Hi Guys,<P>I'm really tired and just noticed [no, not that I'm tired, I knew that a long time ago] that a few on the board have S's who are exhibiting signs and symptoms of conflict avoidance.<P>So far I have seen Deb's, Mitzi's and Bonnet's Hs have been diagnosed as well as my Val.<P>Is there a connection or should I go to bed and stop thinking so much?<P>It looks like E = I X R. Electricity takes the path of least resistance. For our S, they seek other companionship as the path of least resistance. No real issues to deal with. HUH?<P>Just a theory. What do you think?<P>Zip

Wow that was brilliant Zippy.<P>I would have to agree. It would seem that conflict avoidance is a common trait amoung the betrayers.<P>Turn your Gooey on<P><BR>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Ok. So how do we deal with conflict avoiders. Who has had any success???? What is the first step. <P>I know my H is a conflict avoider. So much so that the OW is the person who faces the conflicts for him at work so he doesn't have to. <P>He used tolike the fact that I pushed him to talk about problems. Now he says he never said that. <BR>

Tim,<P>See? You figured it out for all of us!!<P>Mitzi

My W always said"It's not worth fighting over",or"Don't sweat the small stuff."Well,I didn't sweat the small stuff,and look what happened. --Murph

Usually if we argued, my H seemed to get over it pretty quickly. At the time, I thought that was a good thing. Little did I know that he was apparently never really over it.<BR>

Hi All,<P>Did anyone find any books or articles on the web to help us out with this type of individual or behavior?<P>I searched for an hour and came up with nothing other than being a little more frustrated. All types of conflict out there, just not any applicable sources.<P>After discovery I got the "I don't want to talk about it" response. TNT believes that we must fill their love bank enough until they want to come back to work on the marriage. Make us a safe choice. They do love us but don't want to take responsiblity for their actions. Don't approach them with any subject that makes them feel blame, guilt things like that. It make sense. I don't see any other way around it. That is unless I really am stuck on stupid.<P>If they do come back do we have to walk on egg shells for the rest of our life and not confront them on any topic?<P>My head hurts. I have been thinking too much this week. Having a real bad Val week. <P>Tim

Medic238,<BR>My W is a big time conflict avoider. She has been all of her life. She fails to understand that the problem doesn't go away just because you are ignoring it. As a matter of fact it causes additional problems for the avoider.<P>I on the other hand believe in attacking all problems head on to eliminate them. Yes, sometimes other problems arise but that one is usually gone if the other person truly agrees to the solution. She needs to make up her mind as to what she wants to do: stay or leave. I am prepared for both. It is my nature to deal with the possible outcomes even though one is more preferable than the other.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Hey Bill<P>What's a Gooey?????????????????????????<P>------------------<BR>Peg

Hey Medic,<P>You hit the nail on the head about the 'walking on eggshells.' I do this alternately - can't help myself, sometimes I stomp around on them for awhile.<P>Do you also think that perhaps they originally chose us as spouses because one of the things we weren't was one of the things they were? - conflict avoiders. I, too, would rather deal with a problem before setting it aside. Kind of like paying the bills - get it over with and then move on to whether you have enought left over for whatever. My H, on the other hand will spend now and worry about the bills, <B>if</B> he has to, later. Another connection perhaps?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited February 26, 2000).]

I'm not sure whether it's conflict avoidance, depression, lack of self worth, or just plain immaturity and a tendency to go with whatever "feels" good. The consistently demonstrated trait is taking the path of least resistance. Wherever there are choices, the one that's the easiest and requires the least self-examination or effort will be the one selected. Often, it's no conscious choice at all - it's just continuing on. The impacts on others are not even considered.<P>OK, I've earned the right to make the next comment, with a 17 month separation and literally thousands of hours analyzing the "why's". It if a fruitless quest. You will never have a satisfactory explanation and even if your spouse were being honest with you, they couldn't tell you themselves.<P>No one will probably listen to me (I know I didn't listen to others who told me) but you'll save yourself countless hours of examination and grief if you just focus on what is and forget about the why.<P>One other comment on the possibility of permanent walking on egg shells. I asked Steve Harley this question. He told me that it is not a permanent arrangement, it's only until their lovebank is sufficiently filled so that they start to love you again. There's no hope of doing this while an affair is active.<P>

