Allen:<P>This has been an interesting thread to watch. Not sure if I agree with the airing of the private decisions between you and Cat here, but that's not my call to make. Here's how I see it as a veteran of almost 1 year of recovery:<BR><OL TYPE=1>1. <B>She's agreed to no contact.</B> That's good. Ya gotta start somewhere, and this is the best place to start. Now that she's committed, she needs to actually follow through. The recent contact is a setback, NOT a marriage killer. Gotta start all over again.<P>2. <B>You're working on Plan A.</B> That's also good. Eliminating the lovebusters will help fill her lovebank for you. You need that right now, because in the past, her support was OM. You've got to make it YOU. You've got to be the person she feels safe with. Can't do that when you blow up at her.<BR></OL>Now, you've got to extend a little trust. Yeah, I know . . . she hasn't earned it. Been through that argument with myself. Hardest thing for me to do was extend a little trust to my W. But, what choice do you have? Either you extend a little trust, or you don't. If you don't, you'll never get past the jealous, suspicious stage.<P>My therapist put it this way: "You can't put her in a cage and be around her 100 percent of the time, and then say 'Okay, NOW I trust you because I can see you and I will KNOW if you betray my trust.'"<P>It just doesn't work that way. You've got to give her the opportunity to be tempted and to fail you. If she's truly committed to ending contact, she WON'T fail. Each day that goes by in which she DOESN'T fail, your trust will build THAT much more.<P>Each day that goes by where she is HONEST with you about feeling tempted to call, or if she's honest with you about failing and making contact, you'll know that she's truly committed to being honest with you.<P>Now, it's your job to not overreact; to not get loud and abusive; to be supportive and helpful in getting her over the withdrawal, because there WILL be withdrawal.<P>If, after you've been as supportive and loving as possible, she STILL can't keep her promise, then YOU will have a decision to make regarding your future. However, you need not make that decision NOW. Give it a chance. Let her try and fail a few times before you make any drastic decisions.<P>I think you'll find that she'll pass the tests if she's truly committed to ending this thing. If not, then what have you lost? You will have given her EVERY opportunity, and it will be SHE who can't make it work for you guys.<P>Honestly, I think she CAN make it work, and she WILL make it work. Y'all just need to lay off the disrespectful judgments and really LISTEN to each other. . . FEEL each other's pain, and EMPATHIZE with the difficulty of each others' situations. The trust will return. You just need to extend a little faith, and she needs to prove that she's WORTHY of the trust.<P>That's how it worked for me and Petunia, and that's how it works for everyone. There's no quick, easy fix. It takes time and effort, and y'all can DO IT!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited March 06, 2000).]

<BR>Cat & Allen,<P>First, Cat, I can't put it in nice words, but it needs to be said: Your "I thought the deadline was at this time" is a dog-ate-the-homework excuse, and everyone knows it. The other posters here aren't saying the obvious, so I will. Shame on you. Allen is looking for something - anything - to begin rebuilding trust, and you've slapped him once again. Can you answer me this: Was that last call to the OM worth kicking Allen in the stomach? And I might as well finish this thought - I'd bet Allen is even having trouble believing the sincerity of your apology - I mean, after all, would YOU believe YOU? In short, Cat, stop playing deadline interpretation games and start honoring the *spirit* of your no contact pledge.<P>Now Allen: I don't know why Cat felt the need to contact the OM once more. It could have been a farewell forever call. We don't know, and the only thing we can be sure of is that she just reset the withdrawal clock back to zero. Suck it up, this is when Plan A gets you the most mileage. She's pledged no contact, and any Clintonesque appeals to fuzzy deadlines are now past. Set the "trust meter" to zero and let her try and repair all the damage she's done. Its the ONLY way you'll save your marriage. Lone Star is right, ultimately you're going to HAVE to trust her anyhow, or you'll drive yourself nuts. A little bit at a time is the way to get there. Start now.<P>Bystander

Somewhere I read that there are usually a couple slips after a decision of no contact is made. <P>My husband had a couple slips. They devestated me, but I did my best to stay supportive. (Although the second one I found out about almost had me convinced to go for the divorce. The only thing that stopped me from lovebusting is that I went and talked to family and friends before I saw him.)<P>Sparkydog, is there a place where you can write or talk about all your anger and let it out in a way that Cat won't overhear it and be hurt by it? Maybe a journal, your mom or dad. A personal counselor? My husband doesn't visit this forum so my raw emotions are expressed a bit more here. Cat is here so things you say need to be managed a bit more. <P>Not to say you should close up your feelings, but feelings get hurt a whole lot less when you are able to step away from the incident a bit and express it as "I feel this way when you do this." That is difficult to do when you are ticked off beyond belief.<P>Cat,<BR>It was one slip. I had my driver's license a week when I ran into the back of a car in a parking lot. I'm a very conscientious person so this really threw me. I thought for sure my mother and father would ground me, take away the car, and not let me drive until I was eighteen, but when they arrived my mom got into the passenger seat and said, "You drive. You've just got to get back on the horse when you're thrown." A mistake means you learn from it and get back on. Have you thought about what conditions were present to tempt you to slip? Can you eliminate those conditions? <P>Hang in there guys. With a little perseverance you too can make it.