My story,<BR> My girlfriend of 2 years moved out at the beginning of this month. What I have found out is that she has been having an affair with a co-worker sense December of last year, she has 3 wonderfull girls from a previous marriage ages 3, 5 and 8, she has moved in with him and is pregant, the child could be either one of ours as she was with both of us in the same period, although she feels it is his child(she told me she feels she got pregant on the 15th of Jan when she was with him although we were together on the 9th & 11th of Jan), she has told me that I can go to some of her checkups with her if don't tell anyone(I will go), she lets the 3 girls come and stay every weekend and the oldest everyday after school until she stops by to pick her up. She is going to get married to her co-worker on Mar 19. I am lost, we were planning to get married, I love her and the girls very deeply and the girls love me, they never want to leave my house to go with her when she picks them up, they always cry and say they love and miss me, I can't turn my back on them, I love them just too much, but everyday that goes by is getting harder and harder to see them, then have to watch them all leave. Thoughts,insight, ideas, anything that may help in this matter is welcomed.<BR>Thanks Jack

Does anyone out there care? I DO

Jack,<BR>Yeah, the people here do care. <P>I have a hard time posting to "newbies" because this is fairly new to me also. It's difficult to post something positive and give advice to someone when I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right or not. <P>There is a post of general welcome in the just found out forum. It has a lot of links to information that you should read if you haven't already done so. It explains a lot of details about the different concepts used by most people here. <P>Read as much as you can, and post, and then read and post some more. Take time to read other posts too. That way you might find someone who is in a similar situation as you. <P>I know this is hard. But try to take lots of deep breaths and take care of you.<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Jackh<P>I care! I realy do!<P>I know how hard this is for you and with her saying she is getting married so soon you must be devistated and in shock. <P>As Mitzie said read, read and read some more on this web site. There is lots to help you here. With so many in pain on this forum it is next to impossible to respond to everyone. Not to mention your situation may be different than many others as you were not married yet to your g/f yet. Not that that means you hurt any less because I'm sure you hurt just as bad.<P>I just wanted to let you know others *do* care.<P>Fingers Crossed<P>

Jack--<BR> I am so sorry for your pain. If I read your post right, your girlfriend was involved with this other man for one of the two years you have been together? When did you find out about their relationship?<BR> You are in my prayers tonight...<BR>Kathi

Mitzi & Fingers Crossed,<P>Thank you both for the reply. I found this site back in October and have been reading and doing everything I can think of that it takes to keep this together. Sorry for being new & not really knowing how to get started, but I will learn.<P>You all are right, we are not married, but I felt as it we were. Gina is a warm and caring woman, who I love dearly, I could see it in her eyes tonight when she picked up Sara, it hurt her, as it did me to hear Abby & Brook daying they they wanted to stay as Sara held my hand and said I love you. 6PM is the worst part of everyday, when they all leave. <P>The good thing is, I get all of them at 5pm Friday, until she dicides to come back & pick them up, the bad part is she will & they will all be gone again. I wish I could get mad or the girls would not cry when leaving, as I do. Sorry I'm just lost, I cannot let the girls see this, I love them all so much & want them them to be so happy, to be children.<P>Sorry, wasn't a good 6Pm tonight...we all had tears<P>Thanks Jack <BR>

Slow down Jack, give us a chance to reply. You're hurting, in pain, but we're only human too. Dec of 99 I assume, hard to think of 99 as last year. She wants you to go to the checkups, or is letting you? Is the OP going as well? Is this on the off chance that you are the father or because she still cares for you.<BR>How about the marriage, is it still on, is her family involved, do they know the situation yet? Zero to marriage in 3 months is pretty sudden, what is her demeanor to you, is she cold, or does she still like/love you? Talk to us, we'll try to help.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Jack,<BR>It's so good to know that the girls have you. You obviously are a very important person in their lives. Even if things don't work out between you and their mother, try to keep the relationship with them. <P>You never know how things will work out in the end. Especially if the baby turns out to be yours.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Kim6318<P>Gina started with him in Dec of '99, but she has been working at the the same place for the past 6 months. I just sit and wonder and cry on how all this happened so fast.<P>Thanks Jack

