AZ,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> but no<BR> matter what the case, we have taken from her what was rightly<BR> hers. Your time, your love, your devotion, your affections.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank-you for sharing this. This was the most painful thing to me. Not the sex or even the lies, but that we (my two preschoolers and I) were robbed of his time and love.<P>He may not rush home after a trip, but his wife may very well be like me, counting the minutes till ge gets home. I waited up many nights for a late flight when he was really screwing around. And I was so happy to see him. Didn't he feel a little guilty? Never showed.<P>His decision wasn't just about what he wanted the most. The night before he decided to stay and tell me all, he wrote her, "who am I kidding anyway, you are the one I want". I'm sure he said a lot more on the phone.<P>The next communication she got was the no contact letter, where she was told I had read all their e-mails and chats. She never contacted him, maybe it was the thought of all the personal things she said being read and discussed between us.<P>I shared this for one purpose. You seem like a good person. Get rid of him, maybe even be nasty and threaten to tell his wife. BUT PLEASE, DON'T CONSIDER ACTUALLY TELLING HER. That's for him to do.<P>My h wrote the no contact letter only when he believed it was really the best thing FOR THE OW. Letting her down easy would only hold out hope and keep her hanging on. We had to come back to this point several times. It hurt me a lot that he was more concerned about hurting her than me. BUT THE POINT IS HE IS NOT DOING YOU ANY FAVORS BY KEEPING THIS GOING.<P>Whether things work with his wife or not, he is not the man for you. The success rate of post-affair relationships is almost non-existent. You too have real needs and deserve a full-time man.<P>I admire you for what you are doing. My h had my support during his withdrawal, and I was the main deterrent to her contact since I had all e-mail addresses and phone access. She was told I would handle any contact. It must be twice as hard doing it alone, but hang in there, do it for YOURSELF. Even aside from it being right, it really is the best thing for you.<P>My marriage is still not great, but I remind myself I am doing it for myself and my children.

Gosh, this "one day at a time" thing certainly is difficult. Last night I cried for so long...and we're not talking just little tears trickling down....we're talking body shaking, heart wrenching sobs that this morning when I tried to talk, I had lost my voice! Will the pain EVER subside? I keep hoping I'll think of him less and less but so far it hasn't happened. I guess I can't expect it to only 4 days into this. It seems everything reminds me of him. *heavy sigh* <P><BR>Lu - I wish I wasn't ANYONE'S OW! What a nasty thing to be. Wish I could have forseen how I would feel 10 months ago. Never would have gone there. Thanks for the nice words though. <P>SPARKYDOG - Thanks!! Could use that! Wish I would have logged on first thing this morning but am just now getting around to it. I have a sales class every Tuesday which is nice because there's not time to think about him and then I had to take my car into the body shop.....got into a fender-bender (not my fault) on the way to church the other night and I just barely bought the car a month ago *bummed* Then work has been a bear today. It was really nice to see that SMILE! Thanks bunches!<P>Thanks Schizzo for posting! Don't worry. There have been times where I did want to call her and tell her everything. Not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to pay for his part in this affair. But I feel differently now. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on ANYONE. Especially someone so undeserving. And I'm sure my pain isn't any where near the intensity hers would be if she found out. <P>Thanks for acknowledging the difficulty I am experiencing as well. Since neither of us wanted this to end, it makes it even tougher. I just kept telling God....after this trip to such-and-such I'll give him up, then it was well after this NEXT trip to such-and-such and this went on for MONTHS! Finally after his visit here last week, I had to come clean with God and not go back on my word yet again. Having said that, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done....without exaggeration!!! I know it's the right thing but sometimes I want to call him up and say, I've changed my mind....meet me in (whatever city) in a week and start all over again. BUT I WON'T! As hard as this is, I am just starting to get back on track spiritually. Just picked up my bible for the first time in ages and my prayer life, whilst far from perfect, is at least taking form again. <P>This forum has been a great help. <P>Thanks to all who continue to support and encourage me. It truly helps!

