Jamie-Lee,<P>Ok, I see where you're coming from now. My H never took any responsibility for his part in our marriage breaking down. I never asked him to take responsibility for the affair of course. Even though it sounds like your H is a tad more enlightened than my ex, I'm sure you are still frustrated. <P>I know what you mean about being frustrated that your H is not fighting those dead feelings you are talking about. Like I said before, I don't think those "dead feelings" came about simply because of your affair. The reason I get so fired up is because this is the same kind of thinking that got us where we are. Looking for that exciting love feeling. Even if he divorces you a) there will be no guarantee that his next wife will be faithful or that he will be faithful b) how long till he feels dead with the next one? Does it occur to your H that all marriages go through times where you are not madly in love? You having an affair just gives him an easy exit, but I honestly don't believe he is going to do better with someone new. <P>Bystander,<BR>When you mentioned the re-marriage thing I thought of my ex. I would not remarry him. You see, he chose to divorce me a week after my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I wouldn't have done that to my worst enemy. I'm not sad my ex is out of my life. I'm sad I spent 8 years of my life with him in it. I remember the way things used to be. I woke up afraid every single day, even long before the affair. He never loved me. I was just that thing he thought he deserved in life, like a nice car, and nice house, wife, fill in the blank. I was not a human being to him.

TheStudent,<P>If you realize all of this about your xH, why are you so angry? He did you a big favor by leaving from the sounds of it. And you had an affair so obviously the marriage was not rock solid even then. You even post now that he wasn't much of an H and from your point of view not much of a man. Why are you so angry and so down on all men?<P>I am very confused by your responses TS. You see not all men are like your H. I sometimes wonder if your H is like your H as you remember him. I know you are a very intelligent person, but this reaction doesn't make sense to me. You mentioned being very down and contemplating ending things, yet it would seem that you should be happy.<P>Your career is going well, you passed the qualifiers, you are free of a man you describe as, shall we say, less than perfect, you have nothing but good things ahead, yet you are so angry. You are down. <P>I know I am not qualified to help you, but your response to people here and to your future are so negative when you have so much to be positive about. Please think about my questions and perhaps seek some help in clarifying what you are thinking. I worry about you. I want to read that you are doing well, but that is not the case.<P>Please take care, TS, and God Bless You,<P>JL

JL,<BR>Consider this:<P>80% of all crime is committed by men<P>The majority of domestic abuse is committed by men<P>Almost all rape/sexual abuse is committed by men (no adoption agencies that I know of will let a single man adopt a child, for instance)<P>The majority of alcoholics and drug abusers are men.<P>The majority of people who commit infidelity are men<P>Even insurance companies charge higher rates for men under 25 because they are involved in more accidents and get more tickets.<P>Face it, the state of manhood is not good. Yea, I'm mad. I've wasted 10 years or more (combined from my first and second husband) giving to someone else. I'm sad *I* let those years be sucked away from me. I get depressed when I think of all the things I COULD have done rather than spend ten years with those two loser men. So yea, I get real pissed when I see people, especially women, who get used by men. Sorry, I still think Jamie-Lee's husband doesn't have what it takes to make a life-time commitment. He's talkin' the talk but not walkin' the walk. <BR>

OK, TS,<P>Don't worry women are catching up fast on many fronts. I have teenage drivers and my daughters rates are almost up to my sons. Why? girls are driving more and more miles and soon will be driving as many as boys. Guess what their accident rate is going up rapidly. You will get equality there. <P>You are wrong about physical abuse recent studies are showing that physical abuse by women now matches that of men. It is just not turned into the police. This is by a study where the women themselves admitted to the abuse on their part. In fact in lesbian couples the rate of abuse matches or exceeds men. So hurray women are just a good as men.<P>Sexual abuse we men are clearly superior . Probably because it is hard to rape an unwilling man. But if it is an act of violence and vengence rather than sex, women sure can match men in that category.<P>And finally, you will be happy to know that the rate that women commit infidelity is rapidly approaching mens and is not far different. Probably just had to do with opportunity. More married women in the work place surprise more women having affairs. So again women are reaching parity with men. Aren't you proud?<P>Oh! by the way all those commiting those crimes don't make up a major of men. And women did rear them didn't they?<P>Now will you quit with the childish blaming other people for your tastes and choices and get on with the what should be a very successful life? Good God women you have so much going for you and you waste it on petty blame and stupid statistics. You know better.<P>TS, you know I want to see you succeed and be happy. I have a very strong feeling about what you are capable of and this attitude is not helping you. It is as if you want the men in your life to win and be right about you. Do you want their opinions of your worth to be right? Well they were wrong, and you had better get with the program and prove them wrong, or they will have destroyed you as assuredly as if they were standing there with a gun refusing to let you leave the room or lead your life.<P>TS, please calm down and reflect on these things. You have so much to offer and you are a good person.<P>As for Jamie-lee's H, it is not clear he is using her. It is clear he is not sure about whether to stay married to her or not. I cannot pretend to know the whole dynamics of their marriage and neither can you. I have only recommend that she does what she is comfortable with. If she does that her H is not taking advantage of her. <P>Her own comments about how he has treated her, would suggest that he is conflicted about the marriage but has no real ill will. So while you are on your man bashing soapbox please consider what she has posted. They didn't get into the situation they are in by themselves and certainly not just her H. They both contributed. Hopefully, they will both come out married and happy with one another.<P>God Bless you with peace TS,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited February 28, 2000).]

JL,<BR>Whatever. All I want is what men have and take for granted. Like so many people, you are oblivious to the advantages your gender has bestowed upon you. Just like I'm probably oblivious to the advantages of being white. But I can admit that. I can admit that there is racism, and sexism, and anti-semitism.<P>Jamie-lee,<BR>Sorry we've swallowed up your topic. To kind of echo what JL said, I agree that if you are doing what you are comfortable with then you are not being used. Just be careful why you are doing it and be careful you won't regret it later. <P>I agree that your husband is vacillating. I don't know what else to tell you. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited February 28, 2000).]