SueB
H doesn't want that person to fix my car, he's afraid its more involved than that person can handle. (replacing alternator)<p>He bought the alternator for my car, but he said it is a lot of work - and involved. He said I need to get it into a shop so incase something goes wrong afterwards it is warrantied - which made sense.<p>Maybe I'll get dressed today and see if I can find a shop to fix it. Gotta take one step forward, even if I don't feel like it? Yup.<p>This is a very small town - no such thing as cabs. I could've drove the snowmobile, though - but am glad I didn't - walk (even with bad foot) was better for me. I bundled up, and didn't get frostbit. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Gotta quote you a paragraph from Jan Silvias' book. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The reason you remain in turmoil is that you are trying to relate to someone who has some wonderful qualities mixed with a perplexing set of destructive characteristics. In the beginning you may have admired this person, but soon you found yourself mired in the chaos that seems to characterize the relationship. One minute you hear your own laughter, and you hope against hope that all is well. The next minute you're on the defensive in response to some inane comment or emotional jab made at you by this one to whom you are trying to relate. If you protest, invariably the person denies he has said or done anything inappropriate. In a few twist of the facts, he tries to convince you that you're a bitter person or just "oversensitive". When you have been labled with all other conceivable insults, there sometimes comes the appellation you hate more than any other: "crazy". It leaves you bleeding. What can you possibly do or say to counter that one? By the time the encounter is over, you are kicking yourself for even mentioning that you have feeelings.<hr></blockquote><p>Now does that touch anyone's intermost parts?

Sue B - yup that sounds familiar. Not entitled to feelings - need to be a piece of furniture in this relationship. <p>Just thinking again - (does somebody need to do something to keep me from thinking - not good for me?) You know, things seemed to be somewhat settled - or at least okay - until H went to work today. In retrospect, H didn't call to see if I went to work, he called to let me know he was going to snowmobile races - and he is doing it because I am bad. <p>sick.

Exactly dear girl! Punishment, punishment, and is that sick or what????!!! <p>So we are back to letting go and letting God. Thanks for the info about the races dear, son and I are going to do such and such......<p>by all means get that car to the shop, even if you have to hire a tow truck to get it there!

Yeah SueB, that quote *touches* me too...<p>I received a letter from a dear MB friend (I love this place -- I've made the BEST real-life friends) and I have been mulling it over for the last two weeks. In it, she asks how I really feel about my current H and my ex. I think she wonders because I write completely conflicting messages and still speak of my ex in sometimes-glowing terms, while admitting that he was an abusive personality. <p>Yet, here is my current H, the sweetest man, the most kind and gentle soul, who would never hurt a fly, and although I love him dearly, it's like he's not hurting me enough to give my whole self to; if that makes any sense at all. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yep, seeing a therapist, for I know I've got some MAJOR issues going on here... as does TnT... what a mess we are, eh?

You know what Sheryl - I have come to a realization in the last couple of days (yeah that is a dangerous time to come to a realization, huh?) anyway, I realize that I prefer physical pain/abuse to this emotional pain. <p>Now.....Analyze that! <p>(what a piece of work I am!)<p>I think the emotional ups and downs and length of time that you were in your first marriage - plus the fact that you produced a life-long cause for interaction (children) - sure will leave you emotionally connected - and that will go away time and with your healing from all that munipulation you have been on the receiving end from that X of yours. As you build for yourself your new life with your emotionally healthy new husband - more and more that X will be only a memory in a former life that doesn't affect you anymore. My X has been in that place in my mind now for quite a number of years. Just have as little contact as you can with your X, and limit it to a business type relationship that involves the logistics of YOUR relationship with your children. Just don't give him the opportunity to munipulate you or your life ANYMORE! Thank God he's not your responsibility! And the truth is, even when you were married to him, he wasn't YOUR responsibility - he was God's - but you didn't get a chance to learn that until now.<p>love you
TNT

Yes TnT, I hear ya... because the bruises heal eventually (usually sooner than later) but the emotional scars last a lifetime (or at least it feels like it).<p>You're right about both of us -- no analysis necessary. We're classic co-dependent enablers... <p>So, what do we do about that. Well, I guess like the 12 Step programs say -- admit, first, and then turn it over to our higher power. Problem is, I'm mad at my higher power, and I don't wanna <stomping foot>.<p>Blach, spit, spew... just in a poopie place today.<p>You sound better though -- stronger -- and that's WONDERFUL.<p>Love you too,
Sheryl

