I found new love messages between my wife and the OM. They profess how attractive each other is. How they miss one another and wished they could spend more time together. The OM actually initiated it. I guess he's not getting any at home and wants a roll in the hay again. I am sickened by all this. <P>For some reason, I have been holding on to hope in the face of adversity. I thought that just maybe my wife and I could make it through this. I thought our history together would over shadow anything that would come between us. I thought I could be the man she always wanted. I thought our kids would grow up with both my wife and I in the same house. I thought if I cherished my wife, as I have for the past year, that maybe she would copme to see that our love would last. I'm a fool.<P>I was wrong. Infidelity is a monster. It gobbles up the lives of innocent children and spits them on the betrayed spouse. I no longer see any good in my marriage. I see a wife who can lie to me and deceive me without a second thought. <P>I'm still baffled by her actions toward me. Sometimes she affectionate. Sometimes she compliments me. She talks about our upcoming trip this winter to the mountains and our plans for next summer. And yet she holds this OM close to her heart. Our 21 years together means less than her 1 year with this man. This relationship born out of dishonesty and distrust. <P>No I haven't had my appt with my counselor yet, that is coming up later this week.<P>I can't stand living like this anymore. I have come to the conclusion that she will stay married to me and keep a boy friend on the side. What kind of life is that? <P>After our planned vacation over the holidays, I'm going to tell her to get out. She won't so I suppose I probably will have to. I regret the damage this will do to our kids. Their lives will be crushed. They think mommy and daddy are doing fine. Wait till they find out mommy has a boyfriend. I hurt for them. I kiss them good night and I think how many more days until their life is destroyed?<P>I'm not going down without a fight. I wife has entrusted me with all our finances. She has no idea how much money we have. I'm comtemplating moving funds so they will be hidden in the case of divorce. <P>I'm just so freaking angry and hurt right now. I want to call the OM's wife. I want to hurt the OM. I want my wife to feel some of the pain I have been experiencing for the past year. I want this freaking nightmare to be over. <P>I guess some marriages just aren't meant to be. <P>SHA

I'm so sorry, infidelity to marriage is what cancer is to the body.<P>Are you sure they are physically involved or/and intensely emotionally involved?<P>If push came to shove, are you sure your wife wouldn't give the OM up?<P>If you D, will you go for custody? If so, really think before you leave your house. <P>If you can tough it out for the kids, maybe you can really force a choice...and if she chooses the OM, then you could stay in the house without you having to leave your kids.<P>I'm so sorry, just be careful not to let your fury come before the best decsions and sequence of events for those precious kids.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I say call the OM's wife! DO IT! <P>And remember, I am speaking from both sides. <P>I was contacted by the W of the OM, although the affair had been over for months. I apologized for the pain I'd caused, although I know full well that her H caused half of it. No matter. I was repentant, which helped, I think. When my H had his series of affairs, one H contacted me (god, it hurt, but necessary to bring the affair out into the open) and I initiated contact with another of the OW (she apologized to me, which, again, helped). <P>There is no better deterant than getting right smack in the middle of the thing - since she won't end it. Another matter altogether if they had STOPPED, but <B>they haven't</B> and all's fair in love and war.<P>Do what you need to for your sanity. Best wishes to you...<P>By the way, you're a good guy!<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!! <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 30, 1999).]

I see the mirror in your post, give up, roll over and die. This is not worth the suffering that you endure. Curse God and die.<P>Job:2:10: But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.<P>You are definitely receiving the evil. To work so long and hard to be drug back down and kicked on top of it.<P>I'm glad of some of the things you said, about seperating and giving yourself some time. Plan B may yield some results. Plan P will do even more for you. (prayer) As far as leaving the kids, I know I can not. She would not want to and you said your W will<BR>not. This may be the real hard part. Hold on to your kids SHA, let her go. Maybe not divorce, but let her go. You're giving yourself to God, do the same for her. You can't fix her. He can. The only one that can.<P>I want to jump up and down and scream for you. Partially because I see this happening to me, possibly. I do not know of anything different that I can do in mine that you have done in yours. You have done it all.<P>Again the tantrum rises. I don't know how to help SHA other than tell you I'm still praying for you. Hopefully God will inspire someone her to say something to help you.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

