<B>bonnet</B>, <P>I can't get to the darned beach, wish I could. Not even the lake at work is a good substitute today. By the way, slapping allowed.<P><B>Khyra</B>,<P>Thank you for understanding. You sound like you really, truly understand because of your experience. Sorry either of us had to go through this. You're still together? I wish there was <B>some</B> way for us to work it out and stay together without my having a nervous breakdown.<P>~Sheryl<P>

N_B,<P>Wow, I can really feel your pain and frustration. I don't have any real advice. I haven't the experience. I can empathise and commiserate with you.<P>Know that you are not alone. It was strange at first posting here, now after a month I feel like I have real cyber-friends, wierd.<P>Anyhow, you have been a cheering squad, and coach for me and I thank you. Please don't stop. I mean that for everyone.<P>RMA talked with Steve Harley today, he's the infidelity expert, maybe give it a shot. It can't hurt, can it?<P>As far as your H. The recrimmination he has recieved today from our fellow marriage builders, DITTOS from me.<P>Keep talking to us,<P>Bill

Sheryl -- Re: your last comment to me...It's good to see some of the old NB back in town.<P>There still is a way for the two of you to get back together, but you both need a short break from all of this. And then after the break, you H needs to get his s**t together and you guys can really start to work.<P>Does he ever comment to you about the replies he gets here to his posts?? I realize this might be another sore spot, so you have every right to <B>slap</B> me if this tweaks you a bit.....

Sheryl,<P>Yep somehow, we are still together. It's not always easy, and we both experience sadness and regret - I have cried more lately than I ever have before. He's let me know tho, that if it happens again, that there will be no second chance for me. Life is one big learning experience. Why do I have to go to the School of Hard Knocks for everything tho?<P>K

<B>WilliamJ (Bill)</B><P>Thank you for caring and responding. Yes, I feel a boatload of pain. I also love my cyber-pals here!<P><B>Heartpain</B>,<P>There is enough humor left in me that we could run and run with your newest comment, <BR>"you have every right to slap me if this<BR>tweaks you a bit"... but we won't go there!<P>Yes, he reads here. Let's see if he reads tonight. Frankly, I don't know if I want him to, or not.<P><B>Khyra</B>,<P>Re:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have cried more lately than I ever have before.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Me too... and I didn't think I had anymore tears left!

nb -- Actually, I believe you are talking about the "tw" word, and after I typed it, something dawned on me and I almost changed it.....But you're right, we won't go there...

Hi NB, my friend... who knows that I have felt what you are feeling - exactly. I give you much more credit than I though. It took almost exactly one year from when I found out about H's affair with Mia for us to finally realized our marriage was over. <P>You know I have said this to you before, but I'll repeat myself. ... I could not force my H to love me, respect me, find me attractive, want to fulfill my emotional needs ect. That had to come from within his heart, and he didn't have it in him to give me. I didn't either.<P>Things are pretty sad, confusing, and lonely right now, but I know they will get better. You will be better. You will. Love yourself as much as you have shown me you are capable of loving us total strangers!!<P>((((((HUGS))))))))<P>

Sheryl,<P>More Cr@p. Sorry! <P>3 Wishes,<P>Lend a hand here, man! <P>I am sorry you both feel so beaten down. There HAS to be some way for you guys to break this cycle of hurt. Please, Both of you, do find a way to do SOMETHING different here. What you have been doing ISN'T WORKING!!!<P>Love and prayers to you both....<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

<B>Heartpain</B>,<P>yup, it was the "tw" word... it's just a silly word that always makes me laugh... anamonapea (sp?) a word that sounds just like what it is - like the word "scratchy".<P>HI, HI, HI <B>Tired Lady</B>!!<P>How are you? Thank you for the reply... don't give me much credit though... I'm a totally lost and tired baby lately. Oh, ya, and angry too!<P><B>RMA</B>,<P>Thanks again for hangin' with me... geez, this has been (no kidding) the worst time of my life - FOR REAL!<P><B>To all</B>,<P>I came home from work and I was horrified to see my H home from work. I didn't want to see him. I just can't handle the pain. People at work have been telling me to get to the beach, take time off, get the he*l outta this place. They can see I'm about to crack... and I'll tell ya, <B>I AM ABOUT TO CRACK</B>.<P>Love you guys ~Sheryl<BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited December 06, 1999).]

