Tell me what I’m doing trying to save my marriage?<P>I understand why I can’t jump into another relationship. I’m not involved & I don’t plan on it either. Why in the world would I want to try & salvage what little is left of this one?<P>She doesn’t want me, she hasn’t called the kids in three weeks, she hasn’t talked to anyone in her family since 2 December. I don’t even know where she is.<P>I’m willing to wait until December (2 years). But I don’t know if I want her back. I guess I’m scared to death of getting hurt again. I don’t want to see her going through the withdrawal & blaming me for everything.<P>I can’t remember much about her anymore. I look at her pictures & I can’t remember what she sounds like or any of the things she does. 20 years down the tubes. So freakin’ pitiful.<P>I’ll never understand how a relationship could just go to $hit in the four months she was “dating” him and decided me & the kids weren’t worth anything! Nothing!<P>What I miss most is just lying together in bed, hugging. We used to at least touch our feet every single night, if not hold hands or hug.<P>Boo, friggin’ hoo.<P>“Yeah, what I've felt, what I've known<BR>So sick and tired, I stand alone<BR>Could you be there, 'cuz I'm the one who waits,<BR>The one who waits for you<P>Oh.. what I've felt, what I've known<BR>Turn the pages, turn the stone<BR>Behind the door<BR>Should I open it for you?Oh woh.....<P>Oh, what I've felt<BR>Oh, what I've known<P>I take this key<BR>And I bury it in you<BR>Because you're unforgiven too“<P><B>Unforgiven II - Metallica</B><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris,<BR> Another late night,huh?I know what you mean.It seems like years ago since I saw or touched my W.I can't even look at her pictures.I always took a lot of pix when we were together,and I buried them in a closet.Maybe our forgetting them is the way our brain shuts down the pain.I haven't seen her for months.I feel my love for her is dying.I've been talking to my attorney about a divorce(22 years down the drain).If you can make it 2 years,that's great.If things don't change,maybe you should plan on moving on.This can't be any good for you.Take care.Get some sleep. --Murph

It sounds like you had it.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She doesn’t want me, she hasn’t called the kids in three weeks, she hasn’t talked to anyone in her family since 2 December. I don’t even know where she is.<P>I’m willing to wait until December (2 years). But I don’t know if I want her back. I guess I’m scared to death of getting hurt again. I don’t want to see her going through the withdrawal & blaming me for everything.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>??? Chris… maybe you should re-read some of your great replies to other posts. We have an expression here: "bullfights are better seen from behind the barrier ". It is hard to see straight when we are in the midst of the battle.<P>It sounds like you had a good relationship with her. Why did she do it? Maybe someday you two will be able to talk it over and realize that it wasn't that good after all, or maybe she is having it her way "knowing" that you'll be there for her when she decides to come back.<P>I don't want to be blunt, you know I am not very patient and I could never wait 2 years. If you do try to move on with your life anyway, forgive since now, grow inside. IF your wife comes back and IF you take her back you'll be a better and healthy person, not a bitter one, and will be more prepared to rebuild your marriage.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I’ll never understand how a relationship could just go to $hit in the four months she was “dating” him and decided me & the kids weren’t worth anything! Nothing!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Sounds like the words we use when referring to an alcoholic or drug abuser, and it is about the same.<P>I hope I could be of any help but right now I am going through withdrawal (from my wife) and probably whatever else I can say won't make you feel better.<P>Hang in there.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited March 20, 2000).]

Chris,<P>You've been there for me so many times...<BR>...even if it hasn't been a direct reply...<BR>...your words to others meant so much to me. <P>You're somewhat depressed now...<P>God loves you still.<P>You're angry about what life has dealt you...<P>God loves you still.<P>You see no light at the end of the tunnel..<P>God loves you still.<P>---------------------------------------------<P>Back in November... I had the revelation (after 7 month's of denying completely the chance of her not returning)... that change of heart in my prayers...<P>...I don't pray for my W to come rushing back anymore...<P>I pray for God to lead me down His path...<BR>...he has something in store for me...<BR>...I don't know exactly what it is...<BR>...but it's bound to be good!<P>He knows my suffering... yours too...<BR>Every bit of it... no matter how much we despise it... agonize over it... curse it... is going to take us down a much better road... and yes... <B>in our lifetime on earth!</B><P>God doesn't have a 2 year calendar...<BR>Harley's idea of 2 years is "earthly" reasonable...<BR>But God's ideas can happen anytime...<P>...anytime now... you'll see a sign... in your heart and mind and soul...<BR>...it will lead you to a better way.<P>It could be your upcoming trip to Donna's folks...<BR>It could be a sudden spiritual renewal...<BR>It could be a new milestone in your daughter's lives...<P>...whatever ...whenever the sign is...<BR>...you'll know...<P>Give it up to God...<P>When the depression has subsided...<BR>When the anger is put away...<BR>When the despair has run it's course...<P>Catch that proverbial breath...<P>...and you can move on again.<P>You're a special man Chris...<BR>Few would have the fortitude to wait a full 2 years...<BR>...don't feel if God is showing you a sign... you have to wait the entire time.<P>Kevin(Guard) re-posted what I had posted back around the time of my revelation...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001727.html" TARGET=_blank>I sent you a message, a helicopter and a boat....</A>...<P>Niether I, nor anyone on this site will be diappointed in anything you do...<BR>...God leads us... and only we can choose to follow.<P>Chris...<BR>...you are loved... <P>I's sad when we don't hear that enough...<BR>...talk to your girls more often... they'll give you that message often... <P> <P>Jim

