This may make no sense as I am in the middle of a huge anxiety attack.<P>H just called and asked me to go out to dinner with him on Wed. to talk. Says he has a couple of questions for me.<P>I asked him if a)he was going to ask for divorce or b)if he was seeing someone. He said out of all the questions I could have asked that those were strange ones. He said it taakes him a longer time than it takes me to figure things out, but it was time we talked.<P>OMG, i have never been so terrified in my life. Things have been going so well for us. He asked me out to breakfast and shopping on Friday. We had the best timee, and he kissed me when we parted. He stayed the weekend, and it was great, no pressure, no problems, and kissed me again when he left last night.<P>But on the phone he sounded so different. Sad. Resigned. I have no idea what to expect, and it is so cruel of him to make me wonder for two days. What am I going to do if it's bad? How am I going to get through the next two days without asking for more information?<P>I know you guys don't know. You can only hold my (cyber)hand and be there for me. I know it could be a good thing, or the worst thing I could ever hear. I have no idea!<P>How can I get ahold of myself? This may be the end. Is there any hope left if he says he is with her again, or if it's over? Do I start Plan B if that happens? Guess I'd better buy an extra bottle of deodorant, cuz if I'm sweating Wed. as much as I am now, that will be bad . Hey, I live in Arizona...sweat is one thing we do well here.<P>Ok, I feel better after writing this. My heart is almost beating normally. Damn I hate this. What a creep to do this to me. He knows I have got to be a wreck. If he ends it after making me wait for two days to hear it, I'll kill him, right there in the restaurant...I swear. Ok, I won't kill him, but I'll throw my steak at him.<P>I'm done ranting. Thanks for listening. <P>allison

OK, I'll admit I'm a born optimist, but I'm thinking if he wanted to end it, he would have told you when you asked if he was going to ask for a divorce. <P>I'm thinking his wanting to talk is good...maybe he has been thinking and isn't ready to commit to reconciliation, but wants to talk things thru a bit. <P>Hang in there. If I'm wrong, you have my permission to thrwo your steak at him tho (just take out the steakknife first, OK?)<P>Kathi

Hmmmmmmmm.<P>I don't think he'd make you wait 2 days for bad news. Bad news is tough to deliver and waiting 2 days to deliver is almost as bad as waiting 2 days to hear it. I think if it was me, once I made up my mind to say it, I'd want to get it over with in a hurry.<P>He also thought the negative ideas you had about what he might want to say were strange.<P>So, perhaps he wants to discuss the possibility of moving back in with you and he's really nervous about it - not sure how you feel about it, feeling bad about all that's gone on in the past, unsure of how he's ever going to 'fix' things and make it right for you, etc. <P>I could be completely wrong, of course, and wouldn't want to get your hopes up only to have them dashed back down again, but that's what I'm reading into it.<P>In the meantime, just remember to breathe.

Well, don't want to make you feel worse, but if he didn't immediately deny your questions, that may not be a good thing. Unless of course he wants some to make some dramatic statement, but then why would he sound resigned?<P>Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. Try to write a few mental scripts or at least a few "talking points" for whatever he says. You know, even if he says it is over, blah blah blah, that does not mean it is REALLY over. It is only a snapshot in time...a piece of a much larger saga.<P>Has your H made any grand gestures along this line before? Is he usually full of drama?<P>No matter what he says, I wouldn't try to beg, plead or persuade. Act like a totally classy lady...at least until you stand up and whack him with your steak. Just in case, order the biggest one on the menu...one that you may have to use two hands.<P>Sorry, not making light of your situation. Instead of fretting, try to plan. Of course if he is actually going to ask you questions, who knows what he is thinking...<P>These may be the longest days of your life, as you wait.

