Thanks once again for your constant feedback on this issue I now have enough information to be able to make an informed decision.<P>Just one more point to consider however is that the likelyhood of this new relationship succeeding long term is remote (from what I have read it lies between 3 - 7%). Being a single 41 year old guy with no previous husband or father relationship experience the chances must be at the lower end of the scale? <P>This means that all this upheaval in my daughter's life is likely to be repeated when the relationship finally collapses. <P>I know there is not much I can do regarding that side of it but it also could affect my decision.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

Fairenough,<P>I agree that it might be helpful to prepare your daughter for the fact that the OM will probably disappear out of her life.<P>I think it is impossible for the OM to ever be good to her. Frank Pittman said that the the OP can not care about the children of the married person, because if they did they would not participate in destroying their family. They can pretend to be kind, they can even think they are being kind, but they are really being selfish. It is one thing to continue to love your parent, or to forgive your parent, but there is no good reason to encourage a relationship with a non-parent who does not have the child's best interest at heart. A person can not be a non-remorseful betrayer and a good person simultaneously.<P>It may be a good idea in theory to have both parents tell the child together, but in most cases I can't imagine the betrayer being willing to go along with that. <P>

Nellie1 thanks for validating my thoughts, I to have read "Private Lies" and draw much of my wisdom from his research. I agreee and thank you for your comments.<P>Take care<BR>Fairenough

Fairenough,<BR> I went thru your exact situation except my w's om was married and he moved in with her 2 weeks later. She told the kids she had a room mate and later let it be known that it was a man friend.<P>I did tell me d (12)that her mother was committing adultery. She took it in stride and even told her mother that. I never did find out what w said to that.<P>My 8 yo told his counselor that he knew that his parents would get remarried. And when the counselor asked, he said his mother to her room mate, er, boyfriend. So he knew without me saying anything.<P>My kids both think that the separation is the same as a divorce. But deep down they hope we work it out(we aren't).<P>My stbx was trying to force om down everybodies throat too and I fought her hard about it. She finely saw the light and would only see the kids when he was at work. He did take my son and his mother on a shopping trip and did meet my daughter.<P><BR>I am torn between teling them and not. ON one hand it makes me sick to think my kids would have a SF, but on the other I think it was the kids that broke them up. Stbx was threatening to take the kids from me and that would have ruined their plans for fun and games with no resposibility.<P>Now that he is back in the picture, I believe she has told them that she doesn't want custody and is fine with the visitation.<P>I read somewhere where you should not run your w or om down as he might end up being the SF and you want your child to have a good relationship as opposed to have them fighting.<P>Sorry , I can't be more definitive, but my mind is mush right now.<P>Hang in there.

About a year ago I was faced with the question, "do I tell my H the truth or do I live with a lie to save him the pain he will inevitably feel?" A wise man offered me this very simple, yet very profound bit of advice that I will now pass along to you. . . <P>First, act with love and integrity if you choose to speak.<BR>Second, remember that GOD can do more with the truth than YOU can ever do with a lie.<P>Good luck,<BR>FC

fairenough,<P>I would vote for telling the daughter that you love her dearly and if you could you would be with her every day. I would then explain as much as possible that you and W are separated because of OM. The exact words depend on the maturity of your daughter.<P>She needs to know that her father has not abandoned her. THis is especially true if you move back to Melbourne. I vote for telling.<P>Facing Choices<P>It is good to hear from you again. I hope things are looking up for you and your H. Give us an update someday soon.<P>God Bless All of You.

