Major setback last night. XOM called. What timing he has, nothing like "kicking a horse when it's down". I didn't say much, but I feel like the "saga" is continuing. Remember our discussion about being "friends". Oh, how I wish that could be. I know it's not possible. I honestly don't know if this will ever end. Will it? Sorry I'm so down.........just not doing very good today.

Good morning momma!<P>Sorry to hear you are down today. Don't be discouraged. You are still ok and on the road to recovery.<P>I have been doing pretty well, but I know if I even heard the OM's voice or saw him for an instant I would crumble. I am realizing why the No Contact is so important - it really does put us back there. It is sad, but it really doesn't seem possible to be friends.<P>It must be especially hard in your situation because of the baby. Praying for you this morning - don't be discouraged, you will make it and you have been so strong and an encouragement to many of us! Be kind to yourself today. Refocus your mind - put on some good music.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 22, 2000).]

(((((((((momma))))))))))<P>I think you need to do the letter than K was talking to me about. It is too painful for you to be friends with him. You need to stop all contact and since he's contacting you, you need to send him a no-conact letter.<P>They tell me it will end if you do no contact and really put your energy into your marriage. For the stubborn among us (i.e. me) it just takes longer.<BR>

Thank you, Sifted! You are such a wonderful friend. I'm hanging in here.....

It's not much but....<P><BR>{{{{{{{{{{momma}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm thinking of you today.<P>Your will is being tested and you know what you have to do (or what you can't do). <P>Stay strong. Think of the good things in your life (that don't include the OM). Go out and smell some flowers, watch the clouds in the sky, take a walk and clear your mind.<P>Just go out and be.<P>Your strong. You can do this.<P><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

TS,<BR>I haven't had contact in quite sometime, but this was a major setback for me. Probably because I've already been struggling this week. It's been "over" for me, but it's never been actually "set in stone" over. I just quit talking to him for awhile, then it starts up again. This had been the longest we hadn't talked to each other.<P>I know I need to do the letter. I'm just not ready to do that. I guess it's not even that I'm not ready, I guess I just don't WANT to yet. Like Sifted said, he's been my lifeline, I know he's always going to be there. I have to want to let him go, to actually do it. <P>K said you need to write the letter with H's help, then actually send it. Well, I can't tell my H that I'm still struggling w/this; he wouldn't understand why I'm not over it. He thinks it's over and that's that.<P>I don't know. Sorry I sound so wishy washy. I need to use the advice I so easily give out.<P>

Thank you, Molli! Your encouragement means so much to me!!!!

momma,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>K said you need to write the letter with H's help, then actually send it. Well, I can't tell my H that I'm still struggling w/this; he wouldn't understand why I'm not over it. He thinks it's over and that's that.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe if you told him that the OM has contacted you and you need to write the letter to ask (tell?) the OM not to contact you anymore. Maybe he would understand that?<P>Why is letting go so hard?<BR>

I don't know, TS. I don't know much of anything right now. Are you asking me why letting go is so hard, or are you just asking in general? Just wondered.<P>That's really good advice. Thanks for your help. I just need to use it! If I can ever get my rump in gear and do it. Feeling too down to do anything about it right now.

I was just asking in general.

Sucks, doesn't it!<P>Sorry, crappy attitude today!<p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 22, 2000).]

You know what? I'm kicking myself in the butt right now for this "feeling sorry for myself" attitude. Please ignore my whining, I'm sorry. I'm giving myself an attitude adjustment right now, so someone else doesn't do it for me! <P>I still thank you gals for being here!! I guess this is how we get through it. ????

Big Hugs to you Momma!<BR>I completely understand how the letting go is so difficult. You said it is so hard to let go of the lifeline...that's exactly how I feel, and yet, as you said, Momma, we can't be friends with them...it's simply too painful. <P>Momma, just remember how strong you've been for so long. You'll get through this, it's just a baby set back...and give yourself a great big pat on the back that it wasn't you who broke down and called him! So you didn't blow it...it's just a temporary set back. <P>I agree with writing the letter, I've written one myself, but I never sent it. So it did me no good except for a week or so where I felt in control of those conflicting emotions. <P>So I'm praying for you and how you can best resolve this. For me, I'm leaning more toward writing a letter and actually sending it. That will certainly end any contact, but like you, I'm not certain I'm ready...yet. <P>All of this to say that God is showing me how selfish I've been in this area. Yikes, that's a tough one to swallow, but it has helped me get my eyes off of me and my moody attitude, and focus them back on Him and my marriage.<P>I hope your day improves! <BR>Hugs, Wings<P><BR>

momma:<P>Do you think that your husband would not understand how you feel? I bet he is stronger than you think. You need to be open and honest with him. I understand he thinks its over, but I bet he would understand things aren't just put under a rug. I don't mean to sound cruel. Just my thought coming from someone going through it as well. I hate to hear things but I would rather know how my husband is doing and he is very open and honest about things.<P>But you are doing so great and I pray that you continue to work on marriage. I know how hard it has been on you. <P>One thing I have missed somewhere is, your husband is raising this child as his own, but where does OP stand with you?<P>Bighope

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Its not even possible to count the number of times my OM and I stopped talking to one another, and then re-started. You absolutely have to prescribe to no contact, and he needs to know that you don't want him in your life. Otherwise, it could go on forever (look at me, 9 years later). Also, I thought I was doing great with no contact for 2 years, and then one phone call pushed me back so far. <P>I know why all of our attempts at no contact never completely worked. We would say things along the lines of "We love each other, we just can't have one another. It's better if we just break it off..." instead of "I love my husband, and I don't want you in my life ever again." I have yet to do the latter, and hence, my predicament. I know how to start, I just haven't done it...

How are you doing, Tamis?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited June 22, 2000).]

This struck me:<P>"We love each other, we just can't have one another. It's better if we just break it off..." instead of "I love my husband, and I don't want you in my life ever again." <P>I admit we ended our No Contact in much the same way. Ouch! How painful to look at it for what it really is. <P>Thanks to all of you who are helping us to see the truth. Let's pray we'll all have the courage to go forward in truth.

Thanks Wings, Bighope, Tamis. Your support means so much to me.<P>He called again this morning; I'm not telling him not to call again. I told him we strictly have to be friends. I know Tamis you said no contact at all, but I can't tell him I don't want him in my life ever again. Because I do, I want to be able to talk to him whenever I want to. And I do tell him I love my H, he knows I do. I know you all are probably screaming at me to do the right thing, no contact at all. But as selfish as this sounds, I don't want the "no contact" right now. I know I'm asking for trouble saying we're just going to be friends, and I do feel guilty towards my H for even talking to him. But I can handle it (famous last words). I'm sorry I sound so hypocritical, but I'm not starting the "affair" up again, just talking occassionally. <P>I don't want to disappoint you guys, I'm just being honest w/you about how I'm feeling. I'm sorry I sound so selfish and stupid as well. Thank you for your encouragement; I'm still heeding your advice.

We would say things along the lines of "We love each other, we just can't have one another. It's better if we just break it off..." instead of "I love my husband, and I don't want you in my life ever again." <P><BR>Tamis, that sounds exactly how we were, too. Don't know how we get to that latter part. ??

Bighope you said,"One thing I have missed somewhere is, your husband is raising this child as his own, but where does OP stand with you?"<P>I'm not sure what you mean by this question. <P>