SHA<BR>I am so sorry!<BR>This is the thing we fear most of all and many of us have been through.<BR>You have a right to be angry but hang on for yourself.<BR>I will not give advice because you've known me long enough to know what it would probably be.<BR>This is that feeling of the bottom dropping out of your world. You've felt it before and survived. How many times have we felt it? Too many.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>and prayers.<BR>Take some deep breaths. Vent here. I know This feeling too well my friend. <BR>Try to feel the prayers directed your way OKAY!!<BR>FHL always has the right questions. Listen to her calmness and try to borrow some of it. She has helped me do that many times. Slow down and try to think about the perspective of this.

I'm so sorry SHA.<P>But as one who has been there--H has rekindled at least 3 times with OW, he's moved out 6 times. He now seems like a new person. Will the icky guy return? Maybe...but I hope not.<P>My advice? Confront her now with as few LB as you can. Burst her bubble. She has both of you. You can't MAKE her give him up, but you can tell her it is not acceptable to you. THis is not a new problem, this is the same old problem re-surfacing. It just hurts more because of the hope that has gone on in between. Decide what you want. It sounds like you are able to make some decisions.<P>Make your plan. Maybe Plan B. Or check out DIVORCE BUSTERS by Weiner Davis if you haven't already. <P>You can do this if you choose to, but I totally understand if you cannot. I got pretty shaky these past weeks before my H came home...for #6 try...<P>God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

SHA,<BR>All hope is not gone. Until she makes things final via divorce and remarriage, there is always hope because God is in the mix. Just allow Him to continue to use you. He will let you know what He wants you to do concerning your marriage.<P>He has asked me to continue to love my W which I do gladly because I love Him.<P>Hang in there as long as He gives you direction to do so. MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

no no no no no<P>DO NOT LEAVE!!!!<P><BR>Hope didn't walk out the door, addiction walked in! Don't give up! God is on YOUR side! Don't give in to the temptation to leave! It's not good for you or for the kids!<P>Have you contacted OM? I wouldn't contact his wife. She may just throw him out and where will he run? Copy and post his email and send it to him, and tell him that he needs to work on his marriage, not on "yours". Send him a book, surviving an affair!!!! He needs to get into recovery too! Start praying for HIS marriage as well as YOUR marriage! <P>Don't give up! Please!<BR>God Bless You<BR>TNT

Oh SHA - <P>I feel so bad cuz I know how much you're hurting.....BIG HUGS!!!<P>I need you to step back and look at all this for a minute though....<P>I know that you two have made progress - you know it also!!<P>You were hoping that she would be able to work with OM and that you and her would still come out on top.....perhaps it can work that way, but it is definitely the looooooonnnnnnggggg route!!!<P>This is where your MB knowledge has to be put into play again.....NO CONTACT!!!<P>WE scream about it on here all the time!<P>Guess you have to point out your latest discoveries to your wife and help her understand it also.....<P>Your wife is still in affair mode and basically started at step 1 with withdrawal everytime she was in contact. Now she's dealing with a fantasy man who cares nothing about what is right and good and just wants for himself!!<P>This does not mean it's over...you know that!! Just have to get her face the reality of what is going on. I don't think that I would pretend not to have seen what you have seen.....that could be construed as a lie and is fodder for her justification garbage when she does find out!!! <P>Point out to her that her husband and children do not deserve to be lied to and she has to step back to reality with you or choose this Married man's fantasy - it's either or but you and the kids are not deserved of the pain and upheaval of her choosing both. She wants life to be better....well, so do you!!! It won't be while SHE keeps you all in this horrid limbo!!! So what she is looking for is the very thing that she - herself - is blocking!!!<P>I don have the answer of what to do....all I know is that I did pretty much what you have SHA and he still kept doing his thing and then got pulled out.<P>There was more I could/should have done...something that was different - I just don't know what that something is.<BR>I know that if we had gotten to counceling it would have helped....<P>Maybe the counselor can guide you to get her there also...<P>Don't lose all your hope!!!! There is ALWAYS hope!!!! <P>We're here with you!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

