Wow Decisiontime,<P>I could relate to so much of your post, thanks for putting my thoughts into words <BR>Cat

DT:<P>A betrayed is NEVER to blame for an affair. They share the blame for the condition of the marriage yes. But to have the affair is the choice of the betrayer solely.<P>The part I just do not understand is the betrayers who say they have been unhappy for 10, 12 16 years and yet they have stayed in the marriage. I mean not only do they stay they have children together etc. I just find this so bizarre. I could not personally go thru the motions of a marriage. It is common among betrayers not all but some to rewrite history so to speak. That's what I meant by not thinking about divorce until you meet the OP. I just think staying with someone out of guilt, financial reasons etc is so incredibly selfish. <P>As far as your H wanting you back I don't understand why he would. That's one thing I agree with Lonelysoul about, personally, I would never take my spouse back if he had an affair. It's just ain't worth the pain.<BR>As far as his being selfish because he wants you back. Selfish: to be concerned with oneself without regards to others certainly applies to an affair. Is he thinking only of himself w/o regards to you? I guess if he wants you back no matter how you feel about it then it would be selfish. For me his wanting you back would not be selfish in the same sense as an affair,because an affair is a unilateral decison made by the betrayer; it is a total disregard not only for the feelings of the spouse but for the vows taken. It can also affect the children the children and spouse of OP if any. He wants you back but whether you get back together depends on both of you. It is not something he can force on you like an affair is on a betrayed. Obviously you would not get back together unless it was something you wanted and there was something in it for you.<P>Cat:<P>As far as you agreeing with DT well no surprise there. <BR>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited April 12, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited April 12, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited April 12, 2000).]

This post is getting more and more interesting and I wanted to reply. TMD---I agree with you about the ?unhappy for 10-12-15 years. But I guess after talking with S.Harley and reading the recovery forum, the WS seems to come back and remember the happiness and say they were "nuts" during the affair when they really recover.<P>My H told me similar things. It's funny, I have pictures of him this summer where he is so happy with me and the kids. He loooks and acts miserable now....so what gives???? <P>I want to ask my H how he can tell me he has been "pretending" but didn't know it...when he cannot remember much of our relationship at all. What he remembers is completely opposite of what it really was....Actually he is exactly opposite of what he was!!!!<P>It has been the total bizaarness of the situation that has kept me grounded.<P>We had a fine relationship. ANy issues that may have been there were the norm for any couple married for 13 years.<P>Now of course, perception is reality and you can make a case for or against any person when it suits your needs. <P>I am wondering if the persons unhappiness comes from within rather than outside. My H always seems to blame some one, some job, some city...some driver...some waiter ..for his unhappiness. I never thought it would land on me but I guess I was wrong....

Lonelysoul,<P>I can identify with you on the abusive spouse part and staying with them hoping it will get better. I was married (and I still am) to an abusive alcoholic for 10 1/2 years before he had an affair and moved out. <P>There is no reason for staying with an abusive spouse and it's hard to understand why someone would unless you've been in the situation. We always think that things will get better. <P>I was devastated when my H left. Some days I see it as a blessing, others my heart still breaks. But most of the time, I am happy because I am not being controlled by anyone.<P>I can't give any advice on the OM though. Although I can look back at my life and see that if the right person had come along, I may have done the same thing. (Did I just admit that? ) I can honestly see how it could happen! <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Yes tootrusting I think that's the thing with betrayers in MLC. Each person is responsible for their own happiness. Many betrayers blame their spouse for their unhappiness move on to the OP and then find they are still unhappy. Sometimes they just keep moving on, never really figuring that out.

well TMD...I didn't say what parts I agreed with did I? <P>I don't blame Allen for my unhappiness nor do I blame him for my affair.<P>I was and am the cause of my unhappiness and for my affair. No if and or buts about it. I take full and complete responsibility and always will.<P>Cat

I, too, take full responsibility for my EA. The entire time I was engaging in it, I felt like I was living a double life. When my H did find out, I was glad because everything was out in the open. He is the one that pointed out that I was in love with the OM. I hadn't really thought about it since I was in denial that I had even had an affair. As far as I was concerned, I was just writing to someone. I hadn't even met him, so how could I be having an affair??? I understand the danger of what I did now. I told myself what I was doing was okay because, I never left the house. What I do understand is that I was unhappy and had been that way forever, or so it seemed. I had accepted my unhappiness and went about living my life, suppressing everything. When the OM came along it was like being 16 and in love all over again. I didn't have the sense or the strength to resist. Everyone must live with their decisions...it has been a very hard road and I expect it will get harder before it is over.<BR>