW, I know it hurts. Let God handle it.<P>Sleep well.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited April 25, 2000).]

Thank you all so much. I'm feeling better. BabyDoll and Cozy have given me a great pep-talk on ICQ. You are all so special to me, and I appreciate so much the bond we have in this group. <P>SueB, everything you said makes perfect sense. He is running hard away from God. Yes, he did get ornery right after church, he had to stop at the store and buy more beer on the way home. As soon as we got home he started drinking. Yesterday and today he has been drinking a lot. He did tell me tonight that he understands how bad I feel about him leaving. I did tell him what my needs are. I was open and honest with him tonight. I told him I am afraid that he is going to hurt me again. He asked me what I want him to do so that I will trust him (he was angry when he said this), so I told him what I need. His total commitment to restoring our marriage. Him to stop going back on his promises. Him to hug me when I cry and not yell at me. Some good did come out of this "coversation" tonight in that he now knows how excruciating the pain of his affair, continued drinking and lack of respect is to me. <BR> <BR>I believe he knew last week he was going, but put off telling me for sure until the last minute. I think you're right, though, going to church with me was his "peace offering". He did not want to go, but surprised himself because he did enjoy it. Of course the enemy doesn't want that happening.<P>I have to somehow get my chin up, paste on a smile, and pack his clothes. I've got to get a grip. Do you think I should call the prosecutor and tell him David is going to be going to CA for an extended time period?<P>Thank you again for all your prayers and support. I'm feeling so much better now. The Lord will carry me through this trial too. I am so blessed to have such caring people praying for me. Love and prayers to all.<P>AW<BR>P.S. - I forgot to mention that he said I was a "good woman". What do you think that means? Also, his mother has told me on several occasions that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and thanked me for taking care of him and being his wife. What I told David tonight that I needed the most was for him to be open and honest with me about what is in his heart. He says he loves me. I asked him why do you love me? That's when he said I was a good woman. He said he loves me because I am a hard worker, keep the house clean, cook good meals. He loves what I do, but does he truly love me?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Alcoholic's Wife (edited April 25, 2000).]

Yes, AW, I do believe that the prosecutor should know that he plans to leave in two days. The prosecutor may put his fanny in jail and he won't be going to California after all!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He said he loves me because I am a hard worker, keep the house clean, cook good meals. He loves what I do, but does he truly<BR>love me?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Remember I was talking about love languages? What David identifies are acts of service, his love language is acts of service, so he goes to work, fixes things around the house, etc. and those are his way of telling you that he loves you. He hasn't learned what your love language is so that he can do those things that make you feel loved, cared about and affirmed. He is doing his love language and since it isn't your love language, he misses the boat and then feels unappreciated and not recognized as "trying". <P>Since I have become aware of what our respective love languages are, I am more sensitive to my H attempts to display both his and my love language and I think he now understands what I am saying when I show him mine instead of "his". I still need to figure out how to show my husband in his love language that he will recognize.<P>If you want, I will write out the 5 love languages so you can see where they fit for each of you.<p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited April 25, 2000).]

No, I don't think anybody is going to put him in jail. But we do have DV batterers programs here in California. He could fulfill that part out here. A little reprieve from the legal timetable out there.

No... I dont agree about calling to get him placed in jail. Your all talking about God needing to do some work on David. LET HIM DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO and not what we think we should be do. Or for that matter AW NEEDS TO DO. Let him work his miracles. Once you go to the law, there is no turning back. Pray this through carefully AW and let God keep you both safe and make this time a time for Christ.<P>xxoo BabyDoll

From what I understand, the prosecutor made David a deal, 6 mos. counseling in the Men's batterer program plus a fine and court costs, or 300 days in jail. If I read the letter right from David's atty. if he fails to finish the program he gets jail time. This offer was made to him to avoid a trial. A trial would be more damaging to him, since he has two felonies on his record, one is felonious assault. He has several other things as well, like public intoxication. No DWI though. The prosecutor told me if it went to trial he would be very tough on him, most and would push for 2 years in jail. Their is a trial date set for May 9 (I'm not sure what this is for) and David is supposed to appear. He told me his atty. is trying to get this postponed. I pray that God will intervene here, causing His perfect will to be done. <P>I don't know how to pray about this yet, except to pray that God's will is done. I pray that David is brought to brokenness, on his knees before God. That's all I know to do. Thank you all so much, I cannot express in words how much your support and encouragement means to me. I am trying hard not to cry today. I just love my H.