Tnt, Sheryl,
I've been reading and I feel so much for you two.<p>Sometimes when I think of the bad times and how my H was...I can't even give advice, because I didn't know what to do about him, I didn't know how to go on, I didn't know how to let go.<p>And I chose badly.<p>I often think the really good thing I did was POPW. I prayed for him. But it was up to my H to have the change of heart that God was pressing him for. Then it was up to me to find enough forgiveness and hope to try again.<p>My counselor told me that no, I couldn't trust my H at that point, the C couldn't ask me to, but I could always trust God.<p>I too was mad as a hatter at God when it seemed I would be the one to take the "blame" for our divorce.<p>But I took the step of trusting God...and I think He then started sliding my stubborn feet onto the path I was supposed to be on.<p>It's a good thing I'm not Lot's wife, because I would be stone many times over from looking back and wondering.<p>Hugs and prayers.

Hi Lor,<p>You sound so good, and for that I am truly happy! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Envious, but happy!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>TnT,<p>How are you today?<p>That letter I told ya'll about yesterday, the one from my MB friend -- I answered it this morning, and I'm whipped emotionally now. I had to face some stuff (BOY! She asked me some TOUGH questions! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ) and I am just on the edge of weepiness. Blach, I hate this!<p>Today is the beginning of the really ick stuff -- our rent's been raised... then I got a call from the bank about the one credit card we're both on... when are we going to pay?... I don't know... and so it begins... we've been sliding by until now... and the proverbial sh*t hits the fan this month... checks bouncing, bills hit three months late... our financial life is completely spiriling out of control. And not a thing can we do about it. I can't work, we don't have money for immigration, and he makes approx $1000 (give or take a few hundred) less than we need to live month to month. <p>Tick tock, tick tock... how long will I last?<p>I hope it's okay that I did a little mini-vent on your thread TnT. When will this poop end?

Hi Lor and Sheryl<p>Wow looking back - an analogy to Lot's wife - hit's home, doesn't it? <p>I'm doing much better. He called me back yesterday and apologized for getting on me again - and he was nice last night. It just helps sooo much.<p>Booked a trip to visit my kids in CA. That has me looking forward to something. H said maybe I need to buy 3 plane tickets a year - in advance, so I always have something to look forward to. Maybe that would help? I shouldn't be homesick after so many years living here - but maybe I am. I do know I have a new little granddaughter I would like to meet in CA. So I am glad I am going. <p>I'm doing better - out of crisis, anyway. <p>Love you
TNT

Sheryl - I just don't know how long those financial woes have to continue for you - God certainly knows the issues, I just don't get it. We are supposed to look at issues and decide if it is something we can change - change it if we can, and if we can't - accept it, but give it to God. I just can't imagine God ignoring your cries for help? I know God sometimes seems like he isn't hearing, but works behind the scenes - but I know how you feel - when it seems like he doesn't care. Just know that he does - just doesn't feel like it. <p>Don't panic - I know that it will work out somehow, someway - I will keep you in my prayers.<p>Love,
TNT

Good evening All,
Tnt, I am so sorry to read about this mess with h. I really wish your prayers would be answered and he would get a brain. Maybe just a couple cells would help? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I have never been able to understand my h when it comes to understanding my work environment. But I can clearly picture him with responses like your h's reagrding a permanent position. Perhaps they just cannot relate to another work situation than the one they are in? To foreign? Mine also likes to jump into the middle of the problems and 'tell me' just how to fix it all up. He does not suggest, he makes statements and demands and tells exactly what to do and say to whom! Amazing....
I have yet to find an effective way to deal with this problem. I must say that h is getting better since I started reminding him that we are different and do not have to handle things the same way. A gentle nudge seems to help him. And it definately makes me feel more respected as an individual.
Your h seemed to be doing good for awhile, now he is back into the LBs in a major way.
I dont think it is you TNT. Rather I think there are things going on in him that are causing him to react to you in this way.
It might be time to bring this to him and ask him to do some self-reflection?
And for TNT.....look ahead, pray, let yourself feel all the positive energy and love from everyone else. Take it in and move forward.
Things are hard right now, but there is a reason for it. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))) cl

