Lora,<BR>I know how difficult this whole situation is. One thing I discovered after the affair was totally out is that I was not making home a safe place for my h. You can bet the ow was doing this. Everytime he was late, I would interogate. I always said it was because I was interested in where he was, but really I wanted to control where he was. Maybe instead of asking where h was, start showing an "interest" and asking "how" work was. Make yourself easy to talk to. Become a person that is easy to be around. Men's needs are recreation, sex, comfortable home, etc. The one that I was truly missing was admiration. Men need to be told how wonderful they are. I would tell other people how wonderful h was, but never quite remembered to tell him. Now I make sure he hears about the things he does well and that I appreciate. I want our home to be a place he feels safe and comfortable. The more I worked on this after discovery, the less he had to blame on me for his affair. Nothing is easy in this and you cannot change your h or make his decisions for him. The only thing you can do is make yourself the best you can be. Whether or not your h ever gives you that letter, you know what he is percieving as a love buster. I'm sure you are not doing those things to lb, but that is how he percieves them. You have a choice to change your actions or continue to get the same cold response from your h when you do ask the questions. The 20 ? method is not working, so go try something else!!!! Don't try to be a fix it fox!! As time goes on, the affair will no longer consume your intire thought process. Don't look for anything from your h until he is through withdrawal. I know this is not fair and your needs will not be met. Don't even look for your needs to be met for quite some time. You are in Plan A, not your h. Make yourself fun to be around

lora<BR>derby and d & c are telling some good advice that i had to learn the hard way.<BR>when you were doing the 20 questions you became someone he hated to be around. my husband did't want to come home until it was time for the children to go to bed and he knew i would be going to bed soon after. it was like he avoided me as much as possible. he didn't tell me important things.<P>when i finally made the decision that i could not control him, things change. we slowly strated talking to each other more(and those first few of conversation were about how that make me feel when you do that) i realized that home wasn,t a happy place for him but the ow made life less stressful for him when he was there ( i learned this from reading at the OW message boards). Your going to continue to not trust him but your not going to be able to control him only you.

Beth, Thanks, you are much further along the path than me. I have tried the writting things down, but H doesn't give me any response and I feel frustrated about it. I feel the same way about the rrommates thing too.<P>Derby, Yes the 20 ? is not working. Last night I came home and did'nt ask any. It is hard as I realize that sometimes I ask questions when I can be just stating things so I have tried to turn those things around. But some things I have to ask and now I feel so selfconsios about every qustion. He doesnt talk at all so some things I need to know, like what time our flight is and if he wants to stay at the airport the night before. iguess there is a difference between the 20 questions and need to know ones, but I am too sensitve to the issue right now to see it.<P>Sadlady,<BR> Yes, my H talks about all his stress too. I will try to be more fun and less questioning. Its such a struggle when I feel so alone though. Our vacation will be a good time to work on it as I will be more relaxed and not worring about OW.<P>Lora