I am so tired of feeling the pain of loving him. I just don't want to love him and NOT have him in my life. The only thing I can think of is to force myself to absolutely hate him. The thing is, I love absolutely everything about him. Please help me hate him! God, help me to hate him. Oh, but please don't use the "fantasy line" because it really does not work for me. It just doesn't. I need some new lines. I need to do something, god, anything to stop loving this man with all of my heart. I need to hate him - it is the only way I can survive this. Please help me hate my OM. I love him so much and this just hurts so very very much. Why can't I hate him?

He chose to have an affair with a married person. If he had any respect for you or your feelings, how could he do such a thing? Yes your marriage wasn't all that great, but you were still married and he chose to allow you to totally disregard your marriage vows.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

I don't know if there is any way you will ever hate your OM...I've been trying to hate mine and it just doesn't work! Nothing anybody tells you will work.<P>There has to be another way to deal with the pain...I'm trying to figure that out now. I think the best way is to concentrate on your relationship with your H (I don't really know your story). My main goal at this point is not to hate my OM but to make myself happy. I'm so sick and tired of being sad that I've just about given up on trying to find happiness through others.<P>However, I am a MAJOR hypocrite...I just broke down and called my OM this morning. Of course, I felt great while I was speaking to him and then felt like crap afterwards. I'm not feeling as bad as expected...maybe I'm starting to move on.<P>I don't know what to tell you, but find ways to make yourself happy. I think that when your happy you will find that you can be happy with your H. I'd like to follow my own advice! I know it's hard to deal with the pain...extremely hard...

Yup, Chris, that's a very good start!<P>You also need to remember that if you had gotten together with the OM, and when the going got tough in your relationship with him, he would think nothing of going after another married woman.<P>No regard for marriage vows.<P>But, FC, it just takes time. God has been working miracles in this area for me. I've been over the edge with feelings for OM (now [censored]), but I've been praying for God to remove the feelings, the thoughts, the memories .... and He's doing it. For the first time just last week I was thinking of [censored] and his "new" life in another city, and I realized I didn't want to be sharing that life with him.<P>It has also helped that he's been going out with two other women ... and he's still married (tho in the process of getting a divorce).<P>It will fade though. I'm proof of that. And I promise you I was as emotionally "gone" as you are right now. <p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited August 23, 1999).]

Well i am also in the same situation here,only i sure don't want to hate the om as he doesn't deserve to be hated as he did nothing wrong,well nothing that i didn't also do as i am married and he is not.It was something that happened as in my marriage there was something missing obviously or i would not have been on icq nightly talking to him and others.We have talked daily on the phone for several months now and have even met for 3 days,i have no guilt as it was too wonderful with him and i have been telling my husband for years now that i need more from him but there was no change,i have done oodles of romantic things over the 17 years of our marriage and lord knows i tried.Well now that hubby knows all about my affair he has made a complete turn around but how am i supposed to get someone i truly love out of my mind?Its not that easy at all as you know that you that are going through it.I feel more like sisters and brothers than spouses and am afraid thats how we have always been,friends but thought we were in love,i always knew something missing but until meeting otherman i wasn't sure what.I do know that we are not together and yes there will be bills,normal household problems being together as we have now but i can honestly say that i am not sure that i want to stay here and i think to make a marriage work that both partners have to be willing to try i am not sure my heart is 100% into it.Hubby knows how i feel about other man and like i said is trying hard now with so much affection attention and caring but where was he years ago when i told him how i felt and said we would end up like his parents who are divorced.He didn't want to go to a marriage counsellor but now since alal this has happened we have gone,why does it take something so serious to happen to wake some men up????Meanwhile i am going crazy not knowing what to do but i do think i would be happiest with otherman although i have a good hubby.......care to e-mail me at chatwithu35@hotmail.com or icq me at 23012047......thanx i need input.........JANICE

