Yesterday was the absolute worst day of my life. Even worse than D day. Saturday night my 13 year old son had a band concert. He had been choses 1st chair in our entire region for trumpet which is quite an accomplishment. My H promised he was coming, but he never showed up. I found out the next day that he wasn't there because his OW was here (she lives 800 miles away) to interview for jobs so she could move here and be closer to my H. I found out where they were staying and I went and sat outside their motel room yesterday morning. H comes to talk to me about leaving and I threaten him that his OW will never have a moments peace if she moves here and the I am going to call her employer and tell them just exactly how she spends her "so-called" business trips with a married man who has 3 children. Understandably, things deteriorate from there. H is threatening to have me arrested, take the kids and throw me out of the house, etc, etc. Anyway I left hysterical. I went home and took two bottles of pills. About 6 or 7 Meprozine and about 20 Xanax. Unfortunately, they didn't work. H came by to give me my half of the income tax money and found me and made me throw up. The thing is, I wish he hadn't found me. I still want to die. I am so tired of fighting all this. It is PURE misery. I have always been a good person. I just don't understand why this is happening. H said he didn't want me to die. Then nobody would be happy and told him what difference does it make when your spirit is already dead? The rest is just matter, chemicals, etc. I guess he wants to keep me around so he can torture me some more. I have to wait until this weekend to try again. I just don't know how I'm going to do it now. Thanks for letting me spill it you guy.<BR>Bye<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<BR> I am a lurker here. My ex-husband had an affair that resulted in our divorce. I was where you are 5 years ago. <BR> Let me tell you when the worst day of your children's lives would be... the day you are sucessful at suicide. I realize that you are going through incredible hurt, but you are being far too selfish. Your children are just as hurt as you are (if they know about this affair), do you want to cause them more pain? Anger? Sadness? <BR> I haven't read your story, nor do I know what exactly is going on for you in terms of how long you've been dealing with this. I do know that you must get your rear-end into major therapy, RIGHT NOW. <BR> I don't want to come across as harsh, but I feel that you need to be shocked into some kind of positive action. Do you want to miss out on all of your kids future experiences? Do you want them to miss you so horribly, wish that they could bring you back, cry, weep, and not be able to do a thing about it? Do you want them to think that suicide is an acceptable way out of their problems? Did you know that children of parents who killed themselves, were more likely to commit suicide? <BR> Think of the consequenses. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No matter what happens, your H comes to his senses or not, it is NOT worth the pain you could cause your kids. <BR> You have struck a nerve in me. I know of the anger and sadness that children experience in the loss of a parent, whether that parent dies of natural causes, accidentally, or by suicide.<BR> Please respond. Talk. Your life is worth more than any amount of wayward spouses' bullsh*t!!<BR>

Keri,<P>No person is worth dying for!! You said it yourself, you have 3 children that need you!!!!!!<P>If something happens to you, your children will have lost both parents in a short amount of time.<P><BR>Please call someone and get help, a sucide prevention hotline, a counselor, someone that can be with you.<P>I know how difficult this is for you, believe me I do know, but you can get throught this. Look at how many people have and do.<P><BR>Get a hold of yourself as you are not thinking clearly right now.<P>Please keep posting, we here at MB are here for you!!!!!<P>Love,<P>Bob

Keridwen, as my Christian counselor has told me more than once, "your life sucks". Your H is a doodie head. (that isn't a direct quote he used language Tempest won't allow)<P>I KNOW your pain. But I always knew that my kids needed me. My H, Guard, was where you are with his misery and guilt. You can recover. There is hope. There is life.<P>You need support. We are here for you, but I think you need face contact with someone as well. Call a counselor TODAY, or pastor/religious leader, supportive friend. Go see your Dr., I think with having taken the pills you need to know what damage you have done to your body. The liver has very little regenerative abilities. <P>Keridwen, your H is not worth your death. You have a great spirit.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

(((((((((((((((Keridwen7))))))))))))))))<P>You have hit the bottom and now there is no where to go but UP! Flush any and all other pills you have in that house that can harm you down the toilet right now! <P>Your children need and love you! And you love and need them! Don't leave them to be raised by your H and OW! <P>This is where your strength must take over. You are feeling alone and you aren't! Everyone here is praying for you! <P>Dig deep into your spirituality and rid yourself of the negativity. Light a candle for yourself this morning, for protection, safety, and mental clairity. And if you would like, I will do the same....<P>Please talk to someone. Don't let this take your childrens mother away from them. B.B.<P>Lacee<P>laceelady@uswestmail.net

