Bernzini:<P>One of the reasons I did not have any children w/ H was because I picked up on the verbal abuse really soon. Up until the time we were married, I had never been called a filthy name by any man I had ever dated, nor had any of them gotten violent with me, or made me cry. I never remember feeling oppressed or scared to the point where I felt trapped - and yes, that oppressed feeling in the air, as catnip described. It was always present. It was no way to raise a child. And so I gave that aspect of my life up. I can no longer have children of my own. I am sad about it. More sad than anyone will ever know. But I know that I did the right thing - the selfless thing.<P>So Bernzini, this is why I urge you to really talk to your son. No child is too young for counseling. I would definitely talk to a child psychologist to see how you can deal with these episodes in the future. What your H is doing to your child, surreptitiously, is called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). This is where one parent uses a different parenting technique on the child (giving the child mixed messages) as to alienate the child from the other parent. Please, please, please - don't let your H turn into a "Mini-me" version of your H! <P>Catnip:<P>I have had many of those "Alice in Wonderland" feelings. As though I absolutely could NOT believe what was happening to me, or the words coming out of H's mouth. When H moved out after his arrest, I called over to where he was staying. He had moved in with one of his clients who had also gotten arrested for domestic abuse. Let's call him, er, "Greg." I've probably interacted with Greg all of five times in my life, and we've never sat down and had a conversation. I've always been polite and nice to this guy. So anyway, I phone up Greg's house to let H know that he left his toiletry case and cell phone at the house. Greg answers and starts wailing on me - I mean, here's this person I don't even know screaming at me! H was not there to witness it, however, to this day, H does not believe that good friend Greg would do something like that. It's not as though I'm asking him to stop being friends with him; I simply asked that H believe that I told him the truth. H will not. H will not take care of me. I *have* to be the bad guy, and what's more, it's perfectly okay if someone else bullies me. It's sick and it's insane.<P>Then there were all of those lovely nights when H screamed at me and called me a host of unsavory names until I broke down in tears - and then he accused me of "acting."<P>What a piece of work.<P>The more I think about this, the more I just want out ...<P>belld<P>

Belldandy:<P>One of the things that always puzzled me about my spouse was his inability to handled life's little inconveniences that everyone else could do and did as just a matter of course. It's just life and the little annoyances that cross our paths. <BR>Spouse would get enraged and crazed even if something as innocuous as not having cereal in the cupboard in the morning. He would go on to create this enormous case against me as a bad parent to his children because there was no cereal, when they were all able-bodied enough to get off their lazy butts and go to the store and fetch for themselves. But, where's the fun in that? It's more fun to torment and degrade the one person who is looking after everyone.<P>"Greg" sounds like he had listened to hours of bad-mouthing and got angry at you on your husband's behalf AND took the opportunity to unload his own trash at your expense...in the most self-righteous manner. Some people just like to hurt someone else because it makes them feel good to kick someone they know is down..it's evil, it's power. He's horrible and I hope he reaps his karma.<P>I always resented the fact my husband rarely sided with me on any parental issue. Why he could align himself with me for the kids' mutual benefit eludes me today. Both his kids and my son have been gone from the house ten years now and we have addressed this behavior. Not to my satisfaction because spouse would rather ignore his past behavior and "move on", the battle cry of betrayers and sabatouers (sp) everywhere. (sigh)<P>I am intrigued with PAS that you described in your post. I recognize it as something that most likely went on in our house.<P>Stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=

Bell:<P>You were wise not to have children; No, it sounds mean to say, but bringing a little one into a hell-house is a big mistake until problems are resolved.<P>I have a child by previous marriage. Then, I got pregnant by accident a full three months after old boy and I got married. Boy, was he mad!! (my fault again.)<P>Fortunately, my husband is a good father. It seems to be the one facet of his life that is untouched by his temper and moodiness (I thank God for this.) It could be that Sr and Jr are the exact same person. They might as well clones: look alike, act alike, think alike. Except that the little one has an excuse to act like a child: he is one. And if I can intervene and do anything about it, he will grow up to be a man who respects women and has some self-control.

I thought of another new book I have become familiar with. Jeffrey Young is considered the best cognitive psychologist in New York. He trained with Aaron Beck the guru of cognitive psychology. He has co-authored a book with a Janet Klosko called "Reinventing your Life: The Breakthrough program to end negative behavior and feel great again"<BR> Quote: "Personality disorders are self-destructive lifelong patterns that bring patients tremendous unhappiness. People with personality disorders have life-long problems with living, in addition to specific symptoms like depression and anxiety. They are often unhappy in their intimate relationships or chronically underachieve in their careers. Their overall quality of life is usually lower than they desire.<BR>Cognitive therapy has been expanding to meet the challenge of treating these difficult, chronic patterns. In treating personality problems, we address not only sets of symptoms-depression, anxiety, panic attacks, addictions, eating disorders, sexual problems, or controlling beliefs (the authors refer to schemas as lifetraps. Most patients come to therapy with certain core schemas that are reflected in many symptom areas. Addressing these core schemas in treatment can have beneficial effects that reverberate throughout many areas of the patient's life." This is part of the forward written by Aarom Beck for this book. This book discusses how to change these major life patterns (schemas, or lifetraps). <BR>My husband is getting therapy in this guys practice (Jeffrey Young) and says this book is great. I have been advocating that he go for cognitive therapy for some time now and after one other therapist we found this place. Anyhow, you can find the book in Barnes and Nobles and I'm sure it is available at Amazon books as well. Saw the book setting next to the bed and remembered it. Hope this will help also.