Sparkydog<P>Sorry '99 is right, Gina asked me to go, she said she knows how much it means to me & she she wants me to stay involved as the child maybe ours, but don't count on it. No the OP knows nothing of this, he does not even know I have been getting the girls on weekends and Sara off the bus everyday, Gina tells him they are at her Mothers. Gina is nice to me, but stands off as she said tonight, "I am going to get married on the 19th, it's still on"<P>Her Mother & Father support are not real happy with this but they as I don't want to start any trouble because of the girls.<P>Thanks Jack

Does the OP know about Gina being pregnant or doesn't know about your continued involvement w/ her and the girls?<P>Classic fantasyland behavior, she can't even tell OP that you are still involved w/ the girls and with her and her dr visits. She is having a big problem w/ the honesty thing. Do you know the OP, what about arrangements for visitation of the girls after the "marriage"?<P>The girls are going to have the hardest time of all of you. They've lost one dad already, now are losing you, and will probably lose this OP eventually if the marriage actually takes place. Try to be a stable person in their life if she will let you.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Sparkydog<P>Gina has told OP that the child is his, we were just friends & she was just staying here until she could get her own place. Her Mother has confirmed this with me, as we were discussing on how they and me could keep seeing the girls. There are no arrangements for visitation after he finds out what is really going on. That is what hurts, then Gina's Mother&Father or me are not going to be able to see the girls. I worry about it everyday as they do...not a good time<P>Thanks Jack

why the he11 won't her mom and dad be able to see the girls? Is this guy that controlling or is that her decision? More info. We'll get through this.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Jackh,<P>My advice. Use Plan A and be as good to those poor kids as you can. This thing is going to blow sky high. If the OM doesn't know you could be the father and that you are taking care of the kids, then he is going to get the shock of his life. <P>He has no clue who he is marrying. Actually, I am not sure you know who your girl friend is either, but I suspect you are closer to the truth than he is.<P>This poor guy is going to hear about you from the children. There is no way they will be able to keep their mouths shut on this. <P>So hang in there, be kind and loving and most of all help those poor girls. They have a very messed up mother.<P>God Bless You,<P>JL

Sparkydog & Just Learning,<P>Gina has done this before to her parents about 5 years ago she got mad at them and just took the girls and moved away for 2 years with no contact at all. This is why we are trying to keep the peace with her.<P>I talked to her today at lunch on the phone and she is going to drop off Brook & Abby about 5pm, she said they are very exicted about staying with me tonight, said it was all they talked about on the way to daycare this morning.<P>I also talked to her Mother who said that she has not told the OP about our relationship, saying we have been nothing but friends. She feels that he would dump her if he ever finds out that I could be the Father of the child or that the girls our spending all this time with me. But then if we were to tell him Gina would mostly just get mad and leave, then we all would lose out.<P>But I'm going to enjoy my time with the girls tonight and saturday before she comes back to get them, I hope she is late <P>Thanks for all the kind words & help from everyone. Will try to check back in after the girls go to bed tonight, until then I hope everyone else has a wonderful evening also.<P>Jack<BR>p.s. picture of Brook & Abby <A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/ky2/jhpictures/images/new2.jpg" TARGET=_blank>http://www.angelfire.com/ky2/jhpictures/images/new2.jpg</A> <BR>

Hey Jack,<P>Just to let you know that there are those praying for you, the girls, and the unborn baby. I hope you have a GREAT time with the girls tonight.<P>Wonderful picture, but boy big feet. <P>Ed

It sounds to me this lady of yours has an AWFUL LOT of GROWING UP TO DO! She seems to only care about herself and no one else. Did you know of any problems prior to the OP? Did this just come out of the blue? I really can't help you with this one, because when kids are involved like this and the Parent doesn't see the harm they are causing then I get emotional and disgusted! She needs to grow up. And the fact that she KNOWS you will do anything to be with her shows that she will use this to her advantage for as long as you allow it. I don't think a Plan A will help. It sounds like you have been Plan A'ing already. Maybe a Plan B is what she needs. JMHO

