WTD,<P>I am one of the posters who was probably included in the group described and rude, etc. However, I want you to know that I am incredibly proud of you and that I totally disagree with another poster who said that you should ask your wife for divorce because you were too selfish to ever have a good marriage.<P>My guess is that you are not normally a selfish person at all. In fact, it would not surprise me if under normal circumstances you are very selfless. You are a very confused person and may have done things at times in your life that appear to show lack of character. People who are truly good people find themselves behaving in shameful ways when caught up in the addiction of an extramarital affair - with or without sex.<P>It is harder for you to see the patterns in the feelings your have written about because most of the people who post here are the betrayed. However, your feelings that your marriage has never been good, that you got married for the wrong reasons, that your spouse doesn't love/ appreciate/ respect/ light your fire/ etc. are incredibly typical of someone involved with another person. It is a bit frightening to me to see how many similarities there are in the feelings and beliefs of people during and after an affair. <P>My H was once where you are. He didn't voluntarily make the admirable choice that you did. He was forced, to give up his ow before their relationship became sexual but after they had decided to leave their spouses to be together. Because of the peculiar circumstances, he and his ow abruptly cut off all contact without resumption of any kind. We began counseling with a good therapist. Almost immediately, he became one of the happiest and in love husbands you would ever ask to meet. Please do believe that this can happen for you also. I recommend that you DECIDE that you really want this, that you get professional help at first, and that you absolutely CUT OFF ALL CONTACT OF ANY KIND WITH OW. <P>You will go through a period of withdrawal where you have mixed feelings about your decision. You will probably have moments when you feel that you have been denied the relationship of a lifetime (BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY kind of thing) My H did go through a period of withdrawal during which he mourned the loss of a relationship in which ow thought he was a superhero incapable of anything other than perfection. He in turn had thought his ow was incredibly loving, kind, needy, and sweet. With the help of a therapist who could get him to see things I could never tell him, he now realizes that she was being a manipulative selfish b*tch trying to get me out of his life. However, I know that those bad qualities are not part of her true character either - she too was living under a desperate addiction to the fantasy they had created with each other. <P>We see ow, her H, and her children regularly. That is the hardest part for us. It doesn't bother my H, but it does trigger hurt for me. It is a reminder that my H, whose strength of character I have always admired above all else - even more than his incredible good looks and wonderful love making! You will not have to deal with that. It may be hard at first to think of never seeing or talking to AZ again, but since your view of her is a fantasy anyway, the Az you think you know never really existed. You will feel guilty that she will hurt, but she assumed that risk when she went upstairs with you that first night and everytime after that when she has carried on a relationship with a married man - her hurt and loss is not your fault or your burden. M(My H's ow repeatedly told him that if he could find happiness or needed to try to work it out with his family that was just what she wanted him to do IF he could live with himself.)<P>None of us are perfect, but all of us can rekindle special love for and attraction to our spouses if we are not overwhelmed by the newness and drama of an extramarital affair where the op is NOT going to do or say anything that might make you less attracted to her.<P>You are going to need to be committed and there will be some rough spots while your wife is working through the pain of your betrayal. Be positive and know that you will recover faster than you can possibly imagine so long as you cut if off totally with AZ. There are many depressing posts on these boards where couples remain together and miserable although one of them is really trying and is doing the right things. Those are cases - almost without exception - where the betrayer has not cut off contact with op or or where alcohol or other substanse abuse is involved or where one of the parties has a real psychological disorder.<P>Keep posting. Get the support you need from the really good people on these boards. Many of us may sound harsh at times, but we truly want you to find the real happiness that is only available to you when you genuinely give your marriage a chance with NO outside distraction. I am so optimistic and excited for you for having made this decision on your own BEFORE your wife had to deal with this! You really are a good person. I believe your wife will forgive you and will soon get excited about developing a fun, loving, and passionate new marital relationship with you when you begin to honestly communicate with her about your needs. Good luck. Keep posting.

Are we still on this? Oh well, he SAYS he is staying with wife, ending contact with OW and is going to work on his marriage. Could this be him telling the MB what some want to hear, so that it gets easier in here? HHHMMM.... WTD, you are not working on your marriage by not telling wife what you really are about. This is not your first affair, this is not your first time deceiving your wife. Either 1 of 3 things will happen. You will continue affair with AZH with wife in the dark, or fall into another affair continuing your pattern or you will GROW UP and see that your wife deserves to find the happiness you say you have found with OW. I am with Elixir on this one. Your marriage was never real, especially to your wife who has been totally kept in the dark and her health continually being put at risk.

