FHL--I never thought you were needling me. The oddest thing about my relationship with the OM was the timing. We met in July, shortly after Guard left me that time. The OM was a customer in my store. A flirtacious, suddenly frequent customer and it meant no more than that. Then when Guard left me in Oct., after I had tried so hard...the OM seemingly offered me everything I had prayed for: someone to love & be with me, financial security, a fun lifestyle (and fun was in short supply these past years), my kids--though he never met them would be welcome in his life, he seemed like "sanctuary". That's the point when I think I posted about him, calling him "T" for temptation. Looking back I'm a little surprised I didn't "fall for him" sooner, but instead wouldn't see him outside of my store & then tried another reconciliation Guard.<P>The person I became in Jan was so ANGRY . Angry at God, angry at Guard...and here was the OM who offered me a peaceful place to be, and spun me wonderful, soothing stories, who adored me. The other thing he did right was to let me go when I wasn't so sure about the divorce and in many ways still acting so married to Guard. The OM made sure the "no contact" was no contact when I slipped. I hated it as much as I've grown to respect what he did. I can't talk too much more about him because I'm still on the edges of withdrawal and thinking about him simply isn't the right thing for me to do. I so empathize with NoMas's post's longings, even as I see where he, thus I, are going/have been wrong. Anyway, I feared to give up someone who seemed so right when the recent years' history with Guard was so bad. But that's where it is like any other affair...that's the same reason Guard wanted his OW, she offered him something I didn't. And in order to have the marriage I had worked so intently on, I have to love only my husband. I have to meet Guard's needs, he has to be the one who meets mine.<P>It's strange, for those that know my story, you know one of Guard's main traits was always being on or near "the fence". He wanted me, he wanted her. He wanted our marriage, he didn't want to commit to me or live with me. And I experienced the lure of the fence where there are no guarantees on either side so you want to keep all your options...but I believe if I had stayed on the fence much longer, I would have caused irreparable damage to both. I am off the fence. Guard is off the fence. We're making future plans, even as far as Nov.<P>NB--you scare me if you're seeing me as a mentor! I feel like half the time I post I should disclaimer with "don't do what I did". Even Guard, when he was reading MB told me I gave good advice...why didn't I follow it personally? I also know that Guard's turnaround almost came too late, and I had heard all his promises before, why would I believe them yet another time? That's where you would be right now if David did the same. But that's where Guard's change came...being accountable, consistant, his words and actions began to line up...at first not always and I panicked at the least little "wrong look". It took him 3 months of Plan A before I went to no contact with the OM, and another shaky month after that, and now 2 months being home. <P>My main thought leading to this reconciliation was that if Guard was sincere, I would regret not giving him/us this chance as I feel our marriage is the best choice. Sometimes, as with you, NB, it ceases to be much of a choice. Guard was out of town last week and I didn't post any of this because of the outside possibility one or both of us would screw up. We didn't. He came home and we made non-refundable reservations in Mexico .<P>Is our marriage a sure bet? Nope, there's still no guarantees. Are we repeat adulterers for life? God, we both hope not. We've got a great counselor, I have MB--Guard doesn't feel it is the right place for him, it feels like "mine" to him, and that's no one's fault here but mine. But he goes to a men's Bible study, and has men he can go to for "reining in".<P>The other thing I think of when I get the , is, if I met Guard now, would I like him? Would I want to spend time with him? The answer is, I would. Certainly, I wish that this type of reconciliation had taken place last July, instead of his moving out that time, but I try to stay away from the "what ifs & shoulda, woulda, coulda" and look to the future, even though the past does want attention somedays.<P>Yappy today, aren't I? <P>

Yap away my dear!!! This is music to my ears! Wow! <P>I wish you and Guard all the best and you are with me in my heart and thoughts and prayers.<P>Lor, you have been my "poster girl" - both for Plan A success and the problems with staying in Plan A too long . In fact, when I went to plan B, I tried to learn from your experience. It is so so heartening to hear that you and Guard are finally both on the same team again. <P>Words and actions have to line up - no truer words were ever spoken.<P>Thank you for this wonderful lift to my day. <P>Starpony

Lor, <P>It sounds really good!<P>I am still away on my trip (in Argentina), but I found a pc I could connect on.<P>I am happy for both of you.