Chris,<P>I came to my final conclusion two weeks ago that I didn't want my W back. Me and God had a nice talk about the whole thing. He really is ok with the fact that I have decided to take my ball and go mhome.<P>I <B>will</B> find someone special to share my life with. As will you. <P>Being married to someone that doesn't want to be married to you is a hard [censored] pill to swallow. It is non the less why I have decided to move on.<P>Hang in there pray long and hard, God will reveal himself to you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi Chris,<P> Even if they do come back , sometimes they just aren't "here" anyway. It's 8mos. of recovery, we moved to a new state to start over, my H refuses counseling and doesn't know why he doesn't feel anything for me......well, after months of this, I feel the same, who the H$*! cares anymore? JUst a little angry and bitter today.....sorry, but I do know how you feel and my H is "here" or sort of ........LU

Chris,<BR>"boo friggin' hoo" indeed. :P.<P>Jim mentions Guard's (my H) post. You know, I always let Guard know that I was "waiting". He knew he could do whatever and still come back. Until he left this last time and I said if he moved out for the 7th time, that was it. Actually, the time before he left, in Oct, was it, but I did give it another go in Nov-Jan. Guard (and some other Christians who have given me advice) doesn't believe it, but God released me...Matt 19:8-9 "...for your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives...except for unchastisty". God really did not let me consider this before, my heart was always soft to Guard. And discovering my heart has hardened hurts.<P>What I am trying to say, Chris, is you will know. You aren't on my time schedule, although the beginning of Guard's affair was 2 years ago. You are on God's time. The Harley model gives you time to grieve and let go if that is what is to happen. <P>I'm still grieving, I'm still angry. My emotions feel like the Yellowstone Park mudpots, yuck constantly bubbling...and stinky... . But I was bombarded nearly everyday with new pain for a long time and I didn't have time to process all of it, I stuffed/put out of my mind some of it so that I could just get through the day and take care of my kids. Even as I forgave, he continued the same behaviors.<P>Guard says he isn't coming to MB anymore because the pain here overwhelms him (we know how that is ) and so do my posts (many fewer now than there used to be just because of Guard reading...and the divorce papers being served).<P>If/when Donna comes back, she will not know what pain her actions have caused you. Guard deliberately hurt me many times/lied to my face/the STDS...he didn't remember, but my old posts have told him.<P>Rather than apathy, are you moving into the last stage of grief: acceptance?<P>As always, wishing you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Chris,<P>Please take this in the spirit it is ment. I take marriage seriously, but I believe in your case, the patient, your marriage, is dead. It is now time to call the doctor and get a death certificate(divorce).<P>You said it yourself, she no longer calls the kids or her family. What are you holding out for ? It would be different if there were some correspondence between you two, but there isn't.<P><BR>They say you can't fix a broken marriage if only one is trying. In your case, you are the only one that is even in thr picture. Others of us here at least had our spouses nearby and had some type of contact.<P><BR>Chris, it is time for you to move on and heal yourself and your girls. I'm not telling you to run out and find somebody as everyone I've talked to has told me to wait anywhere from 1-3 yrs before starting a new relationship. <P>Why do you want to torture yourself for 9 more months ? If anything maybe divorce papers will snap her out of it.<P><BR>I truly wish you and your kids the best. I don't think waiting for Donna is in yours or theirs best interest.<P>God Bless<P>Bob

Thanks all for replying. I’m not ignoring you all, but I have to reply to RWD.<P>I take everything in the spirit it was meant. I know you only mean the best for everyone here and you wouldn’t give anyone advice which you yourself wouldn’t follow. But I’m not you.<P>I am in this for the long haul. Nine months more is not hell for me. I’m in a state of waiting for this to be over. If she wakes up then I will decide what I want to do. If she doesn’t, then I am ready to divorce her in December.<P>I believe I am truly becoming healed. Sure it’s hell & has been since day one. As the song goes, “I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden.” I have had my share of pricks (pun intended ) lately and it hurts.<P>If it comes to divorce papers, then I am ready to go through with it (if I file that is).<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

To all of you, I raise my glass in a toast.<P>May God watch over you in this journey we call life. May He bless you in all you do. May you choose to do His will and honor Him in His glory.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I feel it all...<P>Make sure that you follow the ideas given on the website and get some of the books. They do help, maybe they wont help the marriage in the long run but they will help you!<P>Plan A isn't just to get the other spouse back, it is to help yourself get on track. Having you continue to takes steps forward is a good thing, heals the pain (slowly mind you). The way that it comes to me now is that as I walk forward I enrich my life step by step. I don't burn any bridges but I show my W that I am a better man by example, not by judgements (although i feel like telling her at times) or educating her.<P>At a certain time you will feel it, at that time you will be ready. What I mean is that you will either have a wife, or you will be at a stage that you are ready to move on. Either way you will be ready and healing. Setting a time frame may help you now, but always remember that you will kinda know anyway.<P>One step at a time. Following the Plan A or B will let you know that you did everything you could, given that only one person was trying.<P>God Bless<BR>J