Hi everyone - I guess this place was a ghost town, but we are still around here but just not as often, huh?

Just thought you'd all want to hear an update from me, and I know I would like to hear an update from you!

Post 'em here!

Okie dokie, let's see - where am I on updating you? 1) Job - still no job since working at the college 2) House - we are moving as we speak 3) X-wife that moved 2000 miles from CA to MN to live down the street from us - moved into town and we hired her husband to plumb our lake house 4) OW - since the karaoke incident, just a couple of run-in's in and out of parking lot and store 5) Step kids - have a wonderful grandson from younger step daughter, and stepdaughter graduated, her mother and I threw a party for her, and now she is registered for 14 units at the college this fall! yes! other older step daughter, the diabetic, is PG and going to have a baby boy this week - and is doing well. 6) kids - my daughter and her husband have split up, and she would like her marriage restored - and he has a live in girlfriend - so I am hoping she'll come here and get some great support All other kids doing well, new grandaughter going to get baptized in CA in fall - I may take trip out there 7) health - need to radiate my thyroid but am putting it off

This week we are moving to the lake house. It isn't quite ready, so I rented a semi-trailer to store our stuff in while we rough it at the lake. We got our house sold to a really nice couple. They want posession of it on Sat, so I want to stay here till Fri night.

Marriage: Our marriage is stronger than it ever was, but we still don't treat each other with enough respect, in my opinion. I need to work on that more. Also, if I had a job it would make my husband feel much more secure about our future. I applied for 4 jobs last week, to no luck. Not even an interview.

Makes me wonder if the VP at the college is giving me a bad reference. If that is so, then I would love to know that - because I'll get rich from suing him! haha

New Beginning, LW, Paha, and all others - post your updates here, okay? You too, samantha.... Lor, cl, dancer, all of you - post 'em!

Love ya
TNT

Hi TnT (and anyone else who drops by!),

My update, I'm afraid, is not good.

We've all joked about my being a drama queen and all, and it seems to me that for whatever reason, my adult life has been one of pain and sacrifice, with a few wonderfully happy moments. There are reasons, and I haven't figured out the "whys" of them. I'm trying though, and trying to look to God (very difficult), and trying... just trying.

Immigration has come to a standstill- a direct result of 9/11. What normally takes 45 days is now nearing 6 months. I am no closer to working, to getting health coverage, or anything else.

We are sinking financially. What used to be the possibility (bob and weave until I can work and then pay the creditors) has now become a game of survival until my H can file bankruptcy, which can't be done until immigration is clear - quite the Catch 22.

Half the time we can't eat. I'm not making this up, exaggerating or anything else. We've had to do our laundry in the bathtub at times and hang it to dry. We've sold everything that's worth value, except for my engagement ring. It's gonna go soon if things don't break. It's very bad.

I went to CA in June, for three weeks. I was house and doggie sitting for my parents. I had an AWESOME visit with my kids (my oldest turned 21 this week, I can't believe it!) and with my grandmother, sister and parents. I was pampered beyond belief, and came back to Canada with a renewed spirit. It was however, a spirit that got crushed pretty darned soon after arriving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As I'm fond of saying, I could go on and on. I won't.

What I'm wrestling with now is: Do I go back to California, either temporarily or permanately. I have to ask myself if that means the end of my marriage ~~ to a man I'm deeply in love with, I might add. Maybe that's my *new* sacrifice -- and his. I honestly don't know.

I have been thinking about everyone here so much. Wondering how Paha is doing with the pregnancy, how LH is doing with the biz and how you, TnT were feeling. (If I forget names, forgive me, I care for all of you, but these names pop out in my head).

I don't come to MB much anymore, maybe once a day to kinda lurk and see if there's anything that reaches into my soul. Occasionally I write, but usually I don't. I spend most days on my second wives site, and have become very active there (duh! did you guys even wonder if me and my big mouth would become the sites newest drama queen? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). I have met some wonderful ladies, and I have to say my friends, they too have been wonderfully supportive. Several of the ladies even got together and sent us some money -- enough to pay one month of our back rent (we were 3 months behind and on the brink of being kicked out on our hineys).