Hi cl - thanks for responding. <p>I'll have to do an internet search and see where I can send him for brain cell supplement treatments. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Went to Dr. today. Not a good report, but at least I'm getting some help. Won't know about my thyroid until next week. My blood pressure is high. He'll try me on some Paxil and see if that starts to help me a little. Well, as far as sleeping goes - I told him that I went to bed around 5:30 this morning, but still just laid there and laid there and laid there. Not getting much sleep. Held my hand out for Dr. so he could see how I was shaking - he is concerned and told me to go to emergency room if my crying gets out of hand or if my heart flip/flops or surges again - in the meantime he wants to wait for my thyroid tests to come back. Don't know why he didn't do an EKG, though. oh well. I told him that I think I may have had little heart attacks within the last month - maybe as recent as New Years Eve, so again, he said if it does it again, go straight to the emergency room. I told Dr. that my sister is bi-polar, and does he think in any of this has to do with that? And he said that he was pretty confident in saying no.<p>H and I talked last night. That is a whole different issue - I'll update later - still kinda upset about that. <p>My main thing right now - is my health, and also - I'd like to get to a point where I don't want to be so emotional - so that I know that my emotions aren't 'reactive'.<p>Love you all
TNT

He agreed to take me to my daughters today, because it is a couple of blocks away from the snow-mobile races. 10 trailers fell through the ice, they postponed the snowmobile races. So he rounds up his family members and decides to go skiing instead. I can't ski - bad foot. So here I sit in this house again. He's been gone about 9 hours so far. I suppose they'll all go out for dinner, then he'll stay and watch a movie or whatever, and then he'll be home when he is tired enough to sleep. Some support. Narcisstic. I should just be glad that I don't have to argue with him.<p>I am still looking for some more comments, so I posted a thread on the recovery board. I'm just not sure where I belong anymore, anyway here is the link.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=005527

Good Morning TNT,
I just posted to you on the other thread.
What is going on with your health? Hmmm, I have a few ideas and I am sure you do.
I dont think bipolar is an issue with you tnt. But the doc is right to check your thyroid. Did they also check estrogen and glucose? I know you are not eating right, so hope he did a full panel.
Stop the caffeine and cut back on the nicotine.
Your h is being truly terrible right now. You are reaching out to him and he just isnt there-physically or emotionally. Was he ever there for you when you needed him? Or are you the glue that keeps things together? I know you can carry a lot tnt, I have been watching it for a few years! Maybe you are just getting tired of being atlas? It manifests itself with depression. Have you looked into the symptoms of seasonal affective disorder also? Perhaps that is another component of what is going on? I have a feeling that this is a multi-faceted problem?
Sending lots of positive energy and prayers your way. cl

TNT,
Good Morning, How are you? cl

Hi cl<p>Went to the endocrinologist today. Gosh, he's good looking. (warning, unmet needs here! haha) Anyway, my thyroid isn't real big - but it is over-active now, and he thinks it is definitely related to the stress. He said I'm doing all the right things for myself. He's going to have me fast and come back in for blood work and glucose. Gave me something to help me sleep. <p>Blood pressure was 144 over 77 last week, this week 134 over 68. I've lost 10 lbs since Christmas, 4 since last Friday.<p>I got my termination notice from work yesterday - last day is February 15. Going to CA on the 16th, and see the IC on 15th and family doctor on 15th. <p>H's lovebusting has gone down some, but still too much for me. Been crawling into bed just before he gets home from work so I can avoid listening to him, and pretend I'm asleep when he gets in so I can avoid him. <p>Our friend at the lake also directs choir and asked my husband to go last night. He originally said yes, but then must have got side tracked after his meeting last night and didn't go.<p>9 year old has thrown 3 fits since Christmas, because dad has made promise to take him with him and pick him up and then husband doesn't. That is unlike husband, usually our son and my husband are inseperable.<p>I'm hangin' in there. Thanks for asking about me, cl. <p>TNT

Dear TNT,
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough trial. I will be praying for you and your husband, that God will do a mighty work in your husband's life and your marriage. Keep your chin up sister, God is right there with you, and He will carry you through. Blessings to you,<p>AW

hi sheryl,
Hmmm, interesting take on the quote. Wish i had more time to respond. Guess it would start something like....excepting blah blah blah?
aloha, cl

Hi TnT,<p>
I tried to post sooner but lost my password. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Honey what does your H have to be such a jerk. I am glad you went and saw a doctor. As for the job well hang in there the tunnel is at the end. Just survive one thing at a time.<p>I agree your H has some serious issues. I got so tired of Tony abandoning me as well. He has so many excuses. All I know TnT is your H's actions do not show any ounce of love and respect. Have you found out where the money went? As soon as you are finished with your job better start looking after your assests.