Morning Ladies!<P>FHL<BR>I've been thinking of you! Wondering where you were. <BR>You are right - the issues do become more complex. I too have lost trust in others from this. There is a lot of crap to sort through. You and I think too much and that doesn't help sometimes. <P>I'm getting there slowly. I think. Still some major unresolved issues here despite the improvements. His belief in the innocence of the "friendship" is the big one. We knew it would be. How do I trust when there is still no true remorse for that part? <P>AH<BR>I'm so sorry you had that experience. I know what you're talking about though. There will be many times that we will hear such conversations and it will hurt. We will sant to help, guide....<BR>Even here on the forum there are times that we wish we could say the right thing that will make the lightbulb come on.<BR>It's like being a parent. We know the pain they will go through and wish we could do something about it. But those who don't hear are not ready to listen. <BR>Some of us listen. Remember that.

<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NoTrust:<BR><B>Wassi,<P>Dr. H wasn't on that long, but I just LOVED what he said. He said, "When recovering from an affair, forgiveness comes last. It comes AFTER a betrayed spouse is justly compensated."<P>The "justly compensated" are the words that really struck me. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to fully forgive?? He also said, as we already know, that it takes about 2 years to recover but the forgiveness does indeed come LAST.<P>With my H having contact with OW at end of November, that still feels recent to me. It didn't bring me all the way back to square one, but it did make our recovery go a few steps backward. I DO NOT feel that I have yet been "justly compensated" yet. When I feel that I have been, then, maybe, I will be able to forgive.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear NoTrust,<P>I missed the Leeza show, but right now I'm battling with the Forgiveness demon. Our counselor recommended a book for me and my homework was to write a letter of forgiveness to my H. It went on 4 pages. I moved the stuff that didn't have anything to do with his "friendship" to the first page of the letter. That left 3-1/2 pages of incidents and events touching the OW. <P>This is a big demon with me right now. I was feeling bad about wanting "payment" - and watched the look on the counselor's face when I said I wasn't ready yet to forgive because I wanted that payment. I realize it is counterproductive, it is holding us back. I'm grateful that my H is joining me in counseling, but impatient also.<P>I listen carefully in church during the homily, and God is helping me. I need to be thinking about mercy, reverence, and respect, towards my H. If I continue to be a witch it doesn't encourage him to soften up towards me or to feel love. So I listen for clues about repairing our marriage. <P>Your reference to "just compensation" helped me to feel less like a vengeful witch. My H has said things like "I'm sorry if that hurt you", never "I'm sorry I was nicer to OW than to you" or "I'm sorry I acted like I wasn't married and went off making plans with OW and her family" or "I'm sorry I was nicer to the OW little girl that time than our son, and that he was too ashamed to tell me about it but had to tell you instead. And I realize how it ties in with your feelings of jealousy about my friendship with OW, your own feeling left-out, and the tangles from all of it."<P>My H and OW are still in contact - phone and e-mail at work. I put it out of my mind. <P>Two years. Well, Moses and his tribe wandered for 40 years in the desert. It's just a blink of an eye. <P>thank you for this thread.<P>