I have read on this board that Plan B is supposed to preserve the love that is remaining for one's spouse if Plan A doesn't work. Part of Plan B is no contact with the spouse.<P>Also, a betrayer is supposed to have no contact with the OP in order to LOSE the feelings for the OP.<P>How can no contact preserve feelings of love in one case and cause them to die in another?<P>

Hi, TS.<P>I believe that implementing Plan A (no Lovebusters, showing the spouse that behaviors have changed and that their love is steadfast) for at least 6 months is the foundation laid before a Plan B is even considered. Plan B is then implemented when no signs of reconciliation are occurring. This would give the betrayer the chance to see what they are leaving, and I surely hope that the Plan A is not just for this time period, but for life. Shouldn't our marriages be one big Plan A? Not just in times of trouble? (This is what I've been thinking when reading the concepts of Plan A/B)..<P>I totally understand your question, and the significance of the two conflicting scenarios. But I realized when I quit my job to get away from the OM that I did truly love my husband (he unknowingly did a mini Plan A and then an emotional separation Plan B)...perhaps it's because we have so many emotional ties to our spouses and if the love is REAL between the two marriage partners, this is something that will help to make the betrayer realize what they are truly giving up? <P>There are more experienced MB'ers out there to answer this, just on here tonight for the first time in awhile.. <p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited May 25, 2000).]

I think the point of contact/no contact is to establish truth. When you are in a situation where you can't be in conflict because you aren't in touch, it restores perspective because your emotions aren't in the way. If you've been calm, supportive, and loving before this, that is what they will remember. <P>If it all goes down the tubes, that is still what they remember and it allows you to keep some of your love alive because you have not allowed it to deteriorate by hating each other.<P>Part of the thing that keeps affairs alive is the lack of real life problems, commitments, and the shelter the OP provides. If you are not in contact with the betrayer, the OP gets to take on real life. There is nothing to shelter the betrayer from, so the OP doesn't look so rosy anymore. The OP isn't needed anymore. What is really there will start to show itself for what it is. Is this a soul mate relationship (doubtful since they are both cheaters) or an escape?

The others have made good points. Plan B is for self-preservation.<P>Another view is, if real life doesn't "wake up" our spouses, if the marriage is truly to be ending, lack of contact helps to make US strong, used to not seeing them, living life without them, and more prepared for divorce should that be the final outcome. <P>One of the misconceptions of Plan B that I see from time to time on this board is that Plan B is sort of a "punishment" for the wayward spouse. Plan B is protection for the betrayed. It does sometimes have the advantage of "waking up" the WS, but ONLY after a good while of an effective Plan A and only sometimes. <P>That's my take, anyway.<P>Lori

After further thinking on this and reading the responses thus far, I think I have an understanding.<P>The Plan B no contact preserves the loving feelings for the WS because it prevents love bank withdrawals. <P>No contact with the OP inan affair kills the loving feelings for the OP because it prevents love bank deposits.<P>Am I close?

TS:<P>When you go to Plan B, your spouse is continuing to have an affair. Your alternatives are at this point are:<P>1. Staying in Plan A. (Drains "lovebank" quickly)<P>2. Going to Plan B. (Drains lovebank more slowly)<P>3. Divorce <P>So Plan B does "preserve" the feelings of love better than a too-long stint in Plan A, or divorce. It doesn't magically create love---in fact, love is lost. But it's a slower process. Remember that time is a factor in affairs; most of them burn out in two years. The longer you can hang on, the better your chances that the affair will end. Another benefit of Plan B is that the OP and betrayer get to spend lots more time with each other---this injects more "reality" into the affair, and it's usually not for the benefit of the relationship. Remember that it's pretty clear that the "cheating" spouse lacks the appropriate skills necessary to maintain a long-term relationship---and it's likely that the OP is lacking these skills as well. It's usually just a matter of time before their relationship goes down the tubes.<P>Now, the "no contact" rule with a OP is similar. These feelings of love will be lost, eventually. The best scenario for the end of an affair is one in which the betrayer and OP love-bust all over the place---draining each other's love bank balances dry. But this doesn't always happen. Sometimes the OP and betrayer part on "good terms" (even if the no contact letter is written). If the affair was of a serious emotional nature, the time for withdrawal will likely be longer. And the need for no contact (the "slow drain" on that lovebank balance) is essential.<P>The other critical factor is the faithful spouse's "ability" to handle themselves during this withdrawal period, in a way that encourages the betrayed spouse to fall back in love with them. This is why I have a problem with several of the "affair" books (like "Torn Asunder") that encourage the faithful spouse to "vent" and encourage the unfaithful spouse to "take it". It's typically only helpful in the case of a truly remorseful unfaithful spouse---and in that case, pretty much ANY recovery technique will work.<P>Does this help?? No contact drains love in either case---but it's a slower process than "active" lovebusting.

Ahh, you posted while I was writing. I see by the vernacular in your post, that we'll have you made into an MB drone in no time... <P>

<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>we'll have you made into an MB drone in no time... <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <P><BR>Now I'm frightened again!

Fear can be good, if you use it as a proper motivational tool... <P>I read your note over on EN---you've only been without contact for a couple months, and it may take much longer than that. And how well you're doing with your husband will also figure into play---and that just doesn't go for how HE does with YOU, you should be focusing on meeting his needs as well (it has the effect of taking your mind off the OM).