So, I have been blessed, even among all the crud.

Okay, there you have it, whether you really wanted to hear it or not (self defacing humor is my way to cope)...

Much love to all,

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Sorry to hear that things aren't going very well for you, NB. My prayers for a good ending to your problems. TnT, your family sounds great.

My update, M work going very well, H is wonderful, supportive and patient while I am going thru a pretty bad state of depression, as it turns out. I kept wondering what was wrong with me, I have been trudging along, no joy, just going thru the motions. Voila! I have depression. IC says cuz all the backwash from the stress of the past year has finally come from behind to affect me. Makes sense, I've been working in "fight" mode for a long time now to keep family together. Now that M is in good recovery, I don't have to be in a panic state anymore. So just when all should finally be calming down, I have to deal with this. H is meeting my needs now, while I am mostly unable to meet his top 5. But its ok, he says he is here for the long haul and will support me like I have supported him so many times in our M. I thank God for this turn of events.I know this will pass too in Gods time. C

I just thought I'd say that my update is on the "Just enough light" thread.

I'm doing better than ever, but alas the marriage is not. He has been living with the other woman now for almost a year.

I miss everyone and you are in my prayers and thoughts

hw

It's so good to see some updates! Sheryl, I've often contemplated sending you some chocolate syrup for some comfort food, but I have visions of it leaking all over other people's mail. The powder just doesn't make an adequate chocolate milk! I hope slimfast was the first item you junked when you pared back on the budget. Nasty stuff that slimfast! hw, so glad to hear you graduated and got a job. I really enjoyed the weekly prayers you used to do. tnt, I hope your new place at the lake will clear your slate for even more good things to come your way.

Ok, here's my recap and update. Asked for separation last October. Took three months and him leaving three different times before it stuck. He's had a place of his own since January 26th. Amazingly, my opportunities for self employment blossomed within weeks of his leaving. Unfortunately, my interest in my work had withered away, and it was all I could do to keep up with what knocked on my door. Mountains of debt racked up during the 5-year downward spiral of the marriage. Had I known my H would be so "absent" when it came down to the nitty gritty, I never would have lived on borrowed money while the business was building up. We filed for bankruptcy in June and it should be complete in another month.

I don't know if the business will survive the bankruptcy or not. To compound matters, I developed a fear of answering the phone while creditors were calling and I was trying to convince my H that he needs to contribute more than 20% of our monthly budget needs. It's amazing that I have a business at all, but it seems to have taken on a life of its own and I can make ends meet now. I feel like such a dufus thinking that my H would step up to the plate in the time of need. Red flags were there from the beginning, and I turned a blind eye to them. At this point, I believe he has a personality disorder. That is speculation on my part, since he refuses to seek counselling of any kind. Heck, he won't even get his eyes checked and he's half blind. I will be forever grateful to SueB for mentoring me two years ago. She told me about burdens, setting them down, and not to carry burdens that don't belong to me. I've come a long way since I posted here the first time.

My H threw me off balance on July 12th when he said some kind words to me. He would give me silence or critical remarks, but never a kind word for the longest time and no effort toward reconciliation. He's been living without a stove or a refrigerator all this time, even though he's welcome to take either of our two refrigerators here at the house. He's a very thin man and he got even thinner after moving out. Since then, he's built up what I call his "food network". Four different households bring him food so he won't starve. He has no hot water because he's convinced the place will blow up if he gets the gas for the hot water heater turned on. He comes here once a week to do one load of wash and take a shower. I don't know if he takes cold showers at home or if he bathes just once a week. On one hand, I see positive things. He's made new friends, renewed his interest in music, and somehow seems to manage on a paltry wage. On the other hand, I see his dysfunctional lifestyle continuing, and I want no part of it. The man isn't rational, and there's not a dern thing I can do about it.