SHA,<P>I cannot tell you what you should do, but I will tell you what I would do. Two words, FIGHT and HONESTY!!<P>I would tell the OM or send the OM the email. I believe you said he is on the faculty of the school your wife is going to. He was her instructor, Yes? I would inform him that I will tell the administration of his behavior. I would also tell his W about this ongoing affair. <P>Finally, I would tell my W, what I have found and how I interpret it. I would tell the W I am taking no action concerning us until after the holidays and then will decide what seems to be appropriate for our relationship.<P>SHA you have built up many pleasant memories with your wife. Now are you willing to fight for her?? I would honestly tell her what I am thinking (leaving out perhaps the financial stuff ) and tell what actions you plan to take against OM. The irony of all of this is that you may or may not be able to save your marriage but you might save the OM's marriage. Some good will have come out of this. <P>You do not have to be mean or LB, but I would be resolute in my determination if I were you. Maybe this is what your W needs to see. You were nice, forgiving, and generally a good human being but you ARE NOT a doormat and you will not share your W with anyone.<P>SHA, I have great respect for you as do many on this board. Maybe your wife needs to learn that she had better respect you or pay the consequences. I know this is a message that does not overflow with the milk of human kindness, but I would be ready to fight for my wife at this point. If I lost I would know that there was nothing left in the bag. <P>You have been a loving husband and father. And know matter what happens you can and will be a loving father. You will also be a much better human being and husband (if it comes to that) in the future. Give it you best shot, SHA.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

SHA:<P>My main suggestion is to DO NOTHING!!!! Especially until you've had a chance to talk to Steve.<P>The reality of your situation isn't so bad (bet it feels pretty crappy tho...). Your wife is living with you. She has feeling of love for you. She's also having an affair. And she's confused and conflicted about it (I bet).<P>There are proper steps to take to get your marriage back on track. Steve will help assess where you are, and the two of you will formulate a game plan. It may involve a separation, but I'm pretty damn sure that you will have your marriage back, in the end.<P>It ain't over 'till it's over (and not even then, sometimes). You're nowhere close to being done here. But I do feel for you---I've been in that pit as well, and it's not a pretty place.<P>Again, I wouldn't make any moves (leaving, contacting OM or his wife, confronting your wife) until after you talk with Steve.<P>Hang in there...<P>------------------<BR>

SHA,<P>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Sir Hurts Alot</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P><B>Damn this evil!</B><P>You don't have to live anyway you don't want! But if there is an iota of love left... go for at least Plan B!<P>I don't know how you are going to handle this exactly... but a few suggestions.... <B>MAYBE</B>!<P>1. Don't move out yourself...<BR>Your kids will need you more than you realize! They don't need a mommy with a boyfriend... they need a stable/moral dad now! <P>2. Get as much of the financials into trusts for the kids... not for YOU(although some for you is necessary)! <P>3. If you seek legal counsel... get someone good! I <B>hate</B> the idea of divorce... but I'm stuck in the procedings of one right now! If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself leagally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney by starting off at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge. <B>God</B> if you can avoid this heartache... <P>4. Prepare you kids for Plan B... It is confusing to adults... it is crazy for them. I too in Jan/Feb will most likely go to Plan B... and will be talking openly and honestly with them about it. <P>5. The custody of the kids S**KS the biggest... If you need help... I had gone to the following site..<A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/" TARGET=_blank>Fathers Rights To Custody(FRTC)</A>. They don't give a damn about your marriage... but they will help you with the horrendous issues of child custody. <P>----------------------------------------<P>Now... take one giant step back at all I've said...<P><B>Do you really want to put yourself (and everyone in your life) through this HELL!</B><P>Count the number of smiles... count the number of frowns!<P>Be <B>honest</B> with yourself...<BR>K and Paul (Moyers) kicked my righteous butt... and rightfully so... in the next to last reply on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010170-2.html" TARGET=_blank>Remind me to not LB! Prayers please!</A> post. I encourage you to check it out... and my reply too!<P>Hey... we don't say it enough to us "guys"...<BR><B>We damn well love you... <I>SHA</I>... as much as anyone else here!</B><P>Think... pray... hope...<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 30, 1999).]

