i need help i am sitting here in tears he just left. i met him about 4 months ago when i moved here and met him one day and the next we were having an affair, Litterly, i am so upset with myself that i let this happen and i don't know what to do. he told his wife a few days ago and now of course she wants to work things out with him and he says he doesn't think that he wants to, i know that i should just end contact with him and move on but he was just here and he wanted me to help make the decission of weather he should leave his wife and 2 kids or not of course i told him he should do the right thing. oh my god this hurts really BAD. someone please help.<P>------------------<BR>lost

Lost,<P>Glad you found MB but sorry for why you are here. You have taken a big first step! There are several OW and OM here so you are not alone.<P>You will get support from everyone here. We are all willing to help.<P>First things first, please stop all contact with this man! He has a wife and children and they deserve the chance to have a WHOLE family. If his marriage breaks up, do you really want it to be because of you?? Most affairs die within months after discovery. The odds are against a relationship between you and MM lasting. <P>Read everything you can on this site. Then read, post and read and post some more. <P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Lost,<BR>there is a really good post on the board. You really need to read it. It made me cry. Let me find it and I will let you know.<BR>Nancy

lost11,<BR>I think you know what is right to do. Even if he and his wife don't work things out a relationship with him may end up being futile. Could you ever really trust him? He has shown the inability to work through marital problems and has cheated on his wife. The statistics are not good for second marriages and even worse for those relationships that are born out of an affair. Break contact with him and go on with YOUR life, don't let him dictate to you where the relationship should go, take charge of your life and be strong. Come here for the support you need to get through the rough spots.<P>I really don't have any other advice to offer you, my experience is limited as I am on the other side of the fence but I wanted to send you prayers and hugs...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lost11}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Ok<P>It is on page 3. <BR>From: Azhootie<BR>March 7th 7:50pm<BR>Topic: Booked a flight to be with Married Man Please talk me out of it.<P>On the first page is a reply from Soulloss.<BR>Read that...and by all means read all of the replies. That might give you some insight.<BR>Nancy<p>[This message has been edited by MENTAL (edited March 09, 2000).]

thanks so much for your support i need all of it i can get this is so hard. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Patient Love:<BR><B>lost11,<BR>I think you know what is right to do. Even if he and his wife don't work things out a relationship with him may end up being futile. Could you ever really trust him? He has shown the inability to work through marital problems and has cheated on his wife. The statistics are not good for second marriages and even worse for those relationships that are born out of an affair. Break contact with him and go on with YOUR life, don't let him dictate to you where the relationship should go, take charge of your life and be strong. Come here for the support you need to get through the rough spots.<P>I really don't have any other advice to offer you, my experience is limited as I am on the other side of the fence but I wanted to send you prayers and hugs...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lost11}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>lost

Dear Lost,<P>You did the right thing, twice tonight. First, you told him to stay with his family. That's the right decision for everyone, including you, even though it may not feel that way right now.<P>The second right choice you made was in reaching out for help. All of us need help at the difficult times in our lives, and I sure think this qualifies. <P>You can make it three for three in right choices if you decide to call a professional counselor tomorrow. This is too big for you to try to tough it out alone. Talk with someone who has helped people through things like this hundreds of times. <P>Finally, and most importantly, pray. I don't know where you are in your relationship with God right now, or even if you have one. If you haven't ever surrendered your life to Christ, now would be a great time. He is the one who has all the answers and the peace you so desperately need.<P>If you want to, but aren't sure how, let me know. Leaning on Him is what got me through the agony of my own wife's affair. If you'd like to read my story, I posted it here just this morning.<P>Don't look back, only forward...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>

wow i am so glad i found MB i need this support desreratley.<BR>BrokenButNotCrushed: i have no relationship with god and i want so badly to believe but how can these things happen. i know i should get some professional help but i don't know if i can make that huge step. thanx so much for your support.<BR>Mental: thanx for pointing azhootie out for me i am in the process of reading the whole thing thanx for your support.<BR>Patient love: i do know what is right but it is so hard. i am going to be strong hopefully thanx so much for the hugs i really need them right now.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrokenButNotCrushed:<BR><B>Dear Lost,<P>You did the right thing, twice tonight. First, you told him to stay with his family. That's the right decision for everyone, including you, even though it may not feel that way right now.<P>The second right choice you made was in reaching out for help. All of us need help at the difficult times in our lives, and I sure think this qualifies. <P>You can make it three for three in right choices if you decide to call a professional counselor tomorrow. This is too big for you to try to tough it out alone. Talk with someone who has helped people through things like this hundreds of times. <P>Finally, and most importantly, pray. I don't know where you are in your relationship with God right now, or even if you have one. If you haven't ever surrendered your life to Christ, now would be a great time. He is the one who has all the answers and the peace you so desperately need.<P>If you want to, but aren't sure how, let me know. Leaning on Him is what got me through the agony of my own wife's affair. If you'd like to read my story, I posted it here just this morning.<P>Don't look back, only forward...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>lost

