Hey lonelymom,<P>Yes, this is the <B>real</B> RCoaster. I'm very happy for you that you are feeling better about yourself. As you can see (from H's phantom post earlier), my H is still trying to make me feel bad about myself. Doesn't work anymore.<P>Please be careful.

Hi friends,<P>Thanks again for the support. To ProfessorOrg - You bring up a very good point, and yes I will be very careful. I agree, I am extremely vulnerable. I am extremely hurt and confused. And I am also learning how to be "on my own" again too.<P>I feel so strange about the whole thing. I will admit to this, H is being really nice. That is starting to get to me. He called last night for the kids and when he hung up, he sounded so much nicer , like the H I once loved. It sent chills down my spine. I wonder, is he sounding that way (instead of the grinch he was sounding like) because he is now falling in love with OW? Even though I have given up on the marriage, I still feel pain and disappointment.<P>Next week will be tough, its his bday. He is going away with OW and we were supposed to be going away. I want to try to just live my life and be happy and not "react" constantly to his changes.<P>Is it possible he senses me moving along a little, not saying "moving on", but just getting stronger. I just can't figure why he sounds so happy. It drives me nuts. <P>Yes I am feeling much better, but now his newfound happiness is confusing me too. I think he might just want me to move on so he doesn't feel so guilty himself. Oh who knows??<P>Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers. Dana<P><BR>

Gald to hear from you.<P>WOW! I am so happy for you. It sounds like you have found peace with your decision. As far as I am concerned that is what it is all about.<P>I support your decision and relate to your feelings of Plan A taking away your self esteem. I was never much for Plan A. <P>Before I even had evidence of my H's EA, I pretty much told him to choose what he wanted - his relationship with her or me. Yes it was in a loving way but I just couldn't continue with him while he was with her...and I certainly was not about to make him his favorite dinner or go out of my way to be sweet to him while he was cheating on me. At least I could not do it and feel good about myself too.<P>So good for you. When a door closes another one opens us. Seems to me that other door is now opening and you are finding joy in that. <P>Keep us posted. Love to hear about your date!<P>Acacia

Acacia<P>Hi! I haven't seen you around here lately? Although I have been in a daze lately too. <P>Well in all honesty, it went really well. I am very attracted to him, BUT now I feel like I miss H today. What is the reason for this? I was so happy and confident yesterday? Nothing went wrong, everything was fine, so why do I feel this way?? I suspect it leads back to Prof reply.<P>I know I am not "totally" over H, but i am getting there little by little. If I feel totally out of love in a day, there'd be something wrong. Why did I have this reservation now today? I still feel the same about my self esteem , freedom and respect today, but I miss H a little more today??<P>I feel like a fool because I can't figure out my feelings. If your wondering OM is nothing like H, as far as I can tell so far. SO I don't think he reminded me in any way, you know??<P>Talk to you soon, Confused!<BR>

Hi Lonelymom,<BR>I'm glad you feel better about yourself. Plan A is tough and it is difficult to find that line between taking care of yourself with no LB to spouse and being a doormat...<P>Your decision to accept your H's divorce is completely your own. None of us can do something we can't do. We can try, we can learn, we can change, but it still doesn't mean that the marriage will make it.<P>I want to bring up something that troubles me in your post.<P>I saw a lawyer yesterday and one of the things we talked about was other relationships and the effect on children. She advised being very cautious about introducing new OP to kids, as kids do get attached and then if the new relationship also breaks up (she's a lawyer, not an optimist) the kids lose another person they've grown to trust and since they've already seen their parents break up, they will not learn the ways of commitment and longlasting love. She advised waiting 6 months to a year to introduce OP to kids. Your H obviously hasn't done that, but just because he is out of his mind, that should not affect your decisions to do the right thing. <P>I know I'm much more OP conservative than you, I didn't date at all for the 21 months since the first separation, but then, I didn't have divorce papers filed either, so my situation is not the same as yours. 27 is still very young. You've got time. I'm 40 and I feel I have plenty of time, besides we can't count on more than today anyway. A new relationship is exciting...and healing when you've just been run over by your spouse. I just want you to be careful/thoughtful with yourself and with your kids. You don't need to be in a hurry. Your kids are going to be going through a lot and they need at least one parent they can count on.<P>Okay, I'm stepping off my soapbox.<P>Hugs,<BR>Lor

Lor,<P>Thanks for replying, I haven't heard from you in a while. I agree, 6 months to a year is an excellent time frame. I have no intentions of introducing the girls to anyone in the near future. Also, I have no intention to start a new "relationship" just yet. Not that I am saying its totally casual, but its not committed either. I am just taking it slow and examining my feelings. Like I said earlier, I even thought about H last night. How disgusting to have him pop in my head before I went to sleep. <P>Thank you for your concern. I am going to be very cautious with the girls, and eventually when I do introduce them, it will be to my "friend" for a while even before anything. How are you? I hope you are OK.<P>Yes, the thing that pushed me off the deep end was the divorce papers. If you notice my posts, I was taking the abuse hard in Plan A, but once the papers were sent, I snapped. Keep in touch! Dana<BR>PS H moved in with OW a week after discovery too, that had an effect,they have now lived together 2 months.