I don't think it's always the conflict avoiders that have affairs. My H is a conflict avoider and I don't believe he would ever have an affair. I, on the other hand, came close, partly due to my frustration over the fact that conflicts never get resolved in my house. They don't even get acknowledged. They get swept under the rug. I used to try to pull things out of him and force him to talk. I got tired of doing that.

I have to agree with Truthseeker as I was the conflict avoider and I never had an affair. My x was always is conflict about something though.<P>My x also said something that Truthseeker said, that being she was tired of having to draw things out of me all the time. Her and her om could talk about anything!<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

I agree with Truthseeker....conflict avoiders may not have affairs....my W is one and I really don't think she would have an affair....whereas, I would classify myself as a prime canidate for an affair. When I am in a relationship with a conflict avoider, I can't help to feel that if this isn't important enough for them to fight for, then "WHY?" should I bother. In my opinion, conflict avoiders seem to lack passion for life....my W seems to just exist rather than live....ignoring problems j makes them go away for her...."self is the easiest person to deceive."

Yes, yes, yes! Nowhereman, you said it EXACTLY! I feel exactly the same way. If somethings not worth the fight to HIM what's the point? My H has no passion for life AT ALL! <P>Maybe my H and your W should get together (Just kidding, of course)<p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited February 26, 2000).]

I too have to agree with Truthseeker, RWD, and nowhereman. I don't think my H would have an affair(he's the conflict avoider). I on the other hand am getting tired of not having communication. He thinks everything will be just fine. Its over and done with move on. Hard to do!<P>falsely accused

A common thread seems to be emerging here. Conflict avoidance whether it be on the part of betrayer or betrayed is a major obstacle to intimacy in a marriage. You can count me in as far as this being a problem in our marriage too. My H would often brag to people that we've never had a fight. I remember thinking that it wasn't healthy, but I never felt comfortable enough to bring it up. My H is super-sensitive to anything that can even be remotely construed to be criticism. So, of course we never fought, it wasn't allowed!<P>I think all of this comes under the heading of Openness & Honesty. If you don't feel secure enough in a relationship to be open and honest, then you won't be able to deal with any conflict. And as the conflict slowly builds (but it pushed under the carpet), the marriage erodes.

Medic, and everyone else who has responed to this post:<P>I think the term "conflict avoider" should be changed to "issue avoider", better yet, "life avoider".<P>My ex. fit the pattern perfectly. Never talk, never bring up anything that was bothering you. Sit on it, push it down, and be miserable.<P>Solution: Go find someone else. When will they realize that they have to face issues at some point? It is only going to happen again.<P>Of coursce, who is suffering from her actions? Me. That is what is so frustrating.<P>AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hey, that sounds like my husband. He admits he is a conflict avoider. I believe he chose to go live with the other woman because it was so much easier than having to work on our relationship. TOO MUCH CONFLICT THERE! He just couldn't face the amount of work he thought it was going to take. He is a fool and I hope he will be miserable with the ow! Sorry, I just had to throw that one in there.<P>~Woozy

Hey Medic, do you think better when you are tired. Or do thesethoughts just pop up. LOL. H is a bigtime conflict avoider but I am too in a way just not a sbad as he is/was. I think any time a spouse leaves it is to avoid sometype of conflict. I think he went to tell the OW that it was over but couldn't because it was easier to leave me then to work on our marriage BIGTIME CONFLICT AVOIDER!!!!!.<P>Hope you got some rest. I haven't looked at allthe post I think I missed the results of the phone call? Tell me what happened.<BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>