I have read all the posts as to your question. Male point of view here: Inform your daughter that she can talk to you or she may ask any question that she likes. Tell her that you will answer the best you can. Don't tell her more than she asks. Let her be the one who decides! good luck

When I got divorced there was not adultery but there was other things which were very bad. My XH lied to me about many things. We lost everything we owned. I had a counselor at the time and talked to her about it. I was very angry at my XH and it was hard not to let the kids know that he had ruined our lives and let them see my anger. The counselor said that this is about your marriage and the end of your marriage. Even though your marriage will end, your H will not stop being their father. If you help children dislike their parent by telling them things they probably already know and telling them that their parent is doing a bad thing, it will only lead them to dislike themselves. Children can't dislike a parent without disliking themselves. They can't make the separation and this is even true with teenagers. The therapist also said that children know way more than we think and we don't have to tell them anything. In this case, I would be almost sure that this D knows what is going on and is dealing with the very best she can. After my H moved out, he started dating strippers in just a few weeks. Then he would have one living with him and it seemed to change every few months. Fornicating is against the 10 commandments just as much as adultery. But I didn't ever put their Dad down or say I didn't like what he was doing. I just lived my own life in a way that they would see the right way of doing things. So far my kids have turned out great. They have a good relationship with their Dad. They don't act like him and they don't like the things he does. But he is their Dad and they love him. I think I did the right thing. I don't think I would ever sit down and tell the kids about my affair because I dealt with it myself and returned to church and told my pastor. He prayed with me many times. I know God has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself. If my kids ever asked me or found out from someone else, then I would discuss it with them and tell them how sorry I was that it happened. This is something that could happen because I am now with the man I had the affair with. But we had no contact of any kind at all for a year and a half and he did not contact me again until he had left and filed for divorce. He didn't know if I would still be around or not. I know they would still love me but I see no reason to tell them about this private thing in my life. They would know it is not how I live my life but just fell of Gods path. <P>Del

My W and D have been over my place today for a BBQ. Whilst chatting with my W she mentioned that my D had stayed over with one of her school friends last night. <P>Apparently, after my W picked her up and on the way home in the car, D asked if OM was Moms boyfriend (obviously her school friends have heard rumours and were asking her). My W explained that OM was a good friend but not necessarily Moms BF. My W then casually asked D if she liked OM to which my D replied "yes". My W then asked would it then be alright if OM became her BF to which my D replied "No, it just doesn't feel right".<P>This almost brought tears to my eyes when she told me as I know a lot of what she is going through (I had a step father from the age of 14). <P>Fairenough

I think you have gotten some good advice and some not as good.<P>I don't think you should tell your daughter anything. Her mother has already told her a friend and she is obviously not ready to tell her anything different. You might want to ask yourself why? Besides I would not be so quick to take the burden off of your W. To let her off the hook of having to own up to and confess her own actions is not to good, she should have to face it and as long as you don't take that away from her she can't help but do some soul searching at the same time. <BR>Plus, once our children enter the picture it can often changes the circumstances dramatically.<BR>And don't forget that she knows the history of their meeting also and it will come up again.<P>I am an old member and I am recovery from an affair myself and I have only my best intentions of sharing some of the things I have learned but if you are interested in some of my advice on what I have learned, I got up on the soap box on another post, from ThisAlex.<P>Hang in There.<BR>Genie

You need to look at the whole picture. Your daughter's mother has told her that this is just a friend, for somereason that is the only thing she is willing to admit to right now. WHY?<P>Don't feel the need to take the burden of explaining herself off of her shoulders. I agree that it would backfire on you and not be benefitial in the end.<P>It feels like forever I know but you may be reaching a point that could turn things around in your favor. Things are changing in this relationship trust me and you want to look like the attractive alternative to any problems that will arise. Keep in mind to that with children comes responsibility that takes alot of fun out of the fantasy.<P>Be strong and be that silent & atrtractive alternative.<P>Genie

Genie29<P>I don't even remember rubbing the lamp but what a refreshing post.<P>I hope you're right with your thoughts on the status of our relationship, but as we speak the OM is around at my W place on a Sunday evening. <P>The alternative for my W and D this evening, as suggested by me, was to spend a night at Carols by Candelight just around from our home. I thought it would be a close family encounter considering the fact that we are not spending Xmas together (she is spending with OM). <P>My wife was too tired however to go to the Carols by Candelight but not too tired to entertain the boyfriend!<P>So instead I went to a singles bar and got drunk which got me more depressed. I must admit your post livened me up somewhat upon my return home. Thanks for the effort, it was truly appreciated.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough<P><BR>