Lonelymom,<P>Hang in there. Just when I think I'm doing better...I have a bad day too. It's not wrong to think about him. He was a big part of your life. <P>Anyway, I am following your lead and have contacted a single girlfriend of mine to go out on the town with this weekend. I'm excited. Thanks for giving me the idea! <P>Hang in there!<P>TB

Just be very careful, you think H is a creep, there are a whole handful out there!! Be safe and don't drink too much! Just go to have fun! Let me know how it goes!

LonelyMom, I am quite sure your confusing emotions are very normal, as we have all said you will have your moments when you will feel sad or miss H. But you have shared a huge part of your life with this man, your history your hopes, you are not a light switch that can turn it off that is not expected, but think about it, you are further along than you were when this first began, and you thought you wouldn't live through it, but you have. Maybe H is being nice because he knows how horrible he was to you. Maybe he is pretending to be happy as to not look like a fool for any foolish decisions. There are a lot of maybe's but it is not for you to figure out his disposition. Let him be nice, let him be not so nice, just let him be and you be TOO!

trying.. You bring up a lot of good points. I can't figure him out. I couldn't before while I was in Plan A and I certainly can't now. I just don't know what to feel anymore. This life is so crazy.<P>You are right, I was down and almost out before. There were times when I was driving and almost drove my car into an 18 wheeler. Twice. That is sad. Very sad. Sometimes I still wish I did it. I am sure that feeling will fade over time too.<P>I guess I just am shocked that my mood fell down a little today compared to yesterday, on my own, without H to blame this time. Maybe I am so used to this chaos, I am giving myself more trouble. Talk to you later! Dana<BR>

L. Mom.<P>I think I can give you two reasons for your wavering feelings aobut your H. I have heard this called persistance of attachement. It may not be that you still love your H as you used to or that you even like him any more. It is simply that you are not yet used to being without him. It is similar to people who have had a limb amputated but still think they can feel it.<P>My second reason is that you are still in love with the guy your H used to be. And to give up the guy who treated you so badly, you also have to give up on the good guy you once know too - and that is hard.<P>I think your feelings are very normal.<P>And your right,I have not been able to post as often over the past two weeks. I am trying to keep current though. It's nice to know I have been missed.<P>Acacia

Don't you just hate it when your going along feeling good and then boom<BR>something remindes you what your going<BR>thru and your down again! <P>I have some really good moments and then it's back to "what am I going to do!" <BR>I guess it's like they say one day at a time,<BR>Just wish each day would always be more positive than the last, OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE,<BR>I must be suffering from The PollyAnna Syndrom or something <P>I'm glad your doing so much better you have been to H#ll and back(or it just feels like it) and you deserve so much better. Take Care,<P>Does this guy maybe have a much older brother<BR>who would be willing to come South for a while? and enjoy the hot weather? LOL<P>------------------<BR>Peg

Hi everyone,<P>Just a quick update again. Today I am feeling much better again. A song came on the radio today that was about splitting up. Its called Bye Bye Bye, by Backstreet Boys. I was not sad once.<P>I am feeling pretty good today. Getting a little better each day. Happy for that anyhow. <P>Just checking in for any new replies. Dana<BR>

Dana - Divorce is like a Rollercoaster. There will be many ups and downs until it is finally over.<P>I am glad you are more at peace now. No one "hates you for giving up." We all have to decide for ourselves when enough is enough. I, too, decided to give up, because my H was no longer the man I married. He became someone I could no longer respect or trust. There was no way he was going to end it with OW. He is now married to her. I am so much better off without him. I hear through the grapevine that things are not all rosy with him, and that even his co-workers no longer respect him. He lost many friends because of his actions.<P>Please stay strong and keep us posted. My prayers are with you.

Hi Dana,<P>My eyesight is getting a little better each day and I thank you for your prayers...<P>I finally got to read this post of yours (responded to a later one already)...<P>Peronally... <BR>I think some more closure may be in order between you and your H. I can see "those" feelings popping up all too often of him. I don't want to make you feel bad about your decision... it's your's and it's <B>right</B> for you...<BR>But... like Profeesorg and Lor said...<BR>you can practice "carefulness" in a new relationship best by closing off the one with your H.<P>I know you said Plan B wasn't for you...<BR>but some <I>form</I> of it would give you that "closure". Where you won't be questioning yourself. A Plan B letter, for you, would not have to be a "love letter"... or even on asking for H to come back when separated from his OW. But more of an acknowledgment that <B>you've</B> grown... and can better continue growing while there is <B>no contact </B> with him... just that... No begging, pleading... for H to come back... just an acknowledgment of complete separation.<P>This is just an idea...<BR>It sounds like you've grown very comfortable with the idea of being on your own... that is <B>excellent</B>...(definitely the outcome desired at the end Plan B)... now maybe prove it to yourself... with np contact between you and your H?... <P>You've been so kind to me... <BR>I hope I didn't come across as pushy...<BR>...it really is just meant as an idea to think about. <P>Prayers to you Dana... <P>Jim