AW<BR> I'm writing this cause I feel the pain you are going thru...although my husband isn't leaving me...I know the pain that they can cause....My mother always says that God is working in our livies and I believe that....I also believe that sometimes God lets us fall flat on our face to show us that He can help and He is the only way...recently my husband was sent to jail for 3 days for battery and it's been a month now and he gets to come home on Friday....He is in counselling and I'm not sure if it's doing any good....but I keep praying that God will save him and show him the right path....I will pray the same for your husband....and also that God will give you the strenght you need to be strong in this moment of need....just remember God is doing his miracle and only he knows what He has in store for you and your husband....For some reason I have a strong erge to tell you....God is protecting you and will not let anything happen to you....I don't know what this means....but I pray the blood of Jesus over you that nothing may harm you or your child....God is watching over you and He wants you to trust in Him that He(God) won't hurt you.<BR> God Bless You

Rootbeer,<BR>{{{{{hugs}}}}}}<BR>I hope you are feeling better this morning. I wasn't on last night, usually get time at work, none at home. I too felt your pain when I read your post. I'm glad you were able to ICQ w/ some of the ladies.<P>You know you are in our prayers and our hearts. I am in agreement with what our sisters have said. Let the Lord to His work on David. This time will be very painful for you and your son, I'm sure, but you will survive it. You are a strong woman, and that is not always what we want to hear. David said you are a 'good woman', his mom thanks you for takig care of her son. <P>Hold on to that, and to the fact that GOD is aware of your hurt, and is working on David, we may not really see what is being done, be rest assured, he is working. <P>I pray for you, that you have added strength during this tough time. To recognize your worth, and continue praying for David to find our Lord. He will not be alone in CA, remember the prayer "Footprints" the Lord will carry him, as he will carry you. <P>Love and hugs<BR>Pookie.

AW,<BR>One of the images I use when I need to just give Guard to God is of Abraham placing his beloved son Isaac on the altar as a sacrifice. Abraham had waited so long for his son...but he did it. He put the boy on the altar and raised the knife. God intervened. He didn't want Isaac as a sacrifice, but He did want Abraham's complete obediance.<P>This may not be all about your H. God has his eyes on us as well.<P>Of course, I flunked obediance the first several times...still studying up on it...<P>Take care.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Well AW, he may be coming back from CA early to do his jail time. Depends on how good his lawyer is. In my experience courts and prosecuters are extremely lenient and flexible about timing, delays and renegotiations. Can't imagine them taking someone a few days early based on any plans. They may get a restraining order to keep him from leaving though. Go ahead and call the prosecutor. Holding someone accountable for following the law is an act of LOVE.<P>A trial would be interesting! Sounds like society as a whole has an interest in cleaning up David's act and protecting us all from him. This is not all about AW. Or all about David.<P>I feel resentful this morning that you have a husband you can love. I have not felt that way about mine since we were married. The only thing that has kept me here is commitment and gumption. This marriage business would be easier to press forward with if there were an emotion other than dependency involved. I would rejoice if H followed through on his promise to take a break from the relationship. I can even imagine loving an alcoholic. Some are happy drunks who get emotional and more open and honest under the influence. Mine just gets mean. And didn't get me a card or present for my birthday either.<P>Praying for you both. Love, K<P>

Oh Karenna, I am sorry you H didn't do anything for you for your b'day. I understand how hurt you must feel. My h usually "forgets" my b'day too. I have been there. One year at Christmas (after my daughter had moved out) we got up, opened presents, and there were none for me. Not even a card. I was so hurt. When my daughter lived at home, she would get me something. My heart hurts for you Karenna. Please don't feel resentful towards me, I don't know why I still love him after all he has done to me. I am too soft on him. You're so much stronger than I am. <P>I didn't call the prosecutor, but I did call the Women's Shelter and spoke to the Program Director. He told me that my H is scheduled to start the sessions on Tues. the 2nd. He is being notified of this today via phone with a notice in the mail too. If he does not appear, the Court will be notified. Then it is in their hands. He told me everything we talked about was confidential between me and him, I told him about the pending trip to CA. He said that will not be an excuse to get out of this, the court will hold him accountable. I am praying that the Lord take this out of my hands. David blames me enough already for all our troubles. I have to wait upon the Lord, and get out of the way.<P>Thank you for being here. <P>PS - forgot to mention earlier that my H's atty. is not a criminal atty, he is his boss's corporate atty. My atty. ate him for lunch during our divorce/custody hearing. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Alcoholic's Wife (edited April 25, 2000).]

AW,<P>I never really understood your whole story, but I got a good idea today by reading what you posted about your H David going to CA. I am amazed and awed by your love and compassion for others when you must feel like you are in the depths of despair at times. You are a blessing by God to people like me whose lives you have touched even though you are so torn apart yourself. I thank God for you and others like you who come here to boister other people's spirit when they are down. You truly are a blessing and a wonderful person. I know that God is working a great wonder in your life. Maybe right now you don't know where you are headed. I know that He is there with you every step you take. Be patient and wait for Him. My prayers are with you. Continue to be strong in your faith. God is with you. <P>Cindy