Lor:<P>This is so fascinating and I am really happy for you. What a wonderful story this is.<P>I really love to read your analysis about this, the mistakes you made and your thinking about what turned Guard around. There is much to learn from your story, both for those that want to continue and for those that want to move on.<P>Guard sat on the fence for a very long time, but he was relatively consistent in stating his desire to keep the marriage. His words were good, but for the longest time he couldn't live up to them. In thinking through this, I really have to believe that he ultimately turned around when he really thought he was about to lose you. Your getting involved with OM and sending him divorce papers made it real that his options were rapidly going away, if they weren't gone already.<P>For others, I'm not suggesting AT ALL that threatening divorce or getting involved with another OP is the prescription for bringing the WS around. In your case, I think it worked based on two things - 1) you were sincere at that point that you were just about done with this (i.e. it was no act), and 2) Guard knew what he really wanted but just couldn't bring himself around to do it. It was a do-or-die moment for him and he chose "do". Then he committed himself and followed-through. Anything less from him would not have been enough for you. It was touch-and-go for a while even so.<P>Yours is a great love story and I've learned alot from it. I am very glad you have shared it as you've gone along. As others have stated, it has helped many of us, myself included. There are no guarantees in ANYONE'S marriage, but having come through this as you have, I'd have to say that your odds for success are much better than many newlyweds. Certainly, you won't be repeating the same sets of mistakes in the future.<P>Have a wonderful vacation. You certainly deserve it.<BR>

Chris--you & I arrived on MB about the same time late 12/98. Our roads have been completely different, but I've watched your constancy and been blessed by it. No matter how male-bashing I feel sometimes, I know that you are out there, praying for your wife and taking care of your daughters.<P>Dana--good to hear from you. I'm not at the D/D forum so often now, but I do check to see how you are doing.<P>Starpony--"poster girl" LOL. I'd love to see what THAT poster looks like .<P>Schizzo--thanks!<P>Distressed--you know, hindsight is great! I would never suggest anyone "threaten" either. I mean, I was the one who did 2 Plan B letters and couldn't keep up the no contact, and I do see, as I was advised by some of you replying on this thread that it was time for Plan B. But I could no longer keep the our marriage as just an option. It was do or do not do. Neither the OM or the divorce were threats, both came close to moving to a done deal. No one should ever bring in a OP to see if the spouse will get jealous, that isn't what I did and I know you aren't implying (I hope) that I did. It isn't fair or kind to use and hurt people. I don't want anyone to use me as an example of that working. It was a marriage ending and my turning to someone else. Again, the disclaimer .<P>Good to hear from you Distressed, are you ok?

Just a quick note <P>Last night some of Guard's family came to town, all but one sister are staying somewhere else, but a group came to the house last night. I went to hug each of them. My FIL who is very quiet, shy, typical late 60ish non-emotional male kissed me hard on the cheek and said, "Love you, Kid." I said "love you too".<P>It was just so sweet. He knows I served divorce papers earlier in the year, so I appreciate that I am still loved in that family. I hope I'll be a good in-law when my kids are married...years and years down the road.

Lor:<P>Thanks for your response. I certainly know there were no threats made by you, you were literally almost done. I think that's what Guard sensed. You've been a great example throughout. I just don't want others to think they can possibly shortcut the process by filing for divorce or linking up with their own OP. Odds are extremely high those approaches will backfire. Unfortunately, I don't really think there are shortcuts to this process. To make it through takes literally years of solid, consistent behavior. I wish I understood that when I started.<P>I am doing really well now. At this stage, I have almost no hope for marital recovery. I think I'm close to the point you were when you sent Guard the papers. I've been keeping busy, making new friends (not men though), and going out alot. I feel good about myself. But my husband disgusts me. He ignored our daughter's 2nd birthday (no "happy birthday", no card, no present) and continues to be as emotionally disconnected as ever. He just looks like a complete coward to me and isn't at all physically attractive either (he's gained about 50 pounds since separation). If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to reconcile, I don't know if I could do it. I don't feel compelled to rush into anything drastic, but I've felt this way for about a month now. There is NO PLAN A left inside me. I stay away from him as much as possible because I just can't do it any more.<P>So, that's my update. I don't spend much time here at the forum any more but I like to check-up on how my old friends are doing once in a while. Your story is the greatest and I'm glad I caught it.