....and be careful driving to the restaurant! <P> I'd take the optimistic point of view on this one; I envy you at this point, Allison...<P>good luck!<P>theo

Like FHL says....hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Most likely it's somewhere in between.<P>Even if it's the worst, remember, you would not be the first one of us who was told that your spouse was really in love with someone else, wanted to spend their life with that person and wanted to divorce you. I'm raising my hand on this one, as well.<P>As of five months ago, he's NOT with her, we're NOT getting a divorce and we are still growing daily.<P>Which plan to go to is up to you. I'm a Plan A fan myself....Plan B in OUR case and Robert would not be here today.<P>Stay as calm as you can. Rehearse any reactions to any news. Be as prepared as possible and hold on to your dignity.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi Allison,<BR>Think positive! Visualize a positive scenario. Don't be afraid. I have what is probably a flimsy philosophy about situations like this. I believe that the thing you fear most is what happens to you if you dwell on it. So what to do? Think about good things!!! Keep yourself busy for the next two days. Digging in the garden usually does wonders for me, although that might give you a heat stroke if it's as hot in AZ as it is in TX right now. Vacuum the refrigerator coils if you have to! Don't let the anxiety paralyze you. I know it's tough. Focus on what you <B>want</B> to see happen.

FHL asked:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>...why would he sound resigned?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know that moments when I think about deciding to stay in my marriage and really working it through with no further thought of leaving the way I feel is resigned. This is why I keep wavering about it. I don't want to do it if it feels like resigning. I might not have the right attitude, but that's the closest I can come to describing the way I feel at those moments. Resigned.<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by az allison:<BR><B>I asked him if a)he was going to ask for divorce or b)if he was seeing someone. He said out of all the questions I could have asked that those were strange ones. He said it taakes him a longer time than it takes me to figure things out, but it was time we talked.</B><P>Well, unless you married Marquis de Sade, I sincerely doubt anyone would be sneaky enough to dissuade you from believing that those were valid questions and then drop a bomb on you with precisely those issues.<P>Hang in there, and, as others have said, no matter what he says, nothing is engraved in stone, either way. That is the nature of huiman emotions. Your behavior in the ninety days after Wednesday will have a far greater impact on your future together than his few sentences at dinner.<P>Chin up. He said he had some questions, not some decisions. <P>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 17, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 17, 2000).]

I would take it as a positive if he wants to meet you for dinner. If he was delivering bad news I would think he would just call and tell you.<P>Think positive. Always remember you can have what you want as long as you believe it.<P>Be upbeat and dress to kill!<P>MK

You guys are the best. Thank you for taking the time to reply.<P>The Marquis de Sade...lol.<P>I am one confused puppy.<P>Each of your answers helped. Considering this is a huge guessing game at this point you guys had some very helpful answers.<P>Yeah, I will take this time to think hard about what I will say...either way. I will expect the worst and hope for the best. I need to get my head on straight and quit obsessing. Maybe if I actually cleaned the house instead of being on the computer I'd be in better shape.<P>Mike, I love what you said about the following 90 days being more important than a few hours at dinner. That is so true. Even if he ends it, it's up to me to handle this right. Thank you.<P>Truthseeker, why would you feel "resigned" to committing to your marriage? I would feel excited, hopeful, scared, but ... resigned? I am in no way critisizing, but I don't get that? Is it that bad that you would have to resign yourself to working on it? Just wondering.<P>FHL, my H is not a dramatic kinda guy. He's pretty down to earth. He is a much deeper thinker than I ever gave him credit for in our 19 years of marriage. There are some interesting sides to him that I never knew...hope I get the chance to. And FHL, I will be a classy lady no matter what. <P>You guys, thank you. I could kill the SOB right now, cuz he knows me well enough to know that this is making me crazy. Anyone have a valium they could send to Arizona???<BR>jeez.<P>Maybe I should find a palm reader or something.<P> allison

allison,<P>just a thought. if i was going to tell my partner i wanted a divorce, i would not choose a restaurant as the setting.... what do you think? i'll hope for the best for you.