Thank you to all three of you. I don't know why I can't hate a man who took another man's wife. Maybe because I know I let him do so ( and so did H). Is it robery if you leave your goods out on the front lawn with a "take me (take her)" sign? Holly, I don't want to love OM anymore, but the truth is, I don't have an ounce of hate for him. I see him as nothing less than perfect. I know he isn't, but God, I love his flaws because they remind me that he is human, and if he is human, he is real, and if real, then what we had wasn't a dream. My God, I'm in this really deep! God, I’m just so miserable today! I hate myself for loving OM and for letting him go. I hate God for his stupid rules about marriage. I hate H for being what stands between OM and Me. I hate OM for needing to go on with his life (because I won't leave H for OM - after 2 1/2 years of waiting and pleading for me to leave H for OM). I’m just so full of hate today. I even hate being full of hate! I know all of this is a selfish tantrum (please let me have my tantrum today). I’m just so sick and tired of this pain in my heart and the hole in my life. I really want to pack my bags and go away and just be alone. I’m depressed, missing OM, and I really need to turn all of this love into hate. I can’t see another way to live. My fear, however, is that my hate for OM will pass on to our son. I can’t let that happen. But the pain and the anger and the hate are eating me alive!<p>[This message has been edited by facing choices (edited August 23, 1999).]

Another big problem - Um, feeling this down and vulnerable - I really worry that I'll hop in the sack with someone else. I'm not a totally loose lady or anything, but I just really want to feel comforted - but not by H. I don’t know why I can’t turn to him – I suppose because I don’t love him and he does not “comfort” me. I happen to hate God with a terrible fury right now, so that kind of comfort is out of the question. Some folks drink, I cling, and I've got an all too dangerous opportunity sitting on my doorstep. I'm terrified that I'll do some sick, crazy rebound thing to just stop the pain. It is so bad, it is so horrible. I miss and love OM so much and I just can’t have him. I feel like I'm not thinking straight. I have to get over this. I feel like I need to get out of the house, but I'm afraid of what I'll do. I'm already starting to play out the scene in my mind. Help me stop this PLEASE!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by facing choices (edited August 23, 1999).]

facing choices,<P>Look at the situation you are in. Nobody did this to you. Not your H, OM or God. You got yourself in this position. You have the strength within you to get out of it and forge ahead! Make something positive from all this.<P>I admit I often feel the way you do!

FC,<P>Look at what he's done to you. Whether it's his fault, H's fault, or your fault, look what's happened to you because of it. The hate and discontent, the pain and heartache. They are all steming from the relationship with OM. Things weren't great before OM, but aren't they worse now?<P>I'm sorry you are having such a bad day. Things are not getting any better with H? I know for myself I feel so much better when H is playing his part and meeting my needs. I suspect if your H was doing a better job with needs you'd have a much easier time forgetting OM. Hoping that your tomorrow is better than today!<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I have been in your shoes, and the devastation I felt was so painful. When I felt as desperate and depressed as you do now, I felt like driving off of a cliff. Never mind that I had 2 beatiful children at home, all I could think about was OM, wanting him, not being able to have him, resenting H for all of this. Thoughts of suicide over a man? Unbelievable but true. I got myself down to a psychiatrists office on that last desperate day, with no appointment, and told the receptionist what I was feeling. I was put on anti-depressants and counseling right away, and it took a little while, but that desperation and depression finally subsided and let me see reality without those distorted views.<P>I think you are showing signs of depression and although you can't see it from your side, your view of your life is all distorted right now. I know how you feel, it is so hard to imagine life without OM, but you say in your post that you did choose H over OM. there must have been a light that you could see when you made that decision. Maybe if you got on an anti-depressant, it would help you see the situation more clearly and you might not feel so helpless. <P>It's hard, I know. But eventually, you may not HATE the OM, but you may come to realize that you don't need him either. hating would be easier, but not necessary.

How long have you been in withdrawl and how did things end with the OM? Also, what is your situation with your H?<P>I tried reading your profile...but there was none.<P>I too have felt that if I couldn't have OM that I would one day find another...because I could never be happy with my H. I know better now...I would never want to feel this kind of pain again.<P>Why do you feel you cannot turn to your H?