Hey Judy,<BR>How are you doing tonight? I know what you mean about work being a bear. Why is it that work always seems to get in the way of our emotional traumas? Can't really tell if my job is getting harder or if I just can't concentrate on what I'm doing. Oh well, such is life.<BR>Just keep coming here and posting. We'll support you in your task.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

He goes to work to get away from his wife.<BR>You want him to quit contacting you.<BR>Easy. Treat him like his wife does.<BR>When you make him feel the same way, he will respond in the same way and have a fling with someone else very soon.<BR>

Sparkydog - Not only is work a bear, LIFE is a bear!!! Ran myself a nice big bubble bath last night thinking "calgon could take me away" but it didn't help. Still, I got myself into this, will somehow - slowly but surely - get myself out of it. Thanks for the support. How are YOU doing?<P>Cuckhold - I think you are trivializing what is going on here. This is anything but EASY. Also, I pray that he DOESN'T just go have a "fling" with someone else. Then all this pain and anguish will have been in vain. I am hoping it will cause him to put forth more effort in his marriage. What a depressing thought. <P>

Ooopsie, posted the same thing twice. *dumb blonde*<p>[This message has been edited by azhootie (edited February 23, 2000).]

That should be "Calgon, bring me a bottle of wine, then take me away." <P>Support is yours for the taking, whenever you need it. Look at the "fling" comment this way, if that happens you would know what kind of man you WERE dealing with. If not, he is working on his marriage and it is all worth it. You will be a much better person for doing this. Trust me. <P>BTW, I'm fine. Kind of in relationship limbo here. keep trying to get through to Cat, but nothing. Asked her to join the kids and I tonight for dinner, no thanks, asked if she would like to come over for dinner alone some other night, no answer, asked if she wanted to go to a concert in April, no answer. I'm trying, but getting nothing. At least I wasn't expecting anything so it doesn't hurt toooo bad. Meantime, just working on myself, working out, reading, etc. So if worse comes to worse, I'll be a good looking hunk o' man who actually knows how to make a relationship work. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Sparkydog: I had the wine thing going on as well....probably made it worse!!! Probably aided in getting me even more emotional. Tried the drowning my sorrows thing...now I'm just looking at drowning! Just kidding! Nothing in life could ever be soooo traumatic to me that I would actually take my own life. And believe me, I have faced (and conquered) the worst possible nightmare a woman could face ..... <P>I don't know much about what you are dealing with other than what I read in your profile (vague) couldn't tell if your wife was living at home or apart from you. I did see a post of yours to someone about a yummy dinner (pork tenderloin, etc?) and she had turned it down. Sorry to hear that. Is she at least active in her children's lives? How old are the kids? Sorry for the 20 questions but I don't know much about you other than I VERY MUCH appreciate all the posts you've made to me. They really do help! Have a good one!

Well to make a short story long, wife began an EA with my good friend and co-worker in July, became physical (everything but sex) and she told me on Halloween. We had been to Retrouvaille to try to solve our communication problems and would have worked better if she hadn't confessed. Anyway, we struggled through the next 3 months trying to live the MB way, but I wasn't very good at stopping the Love Busters. Toward the end of Jan. we were both at the end of our ropes and decided to separate so we could cool of and work on ourselves. She couldn't commit to me, our marriage, or to not contacting him. She spend her first two weekends "alone" with him while I had the kids, which I have under the typical everyother weekend and every Wed night routine. Didn't ask what happened and guess I don't care. I'm assuming the worst and if I can still go on, I will. Time will tell I suppose. I guess I'll update my profile. <P>You've piqued my interest on the worst nightmare response if you want to share. You sound like you have so much strength and you'll find and keep the strength to see yourself through this.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com<P>[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited February 23, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited February 23, 2000).]

sorry brain fart. <BR>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited February 23, 2000).]

Sparkydog - I don't mind sharing....I share my story at church about twice a year when we have a big open house for people who have fallen away from the church and want to come back. Been there, done that which is why I am asked to share (witness, they call it) I was raped when I was 21 years old. Got pregnant. Didn't believe in abortion. Placed the baby for adoption. Couldn't live knowing that there was a baby out there who was a part of me. Strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. Revoked my decision and got her back. Felt that the Lord (whom I had always believed would "never forsake me, never abandon me") had totally abandoned me and ran from Him because of it. Then I came to the realization a couple of years ago that He didn't abandon me....He took a very horrible and traumatic experience and turned it into something beautiful....my daughter. She's 12 and truly a beautiful girl inside and out. Skipped up a grade and still makes straight A's. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like these last years without her. I am TRULY blessed. So, there you have it. My family always calls me a "trooper" ... I seem to bounce back from most things better and stronger. This is just really taking its toll on me in so many ways. I am overwhelmed with guilt. I constantly fight an internal battle because I want to be with him sooo desperately, yet I know it is a disgusting sin against God. *aaarrrggghhh* <P>I am sorry to hear about your situation. Makes me feel even worse as an OW! You seem like a super guy with a level head and heart. Maybe she will see that and come home??? Maybe the OM will gain a conscience like I did and make the decision for her?? It could happen! I will keep you and your dilemma in prayer. <P>In the meantime, thank you for being soooo encouraging and supportive of me when it is someone like me who is bringing such pain into your life. <P>SMILE! cuz teeth like to be naked!