Sheryl,<P>I see you really trying soooo hard for this marriage, and I also see you beating your head against a wall too. It's like the hamster running in his little wheel (which I've likened to my own situation :-) <P>I decided recently to not work so hard, try to refocus that energy elsewhere, but still try to remain positive with the H. A mini-marriage vacation if you will. I've been dealt a bad blow as of late, and since my h reads (but never posts!) like you have said before, I have to choose what I post carefully. Once I relaxed and didn't put so much emphasis on this situation (bad marriage problems), I started feeling better. Just regroup if you can, it helped me. I see happening to you what happened to me, I got an ulcer, I had a host of other physical ailments to contend with, it really s$**ed.<P>I can only imagine the "church lady" that your husband had a meaningful hug with is only adding to your dilemma...I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. But sometimes we who reside in the Clockwork Orange era have to just take a break sometimes..

Oh <B>Connor</B>,<P>I had to smile at the Clockwork Orange <B>again</B>... you'll always get me with that one!<P>I just spent the entire day at work checking in here... what a loser! I just couldn't face my real,live life today. You are right about the OM too. Thank you for understanding!<P>~Sheryl

Well, I have the "dubious" honor of having been placed in the same position as you have with our h's...I just have to edit this one.!<P>We all have to find what we have inside of ourselves to make our marriage work...I know I love my h with all my heart.<P>From what my H says, it's reciprocated. But I have problems with that statement after current events. So we're working on it, but we don't push it. It's too hard that way. So sorry for the rant, but at the point we're at, it's not a very solid place.<p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited December 06, 1999).]

Hey NB,<P>Did you try putting your marriage on hold and working on the friendship factor? I have made so much progress by using this simple idea.<P>Val called today to tell me the check is in the mail. She sounded upset, not with me, about something or someone. Absolutely no LB's on either part, I chatted with her like any other friend who calls. I do not ask about getting back together, finalizing the divorce or the OM. I believe she heard the final call that Fantasyland is closing in an hour. Last call!<P>I don't know what hit me lately, perhaps lightning, but I have a most positive outlook on my marriage and am in it for the long run. She fell in love with me once before...<P><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

NB-<P>Please forgive me if I upset you, that was my very last intention in the world. <P>As I am sure you have realized I get pretty longwinded and I don't think this will be any exception but I do ask that you bear with me.<P>As you said before I do not know all the details but after this post I feel like I have a better understanding than I did before.<P>I have to admit I am an optimistic and I want everyone to be happy and when I see someone hurting the way you are I want to help give the strength to carry on.<P>But to be perfectly honest with you if your H refuses to be of any help whatsoever maybe you would be better off without him. I know you love him but you really do need his help because it takes two. One can carry the burden for awhile but not indefinately.<P>Your H is a very lucky guy to have a woman that cares so much and I wish I knew what to say that would convince him of that and help him to pull himself together but I am cluless as to what that would be.<P>The best advice I know to give you at this point is to just put the ball in his court and take care of yourself and live your own life and if the day comes that he wants to get off his duff and be a part of it and you still want him to be a part of your life then maybe then he will be willing to put forth a little effort.<P>But for now, I really think the only one you should be concerned with taking care of is you. The breaking point is a scary place to be, you have alot on your plate there is no doubt about that, and you need to lighten the load somewhere for your own well being.<P>Get away if you can, just try to escape for a little while to regain your own strength, I think you need that now more than ever. <P>As far as your H, I can't tell you whether or not he will come around but regardless you can't allow yourself to be destroyed, but I think he would definately be a huge fool if he doesn't.<P>Please take care of yourself and keep posting. There does come a time when we must care more about ourselves than our SOs and I think you have reached that point. Doesn't have to mean that you don't care about your H, it just means that you can't help him until he decides to help himself and if he can't help himself he sure can't help you and that means you will have to do it.<P>You are in my thoughts<P>Genie<BR>