Welcome <B>Jackh</B>...<P>Before I direct you a general welcome post... a few thoughts...<P>You say you've found this site in October (that's just a few weeks after I found it)... and if you've anything about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>... you'll know that the combined duration of both is about 2 years! In your first post you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My girlfriend of 2 years moved out...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...I think, and this is purely personal, that you may your GF's 2-year limit...<P>I understand you love her emensely, and her girls too. If you wish to proceed... absolutely the only way is with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... but I would strongly consider... if you reach recovery... to go for some <B>marriage PREPARATION</B> counseling/training. <B>trying2_4give</B> has some very valid "logical" points that someone who is in love may be missing.<P>Has your GF really grown up?<BR>Is she mature enough for a realtionship?<BR>Clearly she's mature enough to have babies... but is that enough?<P>While you wait about the "fatherhood" issue... does that really mean your GF is at an emotional stage/state where she can commit to a truly solid marital commintment?<P>These are questions only you can answer...<BR>Don't let emotions tie up some of logical reasoning...<BR>...lost logical reasoning... will lead to problems of even greater magnitude in the future.<P><B>Now...</B> I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A> (good refresher for anyone)<P>Prayers for some thoughtful decisions... <P>Jim

Hi Everyone,<P>Sorry long & rambling<P>Well it turned out to be a great weekend. Got Sara off the bus & we headed out the store to pick up a few things. Got back home & waited for Gina to bring Abby & Brooke, she was late but she did show.<P>We all had dinner played games, made popcorn & watch a video. Abby woke up about 1am with a fever & cough, gave her some medicine & sat with her for a hour or so before she fell back to sleep, she got up in the morning feeling fine. On Saturday, we rode bikes, played hide & seek, went to the park, spent some time with their grand parents (hers), just a great day outside so we all enjoyed it. <BR>Gina called at 4pm & said she would be there in a half hour to get the girls, she showed up at 6pm and none of the girls wanted to leave, Gina got tears in her eyes, then got upset & said fine, if that’s what you all want, then stay I’ll be back Sunday at 1pm to get them. Three girls smiling ear to ear and me, but the best thing was the girls did this on their own, they all just plain wanted to stay with me. We all made dinner together, played some games then we all made cookies, they loved that and then settled in to watch “Happily Ever After” (Abby’s pick).<P>Abby got up again at 3:30am with a fever and cough, she was really feeling bad this time, she had an ear infection, called Gina’s mom and she came over with some different medicine(she lives across the street from me), Abby settled down about 7am and did well the rest of the day, she just took it easy the rest of the day watching movies, played computer games & napped. The rest of us just played around the house & outside waiting for their mother. Sara wrote all of our names (Gina’s too) in chalk on the road and wrote “family” under them, I thought I was going to cry.<BR>Gina showed up at 4pm & guess what, she knew Abby had a ear infection, she had gotten a prescription for her but forgot about it and left it at work on friday, said she would start her on it monday night. I was, well not happy, but held my breath. Gina seemed to be in a good mood, so we got to talk for while. I asked her what she thought of me trying to get legal custody or even adopting the girls. To my surprise she agreed saying that she thought it would be good for the girls because I’ve been more of Father to them than their real dad and she knows how much they love me. I’m going to try and talk with her again tonight and make sure she is as serious about this as I am, then go from there.<P>As for a little more background on us:<BR>I am 44yo, Gina is 29yo and the girls are 8, 5 & 3. Gina has been married twice before (last divorce was in ’97), the children are from her 2nd marriage & yes she is still going to marry the OP on the Mar 19, said he is the best thing sense slice bread. I have been married once before (divorced in ’85) no children of my own. Sara is a smart child but is hurting in school right now and starting to get more and more quiet (maybe more withdrawn is a better word) that is why I now get her off the bus everyday & help her with her homework. Abby is a very special child as she is autistic but she loves with no conditions. Brooke is just Brooke, a typical 3yo who wants to love and be loved and have lots of fun but she does have a temper as she show it last night when Gina came & got them. The girls father is an alcoholic who has showed no signs of helping himself, early last year he slit his wrists in front of the girls one weekend when he had them, we went to court after that and now he has no custody or visitation rights over the girls. Sara and Abby have been greatly effected over this & still have problems dealing with it. I don’t know what is going to happen but I promised the girls that I will always love them & be here for them, Sara had me put 4 yellow bows on my door for them, saying as long as they where there she would know that I still loved them all, they are there to stay.<P>Thanks & Prayers for all<BR>Jack<BR>PS I have order the book, looking forward to reading cover to cover<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Jackh (edited February 28, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Jackh (edited February 28, 2000).]

Hi Everyone,<P>Well did not get to talk to Gina last night, but did talk to the girls real fathers mother & brother, they said they would support me in any effort that would lead to the girls having a stable & loving enviroment. So, it looks like I'm going to try for some type of custody, guardianship or adoption.<P>Thanks & Prayers for all<BR>Jack