itsme,<P>Your right about getting your head on staight. Now you can take in consideration how you felt when you found out about your W affair.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

itsme,<P>My Om waas a frined as well. My H use to make the very same comments about him. He told me himself that was his way of getting me to react. I tried to act like I hated him. H knew otherwise.<BR>I ber your W wont want everyone to kmow. It can be your secret. So as far as everyone else. They have no reason to know about it.<BR>Prayers<BR>Rennee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

I'm totally shocked that I've helped someone out! I've had my share of bad days so here's my two cents ...<P>I had a PA 2 yrs ago while my H was away overseas (military). I was really crying out to him but I couldn't ever really explain what was wrong. I actually tried to cover my tracks and not tell him about it for almost a year. Let me tell you - he knew something was wrong. What got to me was one night when he came home and cried in my lap because something was terribly wrong in our marriage and I wasn't able to be the wife that he needed. He knew that something was eating me alive but didn't know what. Then he heard a few rumors and I finally decided to come clean.<P>It was very hard for me because I didn't want to face myself. I just forgave myself for what I did back in May. During my time in a shell, my H embarked on his own PA. I snooped and found out about it. It had been going on for about 6 months. Part of this was caused by me and what he heard from other people.<P>I read a few of your other posts and actually thought that you were my H! Except for the part about the OW being a friend of your W's, you could be my H.<P>Has your W ever told you about her EA? What other rumors have you heard? My H heard that I got pregnant & had an abortion! I am the Queen of Birth Control, so I have no idea why he believes it. I still don't think he really believes me on that one.<P>I think that you and your W really need to talk about each of your affairs. Keeping it hidden may only hurt you more and create more problems in your marriage.

Itsme -<P>I was talking to my H last night about your situation - hope you don't mind, we're all cyber-friends anyway, right? <P>Anyway, getting to your question about the OW being a friend of your Wife - and how that would affect her and your "group" of friends. I asked my H how he would feel if he knew the OM was a friend - he said, yes that would hurt more than not knowing the guy, because it would be like he was betrayed twice - once by me and once by his friend. My H doesn't know the OM in my situation, and he doesn't ask a lot of questions about him - only the way I felt about him. He has, I guess the luxury - if you can call it that - of seeing the OM as a "Blob." There's no face to put with the actions.<P>He also said, that if he knew it were a friend of ours, it would be hard to get past the deception on both parties, but that he knew that he would be able to forgive me. He didn't think he would want to be around that OM/Friend, but he would always want to be with me - to work things out with me is and would be his goal, regardless of who the OM was.<P>So, yes, I think the fact that the OW is a "friend" (how good of a friend, I wonder) of your W will make it difficult for you to rebuild your marriage - but not impossible.<P>Also, when I told my H about the affair, I told him what happened and that I wanted to work things out - I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life - not the OM. Then, I let that sink in, and volunteered to answer any questions that he had. He never really asked who was it - he just wanted to know if he knew him or not. I said that he wasn't a friend, wasn't a co-worker, wasn't someone who knew us as a couple. So, he didn't even ask me for a name - he prefered to keep it that way. He did want to make sure that it wasn't someone who was "a friend" of ours. So, I think you have to be honest with your W - if she should ask who the OW is.<P>I guess the important thing is that you can never tell how a S will react - especially if the OW is a friend - but for my H at least - it may not change the outcome - that we are togehter working on our marriage.<P>Also, if you do decide to tell your W, you must be willing to cut all contact with the OW (as you already know), and it may mean either keeping the matter between the three of you - so as not to make your friends uncomfortable. Or it could mean a move, or getting away from the friends altogether. My H's point is that you shouldn't be worried about how the friends feel - your only concern should be on your W and how she wants to handle things.<P>I know you are getting ready to go on vacation, and I know you want it to be a good time for your whole family. If you don't want to tell her until you get back from vacation, I think that's okay, but I think you should use that time with her to let her know that you love her. When you come back from vacation, should you decide to tell her(and I hope you choose to do so), try to reaffirm in her those things that you love about her, those things that you can't live without. Recognize that you made a huge mistake, and ask for forgiveness. That's all you can do . . . Don't give up on the marriage, not yet, and don't underestimate your W.<P>Anyway, just wanted to post this because I know some issues are still hanging around for you . . .I hope you have a good vacation!<P><p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited August 03, 2000).]