Keridwen,<P>I think first I'll give you a big<BR>((((((((((HUG))))))))))<P>Please, go see a doctor. Don't be by yourself for now. Look into your children's eyes and imagine their pain if you weren't there for them.<P>I have felt like you do now. This is a horrible pain to go thru. But you can make it and no matter how things turn out, you will be happy again. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

You are a good person...and for the sake of your children...you must get the help you need to rise above the excrutiating pain and the oppressing despair.<P>It is time to be selfless...to put the needs of your children first.<P>No matter how horrible your life is right now, you will not feel the way you do today forever.<P>Your life has a purpose that can not be fulfilled if you snuff it out.<P>Your children's lives will be shattered. People, maybe some you have yet to meet, will not benefit from the future roles you might have in their life.<P>Acknowledge the pain, but see beyond today and reach out to someone that can help you until you find the strength to help yourself.<P>You can do this!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Keridwin<P>I'm not going to tell you that what you want to do is selfish. Sometimes suicide seems to be your only option, but that's nothing more than a lie straight from the pit!!! <P>I'm telling myself that as well as you..Okay?<P>Keri, either your husband will come back to you or there is something much better waiting for you. I know that your tired but if you just hang on there will be a better day ahead for you. <P>RWD is right....your children need you and you can be strong for them. <P>Love and prayers<BR>CJ

I'm putting this back at the top

Back up to the top

We all feel your pain. The hurt that our spouses inflict onto us in the name of selfishness is numbing. <P>You have to rise above it.... You have to take the high road. For your children and also for yourself.<P>You deserve better. Much better. Please get some help.......

Keri:<BR> I am SO SORRY for the pain you are in. I know that <B>you</B> know that your children need you, that killing yourself would devastate them, would destroy their feelings of worthiness, right? But, it just hurts so bad.<BR> Losing someone you love deeply hurts like h*ll. You do feel dead inside, I know. But, you will not always feel this way. Pain gradually fades, and feelings of life and joy DO return. <BR> Nearly 9 years ago I lost my second child. I remember well the pain, the feeling that I was already dead. My living child was all that kept me here. During that awful time, someone wiser told me that there is a difference between wanting to die, and wanting to not have to live. She was right...I really wanted not to have to live through the intense pain, especially since I could not see that it would really get better. <BR> Right now, I know it seems that it will never get better, that your life will always be this wreck. But, it won't. Honestly, it won't. Regardless of what your H does or does not do, God did not create you and your very special children to live a poor, smashed life, but a life of good things and joy. You will make it through. Don't give up now!!!<P>Love,<BR>Kathi

Keridwen,<BR>Please please get some hlep now. Suicide is not the answer. There will many good days ahead. Think of your kids please, and know that they NEED you, there are many memories yet to make with them.<BR>Please come here for support.<BR>Nobody and nothing is worth giving up your life for.<P>Hang in there,we are all here for you and will continue to be.<P>(((((((((( hugs to you ))))))))))

Thanks everybody. It just seems like there's no real purpose to life sometimes. I still feel very despondent, but my H called my therapist and he's taking me there tomorrow. She said if we didn't show she would call the police. I don't why she would call the police. I don't intend to hurt anybody else. I just want some relief...you know? It hurts so much I can barely breathe sometimes. I love my kids, but I have to admit I haven't been a very good parent lately. I stayed distracted, I cry, I don't listen to them like I should. Half the time I find myself just nodding to whatever they say and mumble "un-huh". This isn't living. I don't want to miss my kids as they grow up and I don't want to mess up their lives, but yesterday all I could think about was getting rid of the pain. Any way possible. Is that too much to ask? Just to be numb? If only they had an anesthetic for the soul. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri, I'm where you are at! But what keeps me going is a little girls with blonde hair that calls me mommy! She's only 3 and knows so much! What would happen to her if I'm gone? What I started to do is pull our her baby pictures when I get really down. I also just need to look at her and it helps me recover. If you can get professional help I recommend it. I'm looking for a good counselor and have seen 3 but don't like any of them so I'm going to continue. Another thing that help me is just getting out of the house with my daughter...going to the pet store to look at the fish is great cheap fun! I'm too tired to take up a hobby, but wish I had the time. Oh yeah...last night was pretty bad for me so I lit candles, took a bubble bath, fixed my hair and makeup and put on my prettiest nightie. That made me feel a little better. Hang in there and just remember tomorrow has to be better!

I'm not really clear what you are asking for here. You've made it clear that you intend to kill yourself over the weekend. With that kind of mindset, I would suggest you go check yourself into a hospital for some immediate attention.<P>I don't know how old your children are, I have to believe that with respect to the horror, trauma and anxiety they will experience for the rest of their lives when they come home to find their mother dead, has to make some kind of impression upon you.<P>What did you expect him to say when he found you parked outside of his motel room? "Hi Honey!" You stalked him, and you've informed him that you intend to make this other woman's life miserable. While she probably has some culpability here, she sure as heck wouldn't be planning a relocation without your husband's support and encouragement. HE is your problem - not her.<P>Pull yourself together. Success is the best revenge. Get yourself looking, feeling and being the best you can be for yourself. Continue to be the loving, supportive mother and you know what? The heck with him. Believe me, your son will be quite capable down the line of punishing his father for making bad decisions - her over him. Leave that to him. Your job is to support and love and nurture your children. Not to fall to pieces and take 20 xanax and want to die.<P>Also, keep in mind. Your husband may be documenting your bizarre means of acting out for attention in his ultimate attempt to obtain full custody. Stop loading his guns! Do not give him the kind of ammunition he would need to convince a court that you not only are not fit to be a parent, but require a conservator and committment as well.<P>Get to a psychiatrist or psychologist you can trust and talk through your issues. It does sound like you need immediate intervention. Make plans for someone to take care of your children and check yourself into a hospital for some much needed therapy. They will give you the meds you need, and your outlook will improve considerably.<P>If you think your son found his father's conduct unforgiveable, imagine what he would think of you if you were to deprive him of the only person who ever showed him that they gave a damn about him. You will significantly impact the rest of his life.

Keridwen7:<P>Things will get better.<P>I understand your pain, but your children need you and YOU need you. The pain is incredible, but you can make it through. Go through the motions, one foot after another, one day at a time.<P>You can do it. Keep talking to us.<P>I care.

I have been lurking here for the past little while and this post is what has finally made me come out and join all of you.<P>Don't do this. I had a family member committ suicide over the loss of his relationship and other factors and it was probably one of the worst experiences I have ever encountered and has left a mark on myself and my family that there is no way to remove. Unless have you have been a victim of suicide it is hard to see the end result. I pray for you not to do this as things CAN get better. See someone NOW! Talk to a freind, a relative anyone who will convince you not to do this!<P>If you give this more time, and get the help you need you WILL get better!<P>I hope this helps as I would hate to think of others having to go through the things that I did. They just aren't worth it.<P>In my prayers and thoughts...<P>William

Keridwen,<P>WHOA!! Stop and think this through... Whatever pain you feel from the rejection and abandonment of your husband, what your kids will feel is 1000 times worse. You are their Mom! They need you. You cannot be replaced.<P>Your husband is being a selfish jerk right now. People can recover from that. They can come to their senses. You can't recover from being dead.<P>Don't let your husband's poor choices dictate the value of your own life. Even if he is too selfish to ever value you again, that says more about HIM than about you.<P>PLEASE get some help to get out from under this despondency. You can feel better. <P>See how many people here care for you, and we've never even met you! You have value as a person even without your H. <P>Stay in contact with us. We'll be praying for you. Let us know what else we can do to help.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Dear Ker: I don't know what's in the water today, but, please rethink the consequences of your actions. I agree completely with SpandauBallet's advice to you and hope you will listen to the wise counsel you are receiving here today.<P>I just posted to DeadInside who is going through the same thing you are. You must read all the postings everyone has submitted to both you and DI to gain some strength from the concern and the love they are showing you. The strength you need comes from within-and it is there. God loves you, your child(ren) love and need you, your family and friends love and need you-and we all love you and need you here on the forum. Your husband loves and needs you, too, regardless of his actions. When he comes out of his 'fog', he will see that, after an excellent Plan A and/or Plan B. <P>A suicide is always a 'wake-up' call for a wayward spouse, however, in time, they get over it and move on. Your despondency and attempt or success at suicide cannot be the legacy you leave your children or the satisfaction for the OW to have won. <P>The best revenge is pulling yourself together, get yourself beautiful, active and confident and independent and make yourself so damn attractive, he'll wonder, like my husband, what the he** he ever saw in that nasty OW and wonder how he could have ever pushed you aside for her. <P>I once heard to "act as if" and someday, it will be. Act as if you are confident and self-assured, act as if you are independent and happy, act as if you are the most devastating creature your husband has ever been lucky enought to have ever known...act as if and someday it will be true.<P>We are here for you with prayers. God bless, comfort, guide and protect you.<P>Catnip =^^=