NoTrust,<P> I have always been as faithful as the familty dog in every relationship I ever had. I don't know what it is like to have an affair but I am also human and a male in a sexless marriage right now so let me offer some opinions. I don't know if your husband feels this, I don't agree that some of what I feel is right. I don't think I make a very good example of a husband but I do know I have never acted on any of these thoughts.<P><BR> The statement <P>"It didn't mean anything. I don't even remember what sex was like with her. I was too drunk. If anyone were to know that I were with her, they wouldn't even believe it. She reminds me more of a man than a woman. She's not even attractive."<P>I can actually understand and I can honestly believe it to be true BUT I WOULD STILL LOVE TO HIT HIM FOR IT. In my life at this point in time if it has legs it better be careful and this does include my dogs. I think All males are "Pigs" it's just that some of us keep this pig to our selfs.<P>Your nest part<P>I'm here thinking....he wasn't too drunk to find his way over to her house and sleep with her 4 times. He wasn't drunk when he stole our family money and had flowers sent to her on Valentine's Day and then a $50 gift certificate sent to her when it was her birthday last year.<P> My wife did similar things to me. I remember bring her coke for drinks and it was for the two of them. Many was the time I was home keep up that end and she was out with him. She told me at one point that they "look into each others eyes and went for it" (KILL KILL KILL). I could go on and on. To day she can't understand what was wrong with her. I have found that in my life 2+2=3 and this does seem to be true. My reality is only an illusion.<P> I'm rambling now but my point is this. IT HURTS, IT STILL HURTS. A few weeks ago I bought up the issue of sex and told her I had a problem with she would go to bed with this OM on a weekly basis because "Well that was only as often as they could get together". I think this may have been a mistake but it was eating me up.<P> Ramble, ramble, ramble, It's a sign of just how much we are hurting. <P> The bottom line is that reguardless of how screwed up my life is right now I honestly think that if you could let some of the pain fall to the side and move on rebuilding your marriage I think you can start making life better.<P> About the middle of Jan in the counsoler's office I got blasted by the statement that "Maybe I still have feelings for him". Besides knocking me for a loop and running my heart thought the grinder one more time, I was at a lost for where it came from what was going on or even what day it was.<P> Now, here is a good point to remember. First, my wife is honest with me she will open up to me (I just can't dig to deep or she'll clam up if she is not ready). After a day or two of shock I started to attack this problem and start talking to her. We picked apart these feelings to determine what they ready are. I had to work, I had to carefully dig and I had to suffer thought some really ugly things (Swimming in an out house would have been moer enjoyable). We finally piece it apart and came up with that what she really loved is the feelings she was experiencing and that these feelings could come from anyone. She was able to see that she really didn't have any feelings for him. What she really wanted was to get those feelings from me and she wanted thoese feelings to come from me before any of this started.<P> Those involved in an affair do seem to be missing something. This lost seems to have build up into some huge desire and the OP will fill this hence this is actually all it is (it didn't settle my stomach either but now you know who your emeny really is).<P> It's hard to face and I hard to say it but you have failed to fill some of his needs and the OW did. When your husband married you he picked you because you filled everything he needed. Some how this got lost. If you can find this you can rebuild a relationship better then the day you got married.<P> It's not easy but I have had a taste of this and IT'S GREAT <BR>If you two are going to make it though this mess your marriage is going to have to grow. You will have to learn to be exactly what each other needs. You will learn to communicate like never before.<P> It's hard but try and focus on today and the future. YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST SO DROP IT AND MOVE ON.<BR>

Getting Better....<P>Just as you have advised....move forward....my therapist recommended the same thing.<P>I believe that I am doing that, but my problem is that I'm still trying to make sense of all of this. But I'm unable to, because affairs don't make sense anyway!<P>I think that another thing that bothers me is I feel that not all my questions were answered. My H says that he has answered everything, but we can be talking about it months later...and then I will find out something new.<P>Dr. H says that most people would wish to be in the recovery position that I am in now in my marriage. I know that...but boy does all of this still hurt.<P>p.s. Thank you for your support. I'm so glad to have a male's perspective on things. I hope your recovery will be completely successful. <p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited March 23, 2000).]

No Trust,<P> I am a software Engineer someone what makes a living using Logic. This beloved Logic is what did the damage to my marriage. Affairs have no logic and trying to apply any will drive you nuts.<P><BR> I still do not have all of my answers. I think it comes from the Spouse trys to minized what happened. They try and keep the secret. My wife at first claimed only and emtional affair but she felt bad. I can up with this plan to show her she wasn't a bad person and they she did stop before anything happened. Well, that was the day I found out because she didn't stop at some point. I'm sure I will ever know the whole true but ask yourself this.<P>What's the difference the bottom line is still the same. <P> If you harp on it it will drive you crazy. The next time you know you'll be having anxiety attacks and looking for a good anti-depressent.<P> You can be everything your husband ever dreamed of and more. When your ready I tell you about how I turned our past sex life into a joke and found a new level MUCH MUCH higher. I just hope to get back there some day. For how try and move on<P>