Justlearning.<P>I'm not really mad, I am fighting the urge to be defensive, and I am extremely confused.<P>I have reread your posts, printed out and read again, read while sober, read while drunk, read other posts you made to me before.<P>Disclaimer - I am an intelligent woman, but I guess I'm missing something here.<P>I am hearing contradictory info. I am having trouble comprehending how I can work harder to see to his needs and work harder to take care of myself at the same time.<P>I'm tired and discouraged and I am giving up hope. I know I wanting too much, kind of like the child who circles for everything in the JCPenney Wishbook hoping to atleast get the few things they put darker circles and stars by from Santa.<P>I am taking better care of myself in that I am finding ways outside of my marriage to make myself happy. What scares me is how much happier I am when I'm doing those things rather than being with my H. I fear that I am losing affection for him and that knowledge is becoming less important to me.<P>Dr. Harley says that we should satisfy each others needs within the marriage and I am not doing that at this time (I'm not having an affair, it has nothing to with that at all). I'm also hearing that I need to take care of myself in order to be better at satisfying his needs. He can't satisfy my needs because he doesn't know what they are, but would be able to satisfy them better if I were satsifying his. WHAT A MESS.<P>I've written before that I am a perfectionist. I need to start over that is what every ounce of my heart is crying out to me. Throw away the paper and get a new one without any erase marks. I use that example because it is the one my son's dr. had me look for, it is a classic sign.<P>I am much better at starting over than I am fixing things. I don't have the strength to overcome this because I have never had to have strength, I left that up to him.<P>I am going to really concentrate on my attitude. I have gleamed that from your posts.<P>Here is my perception. If I feel better about myself and deal with my depression then I can give him what I can give him and work on the things I can't which will hopefully help him to give me what he can give me and want to work on the rest.<P>I have made a vow to not just let his hatefull and belittling comments go. I am going to make sure I tell him when he does hurt my feelings (and try to do it without lovebusting) so maybe I can show him the areas where I still have such trouble.<P>Whatya think, did I graduate.<P>P.S. I tried again to make an appointment with my dr. for dep. meds. I may have to change primary care physician because I'm not having any luck reaching him.

Essyboo,<P>What I am telling you is that you have more control of your H's behavior than you think. I wish I could remember the name of the book about changing other peoples behavior by how you interact with them. Maybe FHL is the one who knows this.<P>All this boils down to is that you can and do control your H's behavior and H yours. For example, if he says certain things you will usually react a certain way. Try reacting completely different. You will see him back up and think about this. If he is belittling you, instead of doing what you do normally ( I don't know, assuming a defensive posture or attitude) look him in the eye and say I don't like what you said, kiss him and walk out. You will have one very confused H on your hands.<P>You do control him in many ways by how your react to him. That is why I suggested giving love to him. It is like training a dog (This statement will definitely get me thrown out of the Fraternity ). If you want positive behavior reward it. If don't want negative behavior call attention to it and don't reward it. As you said in one of your posts, "He only responds to what I can do for him. If I treat him great he acts fine, but if I get down he starts up the hatefulness and belittling again." I believe there is evidence that he can be brought around. Oh! and by the way don't well all like to be treated great? You cannot do it for him when you are down and he cannot do it for you when you are down.<P> You see you need to do this because you are the one who is asking for the help. Really weird isn't it that ones asking for help are told to do the helping. Something very Biblical in that isn't there?<P>Try to become his friend. Do somethings with him and invite him to do things with you. Reward him if he does. Oh! Essyboo, the fun you can have with this whole thing if you can get your attitude right.<P>I am still betting that he is still feeling very guilty about what he has done. He really needs you to take the lead on this and he will pick up things and help you too.<P>I also mentioned on your other thread about his MIL. If she were to explain to him how she felt about her father, it may open his eyes to his own behavior. Dear Lady, you are both religious people. Revelations do work.<P>Have some faith in yourself. <P>Got to go do some work. <P>God Bless You and Your H

I doubt I could get MIL to talk to him unless she was told about the affair. He does not want to tell her and I have no choice but to honor his decision. I would like for her to know because he has grown very distant to her since his affair. This is due in a large part to guilt and her fragile emotions. He fears she will not be able to handle his failure. I feel she deserves to know why her son no longer calls her and why he is so distant. She has changed Churches and a lot of her religious beliefs and she feels he is disapproving of her. Anyway that is another subject. I cannot tell her because she is his mother.<P>She is an extremely private person. She has never interfered in our marriage or any of our personal matters. Even when asked, she keeps her opinions to herself. I doubt she has made much progress confronting my FIL. He is very self-centered. I know she has tried to get him to go to her counsellor and he has completely refused even when it was for her benefit.

I'm going to bed now.<P>I am exhausted form our counselling and then a school Christmas program. (My kid was the cutest and by far the most talented, by the way ).<P>Just Learning, It is obvious I am a glutton for self-induced punishment, but I also recognize someone that has a lot to offer (maybe in an a sexist man's point of view, but we take what we can get, right let's face it, I am dealing with a sexist man).<P>Anyway, be patient. Eventually my moods will swing upward and hopefully I will be able to get an appointment with my Primary Care Physician and get on a chemically control swing.<P>I'm not sure what I will do, but I feel I am minutely closer to being able to make the decision to stay as apposed to having not decided to leave. I will cling to any positive I can find.<P>Good night.<P>I love you guys. Ya'll fulfull a lot of the void that remains.<P>Prayers are with you and all the others that are suffering and haven't found our haven (the forum) yet.<p>[This message has been edited by Essyboo (edited December 04, 1999).]