Hey Sadwife,<P>I knew I was gonna like you <P>Here's to hope...<P>allison

Hi Az Allison,<P>Don't know if you remember me, but you gave me some encouraging words awhile back when I was going on my 1st date with hubby. Well, I took your advice and have tried to always stay positive about everything. <P>He and I continue to see each other, and though not perfect, we seem to be moving along slowly. He loved his birthday party and we continue to talk and see each other. <P>If things have been going well so far, keep thinking that way. You know him best, how does he usually deliver bad news? How does he usually share good news or what does he tend to do to surprise you?<P>I'm going to give you the same advice you gave me. "Look good and smell good," smile and be irresistable!!<P>I'll be thinking of you. God bless, sdn

SDN!!!!!<P><BR>Where have you been? <P>Wow! My own advice coming back to haunt me. LOL. Now, that's scary.<P>How does he deliver news...well, he's usually kinda excited if it's good, and somber when it's bad. He was kinda somber on the phone, apprehensive I guess. I'm still scared, but remembered that I told myself I would be ok no matter what and I will.(gulp)<P>SDN, thanks for reminding me. I'll do my best to look good, smell good, smile and be irresistable. That's a long way from where I am right now with my hair up in clips, and my most comfy shorts on.<P>You're a doll to help me.<P>Keep posting, what is the latest? Has he shown any interest in coming home? What kind of things do you guys do together? Just things he likes to do, or things you like too?<P>allison

hey allison<P>The world moves in mysterious ways.<P>As the others have said think positive about yourself maybe not the answer to all your questions.<P>When he does come to see you head him off at the pass and through in a few EN,s before he has a chance to blurt out what he wants to say. This way it will either reinforce that he wants to make a go of the relationship or it may give him second thoughts on wanting to end it.<P>Either way think of the positve outcomes to either question before you have the answers. This may help you keep calm during the conversation. Remember no LB,s and listen to what he has to say. If its positve thank him and dont become too emotional if its your worst fears. Maybe make a list of some question you want to ask any some notations of what you need to say to him. It helped me last night to focus throught the whole time I was there. But hang in there.<P>My suggestion is dont waste a perfectly good steak eat it and then throw the b***** plate at him. That way at least your stomach will be satisfied.<P>All the best. I will waiting for an up date and keep the finger and toes crossed.<P>Keep smilin <P>Tim

Hi Allison....<P>Would there be any crime in calling him back and simply ask him: "Hey...since this meeting is two days away...should I be dreading this or at least be preparing myself for some bombshell?"<P>Nothing wrong with asking, is there?<BR>:-)

Allison<P>I know I am new to all this but for what it is worth. If I am about to give someone bad news I want to get it over and done with. I really don't think I would drag it out for two days. Keep hoping and praying.<P>A

allison,<P>you asked <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Truthseeker, why would you feel "resigned" to committing to your marriage? I would feel excited, hopeful, scared, but ... resigned? I am in no way critisizing, but I don't get that? Is it that bad that you would have to resign yourself to working on it? Just wondering.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not realy sure about the why. I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess it's got something to do with coming out of an EA where the world seemed full of new possibilities and now, well, it's back to the same old, same old. Back to the ho-hum existence that is often known as reality. It's kind of a disappointment. "You mean, this really is all there is?" It's not that it's bad, just incredibly ... empty. And I'm not sure I want it.<P>

truthseeker....<P>Wow....did that ever hit a nerve. Did I read that correctly that you are the one coming out of an EA and are 'resigned' to return to a marriage with little hope or expectation of anyting really improving? Much less ever becoming like what you experienced in the EA? If I did read you right, that really is what I have had to struggle with. You find your self letting out these long ******sigh's******. It's almost like you are facing your punishement by 'doing the right thing'.<P>I guess the hope I am hanging onto is what Harley seems to really push and promise...that a 'ho-hum- marrige can really be brought back to life and made new...if you put his principals into practice. I just don't think I could hang with this without that hope.<P>Granted...the 'ride' in the EA is pretty thrilling and hard to compete with. If there was any good thing that came out of my EA, it was this: I was reminded rather vividly what it was like to 'be in love' again. I had forgotten what it was like to enjoy hours of conversation with someone I enjoyed being with. The excitement and thrill of making someone else happy....listening...sharing...all of it. I simply had forgotten what a wonderful place that could be. <P>Obviously, those feelings should be reserved for the marrige, but then, look at all of us here. <P>I don't return to my spouse trying to 'compare' our marrige with what I recently experienced. I just remember now...that it can be much better than what it is. And I want to work for that. If I didn't think I could have that...I just don't think I could remain here.