Dear Lost,<P>You are doing the right thing in posting here and trying to get help from others who can offer you insight. I am on OW myself and this place has really given me the strength to continue to try to make the break. <P>Please be aware that there are LOTS of people hurting here and you will not be well received by everyone. There are MANY who will welcome you with open arms and understand the pain you are dealing with and admire you for trying to do the right thing, but just be prepared for the few who will say mean and ugly things to you. Thankfully, it's only a handful!!!! The pain of withdrawal is difficult enough without having someone bash you.....like you're not beating yourself up enough already? Sheesh, we wouldn't be here seeking help if the guilt wasn't eating us alive.<P>Please also understand that no matter how good your intentions are, you may backslide and instead of cursing yourself for doing so, applaud yourself for each time you DON'T pick up the phone or see him. That's the only way I am getting thru this. <P>Lastly......SEEK GOD. Lost, He is there for you and wants so desperately to help you through this. All you have to do is cry out to Him. He hears you and He feels your pain. <P>Please use this board anytime you feel weak or just need to put down in words the torment you are bound to feel as you go thru the pain of separation. People will help you here.<P>I will keep you in prayer. <P>Judy

az: i have read some of your posts and boy this is terrably hard. i do need the prayers and lots of hugs. i feel very weak because i am here in this town and haven't really met anyone and my family are hours away so i feel so alone. i don't know what i am trying to say here but holy i need to be strong,<BR>this is hell. i do wish you continued success and hope i can have the strenth you have.<P>------------------<BR>lost

lost,<P>I don't mean any of my comments to sound harsh. Please, please think of how the wife must be feeling! I don't know if this man told you he was married, or separated, or whatever it was that he told you. All I know is how devastated his wife must be feeling. How devastated his children must feel. If you have been lied to by him - how devastated you must feel! But - <B>He is married!</B><P>My H's OW still 'holds' on to him....."as friends" yeah, right. Don't do this to his wife. <B>If</B> they divorce, that's when you can begin to see if you really want to build a relationship with this man - not before. My H has said that he will <B>never</B> get married again if we get divorced. Maybe this is enough for the OW - I don't think it would be and maybe H is lying, I don't know.<P>I hope you can do what is right. You do not know the 'whole' story - only his perspective. His W may not even have known that anything was wrong. She loves him enough to give him a second (or maybe third, or fourth, or fifth, or sixth or seventh.............chance) when will you say enough is enough? Will you take the chance that she will? Will you take the chance that he will finally break all contact with his wife and family? I'm sorry for you. I wish for real happiness for you.<BR>

Dear Lost,<P>It's really quite simple. There's an emptiness in your life right now. And it hurts really bad. You can try to fill it with another affair or some other self-destructive behavior, but is that what you really want?<P>Just like I did, you need to invite Jesus into your heart. Only He can fill the empty space inside and give you peace and purpose in life.<P>There isn't some fancy, complicated ritual. It's just a simple prayer from the heart. If you want to give your life to Him now, pray these words and believe in their power to transform your life:<P>Dear Jesus,<P>I know I'm a sinner. I've done some terible things, and without your help, I'll want to go on doing them. But I believe that you want to help me. In fact, I believe that you actually died for me on a cross 2,000 years ago to pay the price for my sins. When you rose again, it was with the promise of eternal life for all who believe.<P>I trust in you for the salvation of my eternal soul. I invite the Holy Spirit to come dwell in my heart, and be my comforter, as You said He would. I give you my life, Lord. Mold me into the person that you intended me to be.<P>In Jesus' Name,<P>Amen.<P>...<P>Praying that prayer was the single best decision of my life. I hope it will be for you, too. Let me know.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>

Hi Lost,<P>One thing I can say and I hope it will help you in your decision to break it off with him is always remember that the wife will always and I mean always be in the picture because of the kids. If you break it off and go about your life and meet someone unattached you will be better in the long run and so will this family. My h still loves me but has very strong feelings for OW. You must not at all interfere with his decisions and maybe it would be best to halt seeing him during this process.<P>I hope you make the right and only choice you can make. <P>Pam<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Pinky (edited March 10, 2000).]

