I do have a question for you, Nicole. As I haven’t been around much, pardon me for asking if it’s a repeat... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> He doesn't want to give her up, sees no reason, and there it sits.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>What does the homewrecker’s husband think about the continued contact? IIRC, they work together, right? Does Arik have to talk to him as well for work-related issues? <P>I just can’t imagine him being OK with the continued personal contact. Of course, I can fully see Arik <B>telling</B> you he’s OK with it.<P><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Oh here I go again,<P>When my H left, it was his choice so I let him tell the boys. Why should that burden of breaking their hearts fall on you. Let him explain it. Mine however, had a typed-out lamo script of what to say that he read from. It really made him look like a fool to my boys. They kept looking at me like it was a joke, with half smiles on their faces. There was nothing heartfelt about it. I ended up having to talk to them anyway. They don't seem to be terribly affected, but then their dad was never around much anyway before this all happened so there's not much to miss. Maybe they are young but they don't seem to think it is serious, almost like it's a game or something. Maybe thats good, I don't know. They don't seem to have a huge connection with him, and I didn't realize it WASN'T there until he moved out. It makes me angry, because this is the result of all those years he put his job first ahead of caring for his family.<P>Anyway, my case may be different than yours, altho many times I see that we are all going through the same thing, only we react differently. I could never have done this for 2 years like someone else mentioned. I'm not part of a heirrom (spelling?) and won't allow him to wonder off and do as he pleases, that's why there were vows made. I am someone to which the truth is the most important thing in my life and can't live a lie or be lied to. There are better things and other more wonderful people out there who are more deserving of a devoted wife. I'm sure in time I'll learn forgiveness for the pain he's caused, but now is not it.<P>I'm done venting now. I'm a little on edge because I'm waiting for my lawyer to drop off my divorce papers to hand to him tonight. Take care, God bless.

I'm not yet where you folks have been, and I hope I never am.<P>My wife has told me she wants a separation, that our marriage is over. We have a 5 year old daughter, but my wife just says, "She'll get over it, kid's are resiliant." I pointed out that she and her brothers haven't gotten over her parents divorce 25 years ago, that she never forgave her mother for leaving.<P>I love my wife very much and want to save our marriage, but if she pushes through to a separation and we have to tell our daughter that "mommy doesn't live hear anymore" I know it's going to hurt her, and I know I will feel such anger and resentment toward my wife for that.<BR> <BR>If that day comes, can you offer any advise on what to say or how to say it? And what not to say?

Nicole,<P>It is so hard to tell the kids. My ex left all that to me and has never explained anything to them. My children have also seen me cry, but I feel I can't completely hide my hurt from them. Really, that's not completely a bad thing, they should know you care about your H. They may even cry with you, after all it is unhealthy for them to keep their emotions bottled up. It will be part of the healing process, although that will take a long time.<P>AD

hello all,<P>I don't really have time right now to reply to you all but wanted to say thanks for all the advice and support. I really needed it today.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Not much else to say but <P>{{{{{Nicole}}}}<P>Sending prayers your way. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Just some quick responses to some of your q's.<BR>Dazed-I know that Arik needs a lot of attention, but I think that ignoring things will give him free reign for the most part and I will be stuck in this place of being hurt by the person who promised eo protect me. Maybe, I made a lot of Plan A mistakes but for the most part I put my heart and soul into this marriage in the last 5 months(and actaully for the past 11 years). I am just at the point right now where I can't take the hurt anymore. Ignoring it won't make it go away.<P>WhoDat- I don't think C's husband knows the extent or the nature of thier contact right now. He and Arik have never met nor have they ever spoken. C works in an office and is a liason beween the different crew's and thier boss. Arik and C's husband work on different crews 1000 miles apart.<P>Thanks again for all the support you have given me. The prayers are much appreciated. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole, only you know your H, I don't...all I know is what he posts here.<P>As far as ignoring him giving him carte blanche to do what he wants, well, what is he doing now? He's doing what he wants, and he's hurting you.<P>I know that worry and fretting makes us FEEL as if we're doing something. But it really doesn't. <P>I don't think Arik doesn't CARE that you're hurt, it's just that in his mind, what he wants comes first, and if necessary, exclusively. That's what it seems like anyway, obviously I don't live in his head (thank goodness ). He already knows that what he's doing hurts you, but he's unable or unwilling to recognize that he has the power to ease your pain.<P>I still maintain that he's childish enough to regard even negative attention as a positive. He came back yesterday, right? Is he living at home? How are things?

