Hi folks - Those of you who've followed the saga of Wexwill P.I. since I first discovered 100% solid evidence of my W's affair a little over a year ago, know that this has been one of my main projects. I guess my logic on this is that if my W isn't going to give up her affair on her own (or even confess to it), then I'll just have to break it up myself if I want her back. This would seem to require knowing who the OM is.<P>Anyway, as the result of some online searches (plus a lot of other stuff I already knew), I've pretty well narrowed the possibilities down to just one guy. I'd say at this point that I'm about 90% certain it's him. (I've got to do a little more detective work to be absolutely 100% sure.) The good news is, he's married. This gives me a lot of leverage, I think, and once I'm 100%, I'm definitely going to do what I've advise everyone else in this situation to do and that is tell his W. (I've thought about this so much, I don't have any hesitation or qualms about doing it, just a lot of caution, but I do have to be 100% certain.) The bad news is that this guy may be an ex-cop, which would explain why he and my W have been so hard to catch. So I will have to be extra careful.<P>My plan now is to continue my evidence gathering until I have something that will really convince his W. Then I will send it to her anonymously either by email or snail-mail and let the buffalo chips fall where they may. (It will be interesting to observe how my W reacts.) To tell the truth, I was hoping he'd turn out to be married, just so I could do this.<P>The fact that he's married also explains why my W hasn't run away with him and seems to want to stay married to me. (I figured that was probably the case, but wasn't sure until now.)<P>Anyway, that's my update for today. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Wex, buddy -- Good for you!!! I've often wished W's OM was married so I could do the same, but you have no leverage at all when they are single.<P>Someday you need to post the story of how you accomplished this. It would probably make very good reading. Or, maybe a book that would be sure to be a bestseller......<P>I'm sending what little good luck I have left your way. Make whatever use of it you can...

Hey Wexwill, have you thought of changing your line of work. Sounds like you'd make a great detective, ha ha. <BR>I wish you all the luck in the rest of your fact gathering. I bet the entire story would make a great movie of the week. <BR>Keep up the good work.<BR>Viki

Wex, <P>Hey buddy - good for you! I never thought I would be saying that to someone who's trying to find out if there wife is having an affair. You know what I mean. <P>K and a couple others gave me the advice to not tell the OM's wife - at least for now. Their argument was rather convincing - centered around it not doing anything to help my wife love me more. I still think I should and am almost to point of doing it but I feel I should consult the all knowing Steve H. first. Also, I think if I do I will wait until after the holidays.<P>Keep up the spying and let us know how it goes.<P>SHA

Wily Wex,<P>Such tenacity and stick-to-it-iveness! I realize that you are seeking a solution to this terrible ordeal, and hope that you are on the right track. I tend to be a less confrntational person about most things, but I can't say I wouldn't do the same as you have if I were in your cyber-shoes.<P>I'm glad to see that you are taking a verbal, rather than physical approach here. Anything else is NOT worth it.<P>PS Does your wife still live w/ you? any kids?<P>Khyra

Wex,<BR>Why don't you stake him out since your w is suspicious of you tailing her ?<BR>Bob

Don't mean to piss on your parade, but here is a potential series of events you might want to figure the probability of before you get chatty:<P>- you identify cohort.<BR>- You tell cohort's wife, complete with photos.<BR>- Cohort's wife freaks, kicks him out.<BR>- Cohort is now available for more serious consideration.<BR>- Wife lends lots of emotional support to cohort.<BR>- Wife ends up very angry at you, "you lying [censored], how dare you destroy this man's marriage to support your crazy stories! I'll never forgive you!"<BR>- Wife moves out.<BR>- What do you know, since they are both single now, they pick it up. But of course they never dated before you went crazy and they maintain that until the end of time.<P>Remember, you don't have an agreement with this man that he will keep his hands off your wife. You have an agreement with your wife that she will keep her hands off of other men.<P>I suggest another tactic. Once you have the compromising photographs (yes, you will need photos, hire a P.I. they are good at that stuff), confront her with them and kick her out "until she knock it off". That will put the pressure on Mr. New Man to leave his wife to comfort yours, and we'll see what he is made of. If he doesn't that will pretty much burst her bubble. Of course, if he does you are screwed.<P>Walk softly. "Getting" her seems like a good idea right now, but it never works. You'll find her to be a formidable adversary if you force her into protecting herself.<BR>

Wex,<P>Nonplused makes a convincing argument of the flip side of the coin......<P>Please put a lot of thought into this before you act.<P>"Glad" things are at least proving the story is correct... unfortunately.....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey Wex,<P>Looks like I'm going with Nonplused and RMA on this one. I'm sure you want to know who the OM is. We all wanted to know who was so important to our S to ruin a marriage. Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back.<P>What you do with this information next is upmost important. I don't know if you saw RWD's post. Confronting the OM S is a major love buster. This is even higher than beating the crap out of OM with the shallow grave in Georgia.<P>You want to know who it is, ok. You want to go further, think about what end result you are looking for. Will this help or hinder your progress. Confrontation will hurt you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Ive gotto go with Nonplused,RMA& Medic.<P>Do you love your W?<BR>Do you want to be married to her?<P>If your answer is no, then by all means get all the revenge you can, however do you want OM's W to feel like you do, that is if she doesn't know.<P>The hard truth is, if we want our marriage we have to swallow the big pill and eat our pain. Yes this SUCKS and it's not fair. Betrayers should be made to feel as bad as we do. If they actualy have a concience they probably feel worse. Thier only safe place, so they think, is with OM. If we show them we can overcome our resentment and be friends with them, we can create as safe place for them/us to heal, home.<P>It's that simple. And it really sucks. I want my wife back, so this is what I have to do.<P>Think this ALL the way through.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<BR>I uncovered W's latest affair 8/1. She has been able to keep most of it under wraps, but I did my detective work (GO WEX!) and figured him out. Later she answered a bunch of what I considered important questions, leaving me with about a million unimportant questions. I have, so far, managed to fight off the urge to contact OM and/or OM's W for the same reasons that have already been mentioned in this thread. If my wife files for divorce, though, OM and his W will very likely hear from me - and my attorney. I'm only holding back out of hopes that my marriage might come back together. If not, well...you play, you pay. I promise that I'll give his marriage all the respect and consideration he gave mine.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Wex, First timers posting here....<BR>This sounds too familiar. I just caught my W in a "pre-affair" emotional, some kissing, hugging, emails of upcoming meetings, no sex (yet). He was driving it that direction, my wife to her credit is as naive as they come. Good for me! I caught it on her email. I knew the password. M for 19 yrs. never even a bump in the road before this. We have restored us, but now for him. I choose not to tell his W, as we talked and he appologized for going this far with my W, will never recontact my W. He is one my sons sport teammembers dad!<BR>So we will be seeing him for the next 3 months several times a week, oh joy. Our Pastor told us to bail, but kids dont know, so we will stay but guarded. I didn t tell hi s W because of his cooperation. He does not know that I taped our conversation should he oops and do something he will regret. Time will tell. <P>------------------<BR>jnvc

Wex - <BR>What perserverence you have -- I commend you for hanging in and getting the proof to show her that you know 100% she IS having an affair and that YOU aren't the nutty one. I, for one, must say that I think the only right thing to do is to let they guys wife know about their affair too. Anonymously may be the best way ... but what about "her" and "her" feelings?? I mean, if it were my husband having the affair, I would only HOPE that someone would shed some light my way and let me know whats going on. Its not fair to her or you to keep it disclosed. I know some feel here that it would cause a bustup with the guy and his wife, leaving the door open for your wife and him to get together ... but as the past has shown ... if thats what they plan to do anyway, whats to stop them? If they are not truly in our hearts anyway, they are gone. The real issue is that if those two choose to be together - they're going to find a way to do it. We all need to realize the issue is that they are the ones making the "bad" decision ... and we can't change what they do.. only hope that they see the light or change their ways. I only think its fair to married couples that they know if the other party is having an affair ... it hurts, yes, but I sure would want to know if it were my husband carrying on with some other woman. Wex, I think you should let her know. Your wifes choice to be with you will be her choice. People need to face the truth of what they are doing ...both parties are being so dishonest to their spouses and it so unfair for both of them to not know! You know now (all but 10%) and this guys wife should know to decide what she wants to do with her life. If this guys wife kicks him out and your wife and he get together .. thats what would have happened anyway ... sooner or later. THEY have to make these choices and live with their decisions. They are both morally screwing up two families and its not right.

I know who OM was...made it worse...couldn't believe that it was him. suggest that you be cautious but do what you feel you have to...

Wex: and SHA: After some thought, I think you should both tell OM's W. Reason being that here at MB we preach and proclaim total honesty. That should go for you and OP's W.<P>How would you like it if your spouse was having an affair (oh wait, they are) and you had no clue. Even if it ended and you went your merry way never knowing. You would still want to know.<P>WilliamJ asked if you wanted the OM's W to feel like you. No, I wouldn't, but I also wouldn't want her to be duped by slime that would do what OM is doing either. Think of it this way, how can they have a real chance at their marriage like it is, with your silence? They can't, it needs to be brought out. For your marriage and theirs.<P>Good luck buddy.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P>

<B>Paul</B><BR>Everything in the world screams at me to tell this lady. It does seem like the right thing to do. It would crush her; that I'm certain. But, I do know it would not do anything to increase my wife's love for me. <P>I often wonder how I would react to someone calling me and telling me the same thing. I would believe them? Probably not, especially if I had no reason to think other wise. i would confront my wife with what the person told me and at that point it would be up to her if she wanted to confess or keep a lie going. I don't have pictures of them in a compromising situation. I have email messages. I think any logically thinking individual could read these and know something is going on but I also see how someone could deny and twist the meaning of the words. <P>I'm sure the OM would deny the affair to his wife. It may bring him to understand the possible destruction that is occuring and focus on saving his marriage. It may also cause him to move away from his wife and closer to mine. His wife with be left with uncertainties. I think telling her is just another example of me trying to manipulate the outcome. <P>I'm really struggling with this decision. I want my wife to come to see what is happening herself. I'm sure she never thought she would be an OW to another lady. <P>I'm praying about this Paul. I so much want to do what is right. If telling this woman is "right", then I won't hesitate.<P>I don't want my wife to settle for me. I want her to break this addiction and choose me. Perhaps that's my own fantasy - I don't know. I was so close to this being over in the summer, and now it seems I'm struggling and hurting all over again. <P>Paul, please pray that the Lord will lead me in the correct path with this decision.<P>SHA

Hi Wex,<BR>it's been a long time.....<P>I'm voting....don't tell don't find out -<P>Maybe my head is in the sand but the less I knew made it that much easier to "not revisit in my mind". It kept it a fantasy....<P>I'm curious though...has there ever been a chase you've lost ??? I'd venture a guess, NO !! <P>Tina

A response to something Paul said,<P>I don't believe complete honesty within a marriage necessarily entails interfering in somebody else's marriage to bring about complete honesty there.<P>Complete honesty in this case, in my mind, would indicate telling your wife you plan to tell the OM's poor wife. Wexwill, how do you think your wife would react if you told her about your plans up front? If you already know what the reaction would be, you probably know how she will react afterwards. Plus, if you do this behind her back, I would question whether or not your are living up to your end of the honesty bargain.<BR>

Thanks, everybody, for your responses and advice, both pro and con. Even the posts that were against my telling OM's wife helped clarify my thinking. Here's where I am now.<P>I guess my feeling is that if she's nuts enough about the guy to stop having sex with me in favor of him, there's not a lot I can do to win her back, so what have I got to lose? I feel like I've already lost the most important thing in my life, her love. Now it's payback time. I'll admit that's my basic motive, pure and simple. I am basically a forgiving guy when someone apologizes and asks me to forgive them. But neither the OM or my W have done this and it doesn't look like they ever will. In fact, just the opposite, and they've finally pushed me too far. Telling the OM's W is the only thing I know that will force this whole thing out in the open. If that means my W runs off with the OM, so be it. If she feels strongly enough about him to do that, there's no keeping her anyway. So maybe it will finally force her to choose between him and me.<P>nonplused - Frankly, if my partner has broken our sacred contract the way my W has, I no longer feel bound by that contract either. For a long time, even after I knew of her affair, I DID try to keep the terms of our contract, including being honest, and it only led to more pain. One of the reasons this whole mess makes me feel so terrible is just that I feel I no longer have any choice but to get down in the muck with the two of them. I'm not enjoying this one bit, I assure you, as it does go against a lot of my basic values, but sometimes in war (and this is a real one) we have to do this. There comes a time when a man has to stand up and be a man.<P>Tfloyd - I lost the chase with my 1st W. Knew she was having affairs and did nothing. That's why I'm determined never to let it happen again. What I'm doing now doesn't feel good, but I know it would feel a lot worse NOT to do it.<P>SHA - Ah, my friend, I wish I had your forbearance, patience, hope and love. You are an inspiration to me and I think about you a lot when I think about my own situation. There are times when I think I would like to follow your way, but then realize I just have too much anger in me. We live in an angry world where, no matter how innocent we are, we still have to defend ourselves against vicious predators like OP's sneaking in and disrupting our marriages with their unspeakable filth. Hey, even St. George killed the dragon.<P>Paul - My basic motive is to vindicate myself not help out the OM's W. I don't know her. If telling her helps her great. I think it's not a bad idea to invoke a better motive than just payback in this whole business. And thanks for your well wishes.<P>Happy Again! - Oh, I do plan to play this very, VERY carefully. After all, I think the guy may be an ex-cop.<P>Cndy - Exactly my sentiments. Except (know it sounds callous) at this point I'm not thinking a whole lot about how OM's W is going to feel. Anyway, who knows? Maybe she already knows and she's not telling ME!<P>jnvc - Oh, to have a cooperative OM. You lucky dog!<P>o2bsane - I am also considering suing the OM (if I can get proof that will stand up in court). Adultery is seriously illegal in most states, so the guy IS breaking the law by banging my W. From what I've read, it's very hard to prove, though. You almost have to catch them in the act. Even being in a motel room together doesn't consitute legal proof that they had adulterous relations.<P>Bill- I used to think the way you do, but after this last round of recriminations from my W, I think I've just about given up getting her back. I did try very, VERY hard for a while and felt no progress whatsoever was being made. I could tell from the way she talked that she was never going to confess her affair, and that, as long as she didn't, it was going to slowly drive me crazy. <P>Medic - Oh, I am not going to confront HIM. I am going to let his W do that, that's the clever part. I'm fairly sure his W also knows my W (though I don't know either of them), as her name was in my W's address book along with his. As you can see, my mind's pretty well made up, though I haven't absolutely decided to do it yet. But I appreciate people advising agin it too, as it does clarify my thinking.<P>RMA - Yeah, my intention is to put a LOT of thought into it. It could be dangerous and will be a lot of work.<P>RWD - That, my friend, is the plan. One scheme I'm seriously considering is planting one of those little tracking transmitters on his car. That way I'll know when he's in the neighborhood, and exactly where.<P>Khyra - Yes, my W does still live with me, though we've been sleeping in separate beds since Sun. after T-day. No kids, which makes it easier to go through this stuff. And no, I don't plan anything physical (though thoughts of putting a bullet through OM's brain do occur to me from time to time, I confess).<P>Viki, heartpain - I do think I could get a good book out of this whole saga (followed by the movie, starring Nick Nolte, Jane Fonda and John Lithgow as the OM). And maybe I actually will write it. It's the story of how one man, with no real talent for detective work, taught himself at least some of the tricks. Still don't feel I'm all that good, since it's taken me so long to get this far, but I'm learning.<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex<P>

Wex,<BR>What are the laws regarding affixing a transmitter to someones car?<P>I heard a case where a guy bugged his ex-girlfriends home and got involved in federal wiretapping charges.<P>Watch yor @ss !<P>Bob