Jim,<P>Don't ever worry about offending me. I have been hurt so badly that not much "minor" stuff even gets to me lately.<P>That is a good idea about the letter. I like it. I am in the middle of this divorce, getting a resume and plowing through paperwork, but I am putting it on my list of things to do.<P>Actually he is stressing how he wants to be civil, and remain friends, well, that is what is causing my confusion, because I see the old H peaking thru. If I can just kindly tell him, I am not ready for all this friendliness and give me some space, would that be close to a Plan B ending> Let me know!! Dana<BR>

2 cents worth on your H from personal experience:<P>It is possible that your husband did not like the clingy needy you. The kind of person with no life and no mystery. A person that was merely a mirror of his personality. Now, that you are becoming strong, independent, etc. you are becoming much more attractive to him. However, his flawed character (he was unfaithful) may not be changing.<P>Don't feel guilty about giving up on your marriage too soon, you are the only one who has to feel comfortable with the decision. I respect you strength and integrity.

<B>lonelymom</B><P>I understand engineer_bob's reply, but I don't agree with it. When we entered into our relationship with our S we were 'ourselves.' As we continue in our lives together changes occur, like who gets to stay home with the kids, who does the grocery shopping, who takes out the garbage (all those little mundane tasks of day to day life). Does this mean that because we would still like some affection in our lives and request it from our spouses that we are being <B>too</B> needy? Perhaps, as viewed by our spouses - I think not. Once again, we get blamed for anothers actions - they had an affair so it must, somehow, be all (or at least partially) our fault. We all feel this anyway.<P>Why beat ourselves up about how we failed? Does it really serve a purpose? Self examination is great, how can <B>I</B> become a better person - for myself, but to continue blaming ourselves - sorry, I'm tired of it. Personally, I did not <B>drive</B> my H into the arms of OW - and I will not blame myself for my reactions to it. We have a right to our feelings, too.<P>Okay, so I'm beginning to babble. I just get quite upset when someone blames 'being too needy' as a reason for why spouses have, or continue, affairs.

Hi friends,<P>To engineer Bob - Part of your reply may have been taken out of context. I was not clingy, but I was a wreck when I found out of the affair. I have actually always been the strong one in our marriage, my H was clingy and needy and did nothing for me. Didn't help with the day to day stuff very well, didn't console me when I was hurt, and always needed me to do something for him. I was the giver and he was the taker. There was no in between. I agree though, he does see a different person standing before him. Maybe he likes it, too bad for him, because today, I really don't care. Don't get me wrong, I know more bad days are ahead. But it feels good to not NEED him at all. Yes I need his child support which isn't much to pay for helping raise 3 children, but other than that, I sometimes wish he just wasn't around at all.<P>TO RC - How are you doing? I did blame myself 100% in the beginning. THen I blamed OW 100%, like my H was some lost little boy who had been taken advantage of. Now I blame my H for most of it. Some of the stuff OW does is uncalled for, but he is a sweet talker, and she doesn't know that yet. I truly know she'll get what she deserves in time. But I offered to save the marriage on several occasions, he wanted no part in it. So at that point, I will NEVER blame myself for the break down of the marriage. I really don't blame myself for the affair either, which I think according to Harley is wrong, according to SAA book. But , not that I was perfect, BUT I did what ever he asked of me. So had he asked me to make changes to make our marriage better, I would have.<P>He met someone, he felt that spark, he thinks she's better than me, so he walked out, on XMAS day. He thinks the grass is greener. Yes they have a fat income tax check and no bills right now, but wait til child support, and his half of the bills kick in. He won't be able to golf once a week anymore now that he has kids every other weekend. He doesn't notice it yet, but in a few months, they will see a different side to one another. <P>Genie (i think that was her) had a great post today about what goes on, in the affair with H and OW. I can see what she means. I can see how this makes the affair die the natural death too. <P>I can't wait to see it die. I am sorry , I know that is wrong of me, but I can't wait. I want to see H feel guilt, pain and remorse. Sad thing is, he better have friends like our good friend Sobeit, because he truly is the clingy needy one. I have already told him those tactics will mean nothing to me down the road. (he has done this once before)<P>Thanks for all the replies. I really thought people would think I gave up too soon. I almost think its not a matter of length of time, but severity of abuse you take in the mean time. Some men, cut all ties with W and kids, and mine is the opposite, ramming himself down my throat every minute. He has been cruel and disgusting and I have not one bit of trust, respect or happy thought for him right now. I honestly don't think I can forgive him for what he has done. <P>Have a great weekend to you all, I am going out on the town tonite and I WILL have a great time. I am loving my freedom right now, and getting used to loving life again too!<P>Dana<BR>

Hey Dana,<BR>Did you get that book?<BR>You Really really need to get it!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com