Hi Nonplused,<P> Agree , agree agree!!!...and very well said! There is so much word crap out there, the ever popular "soulmates" comes to mind!!! My H said there was something "missing" in our marriage... (how about a commitment and monogamy?!!!)......Lu

Hi Lu, and thanks. After I wrote that I thought maybe it was more of a rant than anything.<P>I'm with you on the "soulmates" thing. I'm going to need somebody to define that word for me before I understand what they were saying. As far as I can see it means "the person I am in love with". The only people I have seen use that word mean "you are not it" when they say it. They don't really say what it is, I don't think they could, because it would turn out that maybe you didn't really do that bad of a job. Once a word has a positive definition (what it is) then it becomes easy to evaluate what was meant and how things measure up. If the word only has a negative definition, (what it is not), then the word is only useful to conceal. So far the only definition I have seen of "soulmate" is "you are not it", with the possible corollary of "he/she is".<P>I also agree with the part about "what is missing". Ok, what is missing then? "Something?" What "something"? I can't be just "something". Either something is missing, or nothing is missing. But if it is something, let's give it a name. What is missing? But here again you run the problem of definitions. Once we know what we are talking about, however trivial or significant, we can start to negotiate and resolve the problems. It could be as simple as "I want to play pool and drink beer with my friends on Tuesday after the kids go to bed, but you always give me a fuss" to as serious as "I want more affection". Either way it is there and both people can talk about it. But if it's just "something", no conversation is possible, which is exactly what the person who said it was trying to achieve. How can you respond? "I'll give you more "something" then!" "I'll get better at doing something for you!" "I'll get some something counseling!" "Just tell me how much more something you want, and I'll give it to you!" It sounds so ridiculous our brains won't let us think it. (If you're brain did think like that, you'd have your own Sienfield show. Mind you, after watching a few divorces and living through one, I believe I have the material for a good couple of seasons.)<P>So, let's let all the "soulmates" find out what was "missing" and get back to us.<P>I can't really say too much about "commitment" and "monogamy", those words have pretty specific definitions. Maybe that's the problem. These poor people don't understand what any words mean, so they attach equal significance to good words and silly words alike.<P>Time to draw a line in the sand. Let your words match your actions, or I shall evaluate your actions only. Your words shall become the "double edged sword" with which you slay yourself.<P>(Personally, I don't know how much of the "Christ" story to believe, but he has a lot of good quotes. I like the "double edged sword" a lot, although I am using it a bit differently. Words always cut both ways, and the more we try to hurt with them, the more we hurt ourselves.)<P>Just for fun I looked up "Soul Mate" in my "Microsoft Bookself" program. Here are some of the highlighted synonyms (no definition was provided): <P>Under friendship:<BR>Close friend, fast friend, happy family, comrade, drinking companion<P>Under Loved One:<BR>Loved one, darling, spouse, favored suitor, fiancée<P>But also under Loved One:<BR>mistress, leman, concubine, kept woman, dangerous woman, femme fatale<P>So, from now on, I think we can all safely assume that when some cheater says "She's my soulmate", he means "She's my dangerous mistress."<P>Whew. That was a rant too.<BR>

nonplused,<BR>I think your analogy with leaving a job was a good one. Hardly anyone who is depending on their job for a living even considers leaving unless there is something that seems better to go to. <BR>Awhile ago, I asked on this board whether anyone knew of any long term marriages that had ended for reasons other than infidelity, physical or substance abuse, and got very few responses.<P>mrrlk,<BR>Once the affair starts, I don't think the betrayer can clearly view how well his/her needs had been met. Self-justification will of necessity cause them to view the marriage in a negative light. <P>I found it interesting that almost all the reasons my H gave for leaving after he left were things he had never mentioned before. Yet he of course had complained about various things over the years - yet he mentioned almost none of them as reasons for leaving. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited December 01, 1999).]

Nonplused - Thank you, and Bravo!!! Your observations are very astute! I couldn't have said it better myself!!

There is a pretty decent book called "Uncoupling" about why relationships end. Their premise is that the end of a relationship almost always is predicted by the initiator keeping a secret. The initiator may or may not have told the other person about their unhappiness. For one reason or another, the person being dumped has not addressed the concerns. The initiator may have complained for quite some time, and if their calls for help have gone unnoticed, may simply give up. At this point, they silently and in little ways start thinking about life without their current partner. This pretty much summed up my experience. Many, many times I had told my ex how much his criticism hurt me. We went to counseling for awhile. Nothing changed. I went to counseling for a year by myself, thinking it all must be in my head. Soon after I ended my counseling, I decided I wanted to go back to school full-time. In retrospect, I was unconsciously starting to make moves to leave my husband, even though consciously I felt I still loved him very much. At this point, he could have quite easily restored my faith in him by being supportive. But he didn't do that. Although he never told me he didn't want me to go, his increased anger and accusations for about 1-1/2 years prior to me going said it all. I even offered to not go, but he wouldn't hear of it. Seems he had a secret too. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was possible to have feelings for anyone but my husband, and go so far as to cheat on him. The signs were there, though. My H and I didn't have a relationship where I could talk to him about my feelings without him getting angry at me, for whatever reason. He told me after I confessed that he didn't trust me before he married me, although I had been completely faithful to him and hardly went anywhere without him during our courtship and prior to my confession (8 years total). I didn't have the courage to leave him. I wasn't looking for a replacement. Even after my divorce, I've never contacted the OM and I haven't entered another relationship with anyone else. Looking back, I think I was desperately unhappy, didn't know how to fix it, and cheated because I knew my H would leave ME and I wouldn't have to leave HIM. In a twisted way, I thought it would be easier on him if he could blame me for the end of our marriage. And it has been. He's moved on quite easily, is dating pretty successfully, and has a job he really likes from what I understand.