I can accept him the way he is, but only from a distance. For too long I shouldered responsibilities that belonged to him. I won't do that again. He treated me with callous disregard and neglect. My time of celibacy is 9 1/2 years now. I'll tell you what ladies, part of me was in a coma for a long time, and it's coming back to life and I have no outlet! Excuse me while I let out a primordial scream and bang my head against the wall! I've kept a very low profile and enjoyed a time of solitude over the last six months. Being self employed at home through the internet leaves me a bit isolated. Now I feel like I've had enough time alone. I visited a friend in Houston last weekend and had a great time. I confided my amount of time that I've been celibate. It was a secret I had never told a real life friend. Such an ultimate rejection is so incredibly painful. I had hoped that telling someone would make the pain hurt less. Hasn't worked out that way, but maybe with time it will. I've kept myself on good behavior by keeping myself isolated. Further isolation will be detrimental, but these raging hormones are sure to get me in trouble.

Beyond that, I have difficulty getting my H's voice out of my head. He would tell me how I don't have what it takes, that I'm undisciplined, that I'd be nowhere without him. I believe his ugly words smothered my self esteem, self confidence and the love for my work that I once had. I also find myself reacting with surprise and disbelief when someone pays me a compliment or gives me kind words. These are the effects of a dysfunctional marriage and emotional abuse. I had hoped to be fully recovered by now, but it will take more time.

Things are getting better all the time, and I find contentment each every day. The garden looks just as good as it did when H took care of it. I CAN mow the lawn, thank you very much (he said I wouldn't ever get that mower started, let alone push it through the grass). In fact I LOVE mowing the lawn. I joined the flylady.net list in April, and my house gets cleaner and tidier every week. I do my level best to be a good steward of what I have. Good things come my way on a regular basis. I hope that means I'm on the right track.

Hi Everyone,

I really debated long and hard about posting. The last time I did I practically killed the board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think the best thing to say is that things are going. Not great but not awful. But honestly I think Sheryl needs us more than anything.

Sheryl, Please look towards God. I had stopped looking at him and looked what happened to me! Honey you need a big old hug. (((((Sheryl))))

Please God hear my prayer. Sheryl needs you now. I know my sins cause me to separate from you but please listen to me. God help Sheryl and her H see their way through this finacial difficutly. They married for good and bad...currently there is a sea of troubles. As you lifted Peter from the ocean lift them. I know God you have nothing but glory for Sheryl and her H. Please God put Sheryl's immigration on the fast track and help them open their eyes to all the options before them. Plus please dear God save the marriage.

In Jesus name I Pray!

Oh, my DEAR, DEAR Paha! Honey... thank you for the prayer!!!!! Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!!!!

So PLEASE... tell us how you are! How is the baby? Are you OKAY??

I have missed all of you so very much. Like I said, I've spent most of my time on the other site, and although I do come here daily to check on friends, it's just not the same -- you know what I mean?

Just know, I love each and every one of you...

God Bless ALL OF US!

Sheryl,
Are you going to send me an email, or are you going to make me dive into my old computer that's so slow I don't know how I ever got my work done with it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new_beginning:
<strong>Immigration has come to a standstill. I came back to Canada with a renewed spirit. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What part of Canada are you living in?

LH,

Darlin, check your email. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Slappy,

You ol' Ladies Prayer Warrior you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm in Ontario.

We have been working with the local MP's office, and they tell us that we may have made things worse by involving them. Immigration is one of those "Can't fight City Hall" gov't agencies, and they are bigger than life and won't be pushed.

We have been told, tongue in cheek of course, that immigration tries to starve you out, and if you make it, you get to stay. I believe that.

So, you have an idea about something????

Spill, friend!

*By the way, since you DID drop by - HOW ARE YOU?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new_beginning:
<strong>Slappy,

You ol' Ladies Prayer Warrior you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, I don't know how I ended up over here. I think I found this thread through Active Topics.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm in Ontario.

So, you have an idea about something????

Spill, friend!

*By the way, since you DID drop by - HOW ARE YOU?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm okay.

I don't really have any ideas. W went through Immigration years ago. I just finished my sponsorship obligation for her last November.

Involving your MP might be helpful if your MP is a member of the government, but who knows?