N_B,<P>Iread Genie's post. And I thought of something that's in SAA.<P>As long as an affair is onging, reconciliation is hopeless.<P>Take care of yourself. Physicaly, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.<P>Try not to lovebust no matter what. Keep making deposits, while taking care of yourself.<P>You'll get a break, then you will be able to repair your M.<P>In the meantime get fit.<P>Remember we love you,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<B>Connor</B>, <P>Thank you again for replying and keeping up with my rants. You're a doll.<P>I am not sure of your "current" situation that makes you have that "dubious" honor of having been placed in the same position as me... I can only imagine, and it sucks.<P><B>MEDIC</B>,<P>Re: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did you try putting your marriage on hold and working on the friendship factor?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, ya..., and that's when he told me about the church lady not getting out of his heart and head. So much for being pals... if all it's for is to hear about his heart-throbs, then forget it.<P>I am <B>very</B> happy that it's working for you and Val though. You obviously love her, and that's so nice to hear.<P><B>Genie</B>,<P>Honey, don't apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. Yeah, you're longwinded (so am I ) but you speak volumes of truth. I know that. I meant what I said last night, not sure if you were able to read it: you were sent from heaven. Look who you've helped?? So many.<P>Don't worry, I am taking care of me now.<P><B>Bill</B><P>Re: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Try not to lovebust no matter what. Keep making deposits, while taking care of yourself.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Too late, I'm afraid. I'm the queen of the lovebusters today.<P>Love you all too!<BR>~Sheryl

sheryl I told you so! Can I say I told you so ?<BR>Look at all the people in here that agree with me that you need a break, that you are trying to hard, that you need to do things for yourself... gee I feel better for reading I'm not the only one suggesting the same <BR>You got e-mail , by the way <P>Hugs to you<BR>Kat<P><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

New_Beginnings,<P>At the risk of making someone mad that I have enjoyed communicating with for several months now. I just have to say something here. This whole thread has been a bash NB's H forum. He posted earlier today or yesterday (It is early in the morning ) and he sounded like a very depressed and lost man. He has been hurt in this as well. His response is to work hard. They have declared bankruptcy (twice ?). He obviously has needs that are not being met or the woman at church would not be attractive to him. He has been "slapped" for not taking care of son but he has been working two jobs isn't it NB? <P>I for one find it highly offensive to see criticism of this sort from people that really don't know the full situation. I certainly don't and would not pretend to be able to judge NB's H as a good father or not.<P>In summary, he is not perfect, but from the sounds of this post he is Satan incarnate. Wonder how encouraged he is to work on the old marriage after reading this series of posts? <P>NB you have been given some very good advice here. I hope you take it. You have been given very good advice in the past. Somehow it never really seems to be taken into action. Your H is not the problem and you know it. Your H has problems of his own, but you must fix yours before you can expect the two of you to have a real chance. He has some work to do also but this marriage was created by both of you. Blaming your H for not solving your problems when he cannot solve his own seems a little strange to me.<P>You both seem to expect the other to somehow pull the rabbit out of the hat for the other one. At this point it seems to me you need to catch your own rabbit. Meanwhile quit focussing on each others negatives and begin to consider the positives. If you do that and take care of yourself, then your marriage has a very good chance.<P>I hope this stern (finger wagging) lecture gets everyone off of NB's H and onto dealing with her problems. They are considerable and the result from several sources not the least of which she has not taken care of herself. This includes lack of sleep.<P>Please NB back off, take care of yourself, focus on the good things in your life and then and only then will your marriage have the chance it deserves.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

Sheryl,<BR>I am sorry to read about how upset you are. I don't have much to add to all the responses other that you are in my thoughts and I hope things calm down..... Soon. Maybe its time to get away from it for awhile, Give it a break and then reapproach it in a week. What ever you decide to do know that you are supported by us... The MB crew.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hi <B>Kat</B>,<P>You've got mail now too. <P><B>JL</B>,<P>What can I say to that? I could defend myself all over the place, tell you about things I've never even written here that have happened. The thing that concerns me most about your post is that you somehow think that everyone has spent the last five months bashing my H and my marriage. He has been lovingly held in the MB hands, and in <B>mine</B> for that matter. He can't or won't do <B>anything</B> to make this marriage better, and along I come at my wits end, have the people here understand me, and now we're all bad people calling my H "Satan Incarnate"?? <P>But the main thing I want to respond to is this: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He obviously has needs that are not being met or the woman at church would not be attractive to him<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>At the risk of you hating me, I have only one word: DUH!<P>No, nobody has the <B>whole</B> story and nobody ever will since <B>he won't open up, he won't go to counseling, or anything else, and never would</B>. <P>You suggest I work on myself. I agree with that, and as you may or may not have read, I have an appointment this week with a new counselor. That's after my other counselors over the years, all the meds I've taken, the churches I've visited, and every other thing I've done to better my life. But stupid me, huh? I just don't listen to all the good advice given to me. Oh, JL, <B>yes</B>, I have!<P><B>Rutger</B>,<P>Thank you for caring and responding.<P>~Sheryl<P>