Wow, what a story, now I know you'll do this. You are a strong person, a trooper. You've taken one of the worst possible things to happen to you and its become a true blessing in your life. This too, will become a blessing. It may take time and will be painful, but you'll see why you had to go through it.<BR>Thanks for you concern and prayers, every little bit helps, but I've kind of taken it out of my hands now. I'll still be working on me and showing Cat that I love her, but I'm not "living" my life around trying to save our marriage, not while she's still seeing him anyway.<BR>My story wasn't meant to make you feel worse, it's probably similar to everyones on this board. Its not someone like you who is bringing me this pain, it is my wife. You or OM can't help falling in love, I know that much about our situation. But you are doing something about it and I'm proud of you for that.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Thanks SPARKYDOG! I know you will find this hard to believe but this is actually MORE difficult than the decision to place her for adoption OR the decision to revoke the adoption.......I didn't really KNOW that baby. She was a part of me, but I didn't have a taste of what that kind of love felt like. I KNOW what I am missing in giving him up.....it's killing me. And thank you for saying it isn't the OP's fault for falling in love but I have to disagree. I knew he was married years before I ever got myself into this. I knew it was wrong. But I disregarded my morals and values, turned my back on the Lord and answered to my own selfish needs/wants/desires. I take full responsibility for my actions....and so should the OM in your W's life. She is off limits!!! Maybe she would have left for other reasons (I don't know enough about the how's and why's to say) but it's irrelevant at this point. He should have kept his hands off until it happened ... if it ever would have?!?! I know I should have done that. My life would be soooo much easier now. Hang in there!

azhootie,<BR>Speaking from personal experience, I would strongly suggest that you see your physician about getting an anti-depressant to help you through the withdrawal stage, especially if yours is as tough as it sounds. The medication may take a week or so to start kicking in, but it's amazing how your whole attitude and outlook can change - it can make life a lot more bearable.<BR>I'm glad the scripture passages spoke to you. Keep going back to them. They are a balm that can heal the soul. I'm still struggling in my relationship with God but the scriptures do help.<BR>I'm adopted. Age 4. I really admire you for taking your child back and raising her. Obviously not the best course in a lot of cases, but sounds like you are an exception. I would not want to ever go back to my home of origin!<BR>Have a good day.<BR>Pilgrim

AZ, but you also know, at least intellectually, that he is not good for you. You need a man that will be yours. Maybe that is why the betrayal hurts so much, we all thought we had faithful spouses that were ours. My h was the best Christian I knew, yet he never missed a beat at home or at church. No one dreamed that he was living a lie for 18 months.<P>It actually helps me to hear you say some of the things you did about knowing it was wrong. I don't know if his OW would.<P>At first I was really hung up on the fact that this was no friendship that crossed the line. I couldn't believe that my h went looking for an affair (and we have read Harley's books before all this, he is clear in His Needs/Her Needs about the pain affairs cause) and that the OW had sex with him on their first date! I still wake up some mornings and wonder if it wasn't just a nightmare I had. The truth is often so hard to accept.<P>So again, the truth for you is that this man is not only off limits, but he is no good for you. Use what you have learned and ask the Lord to give you a man that will be for you and your lovely D. Use the info in Harley's material to create such a strong bond that neither of you will need to look elsewhere.<P>I am at the opposite pole from you. You are having to force yourself to let go of an unhealthy relationship, but can look forward to a new, wonderful one. I have forgiven my h, but still wonder if he will ever really love me. That he would give all his love and energy to a little college kid after all we have shared and the 2 wonderful kids we have!<P>I can only wish I could at least hope I would meet someone one day, but I can't. He has repented and is committed, and I could never break up this family. And I love him so much, why can't he love me??? I am fit and sexy, very smart, a great mom, why is he so blind??? Is it still the illusion of the affair??? It has been 3 months without contact and he says she is a distant memory. Withdrawal was not actually that bad for him. He says she's ancient history, even if we broke up he would not seek her.<P>Sorry to hog the thread, mostly venting. I know one thing that makes it hard for him to be "in love" with me is that it is so hard to get rid of all the resentments. Even before the affair, I had reason to resent him, I am praying to be released from all the resentments. I have forgiven him, but it must move from the will to the emotions.<P>BTW, I am so glad you have a lovely D. I was abused as a child, fortunately never got pregnant. I am two months pregnant right now. That did it. I told him last night I finally realized I could not break up this family, even if it means never being loved. <BR>