I just read your post saying that you sometimes don't have food to eat and that you're doing laundry in the bathtub. If you'd been here, in Vancouver, I was going to see if there was anything I could do to help, even if it was to invite you over to have dinner and do your laundry.

W and I have been completely broke in the past too. (She got pregnant almost immediately after she became a permanent resident so I was the sole breadwinner for way too long)

Anyways, I know what it's like. It completely sucks. I hate to see other people in that position.

Hope your Immigration stuff works out okay for you. Take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Slapnuts:
I just read your post saying that you sometimes don't have food to eat and that you're doing laundry in the bathtub. If you'd been here, in Vancouver, I was going to see if there was anything I could do to help, even if it was to invite you over to have dinner and do your laundry.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ohmygosh, aren't you just a doll! Thank you for the thoughts... and tell Pam thank you too, by proxy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm glad everything is going "okay" for you guys... please feel free to drop by with an update any time. I've thought of you guys often.

Take care!

Aw, Sheryl, I'm sorry. I pray strength, perseverance, clarity & hope for you.

It is nice to see the names on this thread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I popped over because I sent someone here.

Update for us...is great. My bookstore is the best job in the world. Guard's job changed in Nov, he's very stressed and over-busy, but, he HAS a job, and even though military, he's not in a slot that would mobilize, though he really wanted to go with a former unit to Bosnia for a year. And, as we discussed it, I gave the decision to him, no more of the ole controlling Lor. Or at least less <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . His superiors want him where he is, so no mobilization. And I'm ok with that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . But forest fires (4 in nearby populated areas so far this summer), protecting Mt. Rushmore, and higher alert levels all affect & add to Guard's work.

We've been out of counseling about a year. Guard has become one of the FOW's supervisors, but if she has issues, he sends it back down the chain. I'm as usual, really looking forward to those 2 Xmas parties with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . One of the reasons I'm working out 2-3 times a week! Oh, and for my health too. I rarely see the FOM, only in his drive-bys (lives nearby my store). He waves. "No contact" achieved.

My daughters are both in high school. Well-behaved, academic, play in orchestra, run long distance, and of course gorgeous--at least their momma love's em. My older daughter's relationship with Guard has much improved, she was never openly rebellious, but just flat-out cold to him. Lotsa prayer on that one.

We took the girls to Mexico in August, had a wonderful family vacation, so much fun, good bonding. Guard & I go to a Tampa Bay Bucs & St. Louis RAms game in Tampa 9/23 with another couple that stayed friends with us both through all the separations--gotta love the compassion--and endurance--of that. And they like Margaritas too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I'm looking forward to getting away with my H & the other couple will keep us from totally getting on each other's nerves. Cuz, that still happens, though not nearly like it did before the bad times, and through.

Can I say it? We're happy. We're recovered. Praise God.

I still hang at the Recovery & GQII forums mostly. I just posted earlier that for me it is a pay it forward deal. I can never repay the MBers who helped me, I mentioned TNT, FHL, Terri, Samantha, but I see more right here on this list. And Wassi, cl, Lizpearl, Peppermint, taj ... someday I really should make a list. It's on my heart, I just can't read it with my 42 year old eyes?

Thank God and thank God for MB.

Hi Girlfriends,
so good to hear how everyone is doing. I too haven't been here much, but had this urge to check in.

How am I doing? Well, I am still married but God is taking us on a wonderful (hubby doesn't think so)Hubby lost his job 3 months ago and is in shock that he hasn't been immediately scarfed up by someone requiring his talents. He had a minor heart attack whh resulted in angioplasty and tons of new expensive medications. COBRA insurance is over $700/mo. but God in His faithfulness gave me a new client for my web business which has kept us afloat so far. We have been fixing up out house to get it ready to sell before we lose it, as Hubby has not been financially responsible and it will go on the market in a couple of days. Hopefully the market will continue to move swiftly on this house...pretty funny though when I wanted carpet for the house we couldn't afford it, so now the house has all new carpet and new paint in every room and all the things that were broken and couldn't be fixed are now fixed.