Thank you everyone. I want to respond to each of you separately, but I just can't concentrate right now. I'm not sure if I want to curl up in a ball and weep or just say f**k it to the whole thing. I'm not sure what I feel anymore. <P>If I can do all I have done for her this past year and she still doesn't care, then maybe it is over - I don't know.<P>I can't even stay at work - I feel useless today.<P>I will respond later - thank you.<P>SHA

Not much more to add, except thoughts to you, SHA.<P><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

SHA:<P>I'm sorry to hear this. I agree with the others that it's not as bleek as it may seem. Be careful NOT to act on emotion that is so fresh. There's alot to work with here.<P>You've gotten great advice on this thread. You've made alot of progress so far. You can get the rest of the way with a little patience and good advice.<P>You're in my thoughts today. You deserve the best and I think will get it.

Oh, SHA.<P>You deserve better than this. Your wife is acting like an idiot (Arik, you like that better? ).<P>I have no handy advice. Just wanted to let you know I care.<P>

SHA-<P>AARRGHH!!! I am so sorry for your pain SHA. But do read the advice you've gotten here closely and don't act out of raw emotion - even though I know it hurts terribly and you want to do anything you can to stop it. But making a decision now would do nothing to stop the pain, unfortunately it is going to be there regardless.<P>I like the idea of waiting until you have either spoken to your counselor or Steve H. You and your wife have made progress, it may not be time to throw all that away yet...<P>hugs...<P>Starpony

SHA,<BR>My friend, I am so sorry for your recent turn of events. I just want you to know that in my worst of times, You were able to give me alot of usefull and caring advice. I wish I could do the same for you. The advice that you have received so far is very good. My personal opinion, Burst her bubble. Go plan B if you need to. Let her know that you cannot do this anymore if that is how you feel.<P>I wish only the best for you and your kids, Don't give up hope. When you least expect it, Something will happen that will give you a boost of hope. As was the case with me. <P>I do have my beliefs in God but I am not a highly religious man, Yet I find myself asking God to help you in your time of need. You will make it through this and do not make any rash decisions based on emotions, Think it through. Remember, We are here for you. You are in my thoughts......<P>Take care....<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

You're tired my friend!!!<P>I know the feeling of ball curling and crying or saying f*$k it....boy do I know that well!!!<P>You have worked very hard....you are absolutely right!!! But SHA - you didn't just do it for her....look at who you are now!!! Look at how much you have grown and learned.....<P>I know that is of little consolation because the whole reason that pushed you into these changes was her in the first place and you want to reap the reward of such good work.....doesn't happen as quickly as you are able to change yourself!!! <P>You have become more aware and stronger... those attributes will help take you the rest of the way with this.<P>Now I will share my warrior princess "losing the funk" routine!!!! You ready!!!<P>First, you have to have a good cry if so inclined.....then get yourself a walkman and some LIVELY music!!! I know you like country but it can't be the slow mopey dopey gushy songs!!!! Get some "devil went down to Georgia" or something!!!!! Sinatra Swing is real good too!!<P>Then get yourself a punching bag....not a little skiddo one....one of those MAN size ones!!!!! (wink-wink) The kind you have to bolt to the floor and the ceiling!!! Don't forget some type of gloves or your hands will hurt....<P>Then baby.....HAVE AT IT!!!!!!!<P>I'm telling you SHA - there's nothing better to get your blood pumping and the funk goes right out of the system!!!!<P>Clears your head enough to be able to have some positive thought room!!!<P>Try it!!!! Don't forget that I used to just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.....look at me now!!<BR>Well, OK....don't look toooooo close, but you know what I mean!!! LOL!!<P>We love ya....now take a 1/2 day off and go to the store!!!!!<P>One great thing with this will be when the kids are laughing watching Dad dance around to His Music!!!! Get 'em all dancing!!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba <P>

I agree with New_Beginning.....Time to tell the OM's wife. Burst that fantasy bubble they are living in and give them a dose of reality. Maybe that will snap them out of it!<P>Hang in there. Good luck with your therapy session.