Pilgrim - Thanks for the suggestion, but I think I'll struggle along without the help of drugs. I know some people swear by them, but they just aren't for me. Hopefully this will get easier with each passing day. So far, that's not been the case but I can stay hopeful! <P>I wouldn't have kept my daughter had I not had a really good job and the financial means and family support to do so. Having said that, my sister is the only one who knows the truth about the rape/pregnancy. A good friend of mine "covered up" for me and signed the adoption papers....he's not listed on the birth certificate though. I think adoption is one of the most selfless acts a person can do when there is not the hope of good future for the child. Infact, I ended up doing volunteer work for the adoption agency that I worked with. I admire your birth mom for chosing adoption over abortion!!! Kinda scary to think about not being part of the world - huh?<P>Take care and thanks again for those passages!!!<P><BR>Schizzo - I'm glad I could help SOMEONE! I'm also glad to see it's been 3 months since he has had contact with her. That's gotta mean something!!!! And I would venture to say that the fact that he's still with you shows he must love you and your family. Maybe not the same intensity (but that could come back too!!) but love nonetheless! I could be wrong but why else would he stay? Hang in there! At least you have a husband and haven't gotten involved with someone else's!!!!<BR>

Sorry if it bummed you out thinking about that possibility. I think it is a possibility if he has no one to turn to and he is still miserable with his wife.<P>The point is, you are doing the right thing and it is very difficult. I applaud your efforts and wish you every success in this difficult time. If he is not as unselfish about protecting his marriage as you are, you are not responsible.<P>You have decided to move on. If he chooses to find another affair partner, it will hurt but it will also lessen the length your withdrawal stage too.<P>Keep doing what you are doing, you are not responsible for his marriage working out or his actions from this day forward.<BR>

Cuckhold ~<P>I suppose that is always a possibility although I kind of doubt it. Whilst this is not the first affair he has had, it has been 13 years since his last one. He had one almost immediately after he was married. It lasted for 6 months. He was transferred to another city, his wife stayed behind to sell the house. He met a woman there who "filled the gap" if you will. They were not in love, it was easy to break off. I doubt he'll pursue another one because this one has caused much pain to both of us. I think (hope) he has learned his lesson! I do believe he is a good person despite the fact that he had the affairs....he's just in a sad, loveless marriage and is scared to death to admit that he made a mistake in marrying her...terrified of what her family and his family will think of him and then the biggie how his little girls would handle a divorce. We both know what we have been doing is wrong and we are both trying sooo very hard to get past this. <P>Thanks for posting your thoughts! I will keep trying!!! <BR>

Hi Azhootie:<P>Just checking in on your situation. I was one of the first replies on this string, and it's wonderful to see how much support you are getting here.<P>I am also so happy to see you come so far so fast. Even with your posts, you seem to be a bit happier, and a bit more strong with your decision.<P>I just wanted to say, hang in there. I know it's a tough ride, but you can do it. Everyone here is pulling for you. Sorry I haven't checked in earlier - just been a bit busy with work and trying to catch up here!<P>I'll be checking in again. It makes me smile to see you getting so much support and your diligence at trying to make things right. <P>purplemag

I am not insensitive to your plight at all, believe me, and I wish you Godspeed with your recovery. I did want to reiterate what many have said, that you really can't know what's going on with his W. My H claimed after D-Day that for years he believed that I no longer cared and that he had "dropped hints" to clue me into the fact that I was pushing him away. He was amazed at what a tremendous shock this news was to me. It was apparent that I had crept into my own little hole as a survival technique, in my misguided attempt to deal with his obsessive long hours at work, the birth of a child and a long, long bout of depression. At one point he described our relationship as "we'd be great business partners" -- I'm hoping that perspective has changed at this point. <P>From what little I can gather from your story about his marriage, it's quite possible they are in a similar situation ... if he is serious about not wanting to hurt her and his kids, he needs to get serious help with their communications. But that's not your problem. You know what you need to do -- I just pray he will do what he needs to do.<P>Peace and strength to you.