I read this post hoping to find the answer to the question-I too am having a hard time forgetting OM. I can't have him, and actually don't really want him...I want my H. But my feelings for OM are still there and won't go away. <P>I'm the weak one...shows my emotions, etc. He never told his W, I told my H and tried to move on. He just pretended nothing happened and wants me to just remember he'll "always love me". I believe what he said, but I just want to get past it. H and I have been "rediscovering each other" a lot and it's been wonderful. So even me, in this situation where I'm totally in love with my H can't forget the OM, then chances are it will take a LOT of time and effort.<P>Only answer I've found so far.<P>icq me if you need to talk anyone.<P>13577531<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

You are an adult. Get a grip or get some serious help. You are a mother. If you can't put your H ahead of yourself, at least think of your son.<P>You do not have to act on every feeling you have. You are very good at defining your situation. That is half the way to a solution. Some can not see that far. You are obviously very bright.<P>I am sorry for your pain, but displacing it on everyone around you is not the answer.<P>Your H is not keeping you from the other man. Your commitment to your H and your own choices are. <P>You commented in another thread about how a different old boyfriend was a lot like you and it didn't work out. If you make up scenes in your head, think of OM as old boyfriend. If he is not as stable as your H, you may have to act like the grown up in your relationship. You may have to earn the money. You may have to budget or pay the bills or whatever other mundane tasks or roles your H is good at and you are not.<P>Take off the rose colored glasses and project into the future. It may not be as great as you think. You seem to take your H's good characteristics and label them negatively. OM can take a married woman, pursue her and still profess to espouse Christian values. It makes me want to scream. The thought comes to mind, be careful what you want, you just might get it.<P>God can take your anger, just don't turn your back on the One who can help you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Holly,<BR>I updated my profile. I don't know what happened to the old one, one day it was just gone. It is really long, but if you want to get right down to it, read my profile starting from the middle - Start from "enter OM".

FC, Forcing yourself to hate will not help. Rising above it will. Love your baby and your H. When you get the feeling for the OM, think of your baby or your H.<BR>The passion in hate and the passion in love are often closly related in feelings. That is why many times we hate the one we love. Not really hate tho, a passionate dislike. <BR>The best way (IMO) to get past the OM is to make him a person by seeing his faults and diminish his importance in your thoughts.

That's quite a story...I don't know how to respond.<P>You said you will stay with you H until January 2000...are you planning on leaving him after that or are you hoping things will get better?<P>I know if I had a timeline on working on my marriage that it might make it more difficult. Is it that your just trying to "do the right thing", so that you can say you gave your marriage a chance?

FC,<BR>I don't mean to sound judgmental in what I am going to say. But here goes. If you really want to hate someone, you should be hating Satan because he is the one who enticed you just as he enticed Eve to eat of the one tree she and Adam were not allowed to eat from. We must remember that Satan is the fourth most powerful entity and first most powerful created being (angels, man, etc.) in God's creation. He fooled you into having emotions that went down a path that God never intended. We are actually capable of loving more than one person. I still love my exgirlfriend but not in the same way that I love my W. Lots of prayer, Bible study, and meditation will get you through this. As usual, you are in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

FC, Also, Does comfort=sex? since when? Find someone that can give the comfort without the sex. A reletive or a girlfriend. Are you still getting professional help?

fc:<P>I'm going to suggest (again and again) that you call Steve Harley and start doing some marriage counseling with him. Just my $0.02.

FC - I order you to hold on!!! Nine months ago, when my W first dumped on me I realized that not only did we drift a part, but I really didn't know her anymore. I set out to know her again. We started talking again. We started dating again. I started touching her again. In the process - I fell in love with her again. <P>FC, I know it's hard. But, maybe try giving abundantly. I understand the anger toward God, but His principals are already in place. You give and it will be given unto you overflowing. <P>I hope time will kill your love for the OM. I hope your H knows what you are feeling or would at least be willing to have you show him how he could help you. <P>Try giving. By giving to your H, I think your feelings for him will overcome your feelings for the OM. You may start seeing your H in a new light. It will take time though. So don't expect overnight results. I'm still working at this too.<P>I'm pulling for you FC. Don't give up. Please don't give up.<P>God bless you.<P>SHA