Lost,<P>You are not lost. You're at home!! Check this post:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

lost, <P>you've got some good advice above. I'll add my ideas to help give you amunition to fight your battle.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>i need help </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I'm glad you came here, this is a great place to get the help you need<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>i am so upset with myself that i let this happen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Did you know he was married when you met him? If you didn't know then you are as much a victim as his wife. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>and i don't know what to do.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>since you are new in town and don't know many people you will have to much time alone and you'll find yourself very tempted to fill that time with OM. <P>Is there a college where you can take some night classes? Some high schools offer adult night classs also. Maybe sign up for a class for 2 reasons. <P>1. meet people and make new friends <P>2. fill up that empty time to help you fight the temptation to see OM<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>she wants to work things out with him and he says he doesn't think that he wants to </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>most people involved in an affair don't want to work to save their marriage while the affair is going. He will say this because he's living a fantasy right now. <P>When he wakes up from the fantasy and sees the results of the affair, who do you think he will blame for it? <P>Right now he blames his wife. If he divorces her and lives with you, or marries you, then someday soon he will "wake up" and blame you just like he's blaming her now.<P>He's already proven to you that he won't be a faithful husband. Think about that, would you want to be the wife of a man who treats his family this way?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>oh my god this hurts really BAD. someone please help</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Please don't think I'm saying these things to hurt you. Just the opposite, this is the information you need to win the battle you are fighting. <P>I wish you were my H's OW. I would give you a big hug for being the one with the strength to do what you know is right. Here's a big hug anyway, because you are doing the right thing.<P>((((((((((((((( lost )))))))))))))))<P><BR>Keo<P> <P>

Lost11,<P>There isn't a lot I can offer in the way of advice right now. Just know that everyone on this board is hurting like you and that we all are trying our best to get though a tough situation. We try our best to support everyone here, OP included Just ask azhootie. I can offer:<P>cyber hugs {{{{{{{Lost11}}}}}}<BR>prayers, the candle is lit and prayers have been offered.<BR>support, I've been hurt by an OP, but I do realize the feelings are very real, whether I want to or not..<P>I do ask that you give no contact a chance, let your MM decide for himself what he really wants. We will be here for you, regardless of how much you backslide. We all do it. Just keep posting to let us know how you are doing. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Alex: thanx for pointing that out.<P>Keosha: thanx for the amo, and yes i did know he was married and i didn't stop it, i couldn't. wow you really make me think when you quote me. and i will be looking into taking some classes or something of the sort.<BR>i wish i was no ones OW... i wish you the best.<BR>Sparkydog: thanx i do need the hugs and the prayers, the feelings are very real. i am going to give this everything i have NO CONTACT. so sorry for your hurt.<BR>RCoaster: i need to hear it all weather it be harsh or not, i am a horrable person for what i have done and am going to try and move forward. i do think very much about his wife and children thats why i am here. i can't imagine what they are going through and i don't want that to be me in a few years time. thanx<BR>Pinky: you make such a strong and good point his wife will always be in the picture and i do not want that. i am going to try my hardest, no contact.<BR>BBNC: LOTS OF TEARS right now, i have printed the prayer and i am going to give it my all. God give me strength. i have read your story and am so glad that there can be happy endings. thanx for sharing

Lost,<P>You are NOT a horrible person. The fact that you are posting here says otherwise. You are a human being, one of God's children who made a terrible mistake. But who among us can say that haven't made mistakes in their lives? God lumps all sin together....murderers, adulterers, etc. There is no one sin that is greater than another in His eyes. Now it's up to you (and me) to turn from this sin and move forward to find someone who can give us 100% and not ruin or damage others' lives in the process!!! Be strong, pray that prayer that BBNC offered. Also, you will find strength in numbers. Find a church and try to become active in it. If you're not a Christian, it may be difficult and intimidating at first but I assure you, it will help in the long run. <P>And keep posting and asking for help here. You're sure to get it!<P>Happy Friday <P>Judy

Glad you found your way here!!!<BR>Kathi

Lost,<P>Welcome to the MB forum. You will find peace and comfort here. I can not offer advice on your specific dilemma because I am the betrayed wife.<P>All I can say is try your hardest to do what is right here. This man has a wife and children. She has made many sacrifices for him, I am sure, and their marriage can become stronger because of this. If anything think of the children because they deserve their parents together, if it is at all possible.<P>AZHootie has some good threads, I am able to learn a lot of my own situation through her, there are a few other OW here, you will probably get some peace from them as well.<P>Be strong, and prayers are with you. Dana<P><BR>