H is still mad at God and you can watch and see God tightening the reins around hubby...and I mean that not so much as God is putting him in a corner but more of allowing things to fall apart around him so that he can see his need to get right with God. H won't ask God nor will he pray; just continues to complain because I won't fix all his problems.

My physical health has deteriorated and medical issues are such that I cannot do things as before and I am in a lot of pain frequently so I cannot rescue the world...a whole new place for me to be in...LOL... to be served instead of serving and that is a difficult chair to sit in! Our bible study group has been very supportive including a couple of men having dinner with hubby telling him that he was immature..of course that isn;'t what hubby told me they said...the original issues of our relationship remain...sigh

Overall, though, the world is falling around us and I feel safe in the arms of the Lord. There has been one fiasco after another regarding our moving back to my property in WA and I have felt peace throughout it.

Don't know where the Lord is leading us but I am following. LH, you were an encouragement to me. I am so grateful that God put me in a place to be able to encourage you so long ago....TNT, pretty exciting to hear all that is going on in your life, Sheryl, will keep you in my prayers, though I must tell you that I do not believe that God is expecting you to make some kind of sacrifice regarding your gift of a husband. Since I am moving, need you gals to use **edit** as the standard address. I would like to hear from you Sheryl. Hugs everyone.

Hi SueB,
I'm so glad to hear from you. There's a special place in heaven for you, and I wish you could have a bit more heaven-like circumstances right here and now. I just got back from a 10-day trip. Imagine, a person who's been in solitude for most of this year travelling with 100 other people in a foreign country for a week. Sensory overload to the max!

The trip home took 18 hours of travel, and nothing short of divine intervention got me home on schedule. There was fog, short connection times, 3 customs officers handling 3 huge planes arriving all at once, security officers telling me to take off my shoes. It's a miracle I'm at home right now. It's a tremendous blessing that I had the opportunity to travel as I did. Now I'm ready to start the next chapter and figure out what it's going to look like.

I am thankful once again for this forum. As I was in a huge airport yesterday trying to figure out where my next gate was, I distinctly heard a guiding voice. I would have missed my connection had I not heard that voice. Some of you here know how I've had difficulty with this. SueB, thanks for posting your new email addy. You are precious to me.

<small>[ September 29, 2002, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: lonesome heart ]</small>

Hi from Lizpearl!

It is great to see these updates. We are still doing really well.

We've had a couple of necessary contacts with OW, and God really helped me stay calm and 'classy'.

In many ways, the A seems like forever ago, and I guess that is part of the healing.

You all were such a wonderful support, and I will be forever grateful.

MB hugs,
Lizzie

I know I am pretty much a threadkiller, but this is ridiculous!

more update

Hi Karenna,
I've opened this window several times to make a response and found a loss for words. It seemed you were overcoming the odds of past abuse and making a successful marriage. It saddens me greatly to hear of your latest development.

With the exception of the last two weeks, I too have felt tremendously better since separating from my H. Seems I have some more grieving to do. Thought I'd been there done that already. I'm a slow learner I reckon. Gotta repeat the lesson.

My H is also living a spartan life. No frig, no stove, no hot water. I offered a frig once again last month, but he said it wouldn't fit through the door. Whatever! My flawed thought process must be raising its ugly head again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'll be glad for the day when I can no longer hear him in my head with his daily barage of criticisms, stonewalling, and disparaging remarks.

Karenna, you're one smart, tough lady. Your post sounded like you were leaving a door open toward reconciliation. What do you think your H will do?

I am afraid he may go postal. Once he decides there is no hope for him anything could happen. I think he may have spiked a friend's tires some time in the last week. I am drafting the Marital Settlement Agreement today, to get him to sign before he goes off the deep end.

Meanwhile, I will try to smooth things over a bit. Yesterday he confronted me with more interrogation/veiled accusation. I told him he does not have a husband's privileges to get such information, he hasn't earned it back, nor is he my confessor. Then last night I had to pretty much force him out of the house again. He wanted to argue and hang around.

I have to make nicey-nice somehow now, or risk real violence or a court fight, or both.