Another thing. It is so FUNNY how some of you are soooooo upset by some of the not so nice responses to WTD and AZH. Well I ask, who the hell are YOU to tell us how we should resond to a question. Some of rambled off some mumbo jumbo, about the strengh of their characters being SO STRONG to even come here! WHAT? It doesn't take strength to TYPE in a story to TOTAL STRANGERS whom you will never meet! It takes character to put in the work, to correct a wrong, to learn and grow. But that is my opinion and I am certainly entitled to say so especially when ASKED. And like it or not he did ask questions in his first post and at the end "PLEASE ADVISE". Get over yourselves people. And I hope people including WTD and AzH continue to EXPRESS themselves. Just be able to take it when you put yourselves on here. Have a nice day.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Sorry I haven't posted back more often, but I've not had much time or desire. I've made what possibly was the hardest decision of my life today....to break off contact with the OW(AZ) and try to work on my marriage.<P><B>WTD, do it. And it has to be no contact. I'm not going to apologize for any other responses, I can only answer for myself. It is definitely a matter of perspective. You don't sound like an awful person to me, but a very confused one. My h was there a few months ago. Did you read my replies?? We are a success story. He now says it was like temporary insanity and he has really taken her out of his heart.</B><P>I've read many posts that talk of an affair like an addiction....and I can honestly say that it is.<P><B>It truly is, and that is why it is so disorienting. It will take 4-6 weeks for the withdrawal if you really give your heart back to your family.[b/b]<P>At this point, It seems that disclosure of the affair seems to be a key point in starting the healing process, but I'm not ready for that yet. I was going to begin by addressing the state of mutual unhappiness in our marriage, and how to work together towards correcting it.<P>I briefly mentioned this in an earlier reply. There is no good time or good way, but if you can schedule a week together first...</B> <P>She(wife)had actually bought the "5 love languages" book in the last year or so....we both read it, but I never really tried to follow through since AZ was still in my heart/mind and soul. I know she has been feeling the distance increase in our relationship as time has progressed.<P>Wow, sure sounds like us again. You know, he now admits all the realizations about our not being "in-love" (or ever were) started AFTER he began the affair. Classic. I too was trying to improve our relationship, but felt the distance growing instead. I think she must really love you!! And we have small children too.<P>Thanks again for all the heartfelt advice. I may be back for advice as I try to heal, but I think I will have to change my name to avoid all of the hostility this thread has generated.<P>Don't change your name, prove them wrong, go back and love your wife.<P>The one question on my mind at this early point, is will I ever be able to get the OW out of my mind? Will I ever be able free from making mental comparisons? Will I ever be able to achieve in my marriage the same type of intense feelings of love and happiness that I was addicted to in the affair?.....guess that was really three questions<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>1. yes, after 4 weeks, she was more on my mind as the wife. If you do the phone counselling (I highly recommend it, don't know where we would be now without it) Steve or Jenn will tell you it is up to you to distract yourself at first. But it gets easier and easier.<P>2. You have to be very pro-active and stop making comparisons. Remind yourself this is where you chose to be (with your wife). Focus on her strengths. In time, I hope the comparisons will more than favor her as I believe they do in my husband's mind.<P>3. Yes and no.<P>Harley claims that the passion is created by meeting each other's needs. I'm a reluctant convert because I've seen it really happening for us. Search my recent threads if you like. We are already beginning to have the most wonderful feelings of in-loveness.<P>The no - I'm starting to learn the difference, though. I was reading the book, Private Lies. It makes so much sense when he explains that the romance in affairs is not love but "a form of narcissistic suffering in which the specialness...gets distorted into an obsession with suffering and sacrifices to keep things intense enough to make the world and reality fade away".<P>My h called it a "painful love". It is the illicitness that drives the excitement. The OW becomes your confidant, the one who you can share with, while the unsuspecting wife becomes the enemy that must be lied to.<P>So, I am finally understanding the high that comes from its very illicit nature, that he now sees he was more in-love with "being in-love" than with this woman.<P><BR>Your wife will suffer the worst pain. I did, and I've read it here over and over. She will try to piece together her life, it is not what she thought it was. She will need you to focus on her and not be defensive as she works through sooo many emotions.</B><P>------------------<BR>Cindy<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited March 23, 2000).]