Dazed,<P>Actually he is coming back today. He is still at home but I am not sure for how long. He is full of anger at me right now for needing him to leave. He doesn't understand why he can't just stay in the spare room and leave things as they are. I don't want to feel this pain anymore and him being here will just add to the pain. <BR>I realize that this isn't entirely a MB concept, principal, or way of doing things but I have hit rock bottom as to what I can take. <BR>I am sure there are people here who will say I just need to go into Plan A mode even stronger but I just can't anymore, my energy is drained and my resentment towards him is so high that if I don't separate myself from the thing that is causing me pain(Arik) soon tthere will be no love left.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole,<P>You sound like a walking advertisement for Plan B, kiddo.<P>(Jim, stop me if I'm wrong...)<P>Plan B is for when you're at the end of your rope, and your love bank is so empty that you're in danger of NOT being able to rebuild the marriage should the spouse decide to end the affair (and let's face it, some sort of affair is still going on). Plan B is to save that little reservoir you have left.<P>It's a calculated risk; I don't think anyone ever said there were any guarantees. <P>I for one won't blame you a bit if that's what you decide to do. No one said Plan A should go on forever.<P>I wish he'd wake up and smell the mochacchino. I really do. He's making men look really dumb.

Don’t be down on yourself, Nicole, and don’t let him guilt you. Children, even those who inhabit the bodies of adults like Arik are great at that(as you well know from your own kids). I don’t have a lot to add besides more thoughts, and yes... even prayers. Those who knew me here a year ago would be pretty amazed at that last statement.<P>This line... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> ...my energy is drained and my resentment towards him is so high that if I don't separate myself from the thing that is causing me pain(Arik) soon tthere will be no love left.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Says it all. If you look at Dr Harley’s articles and books, this is a nearly textbook example of <B>why</B> you go to plan B. Not to punish him, but to preserve your remaining love for him.<P>ps: went back and looked up all (three) of her posts, and she <B>says</B> she told her H... I can’t imagine he would be too happy with the renewed contact. If Arik is so sure this contact is OK, why doesn’t he tell her H, and marvel at the wonderful “friendship” he is having with the guy’s wife? Or if not, <B>why</B> not? Maybe because it isn’t just a friendship, but rather a continuation of the affair.<P>...and Dazed... I resemble that last remark! Not <B>all</B> men are this thick! I hadn’t seen your comments as I was composing concurrently, but I think we’re both on the same page with Nicole... I should just bow out and let her know what you say goes double for me. BTW... I’d still love to see your “Alternate-Titanic” story sometime... just gotta figure out how to communicate without giving my email...<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited February 25, 2000).]

<B>WhoDat</B> -- Hey, just use one of the "free" email services. I don't give any of my e-mail addresses out until I kinda know someone. So, I just opened a yahoo mail account to do the "screening"...works great.<P>--DeWayne--<P>P.S. <B>Nicole</B> - Still thinking about you guys...

Ugh. Don't call it that, please. It's not an "alternate", it's a SEQUEL. And you'll be happy to know that DiCaprio stays at the bottom of the Atlantic. <P>E-mail me at filmgeek55@hotmail.com, and I'll tell you where to find it.<P>I'm writing a digression now with all original characters -- and an infidelity plotline to boot.