Buffy:<BR>Thank you for your input and opinon. I am sorry that you are also experiencing this terrible time in your life.<P>I usually only post on the divorce board now, but after 15 months of h$ll (the time it took me to striaghten out my head, my emotions of hatred, anger etc) I did want to put in another perspective.<BR>The fact is some people do not wake up from their affair, they need a young bimbo who will "love" them for the materialistic world they can provide which would never be possible to these young "women" otherwise. If not this woman, then he will be with a sl@t of similar ilk. This is the man you see in every city...close to 20 years older than the thing on his arm, the man most laugh at behind their backs, the man who wants to be accepted so desperately by all, tha man who charms the world and leaves his family destitute if he could (not in my case as I can more than manage on my own), the man whose wife has stood behind him in everyway but the need for material love (for want of a better word) is the drive....and this is what happened in my case.<P>Until H decides that this is not what he wants (and he always aspired to material sucess with delusions of grandeur...which ow now fuels) this relationship will continue.<P>It is not the norm, but my H lost his head in this MLC thing as there was so much in him that he cannot deal with and never will.<P>However, since I have always been more grounded and "solid" I have been able to find the strength to get my kids through this and myself as well.<BR>I am not full of hatred (please read my post on the divorce board titled "I finally figured this all out...lol"<P>

Missy, <BR>I work for a large company,and have seen several affairs that didn't last.Probably for all the reasons listed,and the fact that the affair is based on infatuation,and lust,which eventually dies out.<BR> <BR>However,my sister's ex has been living with an older,rich woman for over 10 years now.Sis didn't think it would last,but divorced him for other reasons,too,(drugs,pornography,previous affairs).I guess it's an amicable arrangement.She's got a BoyToy,and he gets a life of luxury.They go on numerous trips together,and I'm sure she likes having a good-looking,young man by her side.So,there's no telling how long this relationship will last.I don't know if you'd call this love,though.<BR> My sis just loves it when he brings the kids back,and they tell her all about his recent trip to Europe with Mrs Robinson! <P> ~~Murph

I'm a WS. My A didn't last, because I chose to be w/my H and for all the other reasons that have been listed.<P>I decided that the life I built w/my H was not worth giving up for OM. I cared for OM, but a great majority was a fantasy I was trying to create. I don't want to get into that fantasy thing (as it creates too much discussion!), but I was thinking very selfishly, only about me and not my H and kids. It killed me to see the torture my H was going through. The time we were separated for a week or so was very hard on the kids, and they're little. I don't want to ever see my kids crying like that for my H again and vice versa.<P>My A didn't last, because I "woke up". Not to mention the guilt and shame I felt sneaking around. While in the A, I was so hateful to my H, part of that being because I felt guilty. Guilt is an awful thing to carry, it can tear a person up.<P>Another reason my A didn't last was because I made the decision to end it. I came to those cross roads where I HAD to make a decision, either my H or OM. There was no way I could give up my H, so that meant no more OM. I had to consciously make the decision and not look back.<P>If someone is in an A because of a bad marriage, they should end the marriage first. My Dad always said, "Finish what you started." So, in other words, if you're going to stay married, then work on your marriage, don't bring someone else into it. If you're not going to stay married, end the marriage FIRST, before starting a realationship w/someone else.<P>It kind of reminds me of junior high and high school when you were attracted to so many different people. One week you'd have one boyfriend, then the next you'd have another! And if you were in a "relationship" and someone else better came along, then you'd just drop the previous one and move on. <P>Well, this isn't high school anymore! Not by far! All of us who have said, "I do" are bound FOR LIFE w/that person. We made the choice to marry our spouse, so how can we betray him/her? People do everyday. I know, I've done it. But that doesn't make it right. If you don't want to be w/your spouse, the least you can do is let your spouse go, so that one day he/she can be happy.<P>Sorry this is so long and drawn out! I don't know if my rambling had any point, but I wanted to give you a point of view from a WS.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 14, 2000).]

Amen momma,<BR>I wish my wife would view life with such clarity.

Well, I have been on both sides of this issue. I left my first wife for my second wife, then she left me for another man.<P>Not in the way of justification, but I remember on my wedding day to my first wife thinking that I should not be doing this. But I was 18, and we had a son, and I felt obligated. Our marriage lasted 8 years, then I met the OW. I remember how it was with the fog and not listening to anyone. Her family did their best to try to get me to see, but I refused.<P>Now the shoe is on the other foot. 14 years later (some of us take a long time to learn things). I get very angry with her, and then think of how I was when we started. If one has moments of clarity, one sees that they are doing wrong. But it is like a drug.<P>I have regret that I did not handle things well with my first marriage. She remarried, but is not very happy. My kids hate the stepdad, but all in all he has been a decent guy. I regret leaving my kids for her and vowed that I would never leave my kids with the OW. Only now, after it has happened to me, do I see how badly I behaved and how badly I hurt her. I toy with the idea of going and apologizing to her, but would it do any good?<P>So the question, why don't affairs last. Well, some do. I would have done anything to keep my second marriage together, even though it was very non-traditional according to almost everyone's standards. It took five years before we married, because I wanted to make sure I did it right this time.<P>I see her with the OM, and I wonder. Maybe she has found with him what I found with her. Or maybe this was preordained, because of my behavior with the first wife. Time will tell. The karmic wheel and all of that stuff.<P>Some people do change because of affairs. Some even become better people. I did, although I imagine I will get some arguement on this point. I wonder if I could have made these changes with my first wife. I don't know.<P>My wife has also lost everything. Job, house, kids, credit, etc. But she says she is happier than she ever was. Again, time will tell.<P>I don't know if this is an answer, but...

Once again, back to the top!!<P>C'mon guys, need more testimonials, stories and compelling info telling us why affairs don't last.<P>Jo

Back up to the TOP for me, Missy and Vic (good friend who is in a crisis and is lurking).<P>Jo

Me Again! Back to the TOP.<P>Please add your informed reasons why "Affairs Don't Last".<P>Thanks,<BR>Jo

I think that my H's affair didn't last because he still had the same problems that he had when we were together. I think that he thought that the affair would assuage some of them. Sure, he had a sympathetic ear. He had someone who would listen to him and accept his complaints, unconditionally. But he was still stuck with *himself* - his debts, the IRS hounding him, his lack of employment, his lack of happiness. Nothing she could have done can change the sadness and disappointment he felt with *himself.* I think that he came to eventually see this, and realize that I was there all the time. I just saw the situation for what it was, no more or no less. Perhaps he got tired of having a "cheerleader" who really wasn't in the position to help him change these things. Nor was it her duty, or her right. As my H's wife, it is *my* duty to help him through the bad times. I really think that my H, too, "woke up" and smelled the coffee. <P>While we were separated, I too was wooed by many a single gentleman who gave me their sympathy and their ear. I could have easily fallen in love with one of them. He was my "best friend." But when I realized that no matter how much I confided in him and no matter how much advice he gave, it was NOT going to change my perception of myself, I told him that the friendship was getting far too intimate, and I had to back off if I wanted my marriage to survive. Tempting? Oh, yes, definitely. If I'd been a weaker person, perhaps I would have indulged myself in an affair. But I knew that would only add to my many problems (aside from the fact that it was just plain *wrong*). So I can understand why my H needed the OW at the time that he did. I know that she got hurt. I know that she expected more. I know that she's really p*ssed off at him. But I can't do anything about that - as far as I'm concerned, she knew what she was getting into from the start. She might be younger than me, but she's no dummy. <P>This is why I think my H's affair didn't last - several things that he has told me have indicated that I am correct.<P>